FATE: Holy Grail War of 2814
by Shadow Crystal Mage
Summary: Power gathers. The Grail forms. The Masters appear and their Servants rise to meet them. Shiro, Rin, Luvia and Illya are called to fight. Simple enough. But... "Sailor Moon warned us about days like this," Magical Girl Prisma Illya said. A 2814-fic.
1. Are You My Master?

A/N: Part of the Linker Cores War from _**Takamachi Nanoha of 2814**_. I decided I have enough material for this to be a separate entry on it's own.

...

FATE/Holy Grail War of 2814

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 1: Are You My Master?/A Lost Batarang/ HANDS OFF SHIRO-KUN!/"Sailor Moon warned us about days like this,"/ Oh, Crap/ Kuro Needs Prana Badly

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story. If I did… well, this would all be canon. WARNING: MAY CAUSE HEAD EXPLOSION!

...

Night fell. It's a simple pair of words, but it holds a lot of activity.

Tohsaka Rin, magus, looked down at her research. To think she'd be part of the Fifth Holy Grail war! Ha! She'd show that bitch Luvia. A Saber, yes, she'd finally get a Saber, and as soon as she did, the first order of business would be to get it to kick the gaijin bitch's ass!

She felt an evil laugh bubbling up and didn't even try to suppress it as she threw back her head and made like Mark Hamill in a Paul Dini production. The shade of the lamp next to her shifted ominously…

Luviagelita Edelfelt, magus, looked down at her research. To think she'd be part of the Fifth Holy Grail war! Ha! She'd show that bitch Rin. A Servant, yes, she'd finally get a Servant, a _real_ Servant and not just a maid, and as soon as she did, the first order of business would be to get it to kick the Japanese bitch's ass!

She felt an evil laugh bubbling up and didn't even try to suppress it as she threw back her head and made like Neil Patrick Harris in a Joss Whedon production. The shade of the lamp next to her shifted ominously…

Miyu, in her room, looked up in concern as the sound of her employer's laughter echoed through the mansion, sighed, and went back to cuddling her Illya Dakimakura…

Batman posed dramatically on top of the tallest building in Fuyuki city. He was tired, sore from sitting all day, and pissed off at traffic in general. Bruxe Wayne had pleaded being too tired to get anything done at the office, and tonight, the criminals of Fuyuki would be paying for that. And because he was Batman, this posing was not only suitably dramatic, being outlined in the sky and everything , but also served to give him the quickest overview of the city.

Drawing out his grappling hook, he leapt, and the last of his 'civilian' thought– whether he'd be able to turn the Batmobile into a transforming robot battlesuit– was subsumed. Tonight, justice would be done!

In the residential areas, Matou Shinji used his little magic book to Bind Rider to his will while his sister locked herself in her room, knowing it was futile, as her own Command Seals darkened and seemed to fade away. Matou Zouken plotted to take advantage of the latest Holy Grail War…

Yes, these assholes will get what's coming to them.

...

'Kuro Illya' von Einzbern-Emiya pushed open the door to the house she shared with her 'sister' Illya, the luscious Shiro, the maids Sella and Leysritt, and on occasion their 'parents'. It was strangely quieter than usual and she frowned around as she exchanged her footgear. "Hello? Hey, meidos!"

Heading for the kitchen, she spotted a note on the table. Dropping her bag, she read it. "Dear Illyas. Went to fix up our castle in the woods. Might need to move in there in case of emergency. Probably won't be back until tomorrow or later. Have dinner, keep the house clean, and don't kill any burglars or attempted rapists, hiding the evidence of them dying by magic is difficult. Love, Mom."

Kuro blinked. "We own a castle in the woods?"

Shrugging, she put the note back for Shiro and Illya to read when they came back. It was really unlike Shiro to not be home at this time. Heh, he'd probably been shanghaied into doing something for the archery club. Kuro sniffed. Those wannabes called themselves archers? Hah! Could they shoot a fly's wings off at two kilometers? she wondered where her 'sister' had gone off to. She was feeling a little light-headed, and could do with a little mana…

Grinning, she went to see what Miyu was doing. She felt her Maid Switch snap up as she traipsed off across the street…

Shiro, to his regret, found himself in the crossfire between an Archer Class Servant and a Lancer Class Servant, and two teenaged mages who if anything were fighting even harder to beat the crap out of each other. This could not go well…

...

Emiya Shiro had been having a bad night. So far, he'd stayed late at school, been stabbed, somehow recovered but in extreme pain, ran all the way home being chased by a maniac with a spear, and was now bleeding to death in the storeroom in the back yard where his father had sometimes secretly taught him magic ("Don't tell you mother, you sister or the maids, okay? Superheroes don't flaunt who they are."). And now…

"Are you… my Master?"

Now, things were just getting fucked up…

...

Illya and Miyu walked home tiredly. Their classmates had insisted on seeing a movie that had just come out, and they were only just heading home. Miyu in particular was stressed from their classmates pestering her to 'unlock the Miyu path'!

Thus, they didn't notice the dark shadow lurking beneath a dead lamppost until it barred their path. "Hello, little girliesh.." it slurred, sounding drunk and generally dislikable.

Before the girls could react though, there was an 'erk', and the drunk suddenly collapsed, something metallic clattering to the ground next to him.

"EH?" Illya said in shock, looking around. "W-who did that?-!"

Miyu blinked at her. "Illya-chan?"

"This was the perfect opportunity for some new character to introduce themselves dramatically by rescuing us!" Illya cried. "Where are they?"

Miyu sweatdropped, before looking down and frowning. She picked up a forearm-length piece of black metal, curved and symmetrical, its overall appearance hard to make out in the darkness. She flexed it experimentally, and some catch in it released, and a hinge in the middle bent. Miyu experimentally folded it, unfolded it, and folded it again.

"What did you find there, Miyu-chan?" Illya said as she realized no one was about to dramatically introduce themselves.

Miyu handed it to her. "I can't tell what it is, it's too dark," she said.

Illya frowned down at it, turning it around in her hands. "Let's wait until we get home," she said, walking on the unconscious would-be attacker, tucking the metal thing in her bag. "There might be more of this guy around."

Miyu followed her down the road, the two hurrying now, more alert and looking around.

On top of a building, Batman grunted and chalked one batarang as a loss…

...

The first thing they noticed as the hole in the wall. Really. With Rin and Luvia around, loud screaming, bright flashes of light, blasts of magic and general sounds of violence were not all that unusual, hence why the neighbors hadn't come out to see what was happening beyond a cry for them to "GO TO SLEEP, YOU CRAZY TEENAGERS!".

Illya frowned. "There's a hole in my wall," she said. "Why is there a hole in my wall?"

The two looked at each other and pulled out their Kaleidosticks, transforming into magical girls.

They leapt the wall, posed, and froze. This was not so that people would be able to appreciate their pose.

"I don't _care_ if he saw anything!" Luvia was berating a man dressed in blue holding a spear. "You don't hurt Shiro-kun, got that?-!"

"But he's a MASTER!" the man said, pointing at Shiro with his spear.

Luvia thwapped him upside the head. "I DON'T CARE! SHIRO-KUN'S OFF LIMITS!"

Shiro, at this point, was trying to hold back an armored blonde woman in a blue dress, one arm wrapped around her waist, the other gripping her arm at he wrist and trying to keep her from moving or, alternately, using her sword. "No Saber, no fighting, no fighting!"

"Master, I must fight! I am you weapon in the Holy Grail war, and that is how it is done. Now release me!"

"No!"

"LUVIA!" Rin cried, bounding over the opposite wall. "DON'T YOU DARE HURT SHIRO, YOU BITCH! ARCHER, TAKE HER!"

"So troublesome," Archer grumbled, but drew a set of paired short blades.

"Damn you, Rin! Lancer, kill the bitch!"

"Finally, an order that makes sense!" Lancer grumbled, and charged.

"No, no fighting!" Shiro cried, still trying to hold on to Saber. "I don't know what's going on, but Rin,-san, Luvia-san, no fighting!"

"NO!" the two girls chorused. "DIE, BITCH!"

"_**WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?**_" Illya cried.

"Shut up, people are trying to sleep!" someone cried, and a thrown shoe hit Illya in the face.

"Agh!" she cried, falling off the fence.

"Illya!" Miyu cried, leaping down to help her. "Don't worry, Illya-chan, I know mouth to mouth!"

"Eh? What does mouth to mouth have to do with this?"

"You're supposed to use it on people who are falling."

"Drowning, Miyu, that's for _drowning_."

"Are you sure? Maybe we should just try…"

"NO!"

"Another Master?" Saber observed. "This is the perfect opportunity gain a strategic advantage in this war. EX-"

"No, Saber, NO FIGHTING, NO FIGHTING!"

"Master, unhand my sword!"

"No!"

Somewhere, Amakawa Yuuto sneezed, and it wasn't because of the catgirl spirit snuggling him opposite the corpse-looking wet Mizuchi loli.

Illya struggled back up to the top of the wall, and Miyu boosted her up. "Thanks for the help, Miyu," she said.

"You're welcome Illya."

"You can take your hand off my ass now."

"All right."

A beat.

"Miyu?"

"Yes?"

"Your hand, my ass?"

"Oh, sorry."

"That's all right."

Another beat.

"Really Miyu, you can take it off now, I'm not going to fall off the fence."

"Oh, okay…"

"Thank you. Ruby, harisen mode! Transfer all power to maximize speed!"

"On it, Illya! Ready to go!"

"_**ACCELERATION MODULE!**_"

THWACK!

THWACK!

THWACK!

THWACK!

THWACK!

"No fighting, no fighti– ACK!" THWACK!

The combatants all reeled back from the harisen blows to the head, stunned and confused and in Shiro's case sporting a pair of swirly eyes.

Illya landed lightly on top of Shiro's shed in the backyard where she knew he kept all sorts of appliances he tried to fix. Her nose was bleeding slightly from the shoe, but she didn't notice. "All right, what's going on here? Why are all you people fighting in my house?-!-?"

"Illya, good timing!" Rin called, holding her head. She pointed. "Attack Luvia, and I promise I'll make it worth your while!"

"Agh! Traitorous Rin! Miyu, in know you're there! Attack Tohsaka, now!"

"Can't I stay out of this?" Miyu muttered, clenching Sapphire and shuffling nervously.

"No fighting, no fighting…" Shiro said dazedly.

"Oh, shut up!" Archer, Lancer and Saber all cried.

Illya growled and took a step forward to prove she meant business.

As much as Shiro worked on his magic and appliances, his shed was a different matter altogether.

Illya lost her footing as a shingle came loose under her feet, and gave a cry as her legs slipped forward out from under her, causing her to slide off the roof. She feel ass-first on the thankfully spring grass, but ended up rolling backwards into the shed. They all heard a cry as she fell down the step and rolled into the building, followed by a crash as she hit the appliances Shiro had left all over the floor. The mere mortals winced.

Illya haggard voice drifted out of the shed. "Sailor Moon warned us about days like this."

Shiro frowned. "How does Illya know Sailor Moon?"

Rin, Luvia and Miiyu all looked away nervously and whistled.

Then the light of a summoning circle appeared.

Illya surprised yelp came from the shed, followed almost immediately by a low, deep, gravelly growl that somehow hit all the same notes in everyone's brains that the words "This army!" or "I'm pregnant and yes, it's yours" usually did. Purest, unadulterated terror suddenly coursed through everyone's veins, and tendrils of darkness seemed to reach out from the open shed door, making the night seem blacker.

The ground _shook_ as the darkness of the shed seemed to deepen, and two blazing white eyes appeared in the center, all the brighter for the contrast. A hulking figure stepped out of the shed, it's every step felt through feet and bones and the little hind part of the brain humans inherited from their distant not-quite-mammal ancestors that warned them a Tyrannosaurus Rex was about to eat them. It straightened as it crossed the threshold, revealing a gigantic being easily ten feet tall, and then some. It was armored from head to toe, a dark, twisted armor that made the eyes hurt to look directly at it, smooth curves jarringly contrasting with sharp angles and spikes, seemingly all of one piece.

It wore a helm just as black, the front a smooth plate, unadorned except for a pair of glowing white eyeholes. The sides, however, were as eye-searing twisted as the rest of the armor. Two long, straight horns rose straight up from the side of the helms, smooth as ivory. A black haze seemed to cover him, causing his very outline to shift widely even as they watched. Illya lay nestled on the crook of one arm, her eyes wide, but not fearful. His other hand lay still, a length of chain wrapped around his forearm, the end trailing almost to the ground. The tip, a strangely squarish pronged thing, had struck the ground at his every step.

A black cape hung from its shoulders. Well, hung perhaps was not the right word. It hung there like a dragon or a bomb 'hung' in the sky, at any moment ready cause violence. It was as if someone had cut a piece of the night, burned out the stars and given it life, its substance so dark it outlined the figure as clear as day. Weapons hung at it's belt, chains and blades and other things of clearly a dangerous property.

Then the figure spoke. It was the voice children first hear din their mind when they imagined death. It wasn't like the true voice of death, which was nice and actually a good singing voice, and that made it much worse.

"_**Stop…**_" it said in a gravelly rasp, the word entering more through the fight-or-flight reflex than the ears. "_**Cease combat… Or answer to me…**_"

"Servant?" Saber asked quietly, more to reaffirm to herself she was still alive and not already a corpse.

"Servant," Archer confirmed.

"Oh, Crap," Lancer said.

"No fighting?" Shiro ventured hopefully.

"Archer, defend me!" Rin cried.

"Lancer, Miyu!" Luvia called.

The two Servants leapt to position themselves in front of their Masters, while Miyu came more hesitantly. Saber was able to pull of Shiro's suddenly hesitant hand from her wrist, shrugging him off her waist and holding her sword in both hands before her.

The white slits of light seemed to narrow somehow. "_**You know what I am. You know what I can do. But I am holding a small child here. And if you make me do anything that could possibly endanger this child... You will be very, very sorry… Forever… So speaks Berserker…**_"

The Servants hesitated.

Illya frowned, raised Magical Ruby, and slapped the harisen on the end of it on the side of Berserker's face.

Everyone's jaws dropped.

"You heard my big brother!" Illya said. "No fighting! Anyone got a problem with that?"

"What the hell is going on here?"

Everyone turned towards the front gate, where Kuro was surveying the scene with a very annoyed look. "Look, right now, I need Prana badly, I want to go to sleep and I'm not in the mood for nonsense," the dark-skinned girl said. "So what's– HEY!"

She pointed at Archer, who raised an eyebrow.

"What are you doing stealing my look?-!" she demanded. "That's _my_ look! How dare you make it less revealing and liable to get me arrested for indecent exposure! And you're using Kanshou and Bakuya! _I'm_ the one who uses Kanshou and Bakuya around here buddy! I want a good explanation for this right now! But first…!"

Miyu 'eeped" in surprise as Kuro suddenly grabbed her, their lips slamming together.

KISS! WITH LOTS OF TONGUE! PRACTICALLY MOUTH RAPE!

A faint Miyu hung from Kuro's arms as the other girl sighed in contentment. "Ah, I've needed that. Now, my explanation please?"

"Kuro! Get your hands off Miyu!" Illya exclaimed.

Another shoe hit her in the face. "I said KEEP IT DOWN! PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP OVER HERE!"

...

Somewhere else in Fuyuki City, Batman suddenly had a very bad feeling…

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: Shiro is fun. He can fight like a badass, and yet is still such a weenie making fun of him is so EASY! How Archer ever came from him, I'll never know.

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	2. CREEPY PERVERT PRIEST FROM AN H–GAME!

A/N: I _really_ wanna show how much of a badass Shiro is, but he's so _easy_ to pick on…!

...

FATE/Holy Grail War of 2814

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 2: Wanna Hear How the Naruto Manga Ends?/ Dumbass/ The Priest is a Creepy Pervert!/ Atrocious Disguises/ Adopted and Half Peurto-Rican/ Cursed With Such A Master/ CREEPY PERVERT PRIEST FROM AN H-GAME!/ Unspeakably Indecent Adult Things? I _**Wish**_!/"_One is a moron, the other's insane!"_/ Oh, and Wolkenritter Will Attack Mahora

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story. If I did… well, this would all be canon. WARNING: MAY CAUSE HEAD EXPLOSION!

...

It was a very tense moment around the Einzbern-Emiya table.

Rin and Luvia glared at each other from opposite sides, both sitting in Ikari Gendo entwined fingers poses that were completely ruined by the fact their teeth kept grinding. Their respective Servants stood behind them, wary and paranoid. Between them on one end of the table Shiro also sat, eyes darting nervously between the two girl and both heavily armed men. Saber stood behind him, ahoge held high, invisible sword before her, point down but ready. At Illya's insistence, the invisible tip was resting on a brick bought in from the garden to protect the wooden floor.

On the end opposite Shiro stood the lolis and Berserker. Kuro had changed into her red and black outfit, to Shiro's and Saber's intense discomfort. Lancer seemed mildly amused by it, while Archer glared at the girl. To be fair, this was because Kuro had been glaring right back at him, and he'd finally gotten tired of just standing there and taking it. The girl seemed to find his less Stripperific outfit a personal insult. Illya stood in the center, flanked by the other two, the tall, imposing figure of Berserker rising behind her. Miyu's face was blank, but anyone who knew the girl could tell she was nervous.

"Right," Illya said, one eyebrow twitching. "Let's try again. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?-!-?-!"

"The Holy Grail war," Saber said, voice bland and professional.

"So you've said," Illya said. "And that means what, exactly? Should we be expecting Nazis and sexy archeologists?"

Somewhere, Yuuno, Tsubasa Lee, Carter Hall, Adam Strange and Yuuno's aunt Lara all sneezed.

Saber blinked. "What?"

"Movie reference," Archer said. "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade."

Rin, Luvia, Shiro and the lolis turned to stare at the Servant. "What?" he said.

"You've lost your memories, but _that_ you remember?" Rin said.

"Yes, for some reason. I also know how the Naruto manga ends. Wanna hear?"

"Who _ARE_ you?" Rin asked.

"Amnesia from your botched summoning, remember?" Archer said.

Luvia laughed. "How pathetic, Rin. You managed to give your Servant brain damage?"

Rin's eyebrow twitched, and her fingers formed a gun shape.

Luvia raised her hand in a 'mage gathering power to ruin your day' gesture.

Their Servants tensed. Shiro looked between all of them more frantically as Saber tightened her grip on her sword. Kuro got ready to Trace as Illy and Miyu tightened their grips on their Kaleidosticks.

Berserker cracked his knuckles. The sound seemed to echo in their bones, made their guts wiggle uncomfortably.

"We're playing nice, remember?" Illya reminded them all. "Isn't _anyone_ going to be Miss Exposition and explain everything to us properly? Because I for one want to know _who that girl is who's sticking so close to my oni-chan!_" She pointed dramatically at Saber

"YEAH!" Kuro agreed.

Rin and Luvia also turned their attention to the girl, though it looked like no explanation would make them less pissed.

Saber raised her chin stiffly, proud and imperious. "I am the Servant Saber. I am my Master's weapon in the Holy Grail War. That is all that needs to be known."

Kuro considered this answer. "She sounds like she really needs to get laid."

Lancer snickered. Saber glared at him.

Illya glared at Rin. "All right, Rin, stop holding out on us. What do you know?"

"What makes you think I know anything?" Rin said, though her tone was self-satisfied.

"You're always giving out exposition," Illya said. "So spill, Exposition Girl."

Somewhere, Great Detective Akane-sama sneezed.

Rin tapped a finger on her cheek mysteriously. "Well… I suppose you can talk to the priest."

"Priest?" Shiro said.

"I'm feeling lazy," Rin said. "Besides, he might as well make himself useful…"

Luvia sniffed. "The man is a creepy pervert!"

"No argument there. Well, let's get going!" Rin said.

"Eh? Now?" Shiro said. "At this time of night? Won't this priest be in bed?"

"I wish," Rin said. "That'll give me an excuse to drag him out."

"Aren't we sort of noticeable?" Miyu asked. "I mean…" She made an expansive gesture.

"Not to worry!" Luvia declared. "I have just the thing…!"

...

"This," Saber declared, "Is absurd."

"Agreed," Lancer and Archer chorused, though the two glared at the latter slightly. For the moment, the need to kill each other seemed to have been subsumed in their deep connection over the agreement of how stupid this was.

Due to the innate hostility between Rin and Luvia, neither had been agreeable to letting their Servants shift to spirit form. Saber had staunchly refused to in the face of this, and while Berserker hadn't said a thing since he'd made his ultimatum, the fact he was still obviously there spoke volumes on his position on the matter.

Disguising them wasn't an option. They didn't have anything to cover up Archer and Lancer, never mind Berserker, and the only thing that would have fit Saber and her armor was a bright yellow raincoat and rain hat, which she pointed out made her look even more ridiculous and noticeable.

Luvia's 'just the thing' wasn't helping.

"Who would be fooled by these atrocious disguises?" Saber continued, fighting the urge to scratch off the hand-sized paper mask Luvia had taped on her face around her eyes. Shiro and Lancer wore similar 'disguises', cut from a handy cereal box whose contents would need to be eaten soon. Archer, damn him, had somehow acquired a black domino mask that hadn't need to be taped on, and actually made him look quite distinguished. Kuro had managed to do the same. Rin and Luvia were both wearing allegedly magical glasses they'd bought from an ermine. Illya and Miyu, in a burst of creative, just flipped their hair in front of their faces. It made them look like cousin It, but at least they weren't taped to anything.

"You'd be surprised," Illya said from where she rode piggy back on Berserker's shoulders. The large Servant had been surprisingly agreeable to that. Kuro and Miyu were siting on his shoulders next to Illya, seemingly enjoying the ride. "Green Lantern wears as much and no one can tell who _she_ is."

Shiro frowned. "Illya, why do you say that about Green Lantern-chan? Have you met her? Exactly what's going on with you?"

Kuro reached over and flicked Illya upside the head. "Dumb ass!" she said, considering the mirror pain to her own head to be completely worth it.

Rin blinked in confusion. "Wait, Illya, are you saying Shiro doesn't know about your magic?"

"What? Magic?" Shiro exclaimed. "Illya has magic? Since when?"

"Well, he does now," Illya growled at Rin.

"Wait, if he doesn't know about your magic, how did you ever manage to explain Kuro to him?" Luvia asked, also confused.

"Mom told him she was adopted and half Puerto-Rican," Illya said. "I was kind of surprised it worked, but not much."

"And he didn't wonder about the fact she looked like a palette-swapped version of you?" Rin said incredulously.

"It's _Shiro_," Illya explained patiently.

"HEY!" Shiro protested.

"Well, can't argue with that…" Rina said, while Luvia nodded.

"Truly, my sins are unforgivable, to be cursed with such a Master," Saber said.

"HEY!"

"Suddenly, I'm feeling embarrassed about having to kill you," Lancer said.

"It does seem to be beneath us," Archer agreed.

"_HEY!_"

In the shadows, Berserker's blank mask seemed to smile.

...

Fuyuki city wasn't known for having costumed anythings, with the sole exception of the rarely-seen and mysterious magical girls who Batman knew from Superman to be Kaleidos Ruby, Sapphire, and 'Kuro'. Therefore, Batman thought it was quite noteworthy when he saw several people, two matching the descriptions of the said magical girls, another girl in a mask that completely hid her identity, two older girls whose faces for some reason seemed to be extremely plain and non-descript, a man dressed similarly to the masked girl, except he probably would be arrested for indecent exposure, and three others, two in strange armor and one in a school uniform who were wearing masks that looked like they'd been cut from a cereal box. A giant of a man that looked like a Todd Mcfarlane creation walked with them, carrying the three smaller girls on his shoulders.

"Oh-kay…" Batman said to himself. "That's something you don't want to see too often…"

He, of course, followed them at a safe distance. This eventually led them to a church on top of a hill. The girl in what could only accurately be called a 'battle dress', the two masked men and the dark-clad giant all waited outside while the two older girls, boy in the uniform, and the girl who was most probably Kaleido Ruby– she had a red stick after all– walked in.

He circled around cautiously, moving to the back of the church. He found a back door, unlocked it, and slipped it. The insides seemed plain enough, with no creepy props or old blood stains to cause alarm, but then again, the sort of weird business that made people like these come to churches after midnight might be the sort of thing he, as a conscientious citizen of the world, might have to deal with.

Managing to make his way to the area behind the where the mysterious people were meeting, he took out a hi-tech long distance listening device and listened.

There was exposition. There was a scream of, "AH! A CREEPY PERVERT PRIEST RIGHT OUT OF AN H-GAME!" followed by "Illya, how would you know about that!-?" There was more exposition. There was the priest acting _really_ creepy. There was one of the most stupid moral dilemma discussions Batman had ever heard, and it didn't help that there were some good points. That actually made it worse.

As the immediate part of his mind made note of all this, a more philosophical part of Batman wondered why he always ended up running into weird situations like this when he was out of the country. There was no chance Clark's ridiculous 'vacation' theory had any weight, but… no, it was ridiculous, and that was it.

They were wrapping up. Neither the boy nor the young girl– she'd apparently transformed before entering the church– had refused to back out of this ridiculous 'war', making Batman wondering what exactly was going on with parenting these days. Really, what kind of parenting would make a little girl _not_ want to turn around and run away from a situation like this as fast as possible, yelling for the police the whole way?

Somewhere, Green Lantern Takamachi Nanoha sneezed.

The boy was partially excusable, through barely. He obviously had serious issues, and didn't seem all that bright. Given what Batman had just heard about this 'Holy Grail War', that terrified him. It could be so easy for the boy to make so many stupid decisions that would make this already-shaping-up-to-be-bad situation even worse.

In the church, he heard the boy sneeze.

"Eh? Onii-chan, use a handkerchief for that! That's unhealthy!"

"Ah, sorry, Illya-chan! I must be coming down with a cold."

Figuring they were moving on to the inanities, Batman moved back to the rear entrance. Though this was likely an excellent time to challenge this 'priest'– and he didn't need to be religious to know there was something extremely fishy about this 'Kirei'. Come to think of it, when was the last time he went to church for something that wasn't a funeral, a case, or to intimidate some priest for info?– some instinct warned him it wasn't a good idea. The man had admitted he had been a Master during the last, supposedly disastrous war. It wasn't unreasonable to think he would have magical attack capabilities. He'd need to make some preparation. Besides, it would be easier to do some more independent research.

He stepped out the back and door froze, staring _up_ at the dark-clad giant waiting there. Up close, the details of his armor– and it _was_ armor– were quite disturbing, making his eyes hurt slightly. The behemoth stood there, armor now fading into, now outlined by the suddenly brighter-seeming darkness. It stared down at him, blank white eyes intent. Batman tensed.

It tilted its head, then suddenly raised one arm, the chain wrapped around it silent as it made a sweeping away gestured, an obvious dismissal. One finger rose up to the front of its horned helm, and one white eye seemed to flicker. Then it disappeared into the darkness, fading into it completely as if it had never been.

This, Batman considered, once he was properly done being paranoid and looking for footprints and getting himself to a safe distance and was just following them back to their homes, was probably some sort of bad sign of complications to come.

After they headed back home– by an _extremely_ bizarre coincidence, all but one of the girls, the one in red, lived opposite each other, and _she_ was just a few houses over– he slapped a couple of monitoring devices where he figured they wouldn't be seen, even accounting for the tendency of Japanese superheroes to stand on top of any tall, thin object they could get their feet on, like lampposts and telephone poles. Then he went back to putting the fear of HIM into the superstitious and cowardly criminal lot of the city…

...

Morning came. Bruce Wayne, having only gotten into bed a couple of hours before, found himself dreaming, also contrary to popular belief, about solving a complex time-travel mystery with Sherlock Holmes and the Grey Ghost, who for some reason sounded like his father.

Shiro had had a restless night alternately sleeping fitfully and staring at the blonde girl who had insisted on making camp right under his window, claiming she needed to protect him. This was complicated by the fact that his little sister and adopted sister had both insisted on 'chaperoning' and had crawled into his bed with him, leaving it rather crowded, since they'd both latched on to one of his arms and hadn't let go. It made it very hard to get a proper night's sleep. Thankfully, Berserker hadn't crawled into the room with them, disappearing instead into its spirit form. It was an awfully convenient ability to have. Pity Saber couldn't do it…

The door downstairs slammed open. "Shiro! Illya! Kuro! We're home!" Irisviel von Einzbern-Emiya cried into the otherwise silent house.

All three on the bed jerked upright, resulting in a three-head pileup that left bumps all around as Saber managed to make the transition from 'dead to the world' to 'ready to kick as and take names' in approximately the time it took them to do to hear the door slam.

"S-saber, no!" Shiro managed to say. "It's just our parents! Calm down."

Saber frowned at him, looking a bit troubled, but before she could say anything, there was an enthusiastic pounding up the stairs, and they heard a door slam open on their floor. "Illya-chan! Kuro-chan! Rise and shine my dears, mommy's ba– huh? Where did they go? SHIRO! DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR SISTERS ARE?"

Saber's head slowly turned to track the source of the voice. Her eyes were wide, as if in recognition.

There were a series of loud steps, and suddenly the door of Shiro's room flew open, banging against the wall, rebounding, hitting the open palm of the purple-clad woman who'd opened it and slamming back on the wall again. "Shiro-kun! Wakey-wakey! Do you know where your sisters are? Oh, there they are. Shiro, Illya, Kuro, the three of you haven't been going beyond the bounds of your brother-sisters relationship and doing unspeakably indecent adult things to each other, have you?"

"M-mother!" Illya cried in protest, arms waving frantically and smacking Shiro on the nose. "Don't say such lewd things!" _Boy, I __**wish**__!_

"Boy, do I _**wish**_," Kuro muttered under her breath, which Shiro conveniently failed to hear because, well, Illya _had_ just hit him.

Saber stared at the woman, wide-eyed and slack jawed. Her invisible sword, which had appeared out of nowhere and technically still needed to actually _appear_ clattered to the floor from her limp hands.

"Oh?" Iris said, turning at the sound. "Shiro-kun, you naughty boy, you had a girl over in your room for the night while your father and I were away! Naughty-naughty, Shiro-kun! Especially since your sisters are her– eh? Saber-chan? Is that you?"

"Irisviel…" Saber said softly, voice low and dramatic.

At least, that was the idea. She actually managed to get as far as "Irisvi–" before Iris suddenly squealed, leaping forward to glomp on to the surprised Saber and hitting her with the force of a small truck. "Saber-chan!" Iris squealed, making the glass creak ominously, the neighborhood dogs bark and causing Kuro to trace a pair of earplugs for herself. "It's YOU! I never thought I'd see you again! What are you doing sleeping in my son's room?"

"Y-your son?-!-?-!-?-!" Saber manged to sputter out.

Before Iris could reply, a voice outside the door said, "Iri-chan, could you please keep it down? You know that's not good for the dogs."

Saber froze, and Iris, surprised at the sudden change in mood of her old friend and Servant from long ago, hesitantly let her go. Her husband stepped through the door, took in the tableau and froze.

"Emiya Kiritsugu, PREPARE TO DIE!" Saber cried, grabbing her sword off the floor.

"Oh, crap," Kiritsugu managed to say before a Servant pissed off with his last order to her charged at him.

Day came.

...

"What are we going to do today, grandpa?" Shinji asked.

"The same thing we do every day, Shinji," Zouken said. "Cross as many moral event horizons as we can and take over the world!"

_Shinji and Zouken,_

_They're Shinji and Zouken,_

_Yes Shinji and Zouken,_

_One is a moron, the other's insane!_

_Shinji and Zouken, Zouken, Zouken, Zouken, Zouken, Zouken, Zouken, Zouken, Zouken!_

Sakura, proving she wasn't in any way possibly related to these two, snuck out of the house during their theme song.

Rider, knowing she wouldn't have time later after the two were done, washed and towel-dried her hair. When it trails to the floor like that, you have to be careful.

...

Somewhere, Wolkenritter were getting ready to attack Mahora, and a chef was moving around boxes full of bombs, gas and loli gynoids. But that's not really part of this story right now…

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: And now, one of the sillier aspects of this world: Domino masks, no matter how small, WORK! Completely covering your face with your hair so you're practically Sadako, EPIC FAIL. Buckets on your head pretty much have the same effect…

Sailor Moon and Shiro are disturbing similar. Both are Determinators fuled by the Power of Truth, love and Justice, both are spontaneous Deus Ex Machina activators, winning with this most of the time, and both are dangerously brain-dead with occasional bouts of even more disturbing insight and intelligence. Granted, that's a gross exaggeration and flanderization, but still…!

So, **Morganni**, is that permission to use your name?

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	3. This Holy Grail War–thing is fucked up!

A/N: This is current up to PRISMA ILLYA ZWEI chapter 9. Goes AU after that, unless I retcon it otherwise, since due to the slowness of it's updates it still don't know how Irisviel really reacts to Kuro.

...

FATE/Holy Grail War of 2814

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 3: You Frenchman! Ni! Ni!/Little Purple Boxes Want Pancakes/"Your son is an idiot. I blame you."/ Talent/Sucky Liars/"This Holy Grail War-thing is fucked up"/ Poor Communications Kills

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story. If I did… well, this would all be canon. WARNING: MAY CAUSE HEAD EXPLOSION!

...

Saber froze, and Iris, surprised at the sudden change in mood of her old friend and Servant from long ago, hesitantly let her go. Her husband stepped through the door, took in the tableau and froze.

"Emiya Kiritsugu, PREPARE TO DIE!" Saber cried, grabbing her sword off the floor.

"Oh, crap," Kiritsugu managed to say before a Servant pissed off with his last order to her charged at him.

"Saber, no!" Shiro cried, moving to intercept her. Well, he tried, anyway. He got tangled up in his blankets, Illya and Kuro and fell off his bed, dragging the two girls with him. They ended up in a heap, Kuro's head on his crotch, and Illya's crotch on his face.

Wires of energy flicked through the air, wrapping around Saber's sword and hands and pulling the Servant up short, nearly pulling her off her feet. "No Saber-chan, no killing my husband," Irisviel chided pleasantly. "Mommy wants to get laid this morning, and besides, he's the only one who knows how to get Avalon out."

"MOM!" Illya cried. "Too much information." She abruptly became conscious of what she was straddling, and looked down, blushing. "AH! Shiro-niisan! Don't look at me there." Then she looked a little lower. "KURO! Pull oniisan's pants back up!"

"Make me," Kuro said, her hair falling down in a curtain to cover up what she was doing.

Irisviel effortlessly picked Kuro up, who pouted. "Now now, Kuro-chan, breakfast first! You need to eat healthy so you can be big and bouncy like mommy!" she said, cupping her breasts to demonstrate.

Kiritsugu coughed nervously as his son tried to staunch the flow of blood down his nose. "Um, hello Saber. It's been a while. I guess it's too much to hope you don't remember the last war the way another Servant wouldn't?"

"Yes," Saber said coldly. She considered it dispassionately, then decided it wouldn't soil her honor to insult him in the harshest way she knew how. "You Frenchman! Ni! Ni!"

Kiritsugu winced at the triple invective. "I can explain…"

"But over breakfast!" Irisviel interrupted. "Mommy and her little purple boxes wants pancakes! Sella! Leysritt!"

"Pancakes are at 100 percent, ma'am!" Leysritt cried from downstairs. "Maple syrup at optimum!"

"So much fat! So many calories!" Sella wailed.

Illya frowned. "I've lost track. Is it a school day?"

Shiro blinked. "Mom? You can use magic? Since when?"

Saber, still tied up, turned to glare at Kiritsugu. "Your son is an idiot. I blame you."

...

They'd just sat down to breakfast when the front door opened, and Rin's voice cried, "Shiro! Illya! We need to discuss your Servants!"

"In here Rin!" Kuro cried cheerfully.

"AH! Tohsaka! How dare you attack this house! Clearly, you wish to take advantage of Shiro-kun's naïveté and bind him to your will or kill him! Well, I won't have it! Lancer, attack! Miyu, sneak attack!"

"Damned gaijin! Archer, kick her ass!"

There was the click of chain, and the world seemed to grow darker. Considering it was a bright, sunny day, that was significant.

"Damn you Illya, get your Servant to stand down! I'm on your side! Attack Luvia!" Rin's voice cried.

"LIES! I'm here for you Shiro-kun! Saber, Illya, help me take care of Rin!"

MIyu walked into the dining room, wearing her school uniform and looking very embarrassed.

"Hey Miyu-chan," Illya said, moving a little to make room for the girl. "Pancakes?"

"Thank you," Miyu said quietly, and the two tried to share a chair. "Berserker has Rin and Luvia held up. Shiro-san, can you ask them not to fight? Lancer and Archer seem to be considering it. Good morning Irisviel-san, Kiritsugu-san, Saber-san, Leysritt-san, Sella-san. And Kuro."

"Aw, Miyu, you _do_ think intimate thoughts about me!" Kuro cooed. "Using just my name so!"

Miyu glared at her. Kuro waggled her tongue suggestively.

Archer and Lancer entered the dining room, looking embarrassed as Rin and Luvia were carried in by the hulking form of Berserker. The daylight seemed to wash out his armor, making it more real-seeming, without the eye-wrenching twisting it had exhibited the night before. He seemed more human somehow and less an eldritch abomination in the light. He was _still_ frickin' scary though. Rin and Luvia glared at each other in the grip of his hands, which were holding the two girls like they were coke bottles.

Irisviel sighed. "Honestly Shiro, we leave you alone for _one_ day and you and your sister manage to summon Servants, get involved in a Holy Grail War and meet up with two other Masters. Couldn't you have just called your friends, had a party, tried smoking and drinking, and lost your virginities like normal teenagers?"

"MOTHER!" Illya cried.

"Not to _each other_, sweetie," Irisviel said. "Not unless you really want to."

Berserker looked up to the heavens. With Rin and Luvia in each hand, the pose was strangely reminiscent of Darth Vader's narmiest scene. You could _feel_ him asking "Why me?".

Kiritsugu quietly ate his pancakes, trying to ignore Saber's constant glare. He turned to the girls. "So, how do you know Shiro and Illya, girls?"

"I know them from school," Shiro said.

"Rin drafted me to become a magical girl," Illya said.

"What? Rin drafted you to become a magical girl?" Shiro cried. He stared at Rin, who squirmed slightly.

"He certainly likes to repeat what other people say, doesn't he?" Saber said. She was cutting up her pancakes suspiciously, but ate it readily enough.

"Ah, that's what that was," Irisviel said. "I've been wondering about that." She turned to the two slightly out-of-their-element Servants. "Would you like some breakfast?"

Lancer looked at his Master, at the table, at the other Servants and shrugged. "Sure, why not? It smells very nice."

"Thank you!" Leysritt said.

"Rin hasn't fed me yet anyway," Archer said, also taking a seat. The table was now quite crowded.

"You're a Servant, you don't _need_ to eat food," Rin pointed out.

"So?" Archer said. "It's the asking that counts. It's only polite."

"Illya-chan, could you please tell your Servant to put those girls down? Girls, pull up those stools. Would you three like pancakes?" Irisviel offered the two magi and the big Servant. The Servant ignored the offer, crouching down on the floor behind Illya as the two teenaged girls pulled up stools, ending up sitting next to the two maids since Saber was firmly seated on one side of Shiro and Illya sat on the other. "Oh well. Syrup, girls?"

"Thank you, ma'am," the two said.

"Now, who'd like to explain what's going on first?" Irisviel said.

...

They'd had to order Shiro to shut up and just eat his pancakes since he felt compelled to repeat every revelation that came out. Rin and Luvia reluctantly revealed their connections to the Clocktower Association. They eyed Kiritsugu, fully aware of his reputation, even after all these years. Things like being called the 'Magus Killer' stayed with a person.

Miyu, Kuro and Illya explained about how they'd become Magical Girls– which earned Rin and Luvia a level look from Kiritsugu, not to mention Shiro and Archer. Even Lancer was faintly disapproving– recounting how they'd fought the 'Class Cards' and then the zany misadventures that resulted when they'd tried to stabilize Fuyuki's Earth Pulse and accidentally created Kuro.

"Wait," Shiro interrupted, a stream of syrup trailing down one side of his mouth. "Doesn't mom and dad already know about this?"

"First time I've heard about it," Kiritsugu said.

"Oh, that's why the three of you were in cosplay that time I drove by!" Irisviel said.

"But, if you didn't know, why did you adopt Kuro?" Shiro asked.

"Her idea," Kiritsugu said, pointing at his wife.

"She was so CUTE!" Irisviel exclaimed.

Illya and Shiro's heads thumped against the table.

It was when detailing recent events that things got more exciting. Apparently, becoming a Magical Girl wasn't so big a shock when you come from a family of Magi, but…

"You've met Superman?" Kiritsugu exclaimed, wide-eyed.

"You've met Green Lantern-chan?" Shiro exclaimed, equally loud.

"You've met NEGI SPRINGFIELD!-?" Irisviel cried, practically orgasmic. "Is it true what they say, that he was a foot-long pen–"

"MOM!" Illya cried, clamping her hands on her ears.

"Wouldn't know, I didn't have the opportunity to take off his pants," Kuro said.

Somewhere beyond the fourth wall, someone sneezed.

Luvia and Rin stared at Illya. "Wait, that's who that was?" Rin asked, wide-eyed.

"What, the kid who turned into lightning?" Illya said. "Yeah. I talked to him on the way home. What's the big deal?"

The girls and her parents told them. In detail. The Servants listened eagerly.

"WHAT?" Illya, Kuro and Miyu exclaimed. "HE'S AN INSANELY POWERFUL MAGE WHO'S THE SON OF ANOTHER INSANELY POWERFUL MAGE AND A QUEEN WHOSE BEEN FALSELY ACCUSED OF DESTROYING THE WORLD, AND IS ACTUALLY THE HEIR OF A MAGIC KINGDOM ON ANOTHER WORLD?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!"

"Stop repeating what everyone just said," Shiro said, feeling like he'd just gotten some of his own back.

"Is it true he's as hot as people say?" Rin asked eagerly.

"Does he really have a harem?" Luvia asked. "Are they still taking members?"

"Hah! As if you're pretty or experienced enough to service Negi-dono!" Rin snapped at her rival.

"Oh, and you are, with those shrunken little things?" Luvia shot back. "I, unlike you, have _TALENT_!"

_boing!_

Somewhere, Kino Makoto sneezed.

Lancer leaned to Archer as Rin froze. "This isn't the time I know, so I have to ask: is insulting a woman's breasts still a killing offense among them?"

"Yes," Archer said. "Yes, it is."

"Crap. And I was just enjoying breakfast, too."

"Why you…!" Rin growled, lunging at Luvia.

Irisviel squirted syrup on them. They paused, blinking at her. "Now now, if you two are going to fight and start tearing each other's clothes apart before suddenly melting into a frenzy of lesbian sex, you need to be thorough. And since we don't have jello…"

"And this, son, is why I married your mother," Kiritsugu informed Shiro sagely as the two of them developed nosebleeds.

Saber sighed. What had she done to deserve this?

And then more exposition came.

"Wait, you're cooperating with Green Lantern, Ala Alba and Sailor Mercury," Rin ignored Sella, Leysritt and Irisviel's fangirl squeals, "to form some kind of Magical Girl Association? Why haven't you told us about this?"

"I tried, but I couldn't contact you. You were apparently off doing something else," Illya eyed Archer and Lancer.

"We're in!" Luvia cried. "To be in the same group as Ala Alba and the Sailor Senshi? Definitely!"

"So you two will stop fighting and work to assist each other as Magical Girls?" Magical Ruby, on Illya's shoulder and now introduced, asked.

The two smiled widely. It wasn't pretty.

"Absolutely," Luvia blatantly lied.

"Of course," Rin agreed, just as honest.

"You two are sucky liars," Magical Sapphire commented.

"Now it's your turn!" Illya declared pointing at her parents. Kiritsugu began looking a bit nervous. "Where do you two fit in all this? How does Saber know you?"

"Dad's been teaching me magic, so I know he's a magus," Shrio added. "But he made me promise not to tell Illya and mother. I assumed they didn't know."

Irisviel glared at her husband. "_That's _what you've been doing instead of cleaning the shed or pulling out Avalon? Teaching Shiro magic? Kiritsugu!"

"I wanted him to know how to defend himself," Kiritsugu said lamely.

"Wait," Saber said flatly. "What was that about Avalon?"

Irisviel thrust a finger at her husband. "Genius here put it in Shiro to heal some of his wounds as a child and hasn't gotten around to getting it out yet."

Saber leveled a glare at Kiritsugu. "Ah. That's why I've been summoned. I suppose you left a summoning circle in the shed?"

"Is that thing still there?" Kiritsugu said nervously. "I thought I'd cleaned that up already…"

"Stop stalling!" Illya declared. "It's your turn to explain!"

Irisviel sighed. "Well, Illya-chan, it's like this. We know Saber-chan from the _last_ Holly Grail War from ten years ago… you know, I'm not really much good at talking about this."

"Mom!" Illya cried. Kuro went to get some ice-cream from the freezer.

"So I made a movie!" Irisviel cried, pulling out a DVD. "Come on, let's go to the living room and watch!"

"But… don't we have school?"

"Oh, forget school," Irisviel declared, skipping to the living room. "I never went to school, and look how I turned out!"

Those who needed to go to school watched her warily.

"It's rated R-18," Irisviel waved the DVD.

"YAY!" Kuro cried, pulling Illya and Miyu after her.

Archer and Lancer looked at each other as the others reluctantly followed. "I've killed a lot of people," Lancer said. "You?"

"Probably the same," Archer agreed. "Amnesia, remember? However, I think this is a lot worse than we deserve…"

...

_3…_

_2…_

_1…_

_Irisviel films presents_

…

**FATE/ZERO!**

"Eh? What kind of a title is that?" Illya asked. "Zero what?"

_Starring_…

_**IRISVIEL VON EINZBERN!**_

"Mom, stop pretending to be the star!"

"But I _am_ the star!"

"Shh, it's starting!" Kuro hushed. "Pass the popcorn!"

They watched the movie. There was the line-up of seven Servants. Saber in her blue dress and armor, a golden armored man that was identified as Archer and made their own Archer growl for some reason. A group of black-clad, skull faced figures collective called Assassin. A pretty-looking man with two spears was Lancer.

"Wow," Kuro commented. "You Lancers really like walking around looking like manwhores, don't you."

"Hey!" Lancer protested. "You're one to talk!"

"Well, duh," Kuro said.

There was an enormous, solid-looking man labeled as Rider. A beautiful woman in strange clothes, carrying a book and a staff with a cross-like, bladed end was Caster. A black knight in eerie armor that completely covered him was Berserker.

Instinctively, everyone looked behind the sofa towards Berserker. "Hmm…" they all chorused.

Then there was the lineup of Masters. Kiritsugu was one, but also…

"Hey, that's my dad!" Rin exclaimed. "Dad had a pimp beard! I'd forgotten all about that... And Uncle Kariya!" She paused to consider, looking at Kiritsugu. "This movie is going to suck for me, isn't it?"

"Most likely," Saber said, glaring sideways to Kiritsugu.

"AH! CREEPY PERVERT PRIEST!" Illya cried when Kirei's picture appeared.

Irisviel patted her on the back. "There there, it's al right. He can't hurt you."

There was action. There were Servants flying planes. There were things that were most probably made up. There was beam spam. There was death. There was fire. There were the screams of the dying…

"The End!" Irisviel cried, forcefully ejecting the DVD. "And what did we learn today, children?"

They all sat in horrified silence.

"This Holy Grail War-thing is fucked up," Kuro said, speaking for all of them. "Pass the popcorn, I need to hurl."

"I'm not doing that!" Shiro declared. "No. Just… NO!"

"No fighting…" Illya whimpered, curled against Miyu, who was wide-eyed and frozen. "No fighting…"

Irisviel smiled widely at the other older girls. Rin was clutching the pillow in her hands tightly, and Luvia was hugging her knees. "Oh, I think the poor dears are broken," Irisviel said.

Among them, only Kiritsugu and the Servants seemed mostly unaffected, though that was mostly because their faces were blank masks. The maids had run away crying to their rooms after the first ten minutes. The soundtrack had periodically been interrupted with the sound of bedsprings bouncing.

Irisviel looked at the time. "So, who's up for lunch?"

...

Shinji laughed evilly as he checked on the sigils he'd placed all around the school. Soon… soon… soon, they would all pay… And Tohsaka would be HIS!

...

Gilgamesh lounged about, watching episodes of Friends and Drew Carey. It was better than Seinfeld. Kramer had to die.

...

Medea shored up Mount Enzou, gathering mana from the city slowly but non-lethally. She had no desire to run into those 'Magical Girls' who had been running around some time ago. All she wanted was to live peacefully with her husband-to-be. Was that too much to ask…?

...

Somewhere, Caster woke. "Uh… Time check."

A beat.

"Excellent. Only a matter of time… _Destiny awaits…_"

...

"Hmm…" Illya mused. "I feel like I'm forgetting something…"

Somewhere, the Wolkenritter sneezed.

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: OMG! Rin's dad had a pimp beard!

The Fate/ZERO video does not tell the whole story. After all, it only tells what Irisviel and Kiritsugu could know. And of course, there are the changes…

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	4. Destiny Awaits! The Fated Day Is Here…

A/N: This is an alternate Fate/Zero that happened. I liked everyone but Caster and his master, who were both evil slimeballs, so I replaced them to further the plot. Seriously.

...

FATE/Holy Grail War of 2814

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 4: The Sakura Chapter!/Flashback To ZERO/ "Yes, Master."/_One is a moron, the other's insane!/ Destiny Awaits. The Fated Day Is Here…_

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story. If I did… well, this would all be canon. WARNING: MAY CAUSE HEAD EXPLOSION!

...

Sakura dreamed. She dreamed of a beautiful future and feathers and wings and finally being the Mistress of the Cards, and a mysterious shrouded figure who felt like Clow Reed.

Whoops, sorry, wrong Sakura. Let's try this again…

Sakura dreamed. It was one she'd had often enough. It was a dark and lonely night…

_It was a dark and lonely night, and Uncle Kariya was dead. _

_The scary __old man who she now had to call grandfather– not grandpa or anything else, 'Grandfather'– had taken him away, leaving Sakura alone in the big lonely house again, locked in her room, feeling the strange heat inside her as _things_ crawled inside her. Her insides prickled and flamed in pain, and she bled where she shouldn't, and…_

_The window clicked open. Sakura's head snapped towards it, even in the midst of her pain, the images of movie monsters in her mind made all the more monstrous by the dawning possibility they might be truly real. And now her sister wasn't here to protect her…_

_The window slid open, and a dark, shrouded figure climbed in, tripped on the trailing __hem of her jeans and fell face first on the carpet, the book she'd been holding dropping on her head. "Darn it," she muttered. _

_The _things_ in the room, crawling the walls and ceilings and her bed, attacked._

_The one who had climbed into her room snapped up her hand, pure white wings suddenly erupting from her back. Light __gathered in her hand. "_Night Sky Gorgeous Meditation!_" the trespasser cried._

_The light flared. Sakura covered her eyes instinctively as a high-pitched cry echoed through her, more a felt vibration than an actual sound__. _

_When the light died, Sakura noticed two things._

_One, she no longer felt anything crawling inside her. The pain was gone__, dulled. _

_Two, the person in her room was glowing. _

_Sakura stared up at her. It was__ a beautiful woman with clear blue eyes, dusting herself of as she got to her feet. "Stupid attack name," she was muttering to herself. "Seriously, what kind of crack was the Serenity line on?". Two pairs of black wings outlined in white light grew from her back, and were very strange against her plain jeans and sweater. The light came from around her feet, a sort of pattern in white Sakura couldn't make out properly, since it seemed to pass under and through walls and furniture. The woman turned to Sakura and smiled reassuringly_

_Sakura almost asked her if she was an angel._

"_Tohsaka Sakura?" the woman said kindly. __She'd almost forgotten that name. "Sakura-chan?"_

_She'd nodded, staring. "Who are you?"_

_The woman knelt, looking up at her sitting on the small bed. "I'm… a friend.__ At least I'd like to be. I'm here to give you a gift. You can call me… Caster."_

"_A gift?" Sakura said, curious. _

_The woman __nodded her head pleasantly, and Sakura's heart rose. "I'm here to give you a friend. I'm here to make sure you're never by yourself in this house. I'm here to make the bad things leave you alone."_

_The __hope clutched at Sakura's heart as the woman held out her hand. She spoke something that sounded like a name, and another book appeared there…_

The rest of the dream blurred, rushed, hazy. Each dreaming, some things were glossed over, and some things were remembered with crystal clarity. There was another woman who suddenly appeared, who knelt before the woman called Caster. Caster called her 'my wind' and had her take Sakura's hand. There was warmth, and light, and a feeling of someone standing with their hand _just_ over Sakura's shoulder. Words came through murky dream images.

"_This is __a special friend of mine, Sakura-chan," Caster had said. "When I was alone, and afraid, and hurt, she came and made my life better. She bought me friends, and a family to call my own, who loved me, and who I would love in turn. I give her to you, so that she may do the same. She'll take care of you."_

_The other woman had bowed over Sakura's hand, also smiling. "Hello, little one. __My name is–"_

Her alarm clock rang.

With lightning speed, Sakura's arm snapped out and shut it off. She opened her eyes to the same room, older, the paint darker, with few personal effects. The last words of the dream, the same words over and over, for the past ten years, echoed through her mind. This time, though, it was slightly different.

_Destiny awaits__. The fated day is here…_

She also ignored the last glimpse of the scarecrow with a jack-o'-lantern on his head complaining about weird Japanese types with weirder dreams.

Yawning, she pushed herself awake. She looked down at her alarm clock, an old metal thing of springs and gears that needed to be wound up, and frowned as she realized she'd hit it too hard again. Well she couldn't have that. She placed a hand on the broken alarm clock and closed her eyes. "_Reinforce_," she said.

The clock was repaired.

...

Sakura checked the guest room. She wasn't always there, but she always checked. She had responsibilities, after all. "Rider-san?" she whispered, the tray warm in her hands.

A movement in the shadows. As far as she could tell, Rider never used the bed. She just stood in the corner until the sun came up. "Here, Master," the tall, busty woman said quietly.

"I'm not your Master," Sakura said, just as quietly, putting the tray down on the small desk with the broken lamp she'd never seemed to get around to fixing. "Shinji is. I bought you breakfast."

Rider's head bowed a little. "You did not need to do so, Master. I don't need to eat."

"Nonsense," Sakura said, smiling. This exchange had strangely become routine. "Now eat up. It's full of nice, healthy prana so you don't have go looking for it. Just leave the tray in my room when you're done."

A small, bittersweet, fond smile graced the Servant's lips for a moment. "Yes, Master."

"And stop calling me that, Rider-san."

"Yes, Master."

_Yes, Master_

The words echoed inside Sakura, a ten year-old part of her. _Yes, Master._

"Well, I'm off to school," Sakura said. "I'll try to bring some of those buns you like on the way home. If you're not here, I'll leave them in the cooler in the closet."

"There's no need, Master," Rider said. "You are already too kind."

"Nonsense," Sakura said. "You're a guest here. I'm supposed to take care of you."

_Take care of you…_

Sakura shook her head to clear it. She could hear the theme music rising, and knew her opportunity to sneak off was coming. "I have to go now."

"Yes, Master."

"And stop calling me that, Rider-san."

"Yes, Master."

Sakura went off to get her school things as Rider quickly went to wash her hair in the basin of water Sakura had also provided her.

"What are we going to do today, grandpa?" they heard Shinji ask.

"The same thing we do every day, Shinji," the evil old man said. "Cross as many moral event horizons as we can and take over the world!"

_Shinji and Zouken,_

_They're Shinji and Zouken,_

_Yes Shinji and Zouken,_

_One is a moron, the other's insane!_

_Shinji and Zouken, Zouken, Zouken, Zouken, Zouken, Zouken, Zouken, Zouken, Zouken!_

Sakura snuck out of the house.

...

She heard rumors as she approached the school gate, and though she wasn't normally a nosy person by nature, she stopped to listen.

"Hey, have you heard? Kuzuki-sensei is getting married, and I heard his fiancé is _hot_. Like, 'too good for him' hot!"

"Did you hear? The police arrested a bunch of Yakuza last night, all babbling about demons."

"Oh, crap! It's the Shadows! The Dark Hour is upon us! Nyx is going to destroy the world!"

"You really need to stop playing those videogames, Anyway, my uncle's a cop, and I heard they found weird chemical residue and traces of bladed weapons."

"Oh, crap! It's the ninja! The ninja are upon us! Akatsuki is going to destroy the world!"

"Oh, get a grip man! It's probably Armor Rider Gold again."

"I thought he was a myth? Some kind of sentai hero who beats up Yakuza and other criminal types and anyone else he runs into."

"Get a load of this guy! Next you'll tell me you don't believe in Superman or Green Lantern or giant monsters attacking Tokyo…"

"Hey, I'm not saying I don't think it's possible. I'm just a Magical Girl fan, is all."

In Sakura's mind's ear, the words repeated themselves. _Destiny awaits. The fated day is here…_

...

Shiro didn't come to school that day. That was depressing. She'd been hoping to see him, maybe have lunch with him before Shinji butted in or something. Or Issei did.

It was only afterwards that she realized that Rin hadn't come to school either. Or the loud foreign student Luvia. Was there a connection?

She fretted over this as she left school to buy Rider her buns, hearing her schoolmates exchange more rumors as she left. There had been some kind of terrorist attack in a big school in Tokyo. No, it was outside Tokyo, in Hina. No, it was Mahora, you morons! Green Lantern had been there. No, Superman had been there. No, Supergirl had! No, the Flash! No, it was Robert Jordan Reborn into the current Age to fight the Shadow! No, it was a zombie Tyrannosaurs Rex! No, it was Hawkgirl in a meido outfit!

Sakura tried not to laugh at that image.

...

She was doing her homework when her room suddenly filled with worms.

She started in surprise, childhood fears of the things coming to the fore even as the door to her room suddenly opened and Shinji entered, his face twisted in a leer. "Hello, sister," he said, closing the door behind him–

And stopped. The worms faded away.

Sakura let out a breath. No matter how many times this happened, she still wasn't used to it. "Thank you, Kaze-neechan."

A warm feeling filled her as she headed for the bookshelf, pulling out a thick, leather-covered tome that completely fit in with all the other books there, old tomes on random subjects she'd taken from the study library merely for their look. The warmth was the most acknowledgment she could expect.

Opening the book, she came to a well-worm page, and began to recite even as she took control of the spell binding Shinji. "_Practe Biginaru_," she intoned, beginning the words of the memory erasure spell as her prana became converted into something that could be used for it through the book she held…

A while later, Shinji left the room, fully convinced he'd just raped Sakura senseless. Sakura went back to her homework, the book she'd used completely indistinct from any other book in the room…

...

_Time moved forward. The __middle of the night…_

Somewhere, Caster woke. "Uh… Time check."

A beat.

"Excellent. Only a matter of time… _Destiny awaits…_" Caster smiled. "Ich komme, meine Purpur Reiter Eisen…Mein geliebtes… Warte auf mich…Ich komme…"

...

It was, Batman considered in the small hours of the morning, extremely satisfying to put down garden variety thugs and organized crime. No riddles, no looking for plant, Alice in Wonderland, Duality, Coins, the number two, clowns, smiles or any other such connections. Find scum, follow scum, beat scum up so bad it puts the fear of _HIM_ into them, rinse, repeat as needed. This was actually turning into a pretty relaxing vacation. Clark's 'vacation curse' idea was pure superstition.

Clark Kent looked up, suddenly feeling like the universe wanted him to laugh maniacally. He sneezed instead.

It was the thirty-fifth Yakuza-den on the night– thirty-fifth! He was on a roll!– when the first hiccup occurred.

The one he was following had barely walked in when there was a scream of primal terror and he ran out again. Batman, standing on a conveniently tall building, watched as some kind of tendril erupted from the darkened doorway, grabbed the running man by his legs and dragged him back screaming through the door.

When Batman crashed through a conveniently large window scant seconds later, it was to catch a glimpse of an enormous armored form negligently drop the man onto the floor from his grip, at least a four-foot drop. The man hit the ground and tried to curl into a ball, an activity hampered by the fact one leg was apparently broken. Other broken bodies filled the room, all alive and probably wishing the weren't.

Batman recognized the black hulking monster even as he rebounded, tumbling to as to kick the behemoth with both feet.

A hand darting faster than he'd a thought possible stopped him cold. It gripped him at his waist, covering his belt and most of his weapons there. A flick of a wrist sent him crashing out another window.

By the time he managed to return, the Servant was gone.

And an enormous, misshapen, monstrous shape of a bat had been torn into one wall.

"Hmm…" Batman mused. "Curiouser and curiouser."

And deciding not to look a gift horse in the mouth while he pondered this latest mystery, he interrogated the closest hapless thug about where he could find others of a superstitious and cowardly nature…

...

The Golden One stood in a dark alley and smiled. "I know you're there. I can feel you."

_Join us__…_

The words echoed in the air, as if from several throats.

_Come to our world__…_

The shadows seemed to materialize, dark trench-coated forms with elongated limbs and deformed features stepping out of the dark.

_Join us__…_

_Come to our world__…_

The Golden One cracked his knuckles. "No. _You_ will leave _mine_. I will not have your kind in the kingdom I will rule again."

They streaked towards him like elongated shadows, hands grasping.

"Gate of Babylon… Open!"

The key turned. A weapon was withdrawn. Mana was had.

He smiled. In the still of night, he heard a news report on the exploits of Superman carried from a passing car, fading as it left. Heroes anew. Evil gods. A new Age of Might. Perhaps Kirei was wrong. Perhaps this _was _aworld worthy of his rule again. Still, maybe he'd just see what the little shit had in mind…

...

_The next morning…_

"I can't believe we missed it!" Kuro groused as she, Illya and Miyu headed for the grade school. "A big fight like that, and no one called us!"

"Well, to be fair, there's no way we'd have gotten there anyway," Illya said. "I mean, it was all the way over in Mahora. Besides, at around that time, I think Rin was still puking, and you and Archer were trying to out-badass each other in the living room."

"Which I clearly won!" Kuro declared. "The coward left!"

"Only because Rin had to go back home," Miyu pointed out quietly.

"Details, details! I am clearly more GAR!"

"Huh?" Illya said. "What does _that _mean?"

"Look it up. TvTropes, dattebayo!"

"That's getting really old."

...

"There is clearly some kind of boundary field in place over the school," Rin declared. She pointed dramatically at Luvia. "Edelfelt! What foul plot have you set up to ensnare our poor, defenseless classmates?-!"

Luvia sniffed. "You are clearly delusional, Tohsaka! Why would I wish to endanger Shiro-kun so?"

Spirit mode Archer leaned towards spirit mode Lancer as the two girls bickered on the roof of the school, a hapless Shiro caught in between. "Remind me again why those three are cooperating?"

"Your Master and my Master both have the hots for the boy, and are trying to impress him by looking like they share his interests, which in this instance seems to be brain-damaged pacifism," Lancer said. "It's sad, really. That Rin looks like a very steady, level-headed girl, otherwise. A real scrapper. Mine seems to think throwing enough money at a problem can solve it. To be fair, most problems can be, but it's kinda uncreative. A bit embarrassing, too."

"Wanna trade?" Archer offered.

"And let you have the one who can let you shoot me from a helicopter? No thanks!"

The two 'Hmm'-ed as the three Masters established that the boundary field was some kind of life-force draining field between lots of exposition and clueless looks from Shiro.

"You know…" Archer pointed out. "They're not likely to miss us with Captain Obvious around. Wanna sneak into the girl's bathroom?"

Lancer sighed. "It's a really pity I have to fight you."

"That a no?"

"Oh, no. Let's go! If I stay here any longer, I'll have to smack that guy for being a disgrace to all men."

"Ditto."

...

"Aha!" Iris cried as she finally managed to find what she was looking for. "I knew this was back here somewhere!"

She whirled, and Saber stared at the suit in Iris's hands.

Iris grinned widely at her. "Saber, SUIT UP!"

...

Somewhere in the world, Morgaine Le Fay looked up from her latest clue as to the location of the so-called Philosopher's Stone she sought, frowning as she felt a cold chill pass through her. Then she disregarded it, and went back to reading…

...

J'onn J'onz of Mars frantically tried to reach Earth, a rare plant that might be the only hope of the humans to stand against the Imperium his ship's only cargo as he escaped from his beloved world of Ma'aleca'andra, the pale ones in pursuit…

...

On Mid-Childa, Precia Testarossa suffered in some prison for the loss of her daughter, and wondered yet again what the clone and the TSAB had done to Alicia…

...

Medea made wedding preparations, and wished not for the first time she had enough money to hire a planner or someone…

...

Within the Grail just forming, light and darkness stirred. A tragic soul, twisted and ruined, now cursed to be the unwilling core of evil. A decade-long guard waking, her dreams of her family and beloved coming to an end as duty reasserted itself.

Kotomine waited for the senseless killing to come as beliefs would be made as cobwebs before the cruel light of day. Humanity ended, just a little bit more, and he'd have a front row seat. Who knows, maybe he'd finally be able to return the favor Emiya Kiritsugu had done him by killing him. It would be the least he could do…

Four desperate knights, spurned by grief and just a touch of madness, turned their sights to one last hope as their Mistress lay dying.

A young girl in loligoth killed with happy abandon to the voice in her head urging her on.

Plans were made. Plans were set. The world continued on…

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: Action scenes in the next chap. Promise. Now just have to finish the next chapter of Nanoha…

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	5. Unlimited Blade Works

A/N: Fun with titles. Those who do not like (BLEEP) are being warned. There will be (BLEEP).

Any chance this being recommended on the FST fanfic recs page? TvTropes, dattebayo!

...

FATE/Holy Grail War of 2814

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 5: Spending Lots Of Domestic Time And Training Montages VS All Of Us Being The Victim Of A Single Evil Maniac Who Inflicted Horrendous Evil On Us In The Past, Causing Us To Grudgingly Agree To Work Together To Kill Him, And Finally Learning To Respect Each Other As We Go Through Hell And Near-Death Experiences, While Revealing Our Respective Origin Stories To Each Other In Poignant, Heartwarming Tearjerker Scenes, While Undergoing Lots Of Character Development! Illya's Choice!/The Servants (And Kuro) Set Out!/OH, DOUBLE CRAP!/Unlimited Blade Works!

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story. If I did… well, this would all be canon. WARNING: MAY CAUSE HEAD EXPLOSION!

...

_Days pass…_

"I just got a very homoerotic proposition from Shinji today," Shiro said over dinner.

Rin, Luvia, and Illya all did a spit-take. "WHAT?" they all chorused, staring at Shiro.

Kuro made a sound. "Huh. I'd have thought Issei would have made a move first. How'd it go, bro? Did you score?"

"I certainly hope you used protection," Iris said. "Who knows where that boy's been."

"Matous," Kiritsugu said dismissively. "Evil bastards the lot of them."

Archer raised his glass in an approving salute. "Fuck em all and burn what's left."

"Amen," Rin agreed. "I knew there had to be a reason I got you."

"Now, now, language," Iris chided. "Just because the (BLEEP)-ING Matou's need to be (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP)-ed is no call for such lukewarm language. It's full (BLEEP)-ing or nothing."

"MOM!" Kuro cried, shocked. "Do you give dad blowjobs with that dirty mouth?"

"Often, practically on an hourly basis!" Irisviel chirped happily

"OH GOD, MY EARS!" Illya and Shiro chorused, hands clasped over said organs and trying to think of what might bleach their brain.

Lancer stared down at his dinner, which to be fair was very nice. "How did we end up eating here again?"

"A team needs to work together!" Illya cried. "Between the two alternatives of having several diverse and uncomplimentary people learn to work together and respect each other's abilities and beliefs, the 'spending lots of domestic time and training montages' approach seemed the best choice, between the two."

"And the other one was…?" Saber asked warily.

"All of us being the victim of a single evil maniac who inflicted horrendous evil on us in the past, causing us to grudgingly agree to work together to kill him, and finally learning to respect each other as we go through hell and near-death experiences, while revealing our respective origin stories to each other in poignant, heartwarming tearjerker scenes, while undergoing lots of character development," Illya said.

Saber considered this. "Luvia, please pass the seasoning."

"Here."

"Thank you."

Shiro sighed. "Doesn't anyone want to know what it was about?"

"You _did_ score?" Kuro said. There was another round of spit-takes.

Archer leaned over and lay a finger on Kuro's cheek. "Trace, on," he said.

A length of duct tape appeared over the girl's mouth.

"Thank you," Miyu said.

Kuro gave him the finger.

"_Anyway_" Shiro said, rushing quickly so he wouldn't be interrupted again. "It turns out Shinji is also a Master and invited me to work with him."

Rin thrust a fist into the air. "YES! Finally an excuse to kill that little shit! Archer, come on, let's go blow up his house right now!"

"I'm eating," Archer said reproachfully, mouth partly full.

"Tohsaka!" Shiro exclaimed in shock. "We can't do that! Shinji's done nothing to us, and he says he just wants to be left alone in this war! He says he won't attack anyone who doesn't attack him. He was forced into this position, just like me and Illya!"

"Illya and _I_," Miyu corrected. Everyone stared at her. "Well, it's correct."

Lancer held up a finger. "Is it just me, or is it a bad idea to let the moron Master with absolutely no tactical sense and the character judging skills of a potato dictate our War prosecution policy?"

Rin, Luvia and Illya all glared at him.

Lancer paused, but no support was forthcoming. He glared at Archer and Saber. "Oh, come on, you two agree with me, don't you?"

"First rule of Servant-Master dynamics," Archer said easily as he sipped from a cup of tea, one pinky out. He somehow made the gesture look butch and manly, with lots of balls. "Don't piss off the one giving you mana."

Saber thought about this, and said, "While I remain neutral in this discussion, you have my sympathetic agreement."

Lancer's eyebrow twitched. "What touching lukewarm sentiment of unparalleled ambivalence." He turned to the parents. "Come on, you've done this before! Shouldn't you be interfering and controlling like hell to make sure we don't make your mistakes?"

"I approve of Rin's 'kill all Matous at the slightest excuse' initiative," Kiritsugu said.

Iris reached under the table and pulled out a weapon that looked like a futuristic tommy gun made to fire shotgun shells. It had 'explosive magic rounds' written in tape on its stock. "Mistakes corrected," she said cheerfully.

"Dear, you know the rule. No guns on the table."

"Sorry, honey," she said, and bent down to put it back under the table. She did not come back up.

Illya thumped the table, then dove underneath. "MOM! THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO GIVE DAD A BLOWJOB! AHH! MY EYES!"

"It's still in, Illya-chan."

"That's not the point! I'm still mentally scarred by the image!"

Lancer looked down at himself. "It's a bad indicator I'm feeling nostalgic for the time I got torn apart."

"Does he have any idea who might have set up the boundary field at the school?" Rin said.

"He says he didn't do it, and I believe him," Shiro said. "He said he thought you might have done it."

"THAT BASTARD! HE DIES! ARCHER!"

"I'm still eating," Archer said, munching on a cake Kiritsugu had picked up a few days ago on his way from Uminari city to buy illegal ammo for Iris.

Lancer sighed. "Character judging skills of a potato, people! Shouldn't we at least check this guy out? Or as Rin keeps saying, kill him?"

"YES!" Rin cried. "Let's go, Lancer!"

"Don't try giving _my_ Servant orders, bitch!" Luvia cried.

Lancer closed is eyes and counted up to a twenty digits using only prime numbers with the number 3 in them. In the past few days, he had to get creative about calming down. "Did you at _least_ make out who his Servant is?" he said, glaring at Shiro.

"Well, I'm fairly sure she was a Rider," Shiro said. "Reasonably sure. At least that's what my Master Stat-Vision said. Oh, and he did give me a lead. He said a Master had taken up residence in Ryuudo temple."

"Uh oh," Iris said as Kiritsugu stiffened. "That's not good."

Shiro blinked. "Huh?"

Exposition followed.

"That's not good," Illya concluded.

"We have a Master standing on the most tactically advantageous piece of real estate in the city," Archer said. "Of course it's not good, skippy!"

Rin gave him a look. "Exactly what _do_ you remember, anyway?"

Archer thought about it. "The hard plastic stuff on the ends of shoelaces are called aglets. Their true purpose is sinister."

Rin's head dropped onto the table. "You're useless, aren't you?"

"Your fault," Archer reminded her.

Miyu, who was keeping quiet and being mostly forgotten, sighed. She turned to Magical Sapphire, who was on her shoulder. "Nothing to add?"

The Zelretch creation thought it over. "I honestly have nothing to contribute."

"We're not attacking the one at Ryuudo!" Shiro was saying. "They're not doing anything to us!"

"Yet," Saber insisted. "The Servants unaccounted for are Assassin, Rider, and Caster. Who knows what kind of damage they can cause, supported by that kind of power? And what of their Masters? Surely experienced Masters would be ridiculously dangerous with such power? We have to check it out"

"I think we have more than enough evidence to suggest they're only recruiting from idiots, morons and tsunderes this year, Saber," Lancer pointed out. "I wouldn't worry about the Master so much."

"HEY!" the Master's gallery chorused as Saber considered this.

"I suppose you're right," Saber agreed, to another chorus of "HEY!"s. "This Shinji can't be too bright if he's friends with Shiro."

Shiro sighed. "Why does everyone keep picking on me…?"

"Aw, does Shiro-niichan want his own Einzbern-style blowjob to feel better?" Kuro said, slipping under the table.

"COMPACT FULL OPEN! EXPANDING CONNECTION TO ALTERNATE REALITIES!" Illya cried. "KALEIDO RUBY PRISMA ILLYA, TRANSFORMED!"

One kick sent the table flying up to the ceiling as Magical Girl Illya dove at Kuro, while Shiro frantically closed his zipper.

Archer chewed on the last of the cake on his fork and held out a hand. "Illya and Kuro ruined dinner tonight," he said. "Pay up."

Sighing, Iris, Sella, and Leysritt forked over the money they owed.

Saber stared in horror. "That cake…" she said, voice small. One side of her lip twisted in a slasher smile. "WHAT HAVE YOU TWO DONE TO THE CAKE?-!"

Chaos happened.

It was just another night of the Holy Grail War in the Emiya house…

...

Saber had just snuck out of the house when a voice said, "About damned time."

She whirled.

Archer and Lancer stood leaning against one wall, the latter negligently cradling his spear, the latter playing with a yoyo. "We've been waiting for you," the blue-clad one said. "Because I don't know about you, but I'm kind of getting sick of the idiots holding our leashes. At least the little girl has an excuse. But those two girls are experience Magi. They shouldn't be so brain dead."

Saber stared. She pointed. "Are you compensating for something, carrying around that spear like that?"

Lancer twitched as Archer held out a hand. "Told you she'd ignore the yoyo," Archer said. "Pay up."

"You sure you're an Archer and not a Gambler? Or a Snark Knight?" Lancer complained as he shoved some money towards Archer.

"He's an Archer," a voice suddenly growled from an upstairs window. They all looked up.

Kuro dropped the several feet to the ground as easily as any of them could, landing perfectly despite the fall being something that should have broken her leg. "He's wearing the right clothes for it, if _nothing else_."

"Kuro?" Saber said, surprised.

Kuro rolled her eyes. "Oh, don't you be picking up my brothers habit of stating the obvious. We get enough of that from him. So, where're we heading first? Shiro's classmate, or this mysterious character in Ryuudo Temple?"

"You are _not_ coming along," Lancer said, and Saber nodded in agreement.

"Do _not_ make me go Unlimited Blade Works on your ass," Kuro said, pointing at Lancer. "Besides–" she shifted to a soft falsetto. "–_Everyone, wake up! The Servants are doing things they're not supposed to!_" She glared in challenge.

"Let her come," Archer said. "Maybe we'll get lucky and she'll die somehow."

Saber was torn between haranguing Archer and nodding in agreement. She settled for dignified silence.

"Watch it, copy cat!" Kuro said. "There's room in Unlimited Blade Works for both of you."

A shift in the air. They looked up.

Berserker stood on the roof of the house like some kind of gargoyle, unnaturally still. He moved, seeming to _flow_ to the ground, landing soundlessly.

"Let me guess," Lancer said. "You wanna come along too?"

Silence.

Lancer threw up his hands. "Shit, why don't we pack a picnic lunch while we're at it!"

Saber held up a picnic basket. "No need, I already have one."

Lancer facepalmed.

...

It would have taken a while for them to reach the temple, since Saber was limited to normal physical movement, but Berserker solved that problem by picking her and Kuro up and just running with them in his grip, the other two going spirit and basically hanging on for all they were worth.

The found out about the Anti-Servant magical barrier around the mountain pretty damned quick. Berserker seemed to take it as a personal insult, thrashing at it in anger, the first time they'd ever seen him act his Class.

There was only one apparent break in the barrier. It was a straight line that coincidentally happened to have the stairs leading up into it, the free area extending some ways to either side. Not much though. It was obviously a funnel and a trap.

"Trap?" Kuro said.

"Trap," Lancer agreed.

"Go up anyway?" Kuro said.

"Go up anyway," Saber agreed.

"We're all morons for taking this painfully obvious set up?" Kuro continued.

"You're all morons for taking this painfully obvious set up," Archer agreed.

They glared at him.

"What? You set yourself up for that one."

They climbed.

"The air feels off," Saber said quietly as they climbed. "Not _wrong_, exactly, just off."

"Agreed," Archer murmured. "This isn't what I expected."

"Yeah, there's no giant ball of doom coming down to crush us all," Kuro said.

They all tensed at those words, even Berserker.

Nothing.

"Okay, that's just _weird_," Kuro said. "The world's not taking our good ideas and using them against us? We must be majorly screwed somehow."

"That's the spirit," Lancer said.

They climbed some more.

"So…" Kuro said. "Whose Master do you think is the biggest idiot?"

"Stop trying to keep up a conversation, will you?" Archer said.

They climbed on in further silence.

...

When they are about to reach the top, the temple gates already visible above them, _they_ appeared at the top step

They stop. There are muted sounds as weapons are readied. Saber grips her invisible sword, while Lancer takes a stance, cursing the elevation. Kuro and Archer, already in similar clothes, take nearly identical stances, arms to either side, hands open, as if waiting for weapons to place themselves there. Berserker hunches, suddenly seeming to disappear.

They have the moon at their backs, the two, their outlines clearly of armored men, one with a cape, though details can't be made out. Solidity, confidence, and a strange cold emanate from them like a light breeze. Then the moon shifted, and they came clearly into view.

One was a young man, tall and quite good looking, in Roman-style armor. Only Archer was able to identify the exact kind. A Lorica-style armor, though stylistically different. A gladius hung at his belt, and a longer, thinner sword hung opposite it.

The other was an older man, face scared a bit, ruggedly handsome in a villainous kind of way. He wore… well, to put it quite frankly, he wore Gamework's idea of a Jedi Knight outfit, with thick armor, heavy shoulders, cape and all. He held a wooden staff in one hand, and an anachronistic-seeming revolver hung from his belt.

The sense of them seemed strange, washed out. There was no sense of a Hero's Noble Phantasm about them. Yet they were clearly Servants. Who else would look so out of place?

"I think this is why the world ignored our bright idea," Kuro murmured. "Looks like Shinji was wrong. Or at least didn't know there'd be more."

The one in the cape took a step forward, and raised a hand, not in any magical warding gesture, but more of a 'stop the car in the name of the law' gesture. "HALT! _I am a Servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the Flame of Uriel. The Dark Fire will not avail you, Flame of Udun! Go back to the Shadow! _**YOU! SHALL NOT! PASS!**"

Everyone blinked, including the man's companion. "What?" Kuro said, not sure she'd heard it right

Archer was also staring. "Please tell me you did _not_ just make a completely out of place Lord of the Rings reference!"

Kuro looked at him. "Lord of the Rings?"

"Only _partial_ amnesia, remember? Though I'm starting to wish it was full."

"Hey!" the caped man said. "Don't diss Tolkien, or I'm going Sauron on your ass!"

"You'll crumple to nothing when we cut off your finger?" Archer shot back. "In case you can't count, we outnumber you."

"True, Anakin, but we have the high ground, which gives us a +4 circumstance bonus!"

His companion looked at him. "'+4 circumstance bonus?'"

"I'll explain later."

Saber growled. "Enough of this buffoonery! I ask of you. Which Servants are you?" She wasn't really expecting an answer, but her chivalry compelled her to ask

The 'buffoon' smiled. "– – – Servant Assassin, Harry Dresden, Winter Knight of the Unseelie Court of the Sidhe."

Lancer and Kuro's eyes went wide, but for different reasons. He tightened his grip on his spear, suddenly sweating and wishing he had cold iron.

_She_ cried "TRACE, ON!" and ended up holding a sword in either hand, both gleaming and lethally powerful, warping the air slightly, obviously ridiculously overpowered Noble Phantasms. She stared at the man like a being out of nightmare. Archer, too, recognized them, Caladbolg and Caliburn.

"You're not real…" she said. "You're not REAL! You fell off a boat and died! You're a bad TV series! _OH __**CRAP!**_"

Assassin raised an eyebrow. "Hey, kid, there's no need to get personal."

Saber, not understanding what was going on or why Kuro seemed so afraid, turned to the other. "And you…?"

He tilted his head, revealing teeth in a strangely dog-like manner. "Servant Caster Minoris, Gaius Octavius Tavarus Magnus, Tavi Vord-Slayer, First Lord of Alera."

Kuro went still. "Oh, double crap," she said, voice small.

She looked at the swords in her hands, looked up at them, and threw both blades. Even as the blades left her grip, Bakuya and Kanshou appeared, and she threw those too.

Assassin darted back, one hand rising with a cry of "_Reflectum!" _a glowing half sphere appearing before him, bouncing off the magnetic blades. The other, Caster Minoris, made a gesture, and wind suddenly erupted, catching the two glowing swords and sending them tumbling out of control. They slammed into the ground– and exploded violently, throwing them both back to hit hard against the wall, but also sending the other Servants tumbling down the stairs, only to be stopped by Berserker's bulk.

"Kuro!" Saber asked, surprised, both from the power exhibited by the girl, who they'd all thought was just a normal Magus, if foul-mouthed and minded, and the violence of her attack.

"Take them out!" the girl cried shrilly. "Take them out! Do it, before they kill us all! They'll find a way to make this mountain explode from under us, I just know it! DAMN YOU, JIM BUTCHER! TAKE THEM DOWN, TAKE THEM OUT, DO IT NOW! NOTHING IS OVERKILL AGAINST THOSE TWO! TRUST ME ON THIS!"

The fear in her voice, pure, honest, and utterly convinced, pushed them. The Servants charged.

Assassin caught a surprised Lancer in the chest with a cry of "_FORZARE!_" and a blast of invisible force, while Archer charged Caster Minoris, Saber right behind him.

"_ALERA!_" Caster cried, and his blades suddenly became wreathed in red and purple fire, whirling in his hands, obvious mastery of the blade in every gesture. "_For Alera!_"

Archer paused, and was nearly stabbed in the leg for his trouble, before he managed to parry, his own twin blades beginning a dance with his opponent. "Huh, so that's what my enemies feel like when they see me…"

Berserker, meanwhile, had descended on Assassin, the air around him rumbling with his anger. The chains around his arms lashed out, but were deflected by the Assassin's strange shield, eliciting a single growled, gravelly word of disgust from Berserker. "_**Magic…**_"

Assassin grinned. "Yeah, big guy, _**magic**_. Wanna make something of it?"

Berserker's hand lashed out, something dark flying from his grip. It struck the shield, and exploded in a burst of light. Assassin cried out as he was blinded. "No fair using flashbangs! I thought you were supposed to be Servants!"

"And I thought you're supposed to be an Assassin!" Lancer cried. "What's with the magic? And why does your Caster use swords!-?"

"Look, calm down, this is all a misun–" Assassin tried to say.

"_I call the bone in your sword…"_

Kuro's voice drifted through the night air, the words an intonation, a summoning of power.

"What?" Archer said, blinking, and being forced back by Caster if Saber hadn't intervened. Archer backed off, staring at here Kuro was chanting a few steps down the stairs.

"_Soft is my body, calling the fire in your blood," _she continued. _"I have created over a thousand lolicons! Unknown to thermodynamics, regardless of physics, I screw reality with my Freudian blades! Yet this flesh burns with unfulfilled desire! And thus I sublimate…"_

"You have got to be kidding me," Archer swore. "Son of a bitch, I thought she was joking!"

**"UNLIMITED BLADE WORKS!"**

Fire.

Fire burned from her, erupted outward, changing the world. Her Reality Marble grew.

A Reality Marble is said to be a personal expression of its creator's soul. Yet it was also a thing of magic, and magic is nothing if not full of so many loopholes one has to wonder how the thing sticks together. Not so long ago, Kuro had been born of the Archer Class Card and Illya's power. Her power was that contained in the Archer Card. And this particular Reality Marble was a part of the Card.

What did that say about her soul?

Kuro thought of none of this. Her fire spread, consumed, and only the stairs and the gate remained. The world had changed. Around them was an open, barren desert, swords piercing the ground like grave markers. It was twilight– or was it dawn?– and gigantic interlocked gears turned in the sky. Flower petals floated in the air, never falling, and beyond the gears the sky was torn by thousands of rifts, glowing in rainbow colors.

She focused her gaze on Assassin and Caster, holding her hand high as sword began to appear in the air. "The rest of you might want to leave. _Swords, FALL!_"

"I hate my life," Assassin said, even as he raised his hand. "_Noble Phantasm! __**SUE!**_"

The air shivered. A feeling of dark, unholy _wrongness_ filled the air as something began to gather before the two gate guardians even as the others Servants ran. Bones appeared, then muscles…

The swords fell.

They struck the accreting shape and exploded. The others shielded themselves as best as they could from the resultant blast.

"Did I get them?" Kuro asked, as the smoke began to clear.

"_**No…**_" Berserker said, dropping the cape he'd used to protect Saber.

Kuro stared. "Oh. I should have realized…"

The gigantic Zombie Tyrannosaurus Rex roared, the sound cutting through the pervasive polka music now echoing through the air.

Assassin tapped his staff. "Let's try this again. Hi! Welcome to Ryuudo Temple. We come in peace. Our Master would like to talk to your Master under terms of truce. Tell them, will you? Before I sic my polka-powered Zombie Tyrannosaurus Rex on you."

...

**- To be continued. Otherwise people might personally hunt me down to kill me…**

...

A/N: ah, (BLEEP)-ing. So much fun. And poor, poor Lancer…

DAMN **PATA HIKARI! **Their damned fic _**Endless Dream**_ made me want to depict Shinji in a _sympathetic light!_ It hurts! IT HURTS! I want my expendable buttmonkey asshole Shinji image back! Those who've read _**Endless Dream**_can understand.

Iris's gun is an AA-12 shotgun, a real gun.

Fictional Heroes, people. After all, the definition of 'Hero' in Nasu-verse magic is "One who is revered by mankind and is elevated by this belief". These two definitely count, if you take in the reverence in TVTropes alone. And since Caster can only make _fictional_ Heroes into Servants…

Well, she has good taste.

And really, when people talk about the series– or at least, when I do– the first thing that comes to mind is the Zombie T-Rex. Powerful Artifact associated with the legend, check!

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	6. Mindscrewing Monster

A/N: So many things I want to do with this series…

Any chance this being recommended on the FST fanfic recs page? TvTropes, fdattebayo!

...

FATE/Holy Grail War of 2814

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 6: Trauma-Inducing Naked Parents/Archer, Traitor? I Thought This Would Be Based On Fate, Not Unlimited Blade Works!/INFERNAL MACHINE!/Mindscrewing Monster/Starlight Breaker

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story. If I did… well, this would all be canon. WARNING: MAY CAUSE HEAD EXPLOSION!

...

"…!"

Shiro wakes with a burning pain in his chest, feeling like he'd just had an ominous dream. He's sweating, even though it's winter, and he's breathing hard. "…What… my chest, hurts," he said to himself, and paused. He sighed. "All right, obviously I need to stop repeating every little thing that's automatically self-evident. And I really need to put a lock on my mouth. I'm talking to myself."

His heart felt hot. No, it was more like it was having heat forcibly driven into his heart from outside.

Wait…

From outside?

Shiro leaps out of bed. He'd barely opened his bedroom door when there was a cry, and Illya stepped out of her room in her night clothes. "Oni-chan! Kuro's gone, and I can't feel Berserker anywhere!"

Shiro paused, then turned to Saber's room across from his, what used to be the guest room, and flung open the door.

It was empty.

"Saber's gone too," he said. "I think they're in trouble."

Their parent's bedroom is kicked open, and Iris stumbled out, completely naked but for a sleepmask and brandishing her AA-12 shotgun. "Say hello to my little friend!" she cried.

Illya screamed at the possibility of getting shot.

Shiro screamed at seeing his mother naked.

There was a click. Nothing happened.

"Oh dear. I keep forgetting about that safety."

"MOM!" Illya cried. "Put some clothes on! Shiro can see you!"

Actually, Shiro was trying to bang his brains out using a handy wall, but the point had been made.

Kiritsugu stepped out, thankfully with a blanket wrapped around him, which he proceeded to wrap around Iris, who was finally taking off her sleepmask. "Dear, what did I say about guns in the house?"

"Aw!"

"Mom, dad, Saber and Berserker are gone!" Illya cried.

Kiritsugu facepalmed. The blanket slipped. Illya screamed and joined Shiro in trying to bash her brains out.

"Oh, sorry," Kiritsugu said.

...

"Isn't the duct tape a bit much?" Assassin said as Archer supported the extremely drained Kuro.

"No," Saber said vehemently, thinking of Kuro's method of recharging her energy. "No, it is not. Not at all."

The two groups of Servants eyed each other warily. One tends to be wary when a zombie dinosaur of the carnivorous variety is looking down at you from the top of a flight of stairs.

"Purely as an intellectual exercise," Archer asked lightly. "What happens if we keep trying to force our way past you?"

"We seriously ruin your day, and our Master will get pissed at you," Assassin said. "Trust me, you don't want her to be pissed at you."

"Ah," Archer said, nodding sagely. "And what makes you think we wouldn't ruin _your_ day?"

"It's already ruined."

"Ah. Sound reasoning."

Caster Minoris' head suddenly shot up, looking off to the side, into the woods. "Someone with metal is watching us," he said. "A lot of metal. More than a single sword."

"Rider," Lancer said. "Everyone else is already here."

Archer shoved Kuro at the proto-Irishman. "I'll take care of it," he said, rushing into the woods. There soon came the sounds of metal on metal. There was a sudden indistinct cry. Then silence.

A few minutes later, Archer stepped back onto the stairs from considerably lower than before, holding an extremely long sword, a nodachi. "Lost her," he said, twirling the blade easily in his hands before making it disappear. "I think it was the Matou boy's Servant. Definitely a Rider-type."

Lancer twitched, glaring at everyone. "You know, you people really piss me off. We have an Archer and a Caster who use swords, an Assassin who uses magic, and a Berserker who doesn't really go berserk! Did everyone forget what class they were supposed to be?"

Saber raised an eyebrow.

"Your company excluded," Lancer amended.

Kuro pulled off the duct tape, wincing. She pointed at the zombie. "That's Necromancy! It's against the Laws!"

"Only technically," Assassin said. "Besides, I'm not in Kansas anymore, so it might not count."

"And why are you in that get-up instead of your El Dorado set-piece?" Kuro demanded.

Assassin stared. "Wow. No one's called it _that_ in years. How do you know so much about me, kid?"

"I've read abut your legend," Kuro said. "TvTropes, dattebayo."

"Shouldn't you all be telling your Masters about our Master's offer?" Caster said.

"We're considering it," Archer said. "To that end, we have a very important question that needs to be answered before we do."

"And that is…?" Caster Minoris asked warily

"Is your master an idiot, a moron or a tsundere? Because I made a bet with these people regarding this War's Master Candidacy requirements…"

...

Rider ran through the woods, leaves and twigs brushing but not actually tangling in her hair. One of her lesser known, non-statted abilities. Nature leaves her hair alone.

The same can't be said of swords.

Her fingers rose up to feel it. Three hairs, exactly. That red Servant, who was apparently an _Archer_, had taken off three hairs, exactly.

Her body moved in automatic as she retraced the path back to the– she shuddered– Matou house, replaying her recent encounter in her mind…

What,_ she thought,_ kind of Archer fights with a _sword?_

_This was only a passing cogitation as she used her weapons to deflect the large sword he wielded. Damn the weakling holding her on a leash. As if he wasn't objectionable enough, why must he handicap her so? This paltry semblance of her own potential was aggravating, compared to the power she'd felt those first few moments after she'd been summoned, when she was still connected to Sakura._

_Dear, sweet Sakura…_

_No, mustn't think about that… la la la la la…_

"_Slow… weak… obviously not too motivated," Archer said. "Having Perseus the redux holding your leash must be a bitch."_

_Rider stumbled, her eyes going wide behind her blindfold. Archer was smiling knowingly._

"_I've often wondered why _you_ were summoned when Sakura called to the Grail," he mused. "They had no focus to use in summoning, after all. Unless the dirty old man has your head hidden somewhere, which raises things to whole new levels of squick. But it seems obvious now, in retrospect. Both of you beautiful, lonely women, with rather overbearing older sisters who love you despite how they act and are willing to die for you, with purple hair and large… tracts of land, both with someone like Shinji doing horrible things to you…"_

_Rider hated what was in his eyes. Pity. _

"_You should have been the hero of that story," he said quietly. "Not the go-to girl anyone with pretensions of Greece uses as a villain."_

"_Shut UP!" she cried, not realizing how upset, to put it mildly, she'd become as she'd fought on automatic, listening with heart-twisting fascination. "Shut up!"_

"_Well, now's a good time to end this fight," he said. "This is the sword Yuunagi. It has always been wielded by a certain kind of hero: the kind who tends to have problems with naked women and can't seem to spit out that they love someone. Shinmei-ryu secret technique! Zanmaken Ni-no-Tachi! _In Celebration Sakurazaki Setsuna's First Kiss Her Konoka Oujo-Sama Strike!_"_

_She'd _felt_ the attack strike her, felt it pass through her. The shock of it had made her stop and look down, to see three long hairs on the ground._

"_Go back home, little goddess," the red-clad Servant had told her. "Your true Master will need your wings soon…"_

_She jerked in surprise. "You're letting me go?"_

_He waved a negligent hand. "Get a move on before the others think I need help and come snooping. Shoo!"_

_She turned, confused, but paused. "Why?"_

_He shrugged, and turned partly, still keeping her in sight, but obviously preparing to leave. "A Hero of Justice saves everyone. Especially lonely little girls…"_

Well, one thing was for sure: that Servant, and possibly the others as well, knew who she was. He knew too many details, things she hadn't revealed to anyone in this life. That meant that they were being watched somehow, perhaps magically despite the older Matou's claims that the house's defense were invincible. She had to go and warn them. It was her– her mouth twisted– _duty_.

_Your true Master will need your wings soon…_

She ran faster.

...

The Servants walked home slowly. Saber was leading a woozy Kuro, the men folk providing deterrence, though Berserker had disappeared for being 'too obvious'. Apparently her 'Unlimited Blade Works' attack took a lot out of her. She was barely keeping conscious and had already tried to get Saber to 'recharge her'. Archer had threatened more duct tape. This was mainly to keep Saber from threatening to remove her lips.

"Prana… _prana!_" Kuro moaned.

"Yes, yes," Archer said. "We're heading home already, so if you can just keep you moving, you'll soon be able to orally molest your sister."

"Illya… _Illya…_!" Kuro moaned.

Saber glared at him. "You shouldn't encourage her. It's not proper."

Archer shrugged. "I cannot be held responsible for the sexual deviances she already has."

They walked on in silence some more.

"Anyone else notice that big bad Berserker isn't with us anymore?" Lancer said.

The other two nodded.

"He's been disappearing from the house every night," Saber said. "Of course, you'd know since you watch the house from across the street."

"My Master is madly in love, but not a _total_ idiot just yet," Lancer confirmed. "She's naturally wary of someone with a name like 'Magus Killer'."

"So much trust in the air," Kuro commented weakly. "Such shining examples of cooperation."

Archer snorted. "Trust in god, but check things twice. Given the nature of the War, betrayal is always a possibility. You saw the video too, right?"

Lancer glanced sideways at Saber. "Did you _really_ joust with Rider on a motorcycle?"

Saber's mouth twitched in a small smile. "Yes."

"Cool."

From a side street, a Mercedes SL 300 "Gullwing" came roaring out, skidded on the road, spun a couple of times and smashed its rear against a wall. The sudden silence as the engine cooled was deafening.

The rear passenger doors burst open, and Shiro, Illya, Rin, Luvia and Miyu all fell out, all in various sleepwear and shades of green.

"SWEET GROUND!" Illya cried, kissing the asphalt. "I missed you so much!"

"I thought I was going to die!" Rin agreed, as she crawled as far from the car as possible.

"INFERNAL MACHINE!" Luvia swore.

"I'm going to get killed…" Shiro moaned. "I'm going to get killed, then I'm going to die…"

Miyu merely picked herself off and stood. Then she turned and kicked the car.

"Dear, what did I tell you about the brakes again?" Kiritsugu said as he came out of the death seat, looking only a little pale.

"That's the one to the left, right?" Iris said as she stepped out of the passenger seat.

Kuro stumbled forward, slipping out of Saber's grasp and kneeling to where Illya was still shaking on the ground. She helped Illya up, smiling beatifically. "Illya…"

Illya looked up. "Kuro! Where did you guys go? We were all so worried, and Rin and Luvia showed up, and we looked for you, and mom drove, and–"

Kuro leaned forward and clamped her mouth onto Illya's.

KISS! WITH TONGUE! PRACTICALLY MOUTH RAPE!

"KURO!" Illya cried, uppercutting her sister.

Kuro flew through the air, flipped and landed lightly on her feet. "All right! Kuro back at 100 percent max power!" she cried, giving a thumbs up despite the big bruise on her face. "Thanks, sis!"

Illya glared at her sister in apoplectic rage.

"Hey," Kuro chirped. "Guess what we found out!"

...

Kotomine Kirei yawned, and thought, not for the first time, that it was difficult being a _conscientious_ evil bastard. Other evil bastards could afford to be negligent, putting up appearances only when there were people around to sucker into their act. _He,_ unfortunately, wasn't made like that. Sure, he was an evil, murderous, mindscrewing monster who found purpose and pleasure only in the physical and mental suffering of others, most especially if _he_ was administering it, but unlike, say, clownsuit-wearing Americans who like to ask why you were so serious, he annoyingly had a fully-functional conscience.

_It_ meant that when there was no one around to make suffer and no way to set someone up for impending suffering, he _still_ kept up the nice-guy act, in a paper-thin, purely habitual attempt to be a functional human being. He did little nice things like fix a coworker's chair if it was uncomfortable or damaged, cleaned around the church, set out food for stray cats– he was a jerk against the human race, after all. No need to bring cats into it– and, in this case, remembered to get Gilgamesh the brand of coffee he liked even though he'd just gone to the local 7-11 because he felt like some pocky.

When there are no actual human beings involved in the equation, Kotomine Kirei can be a relatively nice guy.

He was _still_ a complete monster of an evil bastard who literally had a heart made from the physically congealed evils of all humanity beating in his chest, but hey, no one's perfect.

He was taking a shortcut to the church, completely unconcerned, when he heard it.

_Join us…_

_Come to our world…_

He frowned, shifting the small bag of groceries he carried. He'd run into these things before when he was young, and while he'd been able to deal with them and eventually found out what they were, their existence was a perpetual (in the 'will never end' sense, not the 'all the time' sense) annoyance for him, since there never left him alone. Then again, he supposed that was one of the downsides of having a heart made from the physically congealed evils of all humanity beating in his chest: other sorts of evil found you hot.

Sighing, he juggled his groceries again, reaching for his bible, where he kept his Black Keys. The throwing swords would be able to keep them down, and outright kill them, if he was lucky, and then he'd be able to get back to the church and either get Gilgamesh to take care of them– the Servant seemed to find their existence to be personally offensive– or else call his good friend– read: _sucker_– Sister Shakti down by Mahora way and have them send some people to camp around here to deal with it. No, wait, not them. He wouldn't want them messing with his little War game. He supposed he could call that Nazo character and have him send his little Gatekeeper girls…

All these passed through Kirei's thoughts in an absent kind of way as he pinned the Invaders to various walls and the ground by either impaling them of hitting their shadows. He made sure to keep his distance, recalling their fondness for tentacle-like squick attacks. That was a new one, he had to admit. When he was younger, they shot kinetic blasts from reconfiguring blasters shaped like briefcases. Was he really getting that old?

He was so busy considering this question as he walked, perhaps a trifle faster, back to the church, and wondering if this was what people meant by 'midlife crisis', he didn't notice the dark outline of a girl in loligoth dropping one him from above until a the croquet mallet struck hard against the back of his head.

It struck several more times in rabid succession, each strike with more force and brutality than strictly necessary, even after Kirei finally succumbed to unconsciousness.

"Vita," a cold, almost imperious voice commanded. "Stop."

The hammer blows did not abate.

There was the sound of a fleshy impact, followed by the sound of a body striking a wall hard. "BITCH!" came a child-like exclamation.

"The target is down," said the cold voice. "Use the Book."

There was grumbling, but eventually the young voice said, "Download."

Kotomine Kirei's body writhed, skull dripping blood as its Linker Core was taken from it.

"15 pages," the cold voice said. "Pitiful."

"Well, next time _you_ try finding them, then!" the young voice spat viciously, hate palpable in her voice.

There was another hard slap.

"Guard your tongue," came the cold voice. "Let's go. We've scouted enough."

The two left, leaving Kirei to bleed on the ground, eyes slowly fluttering at the unfamiliar pain in his chest. He'd fallen on his groceries, the coffee canister digging into his side.

Behind him, there was the sound of something approaching.

_Come to our world…_

_Something_ was shoved down Kirei's throat… and then, Kotomine Kirei was no more.

And Fuyuki City suddenly had _much_ bigger problems than just a Holy Grail War in progress.

...

Elsewhere, Gilgamesh, walking the town with the intention of alleviating his boredom, collapsed in sudden pain and surprise as his connection to his Master was suddenly and abruptly cut off. Unlike the _last_ time this had happened, when Tohsaka Tokiomi had died, this _hurt_.

"Kirei, what have you done…" he gasped, as pain crackled through him, snapping and darting like lightning. He hadn't been in this much pain since that bitch Caster had hit him with that beam of light ten years ago.

He stumbled through the city randomly, unsure of what he was doing, yet too proud to cry out or call for help. The dark clothes he favored when he pretended to be one of the sheep became wet with sweat. He felt _something_ under his skin crawling, and he stumbled blindly.

Trees. Dirt. Cold. Was he in a park? Where was he now? He tried to stand, but his limbs only jerked fitfully. Yes, definitely as bad as what that Caster had hit him with.

Darkness already covered his sight, and he began to feel the rest of his consciousness fading. What had she called that Noble Phantasm of hers again? His groggy, slipping mind struggled weakly, trying to recall, even as he slipped deeper into oblivion.

Ah, yes, now he remembered. Starlight Breaker…

The King of Heroes slipped into the darkness.

...

Sakura dreamed.

_Through hazy eyes, as if through water, she saw the woman. She was radiant, bathed in light, wings shining, looking every inch the queen she as called. She held two books in her hand, both near identical but for the golden cross-like object one had on its face. _

_It was this marked one she held open in her hand, speaking quickly in varied Latin and other languages Sakura counted really know, though she seemed to understand the sense. Numbers drifted through her mind, and she saw them as a rapidly dropping curtain that twisted into elegant shapes as the mind's eye of her dream drew back._

_Below the woman was a battlefield, a dark, mud-like substance spread wide. A city, partly ruined but mostly whole, was the stage, and a man in golden armor fought a woman with a shining blade of light._

_The woman in the sky was crying, staring bleakly at the book she held even as she spoke words nonstop, an intricate design being made of pure light beneath her. _

_The words ended. The power hung balanced, waiting to be pushed._

"_I'm sorry, Little Hayate, Knights," the flying woman said, even as below the fighting intensified. Already, small fires had begun, and there were cries of pain and fear and pleas for help. "But it has to be done…"_

_She looked up to where she knew power gathered, the source of the mud. Another design appeared beneath her a much simpler one than the immense, complicated sigil she had crafted. "_Das Gefängnis der Magie_," she intoned, and power pulsed outward, the world's colors changing around her. It grew quiet but for the sounds of battle._

Master…

_The voice, pained and tearful, but strong, was not Sakura's. It, too, was part of the dream._

Remember to come back…

Of course, _the voice of the woman in the sky said without words._

_The woman held out the book she held. "SEAL!"_

_The black substance, some of it one fire, rushed upwards, to the surprise of the two fighting, though they never ended their battle. It rushed into the book in a wave, even as tears fell freely down the flying woman's face._

_The wave ended. The book closed with a final snap. _

"_Book of the Night Sky," the woman said. Tears still dripped from her face. "Override Memory Core of the Book of Darkness. Then initiate Transport for both of you. You know where."_

_The books disappeared. _

_The woman turned to leave, heading for her own final destination, only for her instincts to scream at her to dodge. She did, and several Noble Phantasms flew past her. She scowled down below, at the golden fighter. "Don't you know when to quit?" she growled. She raised a hand, light gathering as another circle appeared. __"I summon the light of destruction down upon that idiot," she growled, obviously peeved, though the aria still fit. "Stars, gather, and become the light which pierces everything. Tear through everything in a blaze of light!"_

"_STARLIGHT BREAKER!"_

Sakura turned over, and continued to dream.

A few rooms over, Matou Shinji fell asleep with his face in a pile of old books of magic, his face finally smooth as he slept…

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: Six hundred billion explosive tags. Konan must have had the mother of all hand cramps making those… Quite sad Madara seemed to have pulled _yet another_ technique out of his ass. Still, at least it's technically not a new one. Uchiha reality warpers. Given how nuts the family seems to be, it's a wonder they haven't Izanagi'd themselves out of existence. And it looks like Naruto will be able to use Rinnegan. Oh joy. More game breaking. Remember the good old says when Amaterasu and Tsukiyomi where the most messed up techniques a person could have?

And the Wolkenritter have begun collection in Fuyuki. Using a damaged Book. And their first target was tainted by pure evil. Who has a dependant. This can't end well.

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	7. Sexy Battle Onee–chan Rider!

A/N: Fate/Stay Night _seems_ to happen on a February, if the numbers that show up at the end of each day is any indicator, but since that really doesn't have much to do with the story…

The Nasuverse at large will only be called upon on a highly selective basis, mainly because it's magic system is giving me a headache.

Warning: Caster Crack!

Written Pre-_**Ghost Story**_, Dresden-verse wise.

...

FATE/Holy Grail War of 2814

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 7: Princess Bride? Really?/ CREEPY PERVERT PRIEST!/"What is a tentacle monster?"/"Edward is _hawt!_"/Miyu Brings Home A Stranger/Shinji's Idea of Phone Sex/Benefits of Teamwork/The Return of Kirei!/Sexy Battle Onee-chan Rider!/You _IDIOT!_/Phallic imagery/GARcher/Most Ominous/Giant Robot/UNLIMITED BLADE WORKS! Archer Is Annoyed

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story. If I did… well, this would all be canon. WARNING: MAY CAUSE HEAD EXPLOSION!

...

_The following day…_

"Should we really be doing this?" Illya sighed as they climbed the obscenely long flight of stairs leading up to Ryuudo Temple. "Isn't this the scene where we walk in like suckers, and then a cage falls down on us, and in the next scene we're suspended over a tank full of shrieking eels while the big villain laughs at us for being fools?"

"Princess Bride? _Really_?" Luvia said, gritting her teeth as she climbed.

"Trace, on!" Kuro cried as she skipped along, full of energy, having drained Miyu earlier that morning. Between one step and the next, she was wearing black. "I am the Dread Pirate Roberts! No woman can resist my charms! "

Miyu took a skipping step and punched Kuro in the face.

There was a small round of applause from Rin, Luvia and Illya. Saber valiantly kept herself from joining in.

_Whoa! _Lancer said, hovering around in spirit form. _One punch!_

"Eh? Into BDSM, are you Miyu-chan?" Kuro leered as her clothes went back to normal.

Miyu gave her a flat, if deeply blushing look and latched onto Illya's side, clutching her arm.

_And once more, nothing stops the girl,_ Archer commented. _She will make for a very disturbing serial rapist when she grows up._

"I wish mom and dad could have come with us," Shiro said as the climbed some more. "I'd have liked to have their advice."

"They said they were getting our fallback position ready," Illya said. "Though why would we need a fallback position? I mean, it's not like we're actually fighting. The four of us don't want to kill each other, except for Rin and Luvia, and they both want to do that anyway, Shinji's a spineless wuss, and this Master, or maybe Masters since they had two Servants, says they want to parlay. It's kinda hard to have a War when no one really wants to fight."

Rin snorted. "Do you really want to bet that Kirei–"

"CREEPY PERVERT PRIEST!" Illya cried in horror

"– will let things go at that? You can tell he has that whole 'guy that you just knew the first time you met him, to be the one pulling all the strings' vibe to him," Rin finished.

"Then we sic his tentacle monster at him!" Kuro declared.

Everyone blinked.

"Tentacle monster?" Saber said, as if sampling the words, not sure what they meant.

"Sure! If he's really a creepy pervert priest, then he MUST have a tentacle monster!" Kuro declared. "It's practically contractual!"

_How the hell did this girl get so dirty? _Archer mused.

_What's a tentacle monster?_ Lancer asked, unsure what the phrase meant.

"What," Saber asked, frowning, "Is a tentacle monster?"

Kuro smiled widely. And before anyone could stop her, she explained it to Saber.

In.

Great.

And.

_Excruciating_.

Detail.

With.

_Illustrations._

Saber twitched, wide-eyed, drool dripping from one side of her mouth. "What kind of devil-spawn child _are_ you?" she declared, wiping the liquid away.

Shiro's nose gushed blood as he went cross-eyed.

Illya's nose gushed as _she_ went cross-eyed.

Miyu's nose gushed as she thought what Illya would look like meeting one.

Rin and Luvia turned interesting shades of red.

"…_!_" went Lancer.

Archer screamed Lady Gaga songs as loudly as he could, spiritual hands over spiritual ears.

They'd reached the top of the stairs at some point of Kuro's recital. Assassin was twitching, the lower half of his body encased in ice. Caster Minoris was muttering about 'Vord', 'Bloodspeakers', 'sharks', and 'intestines getting pulled out through the mouth' with his fingers in his ears.

Between them stood a beautiful woman in mundane clothes with long blue hair, a braid behind one of her pointed ears. Her mouth hung open, and drool was starting to mix in with the blood dripping from her nose.

Finally, Luvia spoke. "Should we all decide to begin prosecuting this War in the classical homicidal fashion," she declared. "I put forth the motion we all agree to target Kuro first, who is obviously some twisted, evil Servant of an unspeakably evil Master of Darkness."

"Agreed," they all chorused.

"HEY!" Kuro cried.

Saber stepped forward, staring at the woman, noting the unusual ears. "I take it you are one of the Masters who has taken up residence here?" she said. "Was the invitation for negotiation from you?"

"Yes," the woman said. "And then again, not quite. I take it you are the Masters of the Servants who came here last night?"

"And one of the Servants," Assassin said, pointing at Saber.

The woman frowned. "You felt the need to publicly bring one of your Servants?"

"I will not leave my Master's side," Saber said staunchly.

Kuro was less kind. "She's clingy," she said in an aside. "We think it might be because she hasn't gotten laid in a long time."

"Kuro!" Luvia cried, swatting at the girl with a harisen. "Don't say such lewd things to respectable women!"

"Isn't that child abuse?" Assassin said, pointing.

"She doesn't count," Rin said.

The blue-haired Master ''hmm…'-ed in consideration. "I see. If you like, I could teach you some positions that might be helpful with that. Having more than one partner helps as well. I could give you a number you could call…"

"_Please_ stop talking in front of my sisters!" Shiro pleaded as he futilely tried to block Illya, Miyu's and his own ears, all at the same time. From the bug-eyed looks on the two girl's faces, it wasn't working. Saber's ahoge was twitching like crazy as all the blood seemed to rush into the blonde's face.

A slow, evil smile began to spread along Kuro's face. "I think this alliance is going to go _just_ fine…"

...

Iris suddenly looked up from where she was working.

"Dear?" Kiritsugu said, looking up from the gun he was putting together. "Is something wrong?"

"Suddenly…" Iris said slowly. "I feel like a kindred spirit has just awakened… honey, would you like a blowjob?"

"_Now?-!_"

...

"A Servant?" everyone exclaimed.

They sat or stood in the room the woman, Caster, had bought them to, where she'd been allowed to live in the Ryuudo temple. She sat primly, poised, a cup of tee next to her. There was one next to everyone else as well. They didn't drink. What were they, _really_ stupid?

The woman nodded. "Yes. My Master, a most objectionable man named Happosai, who treated me with cruelty and abuse, and tried to force me to do unspeakably evil things–"

"_Go on, paint this glitter on me and call me Edward!"_

"_DIE, FOUL INHUMAN MONSTROSITY!"_

Everyone shuddered.

"– so as you can see, I had no choice but to kill him," Caster finished telling her story.

"That's horrible!" Rin said.

"You poor thing!" Luvia cried.

"You've been through so much!" Illya wailed.

"I am sad for you," Miyu said.

"Truly, your soul is noble and pure," Saber said.

"You did the right thing," Shiro agreed.

"Edward is _hawt_!" cried Kuro.

They all stared at her in horror.

She laughed. "KIDDING! But really, you should have seen the looks on your faces…!"

They all sighed relief.

"Then what happened?" Illya asked, leaning forward to listen to Caster.

"Then…" Caster sighed, putting a hand to her cheek. "_He _came… it was so romantic…"

"_Stable boy, become my new Master so that I won't just dissolve away!"_

"_As you wish…"_

"Squee!" Caster exclaimed, putting her hands to her cheek. There should have been hearts in the air. "Anyway, he brought me here and took care of me and tended me until I was all better. I fell in love with him and his kindness, and so decided to do all I could to see that we could be together. When I was well enough, to repay him, I…" she blushed demurely.

"You what? _You what?_" Illya pressed eagerly.

"I invited him to my bed and had wild, hot sex with him!" Caster declared.

"Ooh, details please!" Kuro requested, leaning forward.

"PLEASE NO!" Shiro cried, once more trying to block Illya, Miyu's and his own ears, all at the same time. It still wasn't working.

"Anyway, now we're preparing to get married!" Caster said.

Everyone but Kuro blinked. "Um, how long have you known him?" Rin asked hesitantly.

"Two weeks!" Caster said. "Best sex I've ever had!"

"Details please!" Kuro said.

"_PLEASE NO!_" Shiro cried.

The door to the room suddenly slid open. They all turned as a tall, imposing man entered.

"HONEY!" Caster cried, leaping to her feet and throwing herself at the man.

**KISS! EVEN DIRTIER THAN KURO'S! SERIOUSLY, IT WAS ALREADY XXX, AND THEY STILL HAD THEIR CLOTHES ON!**

Shiro, Rin and Luvia froze, staring and twitching. The blood drained from their faces.

Kuro frantically took notes, looking at Miyu, Illya and Shiro with an evil gleam in her eyes.

Eventually the kiss broke, and Caster laid her head on the man's chest, looking absolutely content.

Kuzuki Soichirou looked beyond Caster, eyes narrowing at the three high school students. _His_ homeroom students. "Ah, Tohsaka. Edelfelt. Emiya. You were absent from school again today. This will not go well for you."

Rin twitched. "Someone hates us."

Somewhere, Shadow Crystal Mage sneezed.

...

It took a while for Kuzuki to leave. He kept glaring at the three who'd cut class, though he was otherwise very civil. Finally though, they got back on track.

"Okay, so you're actually the Servant Caster, you killed your master for being evil, and you're about to get married," Kuro said, ticking off each point on her fingers. She thrust her thumb over her shoulder. "How does that explain the Jim Butcher twins out there? You're a Servant, not a Master! You shouldn't be able to summon one at all! And how did you summon those two? They're not even real!"

Caster sniffed. "Oh, please. I come from an age when the magic of humans was equal to that of the gods themselves! I needed protection, so it was a relatively simple matter to use the system of this 'Holy Grail' to call my own Servant. The process wasn't as perfect as I could wish, but I was strained for time, since Soichirou would be coming home in an hour and I needed to be ready to make his dinner, so I put together a summoning. He's not _really_ Harry Dresden. He's just the spirit of a Magus who can use fire magic, with a compatible sense of humor and beliefs, filled with false memories. The same is true of Caster Minoris."

"How'd that happen again?" Rin demanded. "Doesn't that mean there are technically _two_ Casters?"

Caster gave her a _look_. "Witch from the Age of Gods, remember? I used a part of my existence as a basis for Caster Minoris. Technically, it was Assassin who called him. Two of my Master's command Seals are on me, one is on Assassin to bind Minoris."

"Why are you telling us this?" Saber interjected. "You are revealing valuable tactical data!"

Caster folded her hands, head bowed, looking serious. "I do not wish to be a part of this war. I only wish to be with Soichirou. So…I want to ask for terms for peace. I will not move against you, and you will not move against me. That is all I want."

There was silence. Then…

"Told you so. Pay up," Shiro said, holding out his hand.

Everyone groaned, but handed him their money.

And so ends another day in the Holy Grail Not-So-War.

...

In the darkness, the creature stalked.

_Emiya…_

_Join me…_

_Come to my world…_

_Let me repay you…_

_Let me show you TRUE evil!_

Do not fuck with 'Angra Mainyu'. No mere human made evil can compare to human evil itself.

For the first time in his existence, the being that was once Kotomine Kirei was content. It had become what it was meant to be…

...

It sucked, being a maid.

Upon coming back home with their victory, such as it was, everyone had been in the mood for an impromptu party. They'd been lacking a few things, so Luvia had sent Miyu to the grocery. Illya had volunteered to accompany her, but had gotten distracted when Kuro had asked Shiro to try out some things she'd made notes on. Violence had ensued. She'd had to leave by herself.

On the upside, Saber said the two trying to kill each other was good combat practice.

She was on her way back home, carrying the bag of groceries, as smooth faced as ever, when Magical Sapphire suddenly cried, "STOP!"

She stopped, frowning down at the Zelretch creation. "What is it, Sapphire?"

"There was an unconscious man in the alley we just passed!"

Miyu stared blankly. "So?"

"You're a Magical Girl, Miyu!" Sapphire cried. "You're supposed to help people! Aren't you in a club and everything?"

Miyu tilted her head, and turned back.

A blonde lay unconscious on the ground, limbs twitching slightly, one hand spasmodically clutching his heart.

Miyu stared.

She tried to pick him up. He was too heavy.

She stared some more.

"Compact full open. Expanding connection to alternate realities," Miyu said. "Kaleido Sapphire Liner Miyu, transformed. Sapphire, redirect power to boost physical strength and enable flight."

"Done, Miyu-chan!"

Miyu picked up the man and flew home.

She landed in the backyard of Luvia's mansion and let herself in. August, the butler, was in the kitchen, having his own dinner. Miyu didn't want to disturb him, since this wasn't a kitchen matter. She took the man to her room and laid him down comfortably on her bed after securing her Illya Dakimura in her closet.

She waited.

The man did not wake up.

"Sapphire, can you tell what's wrong?"

The staff did the equivalent of shaking its head. "No, sorry. Hey! Why don't you try the Caster Card! Maybe that'll let you use healing magic! After all, healing spells are a stock ability in the Magical Girl genre, after all."

Miyu considered this, deemed the logic sound, and pulled out the Caster Card, reflecting she'd never used it before. "Caster Card, Install."

There was a burst of light, and a costume shift. Miyu now stood in a very loli-stripperific version of what the Caster Card entity had worm, the long skirt slitted and open, revealing her legs, the cape long, and the headpieace and viel looking more like a hat, emphasizing her face instead of concealing it. Her belly button showed, and she wore a barely bandage-wide strip of cloth over her nipples. All the cloth seemed to have been gathered over her arms. Knowledge and power of the Caster Class filled her.

She blinked, staring down at the unconscious blonde. "This isn't a man…"

She was late getting back to the party…

...

_The following day…_

_Ring!_

"Hello, this is Emiya."

"Hey, Emiya. It seems you're absent again today. Are you sick or something?"

It's Shinji's voice, mixed with hidden laughter.

Wait, what the heck does that even mean?

"Shinji? Do you want something? I don't think there's anything to talk about. I'm sort of busy training."

This was a polite way of saying Saber, Archer, and Lancer were taking turns hitting him with wooden poles of varying lengths. They said it was 'training'. Archer was smiling too widely for that to be true.

"Don't be angry. I just called to tell you something."

"…Tell me something…?"

"Yeah. There's something I needed to tell you, but you never came to school. I don't want to wait any longer and I can't stand it, so I contacted you. …are you alone?"

…Shinji's tone is strange.

Shiro couldn't tell much from just his voice, but he sounded like he's really excited or pressured.

He could hear students in the background, so Shinji must still be at school.

It's past two. It must be break time right after the fifth period.

"Shinji, this isn't what they call phone sex, is it?"

"Hey! Be serious, Emiya! I need to tell you something important! I'll tell you something good, so come to school now!"

Shiro blinked.

Shinji was acting strange, and anyway, they were already talking. There was no need to go to school.

"No. I'm sorry, but I can't go to school. If you have some business with me, wait until next week. I'll go back to school after the weekend."

"…Huh? What are you being so selfish for? That's too late. I just told you I can't wait any longer…!" Shinji screamed at Shiro. He must be excited as Shiro could hear his heavy breathing even over the phone.

"Are you sure this isn't phone sex, Shinji?"

"…"

Shiro waited.

"…Huh. I guess you're thinking a bit. You're right, there's no way you'd come by yourself now. This call sounds too strange no matter how you take it. I guess even you found it strange." Attitude completely changing, Shinji laughs.

"Just spit it out, Shinji, I really can't do with more weird. I get enough of that from my little sister," Shiro said.

This seemed to have an effect on Shinji.

"Just go to the school, Emiya," Shinji growled. "If you run, you'll be here by sixth period. It's important. Its…" he seemed to struggle. "It's about Sakura!"

The line went dead.

Shiro stared at the phone.

"Well?" Kuro's sudden voice said from behind him, making him jump.

"Kuro? How long have you been there?" Shiro asked.

"Since the first time you mentioned phone sex," Kuro said. "You _did_ get that number from Caster-san after all!"

Shiro reminded himself he shouldn't hit his sister.

That's what the other sister was for.

"I just need to run to school," Shiro said, grabbing his jacket and hurrying for the door.

Every other female body in the house blocked him. Rin held up the phone extension. "You _can't_ be _that_ stupid," she said. "It's obviously a trap."

"It's _Shinji_!" Shiro protested. "He doesn't want to fight. Besides, what harm could he do? It's not like he can bring his Servant to school."

Saber gave him a flat look. "Shiro," she said, "The only reason I don't follow you around school is because I cannot dematerialize. Shinji's Servant likely does not _have_ that problem. And as Lancer regularly points out, this is supposed to be a _War_. Shinji is obviously setting you up to kill you."

"_And_," Luvia pointed out, "there is still the matter of the spell around the school. I'm more inclined to believe Caster's claim she hasn't left Ryuudo temple in days than Matou's story of not having anything to do with it."

"The guy's an asshole, Shiro-niisan!" Illya exclaimed.

They all glared at him.

Archer appeared at his side. "Word of advice?" he mock whispered. "Just give up. They're going to get their way no matter what, might as well not exhaust yourself."

The women all nodded in agreement.

Shiro sighed in defeat.

...

Shinji, standing on the roof of the school, laughed evilly as he saw Shiro running in the distance. He stepped back from the edge so as not to profile himself, kneeling down next to the sigil he'd wrought on the roof with Zouken Magic Chalk ©, waiting to activate it.

"Soon, I will be victorious," he gloated to himself.

Rider, standing over his shoulder, thought it was a good idea she'd changed her mind about telling Shinji she'd been seen.

Shiro crossed the threshold of the spell, and Shinji turned, activating the barrier, which would lead to a slow build up of energy that would melt the bodies of everyone in the school who wasn't him and (he sighed) Sakura, thus powering up his Servant and giving him the edge he needed to win this war, as well as getting rid of one of the competition!

Laughing, he skipped downstairs, ready to meet Shiro…

...

In the Archery club dojo, Kaleido Ruby stabbed her magic-charged blade-form of her staff down into the invisible sigil, disrupting the working.

"Let's see how you like this, asshole," she muttered to herself.

Invisible behind her, Berserker twitched. He hated magic…

Rin, who'd come behind the school along with everyone else when Archer had spotted where Shinji was, destroyed the sigil on the north outer wall.

Luvia destroyed the one on the southern wall.

Archer, having ditched Rin, whistled innocently, Traced Rule Breaker, and materialized long enough to stab it into the sigil in the middle of the athletic field.

In her class, Sakura smiled to herself, wondering how Shinji would react to her destroying all his magical sigils and leaving behind convincing fakes. No one was dissolving _her_ classmates!

Laughter echoed in her head.

...

Shinji waited.

And waited.

And waited some more…

"Where is my bounded field?-!" he cried from where he was hiding in a stairwell.

At that moment, the fire alarm went off. Shinji stared in confusion. He hadn't activated the fire plan!

"Matou Shinji," a voice cried from a higher step. He whirled.

Rin smiled at him. It wasn't a nice smile. One arm was bare, showing the complicated pattern of the Tohsaka Family's Crest. "I've been waiting a long time to kill you, you bastard. DIE!"

A gem flew from her hand, glowing with magic. Shinji screamed like a girl.

The air rippled, and Rider appeared, pulling Shinji out of the way of the gem as it exploded. Shinji tumbled to the ground as Rider charged at Rin, her nail-like weapon streaking forward on its chain.

_Clang!_

Archer appeared as suddenly, a katana in hand, its presence darkly ominous. "Hello, sexy battle Onee-chan," he said easily. "Here for our rematch?"

Somewhere, Taiga sneezed.

Rin glared at her Servant. "Are you _flirting _with her?"

"A little," Archer said. "No need to be jealous Rin. She's spoken for. "

"Attack them!" Shinji cried. "Kill them!"

"You could," Archer said, and held up part of a fire-alarm's cover plate. "Or you could be making yourselves scarce."

Indeed, doors had been opening and footsteps thundering all this time.

Rin swore, and ran back up the stares, Rider and Archer disappearing at the last moment as Shinji finally bolted, losing himself in the crowd.

'_Sexy battle Onee-chan'? _Rider managed to get out when they'd gone spirit.

_A gentleman always speaks of a lady's graces, _Archer said.

She blushed, and ran away.

...

There was a scent in the air. It could feel it. A fragrance of power. The rose-blessed scent of darkness. The reek of nobility. It stalked, following the scent, moving straight towards Homurabara Gakuen…

...

The plan, when they'd hammered it out, had divided them right down the middle. Illya, Kuro and, surprisingly, Archer had thought it was brilliant. Rin, Luvia and Saber called it insane. Shiro and the other Servants had been too stunned at the idea to venture an opinion at the time.

The population of Homurabara stood in the athletic field, talking to each other and asking if this was a drill or if there really was a fire. Teachers were equally confused, and trying to maintain order. In the midst of it, Shinji tried to disappear.

Suddenly, from out of the sky a pink-clad figure descended, to the accompaniment of the score of 'Ride of the Valkyries'. The figure, a young girl with pale hair and wearing a pink domino mask, landed on top of the flagpole, and there was a suddenly flurry as lolicons the school over tried to take a camera photo of her panties. There was a sudden outcry as the cellphones refused to focus.

Sakura put her big book back into her bag and whistled innocently.

The figure pointed. "Students of Homurabara Gakuen, I am Magical Girl Kaleido Ruby, Defender of Fuyuki, and I need your help! Your school has been infiltrated by the forces of evil!"

There were gasps, but no one panicked. Japan was the only country in the world whose schools regularly had an 'infiltrated by the forces of evil' drill. It wasn't just a good idea, it was the law!

Kaleido Ruby continued. "Among you, there is one who has been possessed by the forces of evil, and has just recently tried to sacrifice the people of this school for the sake of collecting your energy."

There were gasps. More nerdy types pulled out their 'in case of infiltration by the forces of evil' checklist and began ticking of the points.

Shinji began to sweat, and started trying to sneak out.

"This person has been fully corrupted by the forces of evil, and is really no longer human!" Kaleido Ruby bellowed

More gasps.

"How could this be?"

"No, it can't be true, it just couldn't!"

"It's impossible, especially for a student of this school!"

"We don't believe you!"

"This is all a mistake!"

Kaleido Ruby pointed dramatically. "And this evil person is… MATOU SHINJI!"

Everyone turned.

"Oh, yeah, that explains it."

"Oh, they were talking about Captain Asshole?"

"Should have realized sooner."

"I knew there was a reason! No normal human could normally be that evil!"

"The vengeance of heaven is slow but sure! Have at thee, Matou Shinji!"

Shinji froze as he was called out, people moving away from him. He looked about in panic, fumbling for his Book of False Attendant.

"Get him!" the crowded roared.

Frantically, Shinji brandished the book. "Stay back! I'm warning you!"

"Oh shit, he's got a Death Note!"

"RUN!"

Students began to flee in panic as Illya bounded forward. Archer, Lancer, Saber, Kuro and Berserker were right behind her, all but the latter masked, charging right at Shinji.

"_**RIDER!**_" he cried.

On the roof of the school, part of a sigil was visible, glowing red.

Then there was a sonic boom that shook everything within three blocks, causing students to fall to the ground and the Servants and Magical Girls to stumble in their charge. _Something _streaked down from the sky, and there was a shockwave as it landed next to Shinji, somehow not affecting him despite everyone within thirty feet being thrown back by the force.

"Stop them!" a masked Rin cried.

"Too many people in the way!" Illya cried. "We'd hurt them!"

There was another earth-cracking thunderclap, and the streak was airborne again, sending out another shockwave that caused the Masters to lose their footing.

The sudden silence was deafening.

"Damn it!" Rin cried. "We almost had him!"

Lancer levered himself up, surveying all the people looking at him. "Clean up is going to be a bitch."

Saber leveled a glare at him. "That wasn't the plan. There's apparently a reason we did it this way. We don't have to… _do_ anything."

Lancer snorted. "What else can–"

Archer whirled in horror, staring at Lancer, and rushed towards him as was as Servant-ly possible.

"-possibly go wrong–!"

Archer's hand clamped over Lancer's mouth, but it was too late.

A deep, beast-like roar echoed through the air.

Simultaneously, every cell phone, speaker and earphone in the schoolyard went nuts.

Archer glared at Lancer. "You _IDIOT!_"

...

It screamed, an ancient hunting call of its kind. Of the Invaders. Its voice traveled, going beyond the medium of mere vibrations transferred through gaseous molecules, reaching into the realm of the electromagnetic. In those hidden, the cry was heard.

There are people of them everywhere. Objectionable people, whose lives seem to revolve around specializing in petty cruelties, making the world immediately around them just a little bit worse. We're inclined to ignore them, or suffer their pettiness for one reason or another, even as they drag us down with them. And they never seem to receive their comeuppance, that slight redressing of balances that happens to all people when the bad karma on their soul becomes too great.

There's a reason for this.

They're _not_ human. They are the Invaders. Their lives _do_ revolve around petty evil. And one day, when the call comes, they reveal themselves.

In the area around Homurabara, that day was now.

Those who heard the cry in the form of an electromagnetic signal, had their eyes lose focus. The jerkass teacher who seemed to take delight in making students fail and suffer. The sneering jock who bullied everyone, yet seemed untouchable. The gang who loitered near a particular intersection. Others. Many others, in various guises.

They heard the call… and _changed_.

Screams erupted from the students as dark, inhumanly precise forms appeared in their midst from where fellow students and teachers had been, all wearing sunglasses and for some strange reason carrying briefcasses. Those were the lucky ones. Other found themselves standing next to dark forms from nightmare, with limbs made of cable, and tongues to match. Surprise and terror made them hesitate, easy prey.

"_Yoh-katana Hinata! Shinmeiryu Zanmaken Ni-no-Tachi! In Celebration of Elegant Meido Swordswoman AngelGARd's First Kiss With Her Magus Albus Ojou-sama Strike!_"

The Ominous Blade cut through the air, its attack passing through the helpless without harm to tear apart the dark creatures behind them.

Heroic Spirits do not hesitate. Neither are they easy prey.

"What are these things?" Lancer cried in surprise, defending himself from a dark monstrosity that set off too many alarm bells with Kuro's description of tentacle monsters still so fresh on his mind.

"Evil," Archer growled. "Destroy them indiscriminately." He raised his voice to be heard over the confusion. "If it's not Servant, Master or human, KILL IT!"

"How do you _know_ this!" Rin demanded, throwing cheap quarts crystals around like candy as she used them to make small explosions, maiming, driving back or occasionally killing the things that attacked her. "You keep telling us you have amnesia!"

"_Partial_ amnesia!" Archer cried. "Emphasis on _partial! _Destroy them now, before–"

There was another roar, and a gigantic black worm that looked quite phallic reared against the sky, its form surrounded by demonic shapes that became absorbed into it, its body noticeably growing disproportionately larger for the mass it absorbed. It was easily a hundred feet high and about four hundred feet long. Abruptly, the Invaders they were fighting paused, beginning to lift up into the air and join the worm.

"– that," Archer finished numbly. He face palmed. "Idiot me."

...

Zouken looked up from Penthouse as he heard multiple sonic booms from clear across town, followed by the roar. "Well, that can't be good…" he mused, pulling up his pants.

There was a click in one of the rooms upstairs, where no one should definitely be. Frowning, he went to investigate. Maybe it would be a good day, and someone had broken into the house. He could use a new body…

...

"Hells bells," Assassin said, staring out over the city from where he stood on top of the gate he was bound to. "Stars and stones!"

"Great Furies," Caster Minoris agreed. "Great crow-begotten Furies!"

"There's a giant black penis sticking out of the city!" Assassin exclaimed.

Caster Minoris paused. "I'm pretty sure it's some kind of giant worm-like creature," he ventured.

Assassin thought about this. "Yeah, I suppose that make sense too."

They looked at each other.

"Either way, it's probably a bad thing," Assassin said.

Caster stepped up to the gate and stared. "Suddenly, I wish my fiancé was here…" she said, her tone strange.

The two Second-grade Servants looked at each other again.

"Then again, your interpretation may have some merit…" Caster Minoris conceded.

...

"It is official," Kuro said, staring up at the giant worm creature. "We have crossed the Gojira Threshold."

Archer winced, and eyed what he could see of the bay warily, but no other kaiju rose up to ruin their day. Thank goodness for small favors.

"Out of curiosity, who wants to run?" Lancer asked.

Everyone in the yard raised their hands.

"So this is exactly as bad as I think it is?" he continued.

They all nodded.

Lancer gave this thought.

Archer coughed. "This might be slightly irrelevant, but if we manage to kill this thing, there's a good chance of us becoming more famous, thus increasing our power."

Lancer gave this some more thought. "No chance we _could_ just run away?"

Saber gave him a level look.

The giant worm's skin suddenly erupted, all sort of vaguely gun-barrel-like postules sticking up and aimed at the school.

"SHIELDS UP, SHIELD UP!" Kuro cried.

Blasts of kinetic force rained down at a rate to make Persian bowmen proud.

"Practe Bigi Naru! _**Soei-Jutsu!**_"

Black threads suddenly erupted, streaking above the school at the speed of thought and weaving together to form an enormous pure-black shield, blocking the blasts as people screamed in surprise, then murmured in confusion at the sudden turn of events.

Everyone turned in surprise to look at the source of the threads.

A figure stood on top of the Archery Club dojo, wearing the standard girl's uniform of the school. She looked to be about 156 cm tall, with dimensions probably around B85/W56/H87. Her white hair blew dramatically in the wind, black wings erupting from her back, red eyes obscured by the black domino mask she wore, which rendered conclusively identifying her nearly impossible without a confession. A large brown book hovered over one hand, while her other hand was thrown outward, the black threads growing from her shadow wrapped around her forearm and extending forward to the shield. Even as they watched, the shadows began to cover her clothes, changing it into something like loli-goth wear in pure black.

"EH?" Illya cried, eyes bugging out. "A NEW MAGICAL GIRL HAS ARRIVED?-!"

"Hurry!" the girl cried. "I won't be able to hold up this shield much longer!"

Archer hefted his sword. "You heard the lady. Let's go!"

"We're really fighting? Are you nuts?" Lancer said, though from his tone and the way he was hefting his spear, he was just being contrary.

"We're _Heroic Spirits_," Archer said. "What part of '_heroic_'don't you understand?"

Rin frowned. "That's sorta not what that means…"

Lancer snorted. "Fine. Let's do this. Though I will state for the record this is insane."

"Noted," Saber said, stepping up next to them and readying her invisible sword.

Berserker growled, the sound echoing in the bones.

Archer had to smile. "Cheer up. We have someone who specializes in insane."

"Oh good. That makes me feel so much better," Lancer said sarcastically.

"_**It should…**_"

Lancer glared at him. "Shouldn't you be too insane to think straight, much les talk?"

The armored head tilted, and the play of light, shadows and reflections made it smile. "_**You misapprehend the meaning of 'insane'…**_"

The Masters all hung back, though the girls had to keep a death grip on Shiro to accomplish this. "We'll wait for an opportune moment!" Luvia called to them.

Kuro pointed dramatically as she and Illya joined their ranks. "Fated Knights of Fuyuki City, ready for action!"

"Oh, we're knights now?" Lancer said.

Archer coughed. "Actually, I am. Knighted five times over. Once in Ibayamia, once in Markovia, once in Kaznia, once in Great Britain, and once by King Artur."

Saber gave him a flat look. "You don't say. When was this?"

"Like I'd really tell you."

"So that's two of us…" Saber said, still looking at Archer warily. He valiantly resisted the urge to whistle.

Trespasser, he'd forgotten how hot she was when she was worked up!

Lancer sighed. "Three."

Saber looked at Berserker. "Any chance you are too?"

The head tilted again, the shadows smiling once more.

"Of course he is," Lancer sighed.

"Any time now!" the mysterious girl said.

Archer pointed dramatically with his sword, causing much droolage among the women and making several boys insecure about their sexuality. "Fate Knights, attack!"

They charged.

"Wait, who made _you_ leader?" Lancer cried.

...

Rider and Shinji landed in the back yard of the Matou house. As soon as Pegasus managed to set foot on the ground, Shinji fell off the creature's back, falling face-first on the ground.

Rider sighed, regretting the lack of manure.

Shinji pushed himself to his feet, growling as he rushed to the back door. He needed to leave, to hide, something! He'd been lucky they weren't followed, but that giant worm thing probably meant superheroes and more magical girls, and given how he'd been so publicly accused they'd hunt him down for sure! He needed to run!

He tore through the darkened confines of the house, dodging obstacles from memory as Rider followed more leisurely, feeling weak from her power expenditure. She checked the refrigerator. Sakura, bless her, had left several peeled orange wedges, humming with prana, with a cute little note reminding her to wash her hands before eating.

She did, carrying the bowl with her and popping oranges into her mouth as she sedately made her way up.

Shinji was rushing up the stairs, heading for his room, when he rounded the corner and screamed.

A pile of his grandfather's clothes lay in the middle of the hall, filled with twitching worms, many already dead and dying. The stench was horrible.

As Shinji began to comprehend what had happened, there was the sound of a footstep behind him, and he turned, only to be struck by the butt of sword, stunning him and sending him reeling to he ground.

The tall, pink-haired figure with large… tracts of land looked down on him with shining golden eyes, the black folds of her knight armor moved a bit stiffly, like leather, as she knelt down, the Book of Darkness in hand, tinged red from the glow of the shining crimson lines that traced patterns on the black metal plates of her armor.

"Download," Signum said, voice cold and empty, and Shinji contorted in agony as a Linker Core was ripped from him…

His Book of False Attendant caught fire and was a destroyed as the miniscule amounts of energy of the worms it was made of was drained as well…

Downstairs, Rider's head snapped up as her connection to the book was broken. Power filled her as she was properly linked to her _True_ Master once more. She grinned…

Shinji began to scream in agony.

Rider considered this an appropriate soundtrack.

Movement behind her. She spun, catching the mallet in her chain, diverting it sideways, then with the speed that was her highest stat and the strength that was her second highest she sent her small attacker flying into the back yard with a kick, slamming into and through the wall next to the still-open door.

Her attacker stood up quickly, her dead-black dress with crimson traceries unmarred as she glared at Rider with hateful golden eyes filled with rage. Her hat was askew, the depictions of skulls on it pulling it slightly off.

Rider grinned, drew in her now-raging power, and used the still-open wound she had to once more summon her mount…

The kitchen exploded as she streaked into the air, leaving the still screaming Shinji behind.

_Your true Master will need your wings soon…_

"Archer…" she murmured. "Who are you…?"

...

Sakura jerked as a sudden rush of power, unconnected to the shield spell she was holding, left her, flying out somewhere else. "Kaze-neechan…?"

_I… I think you just became reconnected to Rider…_

Shock ran through Sakura, destabilizing her concentration, and causing the shield to weaken. The unrelenting kinetic force attacks of the worm began to break through…

Fortunately, she was covered.

"Trace on!" Kuro cried, manifesting her black bow, as large as Archer's own and near-identical. A sword malformed into a spiral appeared in her other hand. "_Caladbolg II!_"

"Trace on," Archer cried, also taking a shooting stance next to her. "_Hrunting!_"

The two sword arrows flew from their bows, the latter quickly breaking the sound barrier, engulfed in red light, creating a line of light in the air in the split second it took to pierce through the shadow wall and explode violently on the worm, Caladbolg flying through the hole it had made and exploding as well a moment later.

Illya took to the air, getting around the shield and swinging Ruby. "Maximal Schneiden!" she cried, the pure mass of magical energy launching forward in a cutting attack. A line explode against the worm's body, making it's upper body jerk, but the wound quickly began to close over with darkness, even as the wounds the two swords had caused began to close.

This, however, had caused the worm to cease its bombardment, it's mouth opening into a nightmare of serrated teeth as it roared in pain. It undulated forwards, it's head snapping down to consume the still-fleeing students, who hadn't been able to leave the school yet.

From on top of the flagpole Illya had abandoned, Berserker thrust out one hand, mind focused on his goal. _Vengeance. Justice. Protect the innocent. Punish the guilty. _"_**Noble Phantasm,**_" he rasped. "_**Son of Fortune…**_"

The world _warped_ before him as the worm was suddenly intercepted by a giant black robot, demonic black wing spreading as it grappled the worm, while Berserker bounded into the robot's cockpit. The robot's eyes began to glow as, now full under Berserker's control, it began to mutate, its form shifting to grow the same strange curves and spikes from Berserker's armor as dark navy blue traceries began to appear on it.

Rin, Luvia, Shiro, Kuro, Illya, Saber, Lancer and Sakura's mouths dropped open. "_**EEEHHHHHHHHHHH?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-! WHAT THE HELL?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!"**_

Archer sighed in fond reminiscence. "_Other heroes often ask…_" he sang, "_why is _he_ always the top cat…!_ Damn his money."

The robot pushed the worm back, one arm drawing back to land a literally earthshaking punch into the beast, a punch augmented by the fist actually exploding from the knuckle bombs on it. The hand was ejected, the ruined appendage dissolving into nothing as it hit the ground, another one slotting into place.

The worm drew back, tensing its body, darting forward once more. The Berserker-mecha intercepted it again, but before it could attack, black blades erupt from the worm's upper body, spinning at cutting force. The blades tore into the mecha with shrieks of agonized metal, tearing off it's arms and seriously damaging it's torso. It's mouth opened wide, several mouth tipped tentacles erupting from it to begin savagely attacking the mecha. The mecha's back exploded as an escape pod was released, Berserker leaping out and spreading its cape to catch the air and _flow_ back safely to the ground. The mecha shuddered and faded away as the hand had, leaving nothing behind. There was the smell of bleach in the air.

"_Now_ what?" Lancer cried.

"Keep hammering at it!" Archer cried. "These things have red central control cores! If you destroy that, the whole thing dies!"

"Where would these cores be?" Saber asked.

"Anywhere."

"Well, that's not the least bit helpful," Lancer said.

The Worm's tentacles lashed down, only to meet a wall of black ribbons as Sakura tried to hold them back. Swords exploded as Archer and Kuro did their thing, taking down three of the heads as Illya's cutting attack took off two more. Saber managed to take down one head before the whole thing drew back in pain. The worm's blades drew back into its body, to be replaced by more blaster postules.

The air cracked in a sonic boom once more, knocking the worm back slightly with it's force as Rider flew by.

"Rider?" Lancer exclaimed, surprised. "What's she doing back?"

The streak of light that was Rider and her mount turned, abruptly hovering in the air. It was a pure white horse, with wide wings spread, a golden bridle binding it, held in Rider's hands.

"RIDER!" Sakura cried in fear.

Rider reached up, and took off her blindfold.

Stillness.

Above them, the worm began to turn to stone, it's lower body writhing wildly. The pertrification moved ever downwards.

"Is she on our side now?" Shiro asked, confused.

The worm stopped moving, completely turned to stone.

Everyone sighed. Rider put her blindfold back on.

The stone worm began to creak.

"OH, COME ON!" Kuro cried.

Archer growled. "It's not completely organic or living, so Cybele must not have as total an effect on it. We have to destroy it now, while it's still–"

"_I am the core of my sword…_"

Archer jerked, staring at Sakura, who still stood on the Archery Dojo. Her arms were spread to either side, the book hovering in front of her now, eyes slightly closed as she read from its pages.

"_Strong is my body, and magic is my blood,_" she continued, "_I wield over a thousand spells! Unknowing of despair, unyielding to surrender, I have withstood solitude in defiance of darkness! And yet these hands shall never cease learning…_"

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me…" Arhcer moaned, putting his face in his hands.

Kuro blinked. "Is that…?"

"Yes, it is," Archer said. "Now you know how _I_ feel."

"_And thus, I create,_" Sakura cried, "my **UNLIMITED BLADE WORKS!**"

Cherry blossoms exploded from her, spreading outward in an expanding circle. The sky, once partly cloudy, changed to an endless blue. The sun stood at the horizon, and the cool breezes of dawn blew. Trees surrounded them, from which weapons hung like fruits, ringing like wind chimes as the struck each other, pushed by the breeze. The few remaining students stared at the sight, frantically scanning everything with their cellphones.

Sakura held out her hand, facing the twitching stone worm, which looked like it was trying to topple over. "Trace, on! _Zankanken! Battleship Slicing Sword!_"

A monstrous sword appeared from the air, its grip thicker around then the girl's body, forcing her to hold it by a seemingly decorative curl. The blade was easily ten meters wide and fifty long, yet she spun it easily, leaping to an inhuman height in one leap, rising above the worm and a surprised Rider.

"Trace, on!" Sakura cried again, and another sword appeared in her hand, a nodachi. "_Shinmeiryu Zanmaken Ni-no-Tachi! In Celebration of Elegant Meido Swordswoman AngelGARd's First Kiss With Her Magus Albus Ojou-sama Strike!_"

There was a thunderous crash and a storm of wind as power howled, gigantic sword descending, utterly destroying the stone worm, which began to dissolve away.

Sakura plummeted to Earth as she let both swords dissolve, the wings on her back slowing her down at the last moment as she landed before the staring group of Masters, Servants and Magical Girls.

"WHO THE _HELL_ ARE YOU!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!" Kuro cried.

She smiled. "Just a passing through Magical Girl."

Archer gave her a flat look. "Jack Rakan would be proud."

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: having a little crack with Caster. It's fun! I couldn't really go with her evil bitch characterization, now could I?

...

**Omake: In The News**

...

The door to the room slammed open and Kotaro came rushing in, panting. "NEGI!" he cried, pointing frantically back the way he came. "You have _got_ to come see this!"

Asuna, Setsuna, Konoka, Negi and Chamo followed Kotaro, confused but rushing because of the urgency in his voice. He led them to the room he shared with Chizuru, Ayaka and his girlfriend. The former two were gone for club activities, but the room was packedwith Ala Alba, staring at a news report.

"For those of you just tuning in," the newscaster conveniently said, "Fuyuki City was rocked today by it's first monster attack in recent history. Though already known as containing the Magical Girls Kaleido Ruby and Kaleido Sapphire, as well as the mysterious 'Dark Ruby', its Homurabara Gakuen was today the scene of both an infiltration by the forces of evil _and_ a giant monster attack! Matou Shinji, who his close friends describe as 'an asshole' was implicated by Kaleido Ruby as being either possessed by forces of evil, or being an imposter. Shortly after he was unmasked, the school was attacked by a highly Freudian Phallic monster."

The scene switched to what was apparently a cell phone video, showing a large, tubular creature. For some reason, the girls in the room began darting glances at Negi, who was completely entranced at the news article.

The video then cut to another one. The scenery had changed somehow, and the worm had turned to stone– again more sidelong looks at Negi– and a girl was the focus of the shot, clad in black loligoth and masked, obviously a Magical Girl.

"Trace, on! _Zankanken! Battleship Slicing Sword!_"

Everybody blinked.

"Please tell me that's not Rakan's daughter or something," Chisame moaned.

"She certainly jumps like Rakan-san," Negi noted.

"Trace, on!" the girl cried again, and another sword appeared in her hand, a nodachi. "_Shinmeiryu Zanmaken Ni-no-Tachi! In Celebration of Elegant Meido Swordswoman AngelGARd's First Kiss With Her Magus Albus Ojou-sama Strike!_""

Setsuna paled in purest horror. Somehow, she also managed to blush so as so make stoplights seem dull.

"What was that?-!-?-!" everyone else exclaimed.

Fortunately, the channel decided to run the clip again.

"_Shinmeiryu Zanmaken Ni-no-Tachi! In Celebration of Elegant Meido Swordswoman AngelGARd's First Kiss With Her Magus Albus Ojou-sama Strike!_""

Setsuna began to pull her blazer over her head as everyone slowly turned to look at her.

"Please kill me now…" she whimpered.

"Aw, Set-chan!" Konok cried, enfolding her best friend in a hug. She kissed her cheek to try and make her feel better.

Setsuna twitched, eyes rolling back and on the verge of fainting.

Negi and Konoka's phones both rang. Asuna fished it out of Konoka's pocket since she was busy and she and Negi answered.

"It's the headmaster," Negi said, holding the phone out to Setsuna. "He says congratulations for finally getting the nerve to go for it and wants to talk to you."

"It's Eishun-san," Asuna said, also holding the phone out. "He says congratulations, though he wondered how both the name and the technique got around, but says he can teach you the full, proper version once he's satisfied you'll do right by Konoka."

Setsuna's eyes rolled back completely and she fainted into Konoka's arms. She didn't seem to mind.

Asuna put the phone back to her ear. "She just fainted, Ferret-Lantern-san. Thanks for calling!"

"Master, I'm not sure that was such a good idea," Negi said, over the sound of Evangeline laughing herself sick coming from his phone…

...

**END!**

...

It's a _really_ long chapter, so please review, okay? Please?

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	8. GATE OF BABYLON!

A/N: Young Justice rocks. I hate how the new TV series does not seem like it will include any Secret. Or Spoiler. Can't they just cal it Teen Titans again and get it over with? Secret was the REASON for Young Justice!

...

FATE/Holy Grail War of 2814

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 8: Jewel Red/Blue Blaz/Little Miss Big Bang/Ice-Cream Counts As 'Done By Women'/Unmotivated Masters/By Unanimous Disinterest/"That Can't Be Good"/"I kill people, I don't molest them"/GATE OF BABYLON!

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story. If I did… well, this would all be canon. WARNING: MAY CAUSE HEAD EXPLOSION!

...

"WHO THE _HELL_ ARE YOU!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!" Kuro cried.

The mysterious girl smiled. "Just a passing through Magical Girl."

Archer gave her a flat look. "Jack Rakan would be proud."

There was a gentle gust of wind as Rider landed her mount behind the girl, causing her to turn and nearly everyone else to tense. Lancer sighted, ready to put Gae Bolg into her heart even without using its abilities. Kuro and Saber got ready to put a sword through her.

Archer pointed. "Masked Rider Purple! You've managed to break free from Shinji's evil mind control and are yourself again! Thank you for helping us fight that giant creature!"

Everyone blinked and stared at him. He ignored them, leaning towards her. "That _is_ why you're back, right?"

She tilted her head at Archer in partial acknowledgement. Then she knelt, taking the hand of the mysterious girl, who looked surprised. "Master," she said fervently. "I swear myself to you as your Servant. I vow to do your bidding in this Holy Grail War."

Everyone blinked. "Wait, you're a Master?" Luvia said. "I thought Shinji was Rider's Master."

Rider made a rude sound to convey what she thought of that.

"No, I'm definitely not a Master!" the mysterious girl cried. She waved her hand dismissively, an inane smile on her face. "Master of what, really? I wouldn't know, I'm just a passing through Magical Girl!"

Archer grabbed her arm and pulled back the black glove covering it. A Command Seal glowed red under the shadow construct.

"How did that get there?" she said, laughing nervously.

Rin frowned, readying a gem. "Well, it looks like we'll have to–"

Archer reached over and pulled off the girl's mask, revealing Sakura's shocked face. She immediately gave an 'eep' and more shadows flowed over her face, making another, more concealing mask.

"S-sakura?-!" Shiro exclaimed.

Archer looked up at the sky. "You all might want to get an explanation and maybe a few names ready for when Green Lantern gets here…"

...

"So, these are new allies of yours, Ruby-chan?" Green Lantern said as she delegated repairing giant worm damage to Ferret Lantern. She looked at them, taking note of Luvia's elegant dress, Rin's red sweater and black skirt, and Shiro's slightly sweat-stained shirt and pants, which really didn't go with his rather Marti Gras-looking mask. She leaned towards Illya. "Rin-san and Luvia-san look all right, but that one with the orange hair could use some new clothes. If you'd like, I could recommend someone…"

"Uh, no thanks, Green Lantern-chan," Illya said.

Lancer stared blankly. Then he leaned towards Archer and Saber. "_This_ is what counts for a hero these days? A little girl in a weird dress?"

Saber was inclined to agree. Archer quickly jabbed an elbow into his gut. "Are you insane, man?" he hissed. "Do you want the Green Devil to hear you? Because there are less painful ways to be utterly humiliated than insulting Little Miss Big Bang."

They gave him a look. "You know her?" Saber asked quietly.

"I read newspapers," Archer said. His look challenged anyone to doubt his word.

The other two looked at each other and shrugged.

"So, would you introduce me to everyone, Ruby?" Green Lantern was saying, looking curiously at everyone.

Illya looked around in panic. Berserker had disappeared, as seemed to be his wont, be everyone else was too present to just disappear without being noticed. "Uh, sure! You remember Ri– er…" too late, Illya realized they'd never around gotten around to making up names for Rin and Luvia. After al, they'd never expected for things to get this public. She improvised. "Um, I mean, Jewel Red and Blue, er–"

"Blaz?" Archer suggested. Everyone gave him a look.

"Been going to the arcade, have we?" Rin said flatly.

Arher shrugged.

"Um, Blue Blaz!" Illya said, to which Luvia thought about it and shrugged. "Er, the girl in blue and armor is Saber, the one with a spear next to her is Lancer, and the other one is–"

"Mister Sarcastic," Archer said, absolutely deadpan.

Saber twitched. Her ahoge flipped around wildly. Then she turned and kicked Archer squarely in the ankle. With her steel-covered foot.

Archer gave a cry, hopping on one foot as he cradled the other. "Blast you woman, what in Regina Diabolica's Night Sky was that for?"

Sakura blinked at the name.

Saber turned a flat look at a confused Green Lantern. "He's Archer. Ignore any claims to the contrary."

"Um, okay," Green Lantern said nervously. She turned to Sakura and Rider. "And you are…?"

Rider tilted her head. "Actually, I kind of like the sound of Masked Ride Purple. A bit literal, but…" she shrugged.

"You're all new at this, huh?" Green Lantern said, looking over her shoulder at Ferret Lantern. "What about you, miss?" she asked Sakura.

"Oh, I'm no one, really," Sakura said, waving her hands frantically. "Just a passing through Magical Girl!"

"Well, that still means you have a name," Green Lantern pointed out.

Sakura pursed her lips, tilting her head. "I am the Vessel of the Blessed Wind. Call me… Reinforced."

"Nice to meet you, Reinforced-san."

Green Lantern finally turned to Shiro, who'd been staring between her and Illya in shock while they'd talked.

"You really _do_ know Green Lantern-ch– er, -san," Shiro said, surprise in his voice.

"EH?" Illya cried. "You didn't believe me, onii-chan? Me, your own precious little sister?"

"Oh, you're," Green Lantern looked in all directions, including up and down, then leaned forward and hissed, "Illya-chan's," before returning to a normal speaking register, "brother, still-nameless-san?"

"Uh, yes, Green Lantern-san," Shiro said, bowing. "My name is Emi–"

"His name is Tracer," Archer interjected. He glared at Shiro. "I'm choosing your name for you on the grounds your too much of a moron to pick your own. For crying out loud man, you're wearing a mask and were stil going to give her your real name! in public, no less! What are you, brain damaged?"

Shiro sighed. "Why are people always picking on me!-?" he cried.

"Aw," Kuro said. "Does onii-chan want me to make him feel better with a blo–"

With reflexes that were not hers, Sakura leapt to Kuro's side and placed a finger to her cheek. "Trace, on," she said.

A length of duct tape suddenly appeared over the Kuro's mouth.

The others stared… and everyone but Green Lantern broke into applause.

"I think…" Lancer said. "That we're going to like having you around, Reinforced."

Green Lantern blinked. "Did I miss something?"

Archer patted her on the shoulder. "Someone will explain it to you when you're older."

Green Lantern pouted. "Why do people keep telling me that!-?"

Then she sighed, and turned to Illya. "Well, I better get back. We're done here anyway. Tell me if you guys find any trace fothe Wolkenritter, all right?"

Saber frowned. "The Wolkenritter?"

Illya explained as Green Lantern prepared to fly away.

Rider frowned. "Is one of them a little girl who fights with a mallet?"

Green Lantern froze, her head turning so fast there was an almost audible snap.

"What did you say?" she said.

...

Shinji was unconscious when they found him and he'd quickly been transported to the _Asura_ for medical aid. There'd been absolutely no sign of Zouken. They'd found a pile of rotting meat with traces of his genetic signature, and nothing beyond that. No one thought that was a good sign. Especially since the pile of meat had been inside a pile of clothes, with a recently-touched magazine– the oil of the fingerprints on it were still relatively fresh– lying next to it.

"Were these people mages?" Green Lantern asked.

"I'd heard of Matou Zouken," Jewel Red said. "Yes, he definitely was. But not Shinji. I'd know."

"He wasn't," Reinforced said. "He had absolutely no Magic Circuits. He was quite depressed about it. He'd stay up all night trying to learn magic, but… nothing."

Green Lantern frowned. "Not according to the _Asura_. They say his Linker Core is damaged from not being treated right away, but nothing permanent. They're considering him a lucky find. According to the analysis of his core, he's rating very high on the S-Arks-scale, for someone whose magic is dormant. His rating is second to only one other one Earth in recent memory."

"Second to who?" Reinforced asked.

"Me," said Green Lantern.

...

The entity that was once Kotomine Kirei hid itself, recovering. It had barely escaped being turned to stone, managing to jump out of the giant worm at the last moment. That resistance had certainly been… unexpected. And the girl who'd blocked it, who wove shadows, had seemed disturbingly familiar somehow. It would need to think, to recover…

...

He opened his eyes. The pain was gone. The sheer lack of agony was like a drug.

He resisted the urge to moan. Men don't moan unless a woman does some thing _really_ good. Though ice-cream counts as 'done by women' for his purposes.

The bed he was in was small and narrow, though the sheets smelled cleaner and fresher than his own bed in the church. A fan whirled, and the only window seemed as small and narrow as the bed. To be fair, the room wasn't _that_ bad, but he was used to things being big, and overdone to the point of tastelessness.

A girl was sitting at the desk next to the bed, bent over some book and papers, looking bored, her pencil moving lazily, yet in a way that said she was in no hurry and knew exactly what she was doing. A rather gaudy piece of jewelry that reminded him of one of those absurd toys they sold in this age, usually in pink and white boxes and so fragile it might as well be glass– not that _he'd_ know since he'd never bought one, of course, no sir!– leaned against a can contained some pens, pencils, a small ruler, scissors, and other similar objects.

The little bauble turned. It seemed to be watching him. "Miyu, he's awake," it said.

Ah. That explained it. Obviously, he was still under the influence of some very good booze.

The girl turned to him, face completely blank and disinterested. "How do you feel?" she asked. "Are you hungry? I'm afraid I don't have much, and you've been asleep for over a day, possibly longer."

He stared at her in incomprehension. "Where am I?" he asked fuzzily.

"My room," the girl, apparently called Miyu, said. "I found you. are you all right."

He frowned, considering that. Then he threw off the blanket covering him and tried to get to his feet, swaying slightly.

"Ah," Miyu said. "You're that kind of person. Still, you seem all right, so I suppose we can talk about your situation."

He frowned at her. "My situation?"

She raised her hand. In red lines on the back of it was a design like a hexagram inside a circle with butterfly wings. "Your situation," she said, "as my Servant."

...

"She's living with me!" Rin declared, tugging on Sakura's arm.

"Nonsense!" Luvia declared, pulling on Rin's other arm. "She can live with me! We have plenty of room!"

In between then, Sakura sighed. "Um, this is really uncomfortable…" she said.

"Girls, girls," Kuro said. "No need to fight! You can BOTH have sex with her!"

"Are we allowed to kill her?" Rider asked.

"No," Lancer said, sighing. "Otherwise we'd have done it already."

"Sure we can't renegotiate that?" Rider asked hopefully.

"No killing!" Shiro cried.

"You say that like you have the ability to enforce it," Archer said.

Just another day in the Emiya house. Dusk had fallen, and people had been too lazy to cook, so Luvia had, in her own words, _generously _sprung for takeout. Given Saber had been there, there had been lots of it. Sella had sent a message saying they were on their way home and to wait up, so the others were sticking around to find out what it was about.

"How about a compromise?" Kuro suggested. "Sakura can live here with us!"

"HELL NO!" Rin cried, pointing a finger at Kuro. "The last thing she needs is to be around you for an extended period of time!"

"WHY ARE ALL OF YOU HERE?" Illya cried. "Seriously, I understand about Sakura's house being a crime scene and having no one else there, but don't you two have homes you can return to?"

"We're meeting as allies in the Holy Grail War!" Luvia declared.

"What War?" Illya demanded. "Shiro doesn't want to fight, Caster just wants to get married–" Rin, Luvia and Shiro shuddered "– Sakura says she doesn't want to fight, Shinji is in the hospital being taken care of by space wizards, and _you two_ aren't allowed to fight. That's everyone! What kind of War can we have if no one wants to fight!"

Saber raised a hand. "I want to fight. I must claim the Holy Grail so that it can grant my wish."

"All in favor of letting her have the Grail?" Illya asked, raising a hand.

Rin shrugged. "I just wanted to win the War."

"I don't want anyone to get hurt," Shiro said.

"I wanted to beat Rin," Luvia said.

"I didn't want to get involved," Sakura volunteered.

"WHAT KIND OF UNMOTIVATED MASTERS ARE YOU?-!" Lancer demanded.

"Right then!" Illya declared. "Then by unanimous disinterest in it, Saber, you can have the Grail! It's yours!"

No one objected.

Saber blinked. "Huh. Well… that was easier than I thought it would be…"

Rin shrugged. "So I guess we just have to ask Kotomine–"

"CREEPY PERVERT PRIEST!" Illya cried.

Rin glared at her. "– for the Grail Vessel."

"Would he let us?" Shiro asked, frowning. "I mean, he seems intent on making sure we kill each other…"

"He's just a Supervisor," Rin said. "All he really does is make sure things don't go out of hand. If we want to resolve the War this way, he can't object. I'll give him a call right now."

Rin picked up the phone and dialed.

It rang.

And rang.

And rang.

And kept on ringing.

Rin put down the phone, frowning, and tried again. There was more of same.

"Rin?" Saber prompted.

"There's no answer," Rin said. "I guess he's out. Well, we can just show up tomorrow and bug him…"

The door suddenly opened, and Irisviel's loud voice cried, "Kids! I saw on the news you fought a big penis monster!"

"Ooh, pizza!" Leysritt said, chiming in behind her mistress.

"CALORIES!" Sella cried in despair.

...

Not many people would care too much about the disappearance of a priest, except maybe dependents he's doing nice things for.

When the priest happens to be involved in what appears to be a highly ritualized magical war between seven people and seven 'Spirits' of inhuman power, however…

Suffice to say, Batman was suspicious when his bugs recorded the priest leaving the church, but not coming back to it. Investigation followed. There were no leads, although there seemed to be signs that someone else was living in the church with the priest. There were no leads about who that was either, except for a note that said "Priest, buy coffee."

Lacking leads, Batman resolved to see if the participants of the war, who hadn't yet personally done anything he could bust them for, knew anything.

Before he could get around to it, the next day a giant monster attacked.

He was really coming to hate Japan.

The Tohsaka girl's house was empty. The Edelfelt Mansion– and how the heck she'd managed to get a mansion that size in a suburban neighborhood here, even he had no idea– seemed to have only the butler and the young girl who was apparently a ward.

Across the street, all the other players seemed to be present.

About that time, all his electronic receivers went nuts.

"That can't be good…"

In the darkness, something roared.

...

"No one wants to fight," Kiritsugu said in flat disbelief.

"Nope," Shiro said happily.

Kiritsugu sighed. "I don't know whether to be thankful or complain that standards have _really_ gone down since I was a Master."

"So, Good End, hurray for everyone, sex all around, right? Kuro said.

Outside, something roared.

Everyone in the house paused.

"What are the chances of us getting hit twice in one day…" Archer mused.

"Almost 100 percent now that it's been brought up," Luvia said.

Kiritsugu let out a relieved sigh.

Saber gave him a look. "What was that about?" she asked. Given how they'd used to work together, this reaction was a new one on her, even with the ten years between them.

"Nothing," Kiritsugu said. "Just glad that the universe is still working and that things couldn't possibly as easy at the kids think. What is it?"

"The same thing that attacked the school," Archer said, moving to stand by Rin.

"A giant black penis?" Irisviel said.

Illya, Kuro and Shiro all shuddered. "I did _not_ need to hear my mom say _that word_," Illya moaned.

The lights flickered and died.

"That can't be good," Lancer said as he moved to stand by Luvia.

"Leysritt, get your axe," Kiritsugu said, words quick and terse. "Sella, Iris, arm yourselves." The two women nodded, Iris reaching for her AA-12 under the table. Sella went over to a seemingly normal wall panel, punching it. Something clicked. She slid it aside, drawing out a more standard shotgun, pumping the action. She handed it to Kiritsugu and took another one for herself. "We need a scout."

"I'll go," Archer said. "If you hear me yelling and an explosion, assume hostile contact."

"We will anyway," Lancer said dryly. The red servant changed to spirit form.

"We have to get the fight out of this area," Kiritsugu continued. "There are innocent people here. We have to run."

"Run?" Shiro said, surprised. "We're just going to abandon them?"

Before Kiritsugu could answer, words began to echo through the night.

_Join us…_

_Come to our world…_

_Emiya…_

Kiritsugu stiffened. "That voice…!"

Rin frowned as something began to nag her.

_You killed me, Emiya Kiritsugu… let me return the favor…_

"Dad?" Illya asked, concerned.

"Kirei…" Kiritsugu breathed.

Rin, pulling jewels out of her pocket– a movement that Kiritsugu would have never let her do in his presence and live, once upon a time– frowned at him. "You know Kirei?" she asked.

_He_ frowned. "_You_ do?"

"Well, duh," she said. "He's my legal guardian, on paper, anyway."

Kiritsugu blinked, proving Shiro was adopted by being fast on the uptake. "He's _not_ dead?"

"He's the supervisor of the War," Shiro said helpfully.

Kiritsugu processed that. "Well, crap."

Archer appeared. "They're surrounding the house," he said urgently. "We need to go, now, while we can still break through."

"Everyone, move," Kiritsugu ordered.

Outside, how bad things were became obvious.

The streets were filled black with pale-faced, dark-coated figures, some almost human-looking, others humanoid tentacle squick. They all gazed at the house in silent, staring ranks, inhumanly still.

In the center ranks, facing the front door, a tall figure stood, demon wings on its back, a long black coat robbing it. It had Kirei's face.

"Kirei…" Kiritsugu breathed. Rin put her hands over her mouth in shock.

It's mouth twisted in a grotesque parody of a smile. "Hello, Emiya. Rin-chan."

"AH!" Illya screamed. "CREEPY PERVERT PRIEST!"

It sighed. "You know, I'm getting really tired of people calling me that. I kill people, I don't molest them."

"You're supposed to be dead," Kiritsugu said through clenched teeth.

"I got better. I doubt you will." It gestured.

Mouths opened. Briefcases reconfigured into weapons.

"GATE OF BABYLON!"

The air warped, shimmering. The thing with Kirei's face turned in surprise.

Noble Phantasms fell like rain.

Kirei-thing growled, taking to the air before the ones behind him were annihilated. In moments, the street in front of the house was cleared in a wash of destruction.

The fall of weapons ended. Silence.

A neighbor cried, "CRAZY GIRLS! KEEP IT DOWN!"

Across the street, outlined against the gates of the Edelfelt mansion, a tall figure in golden armor stood.

Saber and Kiritsugu's eyes widened. "Archer…" she said breathlessly.

He smirked. "Hello, Saber. It's been a while…"

A figure stepped out from behind him, garbed in a magical girl outfit more reminiscent of a swimsuit than usual, holding a blue wand.

"Kaleido Ruby!" Miyu cried. "Look! I have my own Servant now too!"

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: Yup, Shinji is second in magical power only to Nanoha.

How, you ask? Well, here's my idea of the magic system. Being a Magus (Nasu-verse magic), Mage/Knight (MGL-magic) or Wizard (Negima-magic) are completely different things, despite all using Linker Cores in some fashion. Shinji was basically trying to level up as a Magus, even though he had no little to no aptitude for it, while at the same time unaware he could take levels as a Mage. This is an inborn ability, and not something you can cross-class in easily. For example, Negi can only take levels as a Wizard, and Nanoha can only take levels as a Mage. Sakura/Reinforced is one of the few exceptions to the rule, since she apparently has lots of levels in Mage, Magus, AND Wizard.

It's implied that Rin is Christian. What the heck, why not…

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	9. Threesome

A/N: I HAVE MY OWN TVTROPES PAGE! ONE I DIDN'T MAKE MYSELF! **YES! **THE CAMPAIGN IS WORKING! **AOIRANN, **I LOVE YOU! Everyone, please help fill up the page and my ego! A happy writer is a motivated writer!

...

FATE/Holy Grail War of 2814

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 9: Archer Goes '_SQUEE!_'/All Servants Must Die/"Protect the tsunderes, idiots and morons!"/"HEY!"/ 91939/Golden Moron/Clown Car From Hell/Emiya Kiritsugu: Awesome Dad/Threesome

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story. If I did… well, this would all be canon. WARNING: MAY CAUSE HEAD EXPLOSION!

...

Archer picked up a sword and eyed it with the criticism of a connoisseur. "Nth metal," he said, sounding disappointed. "Thanagarian make. How mundane." He tossed it carelessly aside. "Hmm. Bronze construction, intricate engraving… pre-Grecian Atlantean work. Boring." He gave the one in golden armor a look. "Don't you have anything interesting, Goldenrod? Ooh, proto-Soul Sword. I've been looking for that. Ah! _SQUEE! Proto-Mjolnir!_ Happy days!"

Everyone sweatdropped at the sight of the normally cool as ice Archer– when he wasn't being aggravatingly annoying– going through the weapons stuck into the ground like a kid at the candy store.

Gilgamesh twitched. "UNHAND MY TREASURES, PEASANT!" he cried, vividly remembering the LAST time another Servant had gotten a hold of the weapons in his treasury.

Archer clucked his tongue. "See, it's no surprise you can't get laid with that attitude. Well, unless you happen to be in full Shotaro mode, anyway."

Gilgamesh twitched again. "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, PEASANT?-! **GATE– **"

Miyu reached up and tugged at his cheeks. "No. No killing friends, Gil-kun."

Saber facefaulted. Archer doubled over laughing.

"That is wrong…" Saber muttered as she pried her face from the ground. "Just… wrong…"

"Gilgamesh?" the thing with Kirei's face said from atop an electric pole. "You turn against me?"

"You're not my master any more, false priest," Gilgamesh snapped. It would have been intimidating if not for the girl still pulling his cheeks, who he seemed to be resolutely ignoring. "Besides, I find what you are now to be personally offensive. You were the one who taught me what these things were, yet here you are, one of them."

Kirei-thing grinned. "It is not so bad. I'm finally where I belong."

"So happy for you," Gilgamesh said. "In token of our old partnership, I will do my very best to kill you quickly and cleanly."

Gilgamesh snapped up a hand as the air behind him began to warp, but before one of the seemingly infinite weapons in his treasury could be launched, Kirei had opened his mouth, a blast of kinetic energy blasting from it, warping the air like a shock wave as it flew between the two of them faster than the blink of an eye. Gilgamesh's other wand snapped, throwing Miyu off him barely in time for her to avoid getting hit by the blast. It struck Gilgamesh full on, and a shockwave crashed through everyone, knocking the Master's off their feet, though the Servants managed to hold their ground. The only exception was Gilgamesh, who was imbedded in fifteen-foot wide crater.

"My driveway!" Luvia cried.

Miyu winced. She hoped that wasn't taken from her pay.

Kirei-thing turned to scream again– and _something_ flew and wrapped around his head, weighed ends smacking him off balance, though he didn't fall. Something dark imbedded to the think blinked red, beeping

Five seconds later, it exploded.

_That_ knocked the Kirei-thing off the pole, sending it falling to the ground. This didn't take. It quickly got back to its feet, such as it was. It opened it's mouth, sending out another kinetic blast.

"_Panzer Schild!_" Sakura snapped, a triangular shield snapping in place as shadows wrapped around her body forming the loli-goth dress and mask from before. The blast slammed against the shield, dispersing harmlessly.

The Kirei-thing growled, and screamed. The lights flickered, and the cellphones in their pockets began to wail.

_I've been watching you…_ Kirei's voice came from beneath his scream.

"Okay, that's just creepy," Lancer said.

_You make light of this War… Let me show you how a War is fought…_

In the other streets around the house, still filled by Invaders, they fused.

"Please don't let it be another worm thing," Archer prayed.

Seven figures began to form, at least twenty feet tall, and black as night.

_There are seven classes. __Archer… Assassin… Berserker… Caster… Lancer… Rider… and Saber…_

The figures resolved.

_They fight for the Holy Grail. Servants kill Masters and Servants. Masters kill Masters__. With each death, the Holy Grail becomes more complete, more powerful._

Sakura, Shiro and Illya blinked. "What?" they demanded.

_Didn't you know?__ For the Grail to be complete, all Servants must die, and it collects their power. Let me give you an object lesson…_

One of the figures to the side of the house moved, filling the air with the sound of metal plates clicking against one another. It was slim in proportion to its height, androgynously so, and it carried a sword as long as it was tall.

_Sabers are considered the strongest and __best of the classes. Agile in battle, they fight in close. They are the natural enemy of Lancers…_

The thing's head turned.

"Oh, crap," Lancer said as it looked right at him.

The sword blurred, thunder cracking as it swung at Lancer, moving seemingly ridiculously fast for its size. Lancer darted out of the way as the others scattered as well. Saber-Invader pursued, its telephone-pole-sized blade tearing apart the street and walls.

Somewhere to the sides, there was a commotion, the sounds of metallic impacts, an explosion, and a dark figure was thrown into their midst, cape fluttering wildly around its limp form and only being saved from serious bone breakage by a sudden interception from Archer.

"I've got you," he said, twisting to avoid the Saber-Invader, who seemed to have eyes only for Lancer, pursing the agile Servant relentlessly. He looked at his rescuee. "Huh. Shouldn't you be chasing clowns or something?"

Batman twisted out of his grip, glaring. "Put me down."

Archer shrugged, complying. Batman should have landed on his ass. He didn't.

"I was looking for information on where Kotomine Kirei might be," Batman said. "Looks I found him."

_Of course, this is mainly just historical bias. Still, one thing is very true. The Assassin Class is truly the bane of Masters…_

One of the other dark figures shuddered, and began to subdivide. Small figures, still taller than average and all wearing black, death's head masks streaked forward, running for the Masters who were trying not to be squashed by the Saber-Invader's feet. Their hand metamorphosed into blades as they charged.

The first one they reached was Leysritt, and didn't seem to notice the fact she was wielding an axe taller than she was and most likely much heavier. One swing took three of the Asassin-Invaders apart, making them seemingly dissolve into powder. Behind her, shotguns rang out, lunching glowing blue projectiles, that barely registered before impacting targets and exploding violently. Bizarrely, they seemed to make the temperature drop.

_It appears Presence Concealment doesn't translate well. A pity. I'm sure that the over Servants can make up for this…._

The other dark figures began to shift, before suddenly blurring into a frenzy of motion. Shiro gave a surprised cry as the Saber-Invader suddenly stopped focusing completely on Lancer, striking at his back and barely being pulled out of the way by Rin.

"Protect the tsunderes, idiots and morons!" Archer cried.

"Right!" the other Servants agreed, leaping into action.

"HEY!" the Masters and Rider cried in protest.

"I didn't mean Sakura, Rider," Archer said, placating her.

"Oh," Rider said, dodging two Assassin-Invaders and putting her daggers through them. "That's all right then."

"HEY!" everyone else protested again.

The Pseudo-Servants charged. The Lancer-Invader was lankier than the Saber one, and smaller at about 18 feet, his spear at twice that. It charged at Archer and Batman, blackened spear-point an invisible blur in the dark of night. Archer pushed the superhero out of the way, dodging in the other direction. The spear slammed into the concrete, and Archer took advantage of the momentary immobilization to Trace his bow, sending an arrow– buzz-saw tipped– at the head of the figure. It dodged with speed ill-suited to its size, ripping out the spear-point and slashing it sideways at Archer. He deflected it, the Megalomesembrian-issue shield-blade angled to bounce the awkward slash upwards.

"Stupid," Archer said, lunging forward between the thing's legs. His hands blurred, and a pairs of black and white swords each pierced its ankles. "A _League Kitchen Accountant_ can handle these things." He snapped his fingers.

The blades, Broken Phantasms, exploded, and the thing began a deceptively slow fall as its means of support was blasted out from under it. Archer looked up at it, and at the house it was going to fall on and sweatdropped. "Oh… that's bad."

Black threads flew from behind him, forming into an angled wall that made the Invader fall square on the road.

"I've got your back, Archer-san!" a voice called from behind him.

Archer looked behind his shoulder, his twitching lips hidden by the night. "I appreciate the save, Broken-chan."

Even from a distance, her confusion at the address was obvious.

Kuro, the Masters, parents and homunculi maids were taking care of the Assassin-Invaders. There were basically easy enough to deal with, but there were seemingly no limit to their numbers. Kiritsugu and Sella had already needed to fall back to reload from the bag Sella carried, and Iris looked about to use up her own clip.

"Sheesh, who's this thing based on, pre-timeskip Naruto?" Kuro gripped, long swords in either hand as she mercilessly tore through the things.

"_Really?_ Of all things to reference, that's the best you can do?" Rin said, snapping out Fin Shots like mad. Shiro had managed to use Reinforcement to turn a fallen branch into a passable club, while Luvia and Rin stood behind him providing covering fire. Leysritt and Kuro stood in the lead, providing the most physical defense. Rider guarded their backs and flanks by herself, using her speed and the nature of her weapons to cover the holes in the defense. They'd moved to stand with their backs to Luvia's mansion as Miyu tried to try out Gilgamesh, who was still a little groggy.

Sakura was dealing with the Archer-Invader, which was trying to take potshots at the other Masters. Unlike the others, which had stereotypical weapons for their 'class', this one had what looked like machineguns on its forearms, complete with boxy but-probably-totally-decorative magazine boxes. They seemed to be some sort of rail gun, since it was launching out blacks metal spikes at insane speeds at an equally insane velocity well on the far side of supersonic.

This did not matter at all to Rho Aias.

"My turn!" Sakura cried, raising her hand as a purple-ish pink triangular pattern appeared beneath her. " Bring forth spears and infuse them with blood! Drill through the energy! _Blutiger Dolch! Genocide Shift!_"

Had it been sunny, the sky above her would have turned dark. Instead, uncountable hundreds of crimson blades reflected what little light there was, forming a shining red haze in the sky. The daggers fell, converging in two cones at the shooting appendages of the Invader, tearing it to bits. Sakura swayed in th air slightly, but just shook her head, concentrating on directing the daggers, using it to whittle down the Assassins and impair the enemy.

Lancer had switched out, taking out the Assassin-Invaders before they got too close to the Masters, and Saber was fighting her Pseudo-Alternate, exchanging sword-blow for sword-blow. She was clearly wearying, needing to expend a lot of energy to move quickly and strongly enough to counter the behemoth, but she was holding her own. She thanked Rin and Luvia in her mind for keeping Shiro back, else he might do something stupidly self-sacrificing and noble to get himself in trouble. The thought wasn't _too_ unpleasant, but she forced it out of her mind, concentrating on the fight.

The 'Rider' one had also had liberties taken. It was vaguely centaur-like, in that it's upper-body was a vaguely muscular, masculine form with a long, seven-stranded, razor-edged, mace-tipped flail in one hand, and an axe in the other. Below the waist, however, it was an off-road vehicle from hell, with spiked tires bigger than an SUV, each on the end of a heavily suspended arm than protruded from beneath the torso. Okay, it wasn't anything like a centaur.

The tires ripped the road apart as it charged, accelerating slowly but ponderously, obviously with enough mass to crush anything in its path but taking any advantage physics could hand it.

Berserker stood in its way. Even the Large Servant was dwarfed by its size, and one could be forgiven for seeing the comical– or not– image of a toddler about to be crushed by a steamroller.

Batman casually moved to stand next to him. "We need to talk," he said.

"_**Not now…**_" Berserker replied, sounding strangely calm and lucid. "_**Take the left front and back hydraulics. I'll take the right. Step back to let me finish it off.**_"

Batman didn't so much as glance sideway at him as the invader approached, didn't even give a hint of a glare, but the sentiment was clearly in the air as he reached into his belt. "Why should I trust you?"

"_**91939.**_"

Batman froze.

"_**The hydraulics… now…**_"

The two leapt forward in perfect synchronization, hands flicking forward. There were twinned whirring blurs, impacts and explosions, and the wheels all suddenly bent at angles as the suspension suddenly scraped against the ground. It didn't stop it cold, but the sudden increase in friction did its job, making it lose its balance despite its relatively low center of gravity.

Batman darted to the side, but Berserker kept on going, its growl more felt through the internal organs than through the ears. The chains around his forearms lashed forward, one biting into the shoulder, the other around an ornamental headpiece as his charge suddenly took a decidedly vertical vector. The Rider-Invader tried to swat him off, but its weaponry had been ill-appointed for this, better suited for whipping horses and cavalry charges. Berserker swung, spinning around the central pivot of the thing's torso, landing to one side, and pulled, hard. The Rider became completely off balance, falling on its side, in time for Sakura's bombardment to start perforating it.

Berserker nonchalantly disengaged his chains, striding towards Batman. "_**Now, you wanted to talk…?**_"

Illya had taken to the air, confronting the Caster-Invader. Unlike the first two, it wasn't armored, instead looking like a parody of a wizard, with a long, trailing, pointed and strangely geometrically angular beard. Long black robes trailed below it, and its deep hood made its face hard to make out. The most Illya could see was that it looked like some weird cross between Christopher Lee and Tim Curry. This was _all _she had time to see, since it had released a black cloud of what looked like spinning tops, which all began firing kinetic blasts of energy at her.

She dodged the blasts, blasting out _Schneiden_ slashes to take out the tops, but more kept coming. And the air seemed to be warping on the end of the long, plain stick the Caster-Invader was holding, which it was beginning to point at Illya. That was never a good sign.

"Ruby!" Illya cried. "Maximum power! Directed, concentrated stream!"

"One Lyrical-grade genocide blast, coming up!" the magic wand responded.

Instead of swinging her staff, Illya pointed. "SHOOT!"

A beam of pure magical energy lashed forth… and the Caster-Invader dodged, as the spinning tops reoriented itself downward.

"NO! Look out!" Illya cried.

Blasts began to rain down.

"TRACE, ON!" Archer and Sakura's voices cried. "_Avalon!_"

"_What?_" Saber and Kiritsugu demanded.

Light enfolded the Masters and the Servant's who'd managed to rally around Archer. Technically, Avalon could only protect a single person, but Sakura had woven her shadows wide, expanding the area, while Archer had done the same thing by surrounding himself with swords. The blasts deflected harmlessly off, even as Illya realigned herattack, charging forward as she drew out a Class Card. "Lancer, Include!" she cried as Ruby suddenly turned into a certain spear. She charged into range, gripping the weapon in both hands. "_Gae Bolg!_"

The Caster-Invader's chest exploded messily, tearing a wide hole straight through the upper torso with an impact crater three feet wide, the view on the other end clearly visible. A heartbeat later, the spear in Illya's hand was lodged in the hole.

Lancer twitched. "Okay, I wasn't going to say anything, but given that last bit, I can't hold back any more. Is anyone else pissed off by the fact other people seem to be using supposedly Servants-only schnichts?"

"Yes," Saber and Archer said blandly, the latter glaring hard at the former.

"Our royal personage is in full agreement with you, peasant!" Gilgamesh's still slightly groggy voice called out.

"Ah, the Golden Moron is back on his feet," Archer said as Avalon deactivated.

Saber's lips twitched. "Golden Moron?" she asked.

"Well, if the Noble Phantasm fits…" Archer said.

The twin attacks of Blood Dagger and Pseudo-Caster's own blast had been enough to deal with the Assassin-Invader's, thought the Saber and Lancer-invader's had drawn back, the latter managing to regenerate its ankles and feet, though it was still a bit crooked. The fake Archer's hands were almost regenerated, and were already beginning to spin in preparation for sending a storm of spikes.

"Wait…" Caber said, counting. "Didn't he make _seven_ of these things?"

In the darkness, something roared.

"**($&&()#%#$^^*)^&#^$^*(^)($^*!-!-!-!-!**_"_

"Berserker, we need an escape route!" Archer cried. "This neighborhood can't take much more of this!"

"KEEP IT DOWN YOU CRAZY TEENAGERS!"

Berserker raised his hand, almost as it he were flagging down a taxi. "_**Son of Fortune…**_" he intoned.

The air warped in a way similar to how Gilgamesh's attack had commenced, and suddenly four vehicles shimmered into existence. They looked like the love-children between a tank and a muscle car, all layered triangular plates and enough mass to either punch through three brick walls or flip over a garbage truck. Doors slid open, revealing a cramped-seeming interior that in actuality was about equal in size to an average sedan.

"IN! Now! Archer cried, shoving Shiro and Rin into one. "Saber, take the wheel! You can Ride, right?"

Saber simply slipped in, sword disappearing as she began to manipulate controls with seemingly practiced ease.

"Ooh, can I drive?" Iris asked.

"_**NO!-!-!-!**_" everyone chorused.

Rider pushed Iris in as Kiritsugu and the maids followed suit. Leysritt's axe wouldn't fit and had to be left behind– "PRINGLE-TAN!" she cried– as Rider began to take control of the vehicle with the same magical familiarity as Saber.

Berserker gave the two women driving an annoyed-sounding growl, picking up the axe. Darkly glowing lines of deep navy blue began to spread across it from his hand, the metal warping and twisting, the head changing shape. He jerked his head at the last car, somehow looking at Batman despite the fact you couldn't really tell where his eyes were facing. "_**In. Drive…**_"

Luvia, Lancer, Kuro and an unsteady Gilgamesh were already piling in, the last being pushed in gently by Miyu.

"Hey, I know you…" Gilgamesh said as he passed Batman. "You're that American, what do they call you… Hell Spawn? Midnighter? NiteOwl?"

Batman glared at Gilgamesh, glared up at Berserker, but took the wheel, staring at the controls for the briefest of moments.

"_**Control configuration 87-G.**_"

Batman paused a bare instant, and hesitantly began keying in commands. The car started.

"They're coming!" Sakura cried from above. Miyu launched herself into the air as Illya came down to join them, keeping a wary eye on an injured but regenerating Caster-Invader, the now-useless Lancer-card tucked away… somewhere. Really, with that outfit, it was best not to ask. Berserker casually stood on the last car, which began to grow navy blue lines and start morphing as the axe had.

"Hit it!" Archer cried as he scrambled to stand on the roof of the car Saber was driving.

The engines roared, the cars leaping forward at speeds and accelerations better suited to fighter jets. Archer nearly fell off, barely managing to grab a conveniently placed ring in time. The three fliers followed, keeping pace. A split second later, the Rider-Invader, its wheels regenerated, roared after them, the Saber, Lancer, Archer and Assassin-Invaders latched on to it. Its back had elongated, becoming a sort of carrier vehicle. They looked like the clown car from hell, with emphasis on hell, unless the clown happened to be the Joker…

"Where to?" Saber asked, as she switched on what was apparently a communications link between the cars.

"The fallback position," Kiritsugu's voice said. "Head for Einzbern castle. It's still in the same place."

"What good will having someplace to run to be when these things are following us?" Kuro asked.

"Trust papa, Kuro," Kiritsugu said.

"Trusting Emiya Kiritsugu," Saber said dryly. "How can _that_ not be a good idea?"

"She has you there, dear," Iris said.

"I was young and stupid!" Kiritsugu protested, and for all the world he sounded like Shiro when he whined. "I'm sorry!"

"Aw, dear…"

"Mom, I know I'm pretty loose about a lot of things, but PLEASE DON'T GIVE DAD A BLOW JOB IN FRONT OF ME!" Kuro cried in panic.

"Hey, I'm driving here!" Rider snapped at them.

A gravelly voice suddenly cut in. "_Stop it. Now._"

Everyone shut up.

Up above, the three fliers, Archer and Berserker were doing what they could to discourage their pursuers. This was complicated by the fact that Pseudo-Archer had effectively turned the Rider-invader into a mobile gun platform. Sakura was doing her best to shield against the unrelenting storm of spikes, but as broken as she was, even she apparently had limits, beginning to weave slightly in the air. Miyu was trying to help her, but this meant she couldn't attack. Illya was doing her best to block the Caster-Invader, taking down its tops as best as she could to keep it from being able to use unblockable levels of beam spam.

Archer was doing his best to attack, but given how he was unsecured, there was only so much he could do. While materializing swords that threw themselves was all well and good, they weren't effective at these speeds and ranges. So he improvised.

He Traced with less energy than usual Bayaku and Kanshou, Breaking them such that they'd take a while to explode and dropping them on the road behind him. The Invaders, as wide as most trucks and barely fitting on the road at all, ran over them, causing them to detonate and occasionally making the Invader jump. This one seemed to have learned, however, as it had regenerated tank treads rather than wheels and had apparently armored its undercarriage.

"Well, that was underwhelming," he muttered. He turned to Berserker. "Any bright ideas?"

Beneath Berserker's feet, the vehicle stood on had become more tank than car, spiked and leaving strange blue contrails in the air. He rode it like a skateboard, angling to move between Archer's car and the Invaders. In the back of his car, the jet engine had changed substantially. For one thing, it no longer looked like a jet engine. Rings around the nozzle began to spin, and a white-hot flame glowed.

A stream of napalm erupted, instantly melting the asphalt beneath with just the heat-bloom as the stream of fire blasted back, striking the front of the Rider-Invader. It screamed as areas of the front part of its apparently-metallic armor super-heated, while some thinner areas turned molten, sloughing off in drops.

"That's going to be a bitch to fix," Archer commented.

There is no possible way Berserker could have possibly looked embarrassed. Therefore, he was not embarrassed. At all. Not even a little bit.

A panel slid back slightly, revealing Rin's face. "What's happening up there?"

"We're experiencing technical difficulties," Archer said. "Please stand by."

Rin gave him a flat look. "You know, you're not as funny as you think you are."

"Your comment will be taken under advisement," Archer said. "In the mean time, do you have any bright ideas?"

Another panel slid back, making an opening like a sun roof. Saber's head popped out, looking all at once annoyed, exasperated and resigned. She glanced at the large group behind them, a thoughtful look on her face. "They are all concentrated together…" she said. "They are vulnerable."

"They would be, but everyone who can do something about it is too busy doing something else," Archer said.

Saber nodded, pulling herself up on the roof of the car. "Someone take the wheel," she said.

Archer stared at her wide-eyed for about half a second, before giving a strangled scream and diving down the sun roof, grabbing the wheel as his legs stuck out of the roof. "Crazy bitch! Shiro, the pedals! I don't think she set the auto pilot, and I don't know where it is! No, the right one, push the right one! This is an American model! Damn it Saber, what the hell do you think you're doing?"

They'd been screaming through the city all this while, and had crossed the bridge at some point. Really, when you didn't give a damn about speed limits and what people thought, you could really get places. They were nearing the foot of the mountains, about to cross into the woods. Saber looked ahead of them. A small hill was in front of them, approaching fast. She was going to need to time it right…

"Out of the way!" she called to Berserker, and the other Servant obliging accelerated, moving in front of them.

She knelt, gripping the same ring Archer had used to steady himself. The wind around her sword quieted, disappearing, revealing the golden sword underneath. They roared up the hill as she gripped the blade, her energy pouring into the sword…

They crested the hill, and there was a stomach-churning moment of freefall as they caught air, before crashing hard against the road again, nearly causing her to lose her balance. She heard the Rider-Invader approach, coming up the hill. It crested.

Saber let go of the ring, gripping her sword with both hands, standing as best as she could, completely unsecured as the golden blade suddenly exploding in blinding golden light.

"Saber, my legs are hot, what are you doing woman?" Archer's muffled voice cried. She ignored him.

The Invader rose in the air, briefly outlined against the sky, nothing but emptiness and clouds behind it.

"EX–" Saber cried, swinging her blade, and barely missing Archer's legs. "–_CALIBUR!_"

One could be forgiven for wondering why noon had been scheduled so early.

A line of light erupted from the sword, tearing through the suspended Invader in one shot, causing instant vaporization of the targets in one blast as if they'd had the defensive capabilities of a soap bubble. The beam kept going, tearing through a patch of clouds that immediately parted, snapping outward at speeds normally reserved for hurricanes and still the beam kept on moving outwards. Space was cleared of several tons of space debris in high orbit before the beam finally stopped, narrowly missing several satellites.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST _DO?_" Archer demanded, legs flailing randomly as he tried to drive.

Saber didn't answer, as, now unsecured, she fell off the roof of the car, striking the ground at not just break-neck but leave-smear speeds, her armor ringing loud as she hit, rolling over several times.

Rin's head popped out from what little opening there was left on the sun roof "Saber! Archer, she's down! Go back for her!"

The car turned abruptly, skidding and tearing the road as it turned, charging forward back the way they'd come. It skidded to a halt as they reached Saber, who was unconscious and bruised, rather than being dead and broken in too many places to name. The door popped open, and Shiro scrambled out, picking up the Servant quickly but carefully as Archer finally managed to pull his legs into the car, accidentally kicking Rin.

"Ow!"

"Sorry. Kid, there's a first aid kit under the seat, and a thermal blanket! Get her comfortable, we're not out of this yet!"

"B-but," Shiro said as he bought Saber to the car, Rin helping him pull her in. "But Saber destroyed them!"

"That wasn't all of them."

"**(e$j&e&(kt)#%yltj#$,fy^u^erh*),^y&h#^tk$sr^*(^)($^*!-!-!-!-!**_"_

Shiro paled.

"Get in!" Archer cried, snapping on his seat belt.

Rin and Shiro finally got Saber inside, and Archer snapped down the door, locking it down.

"Atomic Batteries to power!" Archer said, snapping on switches as he hit the accelerator, turning the car back the way they were going. "Turbines to speed!"

The jet at the back of the car flared, and Rin and Shiro found themselves slammed into the back of the seat, Saber on their laps. They frantically scrambled to snap their seatbelts in place.

"Well, that was easy," Archer said as they neared a break in the rode that turned into the woods, fresh tire trucks and a few burning bushes showing where the others has turned. Then he paused, realizing what he'd just said. "Oh, crap."

In the sky above them, Caster-Invader let it rip.

As the car was flipped up and over to slam against the trees and ground, four words echoed through the cabin that perfectly expressed the sentiments off all the conscious passengers and even the unconscious one, had she been conscious.

"I hate my life," Archer said, before the airbags all inflated.

Caster-Invader began to descend.

...

Up in Einzbern castle, Kiritsugu aligned the crosshairs at the thing that had just shot the car his son had been in. "Targeted acquired. Target locked. Firing." His finger pushed a button.

The Caster barely had time to react before several modified Lex-Corp Anti-Kryptonian tracking missiles with magical warheads blasted it out of the sky.

Kiritsugu allowed himself a moment of satisfaction. "Rot in hell."

Kuro stared wide-eyed at her father. "Dad, I take back everything I ever said about you not being cool. YOU. ARE. _AWESOME!_"

Kiritsugu sighed. "Tatsumiya-san charges a lot, but she does good work. I wonder where she got the missiles, though."

...

Somewhere, Daidouji Tomoyo sneezed.

...

Archer, in life, had always been lousy with alarm clocks. It was why it was better for someone to wake him. Still, there are some things anyone would wake up to.

"_Vehicle damaged beyond repair. Irrecoverable. Commencing Intimidate Self-Destruct mode. Preparing Thermite._"

_That_ snapped Archer awake.

"Everyone, get up!" he said, unsnapping his seat belt. Since the car was upside-down, this meant he fell off his chair.

Shiro groaned, fumbling for his seat belt. There wasn't time for that, so Archer made a slashing gesture, the knife suddenly in his hands tearing through the restraints and dropping them almost on top of Saber, instantly jarring them awake. Saber opened one eye. "What…?"

"We have to go, the car's about to explode," Archer said.

Even Miss-Not-A-Morning-Person Tohsaka snapped fully awake at that. They managed to pop a door open, and they struggled to get Saber out, with her weakly trying to help. They managed to drag her onto the grass some distance away, out of sight.

Shiro blinked, and looked around. "Hey, where's Archer?"

The front of the car made grinding noises, and suddenly the left front wheel– or what would have been the left front wheel had it been right-side up– shot out of the front, somehow pulling the right front wheel with it. What came out, with Archer riding it, looked like a motorcycle salvaged from the parts of… well, a car crossed with a tank.

A few moments later, the car caught fire and started to melt.

"Go," Archer said. "Run. I think I saw a guardhouse or cottage or something a little bit that way when the car was in midair. It still looks mostly intact. Get there, try to call the house. I'll hold off these guys. The–"

"**(e$j&e&(kt)#%yltj#$,fy^u^erh*),^y&h#^tk$sr^*(^)($^*!-!-!-!-!**_"_

"– big one is still coming," Archer finished, sticking a finger in his ear to clean it. He revved the engine, and it roared in a satisfactory manner. "Go!"

Rin gave him a level look. "After this, we are going to have a talk about your amnesia."

Archer sniffed. "Hey, your fault for botching the spell."

"That doesn't explain how you could drive… _that_," Rin said, gesturing at the remains of the car, which was now a twisted wreck curling in on itself from the heat. "You don't have the Ride skill. And how did you know about that thing you're riding?"

"It's all part of my 108 Super Secret Servant Skills," Archer said. "Really, is now that time?"

Rin glared at him, but helped Shiro carry off Saber towards where Archer had gestured. For a moment, Archer just sat there, his cycle pointed where he knew the Invader would be coming from after the three had faded from sight.

"Can you please cough or something?" he said, not turning around. "This is very annoying. Damn it man, you practically have Presence Concealment! I'd rather not have a heart attack just because you insist on that childish game."

There _should_ have been a derisive snort. Instead, the enormous tank-like vehicle Berserker rode rolled next to him, absolutely silent, not even some much as a hum or a crackle of disturbed earth.

"You know, even when you were alive, people were already saying the reason you could sneak up on Superman was because you didn't have a heartbeat for him to hear," Archer said lightly. "I wonder, given your state, if that's somehow literally true now."

There was another silence where there _should_ have been some kind of response. There was none.

"You are a lousy conversationalist, Bruce," Archer complained.

"**(e$j&e&(kt)#%yltj#$,fy^u^erh*),^y&h#^tk$sr^*(^)($^*!-!-!-!-!**_"_

"For crying out loud, the anthropomorphic evil construct parody of your class talks more than you," Archer said, glaring sideways at the larger Servant.

This time, Berserker gave a response, shrugging. "_**We can take it…**_"

"You mean _you_ can take it," Archer said. "I've been Tracing most of tonight, plus it wasn't fun flipping over in that death-machine you call a car. I'm low on power."

"_**I don't swing that way…**_"

Archer froze, staring at the other Servant. "Did you just go there?"

"_**I rather think I did.**_"

Archer sighed. "We'll have to keep it occupied most of the night. The others are holed up in the castle, and it's not a good idea to endanger them. I'm too weak to use anything big enough to destroy it completely. Sakura's drained, and so are the girls. It'll probably have multiple cores or something, if Kirei hasn't junctioned himself into that thing and fueling it with the Grail's power. Our best bet is to keep that thing away from those three while Saber recovers enough power so we can take it three on one. We can keep it occupied until morning, right?"

Berserker turned his blank facemask towards Archer and Archer could _feel_ the look, just short of the supernatural bladder-clearing terror that meant Berserker was using one of his Noble Phantasms.

"What? It's an important event," Archer said defensively. "Might cause all sorts of paradoxes if it doesn't happen."

This time Berserker _did_ snort.

...

Somewhere, Emiya Shiro was between a red flower and a white flower, in the midst of an unfulfillable dream.

_Rin's fingers sequentially removed the armor from the knight, and it was a dubious a ritual to expose the girl within…_

_"…Just open your eyes. We're accomplices. We're going to love Saber and have Saber save us in return. Or are you going to just sit there and watch…?"_

_"…! Ah– no, Rin. Not there– !"_

_"…Why? What's there? I won't listen unless you tell me clearly. …Say it clearly… loud enough so that Shirou can hear too…!"_

_Rin looked down at the golden-haired girl below her and took a deep breath. "Ah… hm… I'm surprised… I didn't think I swung this way…"_

_"Idiot! I'm telling you to hold it off! Wait for Saber! If you don't you won't be able to induct!"_

_"Haa…! No, Rin, please, do not, lick, that…!"_

"_Okay Shiro, my turn!"_

"_Eh? Rin?"_

And then Shiro realized it wasn't a dream.

And the world over, people recognized Shiro as the luckiest idiot in the world…

...

Illya's eyes snapped open, staring at the ceiling of the bedroom she'd been assigned. "Suddenly, it feels like something horrible just happened…"

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: There's subtle, and there's cool, awesome, fun and immaturity. Guess which I liked more for this chap.

It's true. Check around the 280th-plus chapters of Negima. Megalomsembria issues swords to its armored troops so big, they can literally use them as shields, and are in fact mainly used for that purpose.

If you don't get the significance of the number, search for it on TvTropes. It's a Mythology Gag. If you recognize it without help… good for you.

For those who like to keep score with these things, Berserker has used up to 4 Noble Phantasms, though only one has been actively named.

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	10. Changes

A/N: Ok-ay, this series, while amusing, is getting overly long. Let's see about my wrapping it up so we can get back to Green Lantern and co, shall we? I know me. This might end up at 25+ chapters before we can get back to GL. To that end, I'll try to wrap it up in 3 chaps, this included…

...

FATE/Holy Grail War of 2814

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 10: Changes

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story. If I did… well, this would all be canon. WARNING: MAY CAUSE HEAD EXPLOSION!

...

When Batman regained consciousness, he found himself lying on the ground staring up at the dark-skinned one who called himself Archer.

"Let this be a lesson to you, young man," he said, in a disturbingly passable imitation of Alfred. "Don't go riding in strange people's cars, particularly if– urk!"

Batman slammed him against the nearest tree, glaring at him.

"Right, I probably should have been expecting that," Archer wheezed. "You realize I'm not alone, right?"

There was a sudden feeling of the space behind him not being empty. Batman tensed internally, while giving absolutely not sign he gave a damn.

"_**You wanted to talk…**_" the one behind him said. "_**Talk.**_"

Batman didn't turn his head. He didn't relinquish his hold on Archer. "Over the past week, several of Fuyuki City's organized crime elements have been brutally attacked. Were you behind it?"

The responding tone should have had some kind of facial expression attached to it. "_**Obviously…**_"

"Why?" Batman demanded.

Archer rolled his eyes. "Don't bother. Might as well ask why deep space is black instead of duck-egg blue. It's just one of those things. Gold Reaper is madly in love with Green Lantern, Magus Erebus attracts girls of highly inappropriate ages like planets attract falling objects, Diana is a disturbingly good PI, people die if they are killed– " he paused, and added conscientiously, "– usually, and Batman fights crime. It's the way the universe works. "

Batman did turn then, just a little. The figure behind him was enormous, clearly bigger than he was, bigger than Bane, but the silhouette…

"That's impossible," he said flatly.

"Says the man who was a protocol in place to meet Static when he shows up in the Batcave again because of that time-travel thing a few years ago," Archer said blandly.

"I heard the exposition at the church," Batman argued. "This…_ritual_… uses the souls of dead heroes. I'm not dead. And _how do you know all that?-!_"

"Neither am I, technically," Archer said. "That doesn't mean anything to the Grail. It takes it's heroes from across time. And given enough time, everyone dies…"

"**($&&()#%#$^^*)^&#^$^*(^)($^*!-!-!-!-!**_"_

"_**We're wasting time…**_" Berserker said. "_**It's coming…**_"

Batman scowled. "This isn't over."

"Yes, but in the mean time, could drive the Bat-tank over there?" Archer said, leaping for the motorcycle meant to run over and crush puny cars. "Watch out for trees."

Batman glared at him, then at Berserker, then at where the roar had come from. Then his eyes widened as trees began flying towards them. He dove for the still open car door.

"That, right there?" Archer said, pointing. "_So_ worth dying and getting summoned back here for."

"_**Shut up, you…**_"

"**($&&()#%#$^^*)^&#^$^*(^)($^*!-!-!-!-!**"

"Trace, on!" Archer cried, a nodachi appearing in his hand as he revved up his cycle, charging forward as he cut trees out of his way. "And for the record, why does this thing have guns and missiles when you're not supposed to kill people?"

"_**It's for cars, buildings and robots…**_"

Archer sighed. "And it's all plausible…"

Panels slid aside on the car, and many examples of said weaponry extruded.

"Let's get this over with," Batman growled.

More trees flew at them as the Berserker-Invader came closer. The ground started to shake.

"Does anyone remember what this one looked like?" Archer asked.

The ground shook again.

"I can take a wild guess," Batman said grimly as he powered up weapons systems.

Archer stared. "Is that a forty-foot Evangelion? Bruce, why didn't you remember that?" he hissed.

"_**I think my brain blocked it out…**_"

"We're screwed…"

...

"Targets found," Vita said, snapping her eyes open. "They're under some kind of barrier, and it's messed up the scan, but I can find them."

"A… barrier," Signum murmured. "How convenient for you… it certainly justifies your incompetence at being able to perform such a simple spell."

Vitas hammer streaked for Signum's head, her golden eyes blazing in rage, but before contact could be made, Signum's slap had already sent her flying, and it took her a while to regain her equilibrium, such as it was. A further cry of rage and a charge was interrupted by a backhanded strike of Laevatein's sheath. Zafira growled in blood-thirsty approval.

"I tolerate your insubordination for the sake of Hayate's pleasures, knight," Signum said, using the same inflection people used for 'scumbag ho needs to learn her place'. "But there are limits."

Vita said a long series of words in Ancient Belkan best translated as (BLEEP).

Signum slapped her again. "Enough," she said, unperturbed. "We're here to collect Linker Cores. Let us do so before more mages and that Hayate-damned green girl arrive. Move."

Vita cast her one last hateful look before she led the way, Signum and Zafira following her, blazing a trail to Einzbern Castle.

...

"Your fireball expands to 20 feet, stopping just inches from the rogue's nose," Harry said.

Tavi frowned. "Wait, fire doesn't work like that. Wouldn't it expand more in the cramped confines of the hallway? And what about the heat?"

Harry sighed, opening his Player's Hand Book and pointing. "It says a 20-foot sphere. Just go with it."

"But that doesn't make sense!" Tavi said.

"Would you rather play 'Maid RPG' again?"

"So, just short of the rogues nose was it? Do his eyebrows at least shrivel up?"

"Yes, he's missing an eyebrow."

They stared at each other.

"Okay, first chance we get, we're either getting better games, or some books," Harry said. "Guarding this gate is bor-_ring!_"

"Maybe we can ask some of the monks to play…" Tavi said wistfully.

...

Kuro stared out over the forest around the castle, idly wondering how hard it would be to manually hi-jack one of the missile launch systems Kiritsugu had installed in some of the turrets. It probably wouldn't work against the big whatever-it-was out there, since they were anti-aircraft– or in this case, anti-airborne-giant-fake-Servant– weapons, but then she could get creative. She was shrouded in darkness, since they didn't want to draw attention to the castle. All the curtains had been drawn inside, and lights were kept to a minimum.

She sighed, staring moodily out into the dark forest, the wind blowing her hair, veiling her face. She clasped her hand before her, obviously thinking dark, moody thoughts…

And whirled, her casual cloths dissolving away into her reds and blacks as she parried the croquet mallet streaking towards her head with the black blade in her hand as she stabbed with the white blade in the other. The shock from the impact, stronger than she thought it would be, knocked her slightly off, allowing her opponent to dodge. She pressed the attack, blades whirling, not letting her have the opportunity to swing her hammer properly.

"We saw Matou's body, you idiot," Kuro snarled as she charged. "It was kind of obvious you hit him from behind. You think I'd fall for that? What happened to charging in with all your buddies and new toys and causing a scene?"

"It became counter-productive," a voice behind her said.

Kuro didn't turn. She had no time to.

And more to the point, she had no need to.

Miyu and Illya streaked from the doorway they'd been hiding, Miyu's Excalibur intercepting Laevatein as it came down on Kuro's back, locking the weapon in place for a precious moment.

"Ruby! Maximum concentration point-blank range blast!" Illya cried, swinging the wand at Signum. Energy leapt from the end, a thin beam meant to avoid Miyu and do as much damage to the knight as possible.

Zafira leapt into its path, a barrier in place. The attack pierced the barrier, but it had been angled enough to deflect the remaining energy, tearing through the overhanging roof directly above them. He lunged at Illya, who backed of hurriedly, primitive primate instincts screaming in terror as ancestral memories of similarly fanged creatures tearing primitive man apart made themselves known. She dodged, throwing herself off the balcony and into the air, and Zafira darted after her.

"Kaleido Ruby!" Miyu cried, distracted. Signum's foot lashed out, and Miyu barely managed to get out of the way, parrying Signum's follow-up strike with her own blade. Holy golden blade met dark, crimson-veined Armed Device the the ringing of metal began to fill the air.

"You didn't actually think it would be that easy getting in, did you?" Kuro said as she pressed her attack, keeping Vita unable to properly use Graf Eisen, staying within the weapon's range. "We have a Boundary Field around this whole forest that tells us where people are. We had you guys pegged the minute you hit our airspace. We had radar designed to pick up human-sized targets. Heck, Green Lantern-chan's had us expecting you for days. Did you really think it would be that easy?"

Vita turned rage-filled golden eyes towards Kuro. "I am _sick_," she growled, "of you _children_ getting in my WAY!"

Exhaust vented from Graf Eisen, right into Kuro's face, and she stumbled back, coughing and blinking at the unfamiliar gases. A cartridge loaded into the hammer. "Gigantform!"

Vita swung the now-oversized hammer, catching Kuro completely of guard, though she tried to make a token defense with her daggers. Sadly, the light blades were no match for such a high-mass weapon. There was the sickening crack of bone as Kuro's arm broke, and her pained screamed echoed through the night.

"KURO!"

Illya streaked downward from the night sky, Zafira in pursuit. She didn't seem to care. "GET AWAY FROM MY SISTER! MAXIMUM SCHNEIDEN!"

The cutting attack ripped through the stone behind Vita as her knight armor tore across her torso, the black, red-veined seeming-cloth erupting outwards as it expended its power trying to protect its wearer. The knight was thrown back hard, blood welling from the gash across her stomach.

In the momentary pause after letting out the blast, Zafira pounced. Illya was barely able to redirect power to he physical barriers, keeping from being eviscerated, but the magical energy in he guardian beats claws was still enough to tear through her weakened magical protections. _Stupid Lucas Art piece of junk energy distribution system! _Illya managed to think as she was borne down to the ground.

This time Miyu managed to keep herself from turning at the sounds, but it was a close thing. Signum was relentless, and her sword had caught fire at some point, which was just _wrong_.

"Your allies have fallen," Signum said as the sounds behind Miyu indicated that Zafira was attacking Miyu at close quarters. "You will soon join them. I take no pleasure in your defeat. But you will fall."

From where Kuro had fallen, there was a crackle of static. "_Kuro?_"

"They're here," Kuro gasped out. "Over."

"We have more allies," Miyu said.

As if in reply, chains wrapped around Signum's sword and arms.

Signum was ripped bodily away from Miyu by Rider's chains, sending her flying into the wall of the castle. Miyu turned instantly, dismissing Signum from her world as she charged at Zafira, who Illya was barely keeping back with dangerous, random close-range shots.

"These girls out with us," Rider said as she dropped down from the roof. "Come at your own peril." As she spoke, she shot one of her daggers straight at the knight's heart. Signum managed to deflect the weapon, her own black armor glowing with red veins, making her visible. Managing to slip out of her chains, she charged, fully flying now. Rider met her attack, a black blur with a purple contrail, chains wavering in the air.

Miyu's attack got Zafira moving, but he focused his attack on her. White spikes erupted form the ground, impaling her legs and holding her in place. He feinted to the side, charging at her unprotected back as she tried her best to defend from a rear attack when she couldn't turn.

A black blur flew through the air, striking into Zafira's shoulder, and causing a small explosion that threw the guardian best to the side. Kuro struggled upright, her good arm dropping back to clutch her broken one, her breathing ragged. Her side was obviously bruised, and the outline of at least one broken rib could be seen. "Get away from my bitch," she gasped.

Illya slammed Ruby's head against the spikes as she directed energy at them, disrupting the working and causing them to collapse, freeing Miyu. "Kuro, stay down! You're hurt!" Illya said.

Kuro snorted, them winced as one rib visibly moved. "Fuck that. I need to take care of my bitches," she said.

"You're making less sense than usual," Illya said.

Kuro ignored her, closing her eyes as she placed her good hand on her ribs. The outlines of small swords began to squirm through the skin. "Hammer loli's not down yet."

"Huh?" Illya said, turning to Kuro in time to see Vita looming over her, hammer already on the down-stroke.

From the balcony doorway, Luvia's voice called out, "Gandr."

The shot struck Vita, knocking her a bit off, putting her hammer momentarily in the grasp of gravity and momentum. From Luvia's side, Lancer streaked forward, his spear aimed right at he weapon's head, slamming into with with blurring force and making it completely miss Kuro, who winced at the close call.

Lancer glared at Vita with disgust. "A kid," he said. "You want me to fight a kid?"

"Just take her down Lancer," Kuro said dryly.

"You know, as much as you rag on Archer about his fashion sense, you two are similarly annoying," Lancer said, spinning his spear in an attempt to 'gently' knock Vita unconscious.

With a howl, she knocked his spear out of the way, and struck, hitting him with bone-crushing force three times before he managed to overcome his surprise and start parrying and blocking her attacks. Fortunately, his armor, suc has it was, seemed to have held up well under the blows, but he had obviously _felt_ those blows. Luvia sniped form the door, supporting her Servant with cover fire.

"Damn it!" she cried out. "Where the heck is 'Little Miss Broken' and that new guy?"

...

There had been three major point of entry identified for the Wolkenritter to have chosen to try and use to gain entry, unless they'd chosen to make their own doors. There had been the east terrace balcony, where Team Loli had been waiting, the West terrace balcony, where Rider, Luvia and Lancer had been lurking, the rear door, where Sakura had volunteered to go, and the Front hall, with all its windows and the doors that had led to the parapets. Gilgamesh had stood in the latter, loud as brass and just as shiny. When the alert call from Kuro had come in, he'd started to head for the balconies, though he was taking his dear sweet time about it, ignoring Kiritsugu's cursing at him to hurry up from the control room where he and the maids were holed up.

Sakura, however…

She stood, unseeing, hidden just outside the rear door by her shadows. Seemingly dead to the world, she just stared outwards into the night.

The shudder that ran through her seemed unnatural, like a statue suddenly coming to life. Crimson eyes opened as purple hair turned white and lengthened. Clothes reformed, not made of shadows now, but of something else.

For the first time in ten years, the being Sakura called 'Kaze-neechan', Shukufuku-no-Kaze, opened her eyes, and breathed. She stared up at the balcony where Servants fought nights, and sighed in sadness. "Duty," she said, the words coming out strange, as if disused. "I have to do my duty. I'm sorry, knights."

She waved her hand, forming the spell she rode to battle on as she launched herself into the sky. Ominous Lantin chanting began to follow her.

"_Estuans interius, ira vehementi…_"

...

The roof was an utter mess. Rider and Signum's clash had quickly moved upward, their blows missing as often as not and doing horrible things to the roof tiles around them. Below, Luvia ahd managed to pull Kuro away to the relative safety of the doorway, and was doing what she could to help put the girl together. She'd managed to realign Kuro's arm bones, and used her skirts and the white blade Kuro still had as a splint.

Kuro frowned up from where she was finished apparently repairing her ribcage. There were now a lot of disturbing tooth-like outlines under the skin. "Does anyone else hear… music?"

"…_Estuans interius, ira vehementi…_"

No one paused in the fighting to listen, but they all _really_ wanted to.

"_Reinforce! Reinforce!_"

"_Trace, on!_" a deep, feminine voice said as it swooped up from below, a nodachi appearing in it's hand. "_In Celebration of Elegant Swordswoman AngelGARd's First Kiss With Her Maguis Albus Ojou-sama Strike._"

The exorcising sword technique blasted straight through a surprised Rider and straight into Signum, who cried out in pain and surprise, black mist seeming to explode from her armor where the attack had struck, leaving only steel-colored plates and pink fabric.

"…_Estuans interius, ira vehementi…_"

"Sakura…?" Rider breathed.

"Technically," the woman said, her long silver hair not having so much as a stray strand as she landed on the roof. "Let me deal with this, Rider-san. It's the reason I'm here. Make sure none interfere, please."

Rider frowned. "But–"

"Rider…" Sakura's gentle voice said. "_Please…_"

Rider paused, then stepped back.

A symbol appeared beneath the woman's feet, a dark, triangular outline in black that paradoxically seemed to glow. It illuminated the woman's black boots, leather pants, long back coat, and belts.

"…_Estuans interius, ira vehementi…_"

"A… a Belkan Triangle?" Signum said, looking shocked.

The woman pointed her sword at Signum. "In the name of the Queen of the Night Sky, Regina Diabolica, I judge you, Signum of the Wolkenritter, General of the Raging Fire, Servant Most Devoted to She Who Is Bound To The Book! Surrender with honor, or taste my steel!"

One golden eye and one blue stared in shock at the woman, before both narrowed, and the grip on Laevatien shifted. "I can't do that," Signum said, voice filled with quiet determination. Her armor seemed to writhe as blackness slowly covered it at a snail's pace, red veins slowly regrowing. "I have my duty. What is your name, who knows so much?"

The woman smiled. "I am the Blessed Wind that protects and strengthens. I am the soul bound to the Book Of the Night Sky. As my theme music says, I am–"

"_Reinforce! Reinforce!_"

"Reinforce," the woman continued smoothly. "And I am here to do as my Queen commands."

She waved a hand. "_Forced Transfer._"

Beneath Signum, a triangular symbol appeared.

Below, Lancer, Miuya and Illya were knocked back by some kind of force as similar symbols appeared beneath their own opponents. There were three flares of light… and suddenly, the roof was a lot more quiet.

"May I be forgiven for what I have just done…" Reinforce murmured, closing her eyes. She collapsed, and only Rider's quick action prevented her from hitting the ground. The triangle beneath her had disappeared, and in what little light there was now, Rider could clearly see she held Sakura.

"What the fuck just happened?-!" Kuro's voice demanded.

Gilgamesh stuck his head out. "Is the fight over already? Why did you bother calling me over for?"

...

In the woods, a triangle appeared, the three Wolkenritter reappearing in a muted flash.

"The hell?" Vita cried. "Where are we?"

"**($&&()#%#$^^*)^&#^$^*(^)($^*!-!-!-!-!**"

...

Things were not going well.

"Things are not going well," Archer commented as he dodged the series of trees Berserker-Evangelion threw at him. "Though I wouldn't have pegged Kirei as an Evangelion fan… no, wait, I totally could. 'Angels' come to destroy humanity, betrayals and human suffering left and right? He probably jacks off to it… "

"_**Shut. Up,**_" Berserker said.

"Shut up now," Batman agreed from inside his Batmobile, firing up some missiles, which exploded harmlessly against the torso. "I'm out."

"You two really need to get laid," Archer commented as he sliced another tree he couldn't dodge. "All this deforestation can't possibly be good for flood control."

The fight, such as it was, had been running for some time. They'd managed to lure the thing away from where, as Archer put it, 'important things were going down' and away from the castle in general, but it had torn through a lot o the forest to do it. For it's size, it was ridiculously fast, and the trees barely slowed it down when it wasn't using them for ammo. Archer had lost his cycle early on in a rush attack to try to destroy one of the things ankles to get it to fall, to no effect. Apparently, this one had been reinforced in that area.

They'd been expecting the castle to launch more missiles at it, but none had been forthcoming, and given how fast it moved and all the populated areas behind it, that was probably just as well. Thank goodness they were only buying time.

The Batmobile charged forward, narrowly avoiding a car-sized fist as it streaked towards one leg, brakes squealing as it slid sideways to slam over one foot. Spikes drove into the ground, locking it in place as the jet booster at the back was cranked up to maximum, it's flame automatically setting every bit of underbrush beneath it alight.

Apparently, even pseudo-metal formed from the bodies of incarnations of human evil will melt.

"Trace, on!" Archer cried, calling his bow, a green arrow appearing in is other hand. It had 'TNT' helpfully written on one side. He looked at it and shook his head, recycling it for raw materials into a different arrow, this one dark purple. It had a 'Piffle Princess' logo on it, next to a nuclear hazard symbol. "Fire in the hole!" he cried, drawing back the bow.

Batman set the car's self-destruct (Catastrophic rather than Intimidate), and ejected.

Archer loosed.

Berserker's chains snapped forward to snag Batman and pulled him out of range as the arrow flew past, striking the heat-weakened point.

Archer turned around completely, averting his eyes as Berserker covered Batman with his weird-creepy slice-of-the-night cape.

There was a brilliant flash that looked like it should have been visible form space, and a sudden shockwave sent them all flying as what sounded like the souls of the damned screamed from the explosion. The three were sent flying and tumbling as nearby trees bent away fro the source of the blast. The air overhead whistled with the sounds of flying Batmobile pieces.

The Berserker-Evangelion fell backwards ponderously, trying to catch itself as it fell, and another shockwave erupted as it hit the ground.

Batman deactivated the earplugs in his cowl. "What the _hell_ was that?"

Archer pulled the cotton he'd Traced out of his ears, wincing. "Tactical Atomic Arrow," he said. "Star Sapphire might be a Blue Angel-obsessed lunatic, but she makes good stuff. And by good stuff, I mean scary shit. I can't believe she made a contained nuclear weapon simple enough for me to Trace."

"_**Where was I when that was happening?**_" Berserker asked, the menace-level in his voice slightly elevated.

"I'm sure I don't know," Archer said.

"**($&&()#%#$^^*)^&#^$^*(^)($^*!-!-!-!-!**"

Archer sighed. "While I didn't expect it to be dead, that sound is still very depressing. How long has it been since we ditched the Masters and Saber? Half an hour? Forty-five minues?"

"_**Six hours…**_"

Archer blinked. "And we didn't notice?"

"_**YOU didn't notice…**_" Berserker corrected.

"Wow…" Archer breathed as the Berserker-Evangelion leveled itself to its knees. "Six straight hours… truly, a Hero of Justice is a being beyond mortal capabilities."

"_**The sad thing is I can't tell if you're being serious…**_"

"Big giant robot trying to kill us," Batman reminded them, having long since gotten back on his feet and assessed the situation. "You know, in case you forgot."

Archer shakily got to his feet. Berserker was simply standing, not seeming to have passed through any kind of transition point. Archer created another bow, knocking another purple arrow into it. The Berserker-Evangelion raised its head, its demonic face glaring at them. Pustule-like blasting points erupted from its body.

"Huh. Forgot it had those," Archer said.

They dived aside, each doing their own brand of absurd acrobatics to avoid the blasts. Berserker's size was a point against him in this, in that there was a statistically higher chance he'd get hit then Archer would, but he was still faster and more nimble, and his own mass meant that the purely-kinetic attacks affected him less. Archer kept a Megalomesembrian Shield-sword between him and the Invader, wielding it like it weighed nothing. It was one of the few perks of having an elemental alignment that came out 'swords'. Plus, they were both Servants, and could take a lot of physical punishment. Batman, not as fast or as durable as the two, compensated by using cover and throwing explosives in the path of the blast waves to cancel or reduce them while the other two tried to draw fire away from him.

The forest seemed to getting brighter, Archer noticed. He tried to find the horizon, but there was too much in the way. Still, there was a definite pinkish tinge in the sky he couldn't attribute to light pollution…

...

Emiya Shiro sighed, staring out over the seemingly tranquil forest outside the place they'd spent the night. 'Seemingly' because they could clearly hear the battle that was still ongoing. He'd been surprised he hadn't noticed until a little while ago. Had it really been all night? Rin had pushed him out, saying that they had adjustments to do, or something.

He blushed as he recalled what had distracted him, and sighed. Well, this was probably a one-time thing. He still couldn't believe Saber was King Arthur. He figured she was Joan of Arc or something.

All this, however, was Shiro just trying to think polite thoughts while the rest of his brain and some other attendant organs partied under a banner that read "SHIRO JUST HAD SEX AND HIS FIRST TIME WAS A THREESOME WITH **RIN AND KING ARTHUR! WE ARE SO COOL!-!-!**"

Shiro shook his head. He'd have to forget it for now. He might not survive the run up to the castle if he allowed himself to be distracted by thoughts of how soft Saber's skin was, or how good it felt, or how Rin had done that thing with her tongue, or–

Frantically, he shook his head, wiping the drool form the corner of his mouth and looking down to make sure it wasn't to obvious what he was thinking. Apparently, even a Magus-like physiology could only do so much, and he sighed in relief.

Staring up at a tree branch, Shiro pondered what he could do. It had definitely not escaped him that out of every, he was by far the least useful. Still, that curve was sort of skewed. After all, he was basically just some kid with a simple magic trick his father had taught him– and quite incorrectly, at that, it turned out– thrust into events beyond his comprehension, in the company of people who knew what they were doing, had been doing it far longer than him, and knew what was going on. Who doesn't end up looking like an idiot in that sort of situation? If there were less people around who could do interesting things, then he might be able to give some sort of useful output.

Taking a branch, on the ground, he considered it, toying with a notion he'd been playing with. Archer, Kuro, even Sakura– and had _that_ come as a shock!– had all claimed when asked that what they did was merely a variation of Reinforcement and something called Gradation Air, though Archer referred to it as 'Projection'.

He closed his eyes, analyzing the branch. He'd say one thing about having so many magic experts around, it was wonderful not to be in extreme agony every time he tried to do magic– and being able to actually _do_ magic, for that matter. He let the magic flow into the branch, strengthening and emphasizing aspects of it…

"Is that a bow, Shiro, or are you just _really_ happy to see us?"

Shiro's eyes snapped open, staring up at Rin and Saber, who'd just stepped out from the ruin. He ignored the mass disappoint of the 'party' at the fact both were fully clothed, although there was a hint of a white stain at the top of Rin's stockings. He averted his face to keep them from seeing his blush, although Rin's chuckle made it perfectly clear he'd failed utterly.

The branch in his hands wasn't a branch anymore. It was, instead, a very ugly but seemingly serviceable bow. There was even a bowstring, though he had _not_ idea where that had come from.

"I was just…" he said hesitantly. "I was just thinking that I needed to be able to do something if one of those… _things _is still around. After all, I can't let the two of you do everything. What kind of a man would I be then?"

There wasn't even so much as a flicker or tinge on Saber's face. Shiro really thought there would have been. Rin just grinned her wide, eat-shit (because _she_ certainly wasn't going to) grin. It made him blush even more.

"Shiro is correct," Saber said. "Though the main battle seems to be away from us," she nodded at the general direction of the explosions and screams of tortured metal, with the occasional indistinct cry of a technique, "it would only be wise for the enemy to have spread smaller forces to attempt an infiltration action under its cover. While I can conceivably defend us against any of the smaller ones, the faster we finish them off, the less likely they are to form one of the larger abominations. I would be very surprised if we did not encounter at least one or two on our route back to the castle."

"I'm not going back to the castle," Rin said.

Saber and Shiro, who'd been about to pick up some branches for arrows, blinked. "Rin?" Shiro asked.

Rin glared at where the battle was happening. "Archer still has some explaining to do. If I don't keep an eye on him, the faking little weasel might try to pull something. Go on without me."

"I can't just let you go by yourself!" Shiro said. "It's dangerous!"

Rin rolled her eyes. "Shiro, I think you have more than enough evidence to prove I can take care of myself."

"It's the principle of the thing!" Shiro protested. "As a man, I can't just let you go walking into danger like that! I'll come with you!"

Rin glared at him. "We have sex _one_ time– "

"Seven," Saber corrected her gently. "Or was it 17?"

"– one _night_," Rin continued, "And you think you can tell me what to do?"

She didn't even look embarrassed about it, damn her. "No," Shiro said. "I think we're allies who all agreed to watch each other's backs. You've saved me and watched out for me a lot of times, Rin. At least let me try to repay you back. I don't want to have to explain to Archer why anything happened to you. Knowing him, he'd skewer me."

Rin seemed a bit taken aback by this, as if she hadn't been expecting him to try this argument. "Well, I suppose that's all right, then," she said. "But let's get a move on, all right? I don't want to think of what that faker might be doing behind my back."

Shiro nodded. "I'll just make some arrows…"

...

"I'm going to need better arrows," Shiro said. He desperately wanted to suggest they just turn around and pretend they didn't see this, but he knew enough about both women to know this wouldn't be received at all, never mind 'not well'. Then his brain kicked in with something else. "Saber, don't you _dare_ use your Noble Phantasm on that thing."

"I doubt what mana I have could possibly affect it," Saber said, and even she seemed intimidated. "It's… _big_."

Shiro shuffled nervously.

"Are you going to help or what!-?" Archer cried.

Rin threw a rock in his face.

"Is that a no?" Archer said, once it had fallen off.

"He doesn't have much in the way of a self-preservation instinct, does he?" Batman muttered to Berserker.

"_**None I've ever been able to identify…**_"

"**($&&()#%#$^^*)^&#^$^*(^)($^*!-!-!-!-!**"

"_**Oh, shut up…**_"

The Berserker-Evangelion dashed at them on all fours, its stump not seeming to significantly slow it down as it tore at them in an insane frenzy. It looked like it could do this all day. Berserker seemed to have taken to carrying Batman around, and while he seemed to be quite annoyed by this development, he wasn't objecting.

Shiro considered all this, gave it careful thought, pulled one of the arrows he'd made out of the makeshift quiver he'd also made, slipped it into place, and charged in screaming.

Rin and Saber just stood there, stunned.

"Did he just do that?" Rin said.

"Yes," Saber said, just as disbelieving.

"Is he insane?"

"Probably."

"Why would he do that? Why would he possibly do that?"

"I'm not sure… but it seems like something we should have expected, in hindsight."

"Oh?"

"Remember how he tried to hold me back, the night I was summoned? In the face of Archer and Lancer, no less? One of whom had already killed him?"

"Lousy waste of a jewel…" Rin muttered.

"My point is, we should have realized he possessed these insane, suicidal tendencies sooner. Perhaps if he'd had more opportunities to show how he would react in battle, it would have become apparent."

"Ah. Makes sense."

They paused.

"Why are you still here, when your Master is likely going to get himself killed?"

Saber blinked, eyes going wide, her armoring snapping around her as she charged to protect her moron–, er, Master.

Rin sighed, pulled out some jewels, and, calling herself an idiot the whole while, followed.

Shiro had loosed his third arrow into the Berserker-Evangelion's roaring mouth before some part of his head finally knocked and said, _Um, have you gone insane?_

_A Hero of Justice must do what he can to save everyone!_

_A Hero of Justice is a moron for just charging in like… well, a moron!_

_I do not have time to have pseudo-conversations with myself. I'm busy. Shut up and leave._

_Oh, fine. I'll just think about how I had sex with Rin and Saber._

_Are you insane?-! Do you want me to get killed?-!_

_No, you seem to be doing fine in that area all by yourself. _

_Why does everyone make fun of me!-?_

_I'm _you_, moron! Though this probably says some things about yourself…_

Shiro tried to shut out his brain. It was sounding annoyingly like Archer.

"My Master, you are an idiot," was all he heard, just before Saber tackled him from behind, barely avoiding a wild sweep of the Berserker-Evangelion's hands. "Get back and let us handle this."

Shiro forced himself up. Archer and Berserker had gotten the thing's attention again, but that probably wouldn't last. "No. Rin's here, doing what she can to help. So can I."

"_Rin_ can actually _do_ things to help, Shiro," Saber said. "You can't. You are brave and possibly suicidally insane–"

Shiro sighed.

"– but you can't do anything," Saber continued. "And in these instances, good intentions without ability are lethal to everyone on your side. What could you possibly do?"

"See the battle in your mind!" Archer cried. "Win it in your dreams before you win it for real! If you cannot beat it, imagine what can! Go beyond the impossible and kick reason to the curb!"

Saber glared up at Archer, who was sniping little green arrows with the letters 'TNT' on them next to them. "Do you mind?" Saber said frostily. "I'm trying to be serious."

"And you look very cute when you are," Archer nodded. "Never give up! Never surrender! To infinity and beyond!"

"Will you stop drawing that thing's attention here?-!" Saber exploded. "You'll get my Master killed!"

"He seemed to be doing a good job of that by himself, from what I could see," Archer said.

Saber considered the situation, identified two targets, chose which one to threaten and made her move. "Leave," she said, Excalibur at a little lower than Archer's waist level. Shiro winced and crossed his legs reflexively.

"Leaving now," Archer said, turning to run, then paused. "Good work on that bow, kid. Now if you had a decent blueprint to copy and poured a lot more power into it, you might be able to make something _useful_."

Shiro sighed. "Why do people keep picking on me…?"

A dark-gloved hand picked him up, and pulled him roughly to his feet, pushing him towards the tree-line. "You seem to make it easy for them," Batman growled. "Move. Get to safety."

"But I can help–!" Shiro protested.

Batman glared. "_**Move…**_"

Shiro found himself right where he, Saber and Rin had first seen the fighting, blinking and realizing he only had a vague idea how he got there. "Americans are scary," he murmured, looking down his bow and few (pathetic) arrows.

He glared and sat down on the ground, habit making him put his bow and arrows neatly aside. Idly, he wondered what Archer meant. A blueprint? Why would you need a blueprint for a bow? Unless he meant that mental-image thing he got when he analyzed things with his magic? A conceptual blueprint? That… actually made a lot of sense. Way more sense than the stuff Archer said usually did. Seriously, aglets?

Well, as long as he was here, he might as well try it out. It seemed like good advise. So, what did he have conceptual blueprints of? Well, there was the heater from the school… but that was pretty complicated, and there isn't electricity around for him to test if he got it right. One of those wineglasses Rin had been having him practice strengthening? Goodness knows he had a 2 in 3 breakage rate, but he had the basic blueprint of all _those_ pretty much down…

How did he make the bow again? He used a branch as a raw material… but there were no raw materials for glass around… but then, Archer never had the raw materials for swords around either. Maybe he _did_ know more than just hot air? Shiro concentrated, seeing the 'blueprint' of the glass in his mind. His body burned as magic flowed through it. and then…

A crystal wineglass lay in his hand.

Shiro stared. And started to smile.

"All right," he murmured to himself, looking aver the battle before closing his eyes. "Let's see what else I can do…"

Hadn't he been dreaming about a sword…?

...

They'd managed to get it down to one arm on top of the damage it had already bee inflicted with. That had been good for morale, such as it was.

And all Rin could think of was, _Why couldn't they have pulled his off themselves?_

They'd had all night, and unlike Saber, they weren't limited. Even with Batman to hold them back, they should have been able to inflict more damage. She knew Archer has hiding things, but Berserker should have been able to make another giant robot and crush this thing! Of course, there might be limitations to that particular Noble Phantasm she wasn't aware of...

No, I had to be Archer's doing. He was up to something, the lying little sneak! All that amnesia garbage… HAH! After this was all done, she'd use a Command Seal and MAKE him tell her everything!

"…aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh…!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!"

Rin dodged the stump that tried to weep itself at her, lining up a fully charged Jewel to try and take out its center of mass, or maybe its neck.

"…_aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh…!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!_"

"What…?" Batman said, the barest hint of tiredness in his voice. "Is that noise…?"

Archer titled his head and said, in a vaguely Australian accent, "Crikey. It sounds very much like the battle cry of the rare 'Too Stupid To Live' Moron, a highly endangered specimen best known for earning Darwin Awards."

Rin growled at him. "Amnesia my ass…"

"_Partial_ amnesia," Archer said. "And it's a very nice ass."

Rin punched him in the face and dodged back as the Berserker-Evangelion tried to squash them flat with its good hand.

"…AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH…!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!"

Shiro streaked by, holding a shining sword in his hands. The Berseker-Evangelion, not so stupid as to pass up a target literally charging at it in a straight line like a moron, lunged forward, its good arm sweeping around to hit.

Shiro dodged with un-Shiro-like skill, moving with a grace and reflexes that were… well, definitely not Shiro-like.

Rin stared. "What the hell?"

"…_AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH…!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!_"

Snagging a chink in the armored arm, Shiro leapt up, running up the appendage, sword gripped in both hands, ready to smite.

"That's…!" Saber gasped, staring at the sword in Shiro's hands. "That's my sword…!"

Archer looked at his fingers . "Three… two… one…"

Shiro tripped, falling arse over teakettle off the giant arm and barely being saved by Saber, who managed to catch him and pull him back while the others provided a distraction, his sword breaking into pieces as it hit the ground.

"Shiro, you are a moron," Saber said succinctly as he dragged him back.

"I did it!" he cried, ignoring her, staring at his hands as she dragged him off. "Did you see me? I did it! I made a sword! The one in my dreams!"

Saber paused to stare at him.

Archer patted her on the shoulder. "Not the time, Saber. Here Shiro, why don't you try it with something else…" He thrust Bakuya and Kanshou into his hands.

Shiro stared at the blades, eyes growing slightly unfocussed as he held them in his hands.

"We _don't_ have time for this," Batman growled, now _really_ cranky.

There was a flicker as a second set of blades appeared in Shiro's hands.

Archer patted him on the head as he stared in wonder. "Well done, flea. Now, on to the second lesson: making them go BOOM. Observe. "

Archer threw both blades at the Berserker-Evangelion. Their link made them come together as they flew, impacting opposite sides of the working forearm. It wasn't able to penetrate the armor, but it left a good dent anda big stain.

Shiro threw. The blades wobbled in the air, slapped together and sort of came apart like clay.

"Work on it," Archer advised. "Next time, recreate everything. Hopefully, I didn't just cause a paradox."

"What?" Shiro asked.

"Nothing. Why is there human reproductive ejaculant on my Master's thighs?"

Shiro flushed, looking as if he expected Archer to smite him dead.

Rin punched Archer again, and then Shiro for good measure. "STOP TALKING AND HELP HERE! I'm taking out the head! Maybe that'll keep it from seeing us! Who knows, I might get lucky."

"Didn't you all ready get–"

Rin punched Archer again.

Archer sighed. "Stay behind me, kid," he said. "Trace, on!"

Black and white blades in hand, Archer charged, Shiro clumsily imitating him as the Servant tried to distract the thing while Berserker, Batman and Saber covered the other areas, giving the Invader too many targets. The Invader responded by rearing back and trying to squash them all by falling on them, which they all barely avoided. It's head struck the ground as gravity did it's work, and it started clumsily trying to lever itself back on it's knees.

Rin charged up her gem and threw, managing to get it through the thing's open mouth. "That is such a stupid design flaw!" she cried as it's head mostly exploded.

It kept on trying to stand, even as a hint of red glinted from the ruined skull.

"The red core's in its neck!" Archer cried. "Or at least where the top of the brains stem would be! We need to hi it again! Quick!"

"Trace, on!" Shiro cried, the sword he'd made appearing again in his hands. Up close, it seemed… incomplete, somehow, unfinished, as if it were hollow.

"That's my line!" Archer said. "And don't you remember the last time you tried that?"

Saber reached out and grabbed the sword. Shiro, surprised, held firm. They stared at each other across it.

"I can be useful," Shiro said. "The sword would collapse without me here."

Saber sighed. "Can you run like that again?"

Shiro did, Saber a heartbeat behind. They charged the Invader, holding the same sword…

They leapt, bringing it down to bear on the gleaming red spot. Both the crimson part and the sword shattered on impact…

And finally, the giant Invader began to dissolve…

...

Saber barely managed to land Shiro safely before she collapsed herself, obviously exhausted. Around them, their enemy dissolved into what looked like black dust, wasting away. Archer let out a sigh of relief.

At his side, Rin poked him. "You," she began angrily, "have a lot of explaining to do!"

From the woods to one side, a silver, snake-like streak erupted, darting for the fallen forms of Saber and Shiro.

Archer blurred, a long blade suddenly in his hand as he deflected the sudden attack, throwing it off and causing it to gouge a long streak along the ground.

"What _now?_" Batman asked, annoyed.

Three figures emerged from the woods: a woman, a child, and what looked like a wolf from hell.

"Wolkenritter, I presume," Archer said quietly over his shoulder. "Get out of here, Saber. Grab Shiro, grab Rin, and run. You're too weak to fight now, and these people look like they want to fight."

"Archer…" Saber said, voice tired but determined.

"Go, your Majesty," Archer said quietly. "Let this knight handle this. You have others you need to protect."

Saber looked pained, but began dragging Shiro off.

"Berserker, make sure they gat back to the castle safely!" Archer said, raising his voice, not looking away from the three. The pink-haired woman in the lead stared at him coldly, only a few patches of pink in her dark, red-veined armor. As he watched, the last vestiges of blue faded from one eye, becoming completely gold.

"Archer!" he heard Rin cry. "What do you think you're doing!-?"

"Protecting you, dumbass!" Archer called back. "Berserker, get her out of here!"

"We're not finished, Archer!" Rin cried as Berserker audibly dragged her away. "I'll get the truth out of you if I have to drag it out!"

The child in the black dress and skull-emblazoned hat dashed towards those trying to run, but Archer was ahead of her, the nodachi in his hands flashing. "_In Celebration of Elegant Swordswoman AngelGARd's First Kiss With Her Maguis Albus Ojou-sama Strike._"

The attack tore into Vita, red-veined black cloth exploding off and reverting to deep red as she stumbled back, shocked. One blue and one gold eye stared in confusion.

"You are not getting to them," Archer said simply. "Not unless it's over my dead body."

Signum drew her sword, and Laevatein caught the morning light. "That can be arranged."

Archer smiled. "I forgive you, Rein…" he whispered.

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: Shiro's practicing with wineglasses. Because it seems really stupid to start with antique lamps.

I'd make the scene where Shiro learns initial Tracing better… except the anime and the original game itself is just as lame in the area… The scene were he perfects Tracing, however, is much better.

Lots of reviews, please! And check out the TvTropes Pages!

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	11. Gather, Colors Of The Heart…

A/N: Exactly how powerful Shiro will become…

...

FATE/Holy Grail War of 2814

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 11: Gather, Colors Of The Heart…

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story. If I did… well, this would all be canon. WARNING: MAY CAUSE HEAD EXPLOSION!

...

Archer wondered exactly how much he'd changed from what he remembered. He _didn't_ have any form of amnesia at all, partial or otherwise, but it's really hard to remember exact details of his life, especially if it's been a long time, even if they _were_ important, formative moments. Given how full of terror, chaos, confusion and general madness said moments of his life had been, it was, in hindsight, inevitable. He did know one thing though.

He wasn't going to survive this encounter.

Hewished that he was capable of Tracing Devices. The things he could do with a weapon like Laevatein…

…

Okay… that came out wrong.

He _did_, however, remember how Signum fought. He'd had his ass handed to him by her enough times when he was younger.

Yuunagi met Laevatein, the narrower blade trembling ever so slightly despite Archer's Reinforcement of it.

"Has anyone told you look a little like Saber?" Archer said. "I mean, obviously you look nothing alike, but you're pretty similar, concept- and theme-wise?"

Signum's expression didn't change as she pressed the attack, Laevatein catching fire with a silent command. Clearly, she wasn't in the mood for that conversation. Archer countered, knowing he was losing ground. In a fight of pure skill in swordsmanship, Signum would kick his ass, even augmented with Setsuna's skills imbedded in Yuunagi. He'd never quite gotten to her level in his lifetime. She just had so much more experience than him.

Still, that didn't mean he'd never beaten her in those old sparring matches. He'd just cheated his ass off.

"So," he said as he angled Yuunagi to slide Laevatein, then quickly flicking the blade to counter the dozen counterattacks the knight made, "bathed with Hayate-chan lately?"

Signum hesitated.

Archer hit her in the face with every ounce of Reinforced muscle he could. Her head snapped back, and the flight spell she'd been maintaining to give her added maneuverability sent her flying back, pulling her away from him.

He spun, a chain appearing in his free hand, its nail-like dagger-points streaking for Zafira and Vita, who had tried to go around him while Signum kept him occupied. It pierced through Zafira's flank, and an enraged howl filled the morning woods, while the other end missed Vita, instead stabbing through her hat, and only a quick flick of the wrist caused the chain to curl and wrap around her, securing her. _Rider makes this look easy…_

He pulled, still unable to stop an internal wince as he threw the littlest knight at Signum, Yuunagi coming up to block Zafira's pain-maddened charge. One of the Guardian Beast's claws dug into his arm as its jaw bit at the nodachi, ripping it out of Archer's hands. He let it, using the chain in his other hand to entangle Zafira's claws as much as he could. He threw the guardian beast as far to one side a he could, a Black Key manifesting itself. The throwing-sword flew, imbedding itself deep into Zafira's shadow.

Still facing Zafira, he dodged, Laevatein and Graf Eisen both barely missing him. Another Black Key was Traced into existence, and he threw, straight at Laevatein. Signum deflected with negligent ease.

Archer smirked.

The Black Key slammed right into the taller knight's shadow, stopping her cold.

Graf Eisen slammed into his side, knocking him back. Had he been merely human, this would very well have broken his ribs, perhaps collapsed them into his heart. But heroic spirits didn't die easily. This had been true in life, and in death and Servant-tude had been cranked up to eleven. He was now merely bruised.

Vita pulled back for another attack, but Archer was ready, the air in his hands flickering as he traced. Ensis Exorcizans, the personal weapon of the Twilight Imperial Princess snapped into being in his hands, two-thirds of it still covered in her blood. Downgraded Artifact Weapon met Armed Device, and there was the boom of impact. Vita slammed her hammer for another strike, but Archer spun, catching the hammer on the flat of the blade, causing it to get ripped out of his hands as he kicked Vita away. He was good at swordsmanship, true, better than most who got called to his Class, but he didn't like fighting in these ranges if he could help it. It was too close.

Vita spun in the air, four balls flicking out of her hands as she slammed them with her hammer, sending them streaking towards Archer. He darted back another step as another Ensis Exorcizans appeared in his hands, slashing the balls out of the air, their magic disrupted and their mass broken. He threw the large blade, spinning it into a cutting ring, watching Vita try to smash it out of her way. It broke… and exploded.

Gotta love Broken Phantasms.

As Vita was thrown back form the explosion, stunned, Laevatein caught fire. It cast a bright, dancing light…

And disrupted Signum's shadow.

The pink knight streaked towards Archer, golden eyes calm and murderous, and he barely had time to spin, raising an empty hand. There was a crackling spark and a blaze of gold, and Laevatein met Caliburn, the shining weapon meeting the red-veined, darkening device in a clash of metal. Signum pressed her attack, unimpressed even as a secnd Caliburn that had appeared in Archer's other hand slashed at her head, barely avoided.

"You are holding back," she said, deadpan. "A fatal mistake."

"We'll see," he said.

The two Caliburns were longer than the short swords he usually used for this, but were no less effective. Saber and Arturia had been fond of having him make this. He met Signum stroke for stroke, and with every impact there was a burst of gold and red light as the magics in the blades met. Archer could feel his feet sinking into the ground with each impact, forcing him to keep moving, lest he become stuck. The knight, with flight magic, didn't have this problem, damn her. Signum tried to attack him from unnatural angles above, but he'd spent a lifetime around people who flew. He knew how to deal with that. The Belkan style meant she'd have to close in eventually, and he'd learned most of what he knew of Belkan sword-combat from her.

He was nearly unprepared for when Zafira attacked him from behind, barely reacting to the flicker of movement he saw in time to keep from having his neck snapped. A glow showed Zafira had adapted Signum's trick, growing white spikes around the Black Key to destroy his shadow around it. He realized Vita was stirring, and too late recognized he'd been trapped, each knight surrounding him in a triangular formation. He'd forgotten. Berserker had said it himself often enough recently: just because someone was insane didn't mean they couldn't strategize. Zafira was clearly readying some kind of binding.

It looked like a touch of Nanoha might be necessary. That and a lot of jabbing below the belt. He wasn't as good as Assassin at this, but he was good enough.

"_I am the bone of my sword…_" he murmured. The air began to shimmer as his power began to subtly overwrite the nature of reality, making it more Trace-friendly. "So, what do you think Hayate is having for breakfast right now?"

They all became still at that, Vita's eyes snapping wide in panic.

"That's hospital food's pretty bland and tasteless," he persisted. "I wonder if Shamal will manage to make her something good? After all, this is the woman who sometimes catches the frying pan on fire. _Steel is my body, and fire is my blood…_"

"What do you know about Hayate?" Signum said, and for a wonder there was actual heat in her voice, her teeth gritted in a snarl, though it was nothing like Zafira's own.

"_I have created over a thousand blades__… _I know she's very, very vulnerable. It would be _such_ a shame if something happened to her. Why, with no one but Shamal to protect her, who knows what people who have been wronged by the Book of Darkness might be able to do to her," Archer said, wincing as he begged Hayate's forgiveness. "_Unaware of loss, nor aware of gain…_"

"_**YOU WILL NOT HARM HAYATE!**_" Vita screamed, and for a wonder her voice hit all the notes of terrifying Berserker's usually did. She charged, her eyes maddened with Rage, her Blue eye once more completely gold as she let her anger overtake her. "_**I WILL DESTROY YOU FIRST!**_"

And there it was. The overflow of rage he needed.

"_Withstood pain to create weapons…_" Archer recited, feeling the world begin to change as his overwrite began to gain ontological inertia.

"You have become too dangerous to be allowed to live," Signum said, fire in her eyes. "_Perish now…_" She too charged forward, intending to catch him between Vita and herself.

"_I have no regrets, this is the only path of a hero…_"

Zafira roared, becoming a dark blur, his binding spells forgotten. Anger did _so_ make people do stupid things.

"_My whole life was…_"

They closed in. Archer moved, trying get out of their formation, knowing they'd trapped him but trying to buy time for what he was doing. If he finished it, their formation wouldn't matter…

"_**Unlimited Blade Works!**_"

Fire flashed outward, changing the world. Archer smiled, and drew at the raw material around him, not waiting for the Bounded Field to completely grow. The air around him seemed to explode in bloody flames, throwing the Wolkenritter back.

In the beginning, when the universe was young, Green Lantern Power Batteries, and by extension Power Rings, were made by hand. A being would need to sustain massive, lethal levels of Willpower through the entire process. Actual raw Will is the material used to make Batteries and Rings, congealed into a molten material. The Battery is cast into a mold, and the Ring is summoned from the Battery as it is ignited. The process is so arduous several Green Lanterns working in concert would barely produce one Battery and Ring a day, and would result in extensive neural trauma that would incapacitate them at least a week. Even a Guardian of Oa would find the process stressful, and even at their prime, minor cerebral hemorrhaging was not unheard of, though they were able to produce several in a day.

Archer was not a Guardian of Oa. His Will, while strong, was barely enough to have him considered as a trainee. And this was _not_ Willpower he was working with.

Crimson light seemed to congeal out of the air around the angry knights, taking a consistency like blood. He knew from experience this would hurt like hell. But that was all right. He was used to pain. He Traced, forming the weapon in his memory, the Ring of the Warrior Prince. "_With blood and rage of crimson red…_" he said, as he felt his mind catch fire. "_Ripped from a corpse so freshly dead! Together with my hellish hate, none other shall share in my fate!_"

A crimson ring congealed from the air, seeming to glow with its own fire. "**Emiya Shiro of Earth… A fire burns bright in your heart. Welcome to the Crimson Agency.**"

His blood burned as it settled in his finger. He felt his heart try to stop, and willed it not to, kept it beating as Agent Crimson had taught him when he'd first tried to do this like the idiot kid he'd been. He needed his heart. The plasma rose to his mouth, and he forced it down, forced the anger and hate and rage that was the easiest translation of the red light from overwhelming him. _Passion. Drive. Not just anger. Not just hate. This is just a fuel. Just energy. It can be directed. Channeled. And right now, there are some people I want to direct it at. _

He grinned, and if just the _faintest_ hint of red stained his teeth, he could be forgiven for that. "Know the true power of Unlimited Blade Works. _Burn!_"

A giant Rin formed of crimson energy congealed above him, grinning demonically…

...

The group stumbled towards Einzbern castle, Rin still firmly in Berserker's grip. Saber and Shiro were supporting one another, and it was hard to tell who was reallyhelping who. Batman walked slightly apart from them, frequently looking over his shoulder to check their back trail. He passed slightly during one check, nearly stumbling. "Huh."

"What?" Rin snapped, still unhappy from the turn of events, looking behind her. She stopped dead in her tracks, and nearly got her arm pulled off as Berserker kept moving without her. "_**WHAT THE HELL IS THAT IDIOT DOING!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-!-!-!**_"

They all turned to look. A gigantic crimson shape in a red sweater, miniskirt and thigh high stockings was towering over the trees in the distance, foot stomping down and arms slashing, throwing what appeared to be car-sized crimson jewels that exploded as they hit the ground.

"Big," was all Saber a managed to say.

"THAT BASTARD PROBABLY MADE ME LOOK FATE ON PURPOSE!" Rin raged.

"It doesn't seem that different from what Rin usually looks like…" Shiro ventured hesitantly, some part of him actually _knowing_ that was a very stupid thing to say, but the rest of him didn't listen to it.

Rin rounded on him. "Are you calling me fat?-!"

"N-no!"

Rin glared at him suspiciously.

The front doors of the castle burst opened, and the others rushed out to meet them, Illya in the lead. "What happened? There was a big blast of light, and then– _HOLY SHIT, THAT'S A REALLY BIG RIN!_"

"My, put on some weight, have we?" Luvia said, grinning.

Rin snapped towards Luvia, anger in her features and opened her mouth. Then she seemed to reconsider what she was going to say, and her mouth formed a shark-like grin. "I've just lost my virginity to Shiro. Repeatedly."

The air froze.

Shiro became aware of an immense killing intent nearby, even as he blushed scarlet, torn between a desire to dance like a maniac and sink down into the ground all the way to the United States.

"_**NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!**_" Luvia, Illya and Kuro wailed. Sakura just sighed in wistful regret. Rider, noticing this, twitched slightly.

"We met the Wolkenritter," Saber said, too tired to blush at the memory of the previous night. "Archer's fighting them now."

"Alone?" Miyu exclaimed. "We have to go help him."

"Damn straight," Kuro growled, still eyeing Rin hostilely. "I never got to finish my fight because _someone–_" she glared at Sakura. "– teleported them away!"

Rin blinked, looking at the purple-haired girl.

Sakura shrugged. "I'm Broken, remember? I can do these things."

Rin narrowed her eyes. "Yes, about that–"

Sakura raised a hand. "One second." Then she turned to Batman and, with a movement no one was quite able to follow, touched his chin.

He went down like a ton of bricks, snoring softly.

"No need for him anymore," she said. "He'll just interfere. _**Noble Phantasm! Son of Fortune!**_"

Everyone stared as a car like one of those from the previous night appeared next to her, its door sliding open. Effortlessly, she picked up Batman and put him inside, buckling him in. The door closed, and the car began to drive on its own, moving at a normal driving pace.

There was a moment of silence.

"_**WHAT! THE! HELL! WAS! THAT!**_" Rin cried.

"Did you just use Berserker's Noble Phantasm?" Illya exclaimed.

"Um, yes?" Sakura said.

Lancer and Gilgamesh eyed her warily, as if they were afraid she'd start using their Noble Phantasms too.

"This is getting insane!" Luvia said, jabbing a finger at Sakura, her anger at Rin seemingly temporarily forgotten. "Last night, you were acting all weird, flying around with music blaring and calling yourself Reinforce! Rider-san says you called yourself 'the soul bound to the Book of the Night Sky', whatever that is! And now this! You created a Reality Marble that is supposed to be Kuro's, you can do Magister-type spells, and now you're using Servant's Noble Phantasms! WHAT SORT OF MONSTER ARE YOU?-!"

"Is now _really_ the time?" Sakura said, pointing. "I'll explain later, I promise, but right now, we need to help Archer-san."

Luvia let out a frustrated breath. "Fine! Lancer, come with me! Let's go back up Archer, I suppose."

"I'm coming too!" Rin said, finally wrenching her arm from Berserker. "I can still fight!"

"Gilgamesh," Miyu said quietly. "Come with us."

Gilgamesh just sighed, looking bored. "A king shouldn't have to do such menial things," he said.

"A king does his duty and protects those in his care," Saber snapped, though her voice was weak. "Right now, your duty is to do as your Master wishes."

"Yeah, yeah," Gilgamesh said dismissively.

Saber struggled to her feet, but Sakura put a chastising hand on her arm. "No, Saber-san. You're obviously drained of energy. Go inside, rest and eat. There's not much you can do now."

"Sakura-san filled some food with mana," Rider said helpfully. "It's useful for Servants who need energy."

"Trust us on this," Lancer said in passing. "Let us take care of this, girl. You look like you'd fold under a stiff breeze."

Saber looked annoyed at this assessment, but Shiro proved them right by managing to strong-arm Saber inside the castle, Kuro guiding them. She looked annoyed as well, as if she'd run out to fight if given a choice, but the others had rightly pointed out that she'd been the most injured the night before, and would still need her rest, despite the healing Sakura had apparently done. Berserker, reunited with his own Master, had vanished into spirit form, presumably to rest from the night of fighting. Kiritsugu, Iris and the maids had met them quickly while Illya and Rider had stayed behind in case the castle needed to be defended. Illya had cast lots of suspicious looks Saber's way, in comparison to the blatantly hateful glares she'd thrown at Rin. Kuro had grumbled something about keeping watch, and gone upstairs.

There was indeed food ready in the kitchen and as Saber ate, she was surprised to find that it did, indeed, contain a high concentration of mana that quickly restored her reserves enough for her to start acting like a normal human being and not ache all over. Iris had fawned on the Servant, asking if she wanted more and proving mre food at the inevitable 'yes', while Kiritsugu had sat unobtrusively to one side, drinking a coffe and looking tired, talking to Shiro about what had happened. Shiro had been reluctant to give a _full _account of what had happened after they'd gotten separated, only that they'd managed to hold up somewhere to spend the night. The older man was visibly refraining from asking about Rin's comment, although given Shiro's reluctance he probably had a good idea.

In the midst of all this, Sella had stuck her head into the kitchen, looking strange in maid clothes. "Excuse me sir, lady, but did you really give Kuro permission to take the anti-tank rifle to the tower?"

...

Four Masters and two Servants raced through the forest, heading for the giant Rin, which they could only get brief glimpses of in between the trees. Miyu and Sakura flew, the latter carrying Luvia and Rin. Rin seemed very uncomfortable being so close to Sakura, even if she was being supported by the shadows the purple-haired girl had woven. Gilgamesh looked peeved as if this exertion was beneath him. Lancer just looked eager, in the lead and making the others race to keep up.

They ran until they slammed face-first into an invisible barrier.

"What the– ?-!" Lancer exclaimed, rubbing his nose where it had struck when he'd rebounded.

"A Bounded Field?" Luvia asked as she got to her feet as well. The air in front of them shimmered, like a film of oil over water, obscuring their view, though the giant Rin was still visible. Even as they watched, a giant Hammer seemed to pop out of the forest to smash it down.

"No," Sakura said, pressing her hand against the empty air, watching it stop as if against a wall, frowning as if concentrating. "It's a wide-area dimensional field. It's… essentially, it cuts off a place by putting it slightly out of phase with space-time. The area remains the same, but any damage that happens inside it basically gets undone when the field is dropped, because it happened to the altered space. Only beings with magic can get caught in such a field, unless the field was specified to include otherwise, and even then it must be specified who. Mundanes inside wouldn't notice a thing, they'd still be in normal space. This one seems design to completely isolate. No one in or out of the area of the field."

The others blinked at her.

"How–?" Rin began, but shook her head. "Never mind. Can you get us in?"

"Oh, yeah," Sakura said confidently. "It should be simple. I think I have this very spell. It should be easy to undo it. A simple force field displacer." She raised her hand.

Nothing happened.

She blinked, looking at her hand like in shock, then down at her feet. "Wha–?"

"Matou-san, quit fooling around!" Luvia said.

"I'm not fooling around!" Sakura said, sounding confused. She frowned and seemed to be concentrating, her mouth moving, forming soundless words.

"Sakura, do something already!" Rin exploded. "You said this was simple! Do whatever broken thing it is you do and fix this, broken-girl!"

"I, I can't!" Sakura cried, sounding panicked. "Kaze-neechan isn't answering me!"

"Kaze-neechan?" Miyu said, while the Servants began to look impatient.

"The spirit that lives inside me," Sakura said, eyes wide, hands pressing against her head. "The one that gives me my power, tells me everything I know. She's not responding! I can feel her there, but she's not doing anything!"

The others all glanced one another.

"Kaze-neechan!" Sakura cried, clutching tighter at her head, as if trying to squeeze a miracle out of it. "_Reinforce!_"

...

Deep within, Reinforce curled in on herself, feeling unshed tears rising to nonexistent eyes. _I'm sorry, Sakura-chan,_ she thought in her heart. _But this is what _must_ happen. For the sake of my Queen… Oh, Shiro! I'm so sorry!_

...

Archer fought the urge to just let loose with plasma, to sear the flesh from the Wolkenritter's bones and reduce them to molecular ashes. The crimson flames had erupted once from his mouth already, and had come dangerously close to stopping his heart twice. How did Agents Crimson _do_ this all the time?

Vita had finally locked them down with a dimensional field, the three now obviously concentrating on him. Good. Just as he wanted. He supposed that with the influence of Avenger and the Grail holding them, combined with their innate drive to complete the Tome of the Night Sky for Hayate, forward planning had been eschewed for instant gratification. Greed, while less controlling– theoretically– still made you do stupid things, as Batman could attest.

…hmm… he wondered what Larfleeze was doing…

Shedding away the thought, Archer rolled awkwardly in the air. The knights had infinitely more experience in aerial fighting than he did, but his energy aura hampered them in that regard. Maddened or not, Zafira wasn't so crazy as to actively touch someone who was, technically, covered in fire. Or crimson psycho-reactive plasma, as the case may be. Still, that was bad. The Guardian Beast had shifted to humanoid mode, looking like a rabid werewolf about to transform (and Archer spoke from experience, specifically one time in Nevada with the Spectre and Detective Chimp) and had begun throwing binding spells at him. The nature of the crimson light allowed him to burn through those eventually but they slowed down his movement, making him need to use the ring more for active offense and defense.

It appeared that as the fight continued, the steady rhythm allowed their long, deep-rooted camaraderie and synchronization to rise above the mind-altering effects of the Grail, since their instincts and subconscious were not yet stained by it. Archer hated fighting people who drew so obviously on the Power of Friendship. It made him feel guilty. He'd have to break their rhythm, have them need to use conscious thought, make the Grail mess with their heads to slow them down. And with the Wolkenritter, it was always painfully easy to do. He'd hate himself for it– his aura glowed brighter at the thought, self-directed as it was– but he'd need to gather the colors for his plan anyway…

Crimson swords materialized around him constantly, acting both as weapons and walls, each perfectly formed and detailed to the last atom, no matter they were all plain, no-name swords. The fact they were made of crimson plasma was good enough. He sent a score to pin Zafira while he used Unchained Knuckle– and thank you for _that_, Subaru, Nove– to break himself out of his latest bind while he blasted Signum back with a multi-layered bubble. She'd be out in moments, but that would be long enough. He'd need to provoke the knights individually for this to work, and he might as well start with the easiest one.

He charged at Vita, feeling plasma rising to his mouth again. Archer's eyes had long-since gone red, but that didn't really affect his vision. Layers of spinning swords whirled around him, a cuisinart of death version of the layered mandala defense Yuuno was so fond of using. Would be so fond? Ah, whatever. He directed one side to spin a hair slower as he charged, the others moving to try and pin the knight. She smahed through, her hammer striking the blade in groups as he let them dissipate, lulling her into believing she was about to overwhelm him. to her credit, there was little sham involved.

Suddenly, he pointed at a random direction, wide-eyed. "Look! It's Hayate, naked, covered in chocolate ice-cream, and obviously ready to have sex with someone!"

The Grail had obviously also not yet affected their libido. Vita's head spun to look where Archer pointed so fast he was worried she'd break her heck, a near-audible crack echoing in the air, her movement actually making her spin a little. Golden eyes flickered to blue ever so briefly, the black knight armor flickering back to red. A pinkish-violet dust seemed to congeal around her as Archer called for Unlimite Blade Works to provide him with material.

"Where?" Vita demanded, voice angry but fight seemingly forgotten.

"Here," Archer said, sending his old memories of Hayate down the ring as best as he could, and launched his latest weapon.

When Vita turned back, anger and a hint of embarrassment on her face as she realized she'd been tricked, Hayate stood before her, formed of red light. It was naked, although the body was indistinct and anatomically incorrect, like an Akamatsu drawing. Yet the face was perfect, like a statue in blood, the eyes sad.

"My dearest Vita-chan," the image of Hayate said to the suddenly frozen knight, whose eyes flickered from gold to blue like TV static. "What are you doing? You're hurting all these people! I didn't want that! I just wanted… to be able to live with Vita-chan… and the rest of my family. I just wanted to be happy with you. Weren't you happy with me, Vita-chan?"

"H-hayate-ch-chan?" Vita stuttered. Her dress settled to red, her eyes blue.

The figure stepped closer. "Don't you love me, Vita-chan?"

The pinkish-violet dust thickened around the knight, drifting circumspectly to Archer's waiting hands. A crystal began to form.

"H-hayate…" Vita breathed. Blue down began to drift from her as well.

Their lips met.

Vita closed her eyes in obvious pleasure–– and snapped them open again, golden eyes boiling with sky-searing rage. Her knight armor exploded into black, the crimson veins pulsing and now a finger-width wide. Graf Eisen smashed through the Hayate-construct, but Archer had what he needed. He sent waves of constructs at Vita, wide, undulating things that were like crosses between walls of fire, spiked boards and waves of sand. They pushed her back, growing stronger as she attacked in anger, yet even the positive resonance she exuded didn't strengthen them enough to keep her from breaking them. Yet they bought Archer time.

Before he could use that time, however, bindings wrapped around his legs, white spikes locking him in place. His aura began to eat through the magic even as he directed mana down his own legs to hasten the process, spinning as well as he could, unable to use Unchained Knuckle. The sword in his hand, Traced rather than a construct, Caliburn, met Laevatein as Signum aimed for his back, even as tentacle-like red tendrils snapped at her, trying to maneuver her away from an advantageous position. This was easier said then done, since his instincts could only warn him so far, and he was barely able to understand the direct sensor feed from his ring. Seriously, how could Nanoha stand it?

Then he remembered one of Nanoha's favorite tactics for when she needed certain kinds of tasks done, and concentrated on his ring…

A Vita made of red plasma erupted from his aura, the constructs giving voice to a cry of "HAYATE!" as its hammer met a Signum's own Device. A visible shockwave passed through Signum as the construct attacked, unrelenting, teeth bared fiercely. The plasma finally ate through the Steel Yoke as Archer threw Caliburn at Zafira, Breaking it as it left his hand. The Guardian beast dodged, but it exploded, sending him flying against a tree, where he collapsed, groggy. Darting back to gain some distance, Archer concentrated onf the pinkish-violet crystal he'd managed to gather in his hand, trying to keep his mind on images of Rin, of Saber, of Arturia, and Luvia, and his sisters, his parents…

"_For hearts long lost and full of fright…_" he recited, thinking of the bond between Nanoha and Fate, Chrono and Amy, Negi and… well, a lot of people. His parents, Rin, Saber Arturia, Luvia, Illya, Kuro… "_For those alone in blackest night…_"

"YOU DARE!" Vita cried as she smashed through the last of his walls, forcing him to stumble back, unable to spare the concentration to fly. "YOU _DARE_ TRY TO USE HAYATE AGAINST ME!" More pinkish-violet dust. "I WILL _CRUSH_ YOU!"

"_Accept our ring and join our fight…_" he finished. "_Love Conquers All– with violet light!_"

In his hands, the Ring of the Ravager formed. "**Emiya Shiro of Earth… there is great love in your heart. Welcome to the Star Sapphires.**"

The ring snapped into his other hand, its pinkish-violet aura expanding, warring with the red haze around him.

"**Threat to love, detected. Purification is required. Beware the Power of Love! All are loved in the bosom of Sakura-chan!**"

Yup, definitely Tomoyo's ring.

The violet energy flowed through him, as bad as the red. There was a reason love led to murder so often. The two colors were technically right beside each other. An obsessive madness seemed to overcome him, which mixed disturbingly well with the murderous haze in his mind. He remembered Star Sapphire once told him that the ring sometimes caused insanity in its recipients. The lines between love, lust and obsession were fine ones, and some without inner strength ended up playing jump-rope with those lines. Or as Evangeline had put it: "It will drive you mad. It will control you, and bind you to its purpose. And you will devote yourself to it whole-heartedly." The other colors had tongue-in-cheekily given it a term that translated closest as 'The Yandere Effect'. Tomoyo said she'd never had a problem with it, claiming she was immune. Everyone else who knew her except Sakura assumed this was Tomoyo-speak for "I'm already so crazy I didn't notice".

Archer knew how to deal with this too. The Wolkenritter weren't the only ones with loved ones to protect. And he was already a little crazy in that regard anyway.

As Signum and Vita tore apart his Vita-construct, Archer concentrated on the pinkish-violet crystal ring on his hand and, in a fit nostalgia, dropped an enormous camcorder on their heads.

Archer smirked, and began to gather hope…

...

Kuro blinked as she stared into the sight of her gun. "Was that a giant pink camcorder just now?"

One either side of her, her parents and the maids nodded wordlessly.

"What they heck is going on there?" she muttered, before loading the next shell and continuing trying to shoot through the barrier…

...

It was taking some time for the idea that they might be in trouble to filter through the Wolkenritter's Grail-warped minds.

Archer blasted Signum full force with the violet ring, trapping her in crystal while he used the other to hound Zafira, sending car-sized sharks with chainsaw teeth. Another fit of nostalgia. He himself met Vita head-on, swords of metal, fire and crystal around him. Burns and cuts covered all of them, but they all fought on, relentless. Vita's hammer shattered the crystal pillar Archer used as a shield, exploding into a disorienting dust, making the knight reel. With practiced ruthlessness, Archer made his own hammer, the intertwined crimson and violet light construct slamming down onto Vita like divine wrath, flattening her to the ground. She tried to get up, but he stuck again and again, each impact rendering the knight a little less able to rise, despite likely being able to crush a normal person outright, let alone a child.

Finally, he trapped her in crystal, but even as he did, a crash reverberated through the highly abused battlefield. The remains of Signum's crystal lay around her, the violet substance warped and stained black in places, clearly infected, though that hadn't been enough to destroy it. No, that had been Zafira, who was already streaking towards him, hands clasped around crystals like daggers. Signum still lay stunned, tears in her eyes as her gold-flecked blue eyes stared sightlessly upwards, her mouth silently forming the word "Hayate".

Archer slammed the power of the rings at him, no attempt at finesse or constructs, merely force. They slammed against Zafira's shield, the energy flowing around him even as the temperature rose and crystals began to grow on the barrier, pushing him back. Signum started to rouse. Her eyes she turned slowly, as if lost, but when she saw Zafira was in trouble her eyes focused, Laevatein bursting into flame in her hands. A cartridge loaded , and the sword extended into a whip– and slammed open the crystal holding Vita, which had already begun to darken in patches.

The crystal shattered even as Zafira was thrown back. "HAYATE!" Vita screamed, voice heart-wrenching, tear-filled blues eyes staring as she clutched herself tightly, Graf Eisen falling from her nerveless grasp. "_Hayate!_"

"Vita…" Signum murmured in concern, involuntarily taking a step towards her before she caught herself, turning to Archer ,sword raised as sparkles of Indigo light began to gather around her. "What are you doing, mage?-! How do you know about Hayate?-! Answer us!"

Archer could feel Unlimited Blade Works weakening him, but he kept it up, needing its properties. Compassion was rare, and he'd need every scrap. "She's in pain, you know," he said matter-of-factly, letting his rings dim. He knew this fighting wouldn't last a day, but given how inefficient he was being, he'd need to conserve their charge. "Hayate-san. The infection causes agony in her chest, and she feels like something is crushing her heart. Why aren't you by her side, holding her hand? Why aren't you there to comfort her?"

Signum stepped back as if she'd been slapped, even as Vita shakily picked up her hammer, tears in her eyes, glaring at Archer. Zafira growled feebly, trying to rise.

"We're not there because we're trying to save her!" Vita cried at him. "We're here because we're trying to complete the Book of Darkness so that it no longer takes power from Hayate-chan!"

"And you think you _can_?" Archer said. "The Book has been passed on for ages. Everyone who wields it dies. Why should she be the exception?"

"Because she _has_ to be!" Vita screamed. "WHO ARE YOU? HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH? _HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HAYATE? __**NO ONE IS SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT HAYATE!**_"

"I know… because it is my place to know," Archer said. "Haven't you wondered who put the entry about the Holy Grail War in the pages of the Book? Aren't you curious to know why, of all people in this world, it went to Hayate? It could so easily have gone to some power-mad mage, or some fool who'd treat it like a toy, and you as his slaves. Such things have happened before, right? It was all according to a plan."

They glared at him, and slowly the gold began to fill their eyes again. Then, surprisingly, Zafira spoke. He voice was low a guttural and not so far removed form a growl, but it seemed strangely lucid. "Vita," he said. "Where's your hat?"

The two blinked at him in confusion, and Vita's hand reached up to her head, seemingly surprised there was nothing there. "What–?" she said.

Archer pointed. It lay crumpled at the base of a true, trodden on and slightly charred. "You lost it early in the fight. I'd speared it through with a dagger. You didn't even notice."

Vita stared in disbelief. "Wha-? NO! I couldn't have! It's my– Oh my Hayate, what have I done? What have I been _doing?_"

"What happened to us?" Signum said, staring at her own hand in horror, as if only noticing then that her knight armor was black with red veins. Golden dust began to fall from around her. "Why do we look like this?-!"

Zafira was growling now, but he seemed to be struggling with himself. He glared at Archer. "You did something to them," he accused. "You cleared their minds somehow. "

Archer tiled his head slightly in acknowledgment.

"Do it to me," Zafira demanded.

Wordlessly, Archer encased him in violet crystal. Soon, black stains began to infect it, creeping outward from Zafira, leaching into the structure around him. A second crimson shot shattered it, and Zafira collapsed, parts of his armor now blue again, eyes now partly crimson again.

"The process is shoddy, and truthfully won't be much good," Archer said as the other knights moved to support him, glancing warily at Archer. The Bounded Field flickered. He was running out of time. "But it reaffirms your love for Hayate, allowing you to temporarily rise above the influence that has captured you."

"How do you know all this?-!" Vita demanded. "Answer us, damn you!"

Archer made a show of thinking about this. "No."

Crystals and gouts of red plasma flame lanced towards them, nearly taking them by surprise, but Zafira moved, recovering faster than the other two had, imposing himself between them and the attack, a barrier rising before him. It wasn't enough this time, however, and they were all slammed back, tumbling through the field.

"Hayate is going to die, and there is nothing you will able to do about it," Archer said. "But rest assured, that will be the least of your worries. Because I intend to crush you like the insects you are."

More golden dust seemed to shower around them, but it was quickly joined by emerald sparks. "No," Signum said levelly. "You shall not. We will _not_ fail our mistress."

Blue wisps began to gather around Vita. "We _will_ save Hayate! We will defeat you, take your core for her, and make you _tell_ us all you know!"

Six colors. That had to be enough. No one around here was any good at greed anyway.

The three knights charged, more themselves than they had been in days as Archer sent constructs in red and violet flying at them, Noble Phantasms and nameless swords materializing themselves to be shot. The knights powered through the storm, guarding each other now, supporting one another, gold, green and blue material swirling around them, ignored. Unlimited Blade Works flickered.

Even as Archer tried to form the rings he'd need, he realized there wouldn't be enough time. He power was dropping, and he couldn't draw much more from Rin. In his mind, he spoke the words that had become part joke and part prayer. _Oh, woe is me. Only a Deus Ex Machina can save me now…_

A voice came to him, soft, warm and comforting. _Hello, Shiro-kun. I'm sorry I couldn't help sooner._

Reinforce.

...

"So, you've lost you powers, is that it?" Rin demanded at Sakura.

Sakura shook her head. "It's not that I've lost them, it's that I don't know how to use them to destroy this field! She's not telling me!"

"The voice in your head," Rin said in anger and a little disgust.

"It's like she's ignoring me!" Sakura said. "Why are you doing this, Reinforce?"

Rin growled again as Luvia and Miyu tried what they could to break the field, with no success. She pressed closer to Sakura, grabbing her forearm. "Look–!" Rin began.

She never got to finish.

A triangular symbol erupted beneath Sakura, and before they knew what was happening, power began to flow from Sakura to Rin in a torrent. Rin's hand convulsed tight, locking around Sakura' forearm as they cried out…

...

Power filled Archer.

_Make the most of this, _Reinforce said, and she was gone. Unlimited Blade Works firmed.

Archer gathered power, sending constructs to drive the Wolkenritter back, darting around himself, warping air and light to render himself invisible, using every pre-programmed ring-trick he could remember, hoping to buy time. Compassion first. He spun the Indigo light, the stream of seeming nonsense coming from his mouth as he finished. It wrapped itself on the finger next to the violet one.

Hope came next, while there was still some of it around. "_In fearful day, when without light…_" he chanted as he dodeged increasingly more coordinated attacks, struggling to divide his attention between attack, defense, movement and creation, blood streaming from his nostrils. "_With my heart full, my soul ignites. When all seems lost, and black as night, look to her star, for Hope burns bright…_"

The ring spun, joining the other two as a wave of unbridled optimism erupted outward, momentarily stunning the knights with sheer mood whiplash. Words seemed to echo through the air.

_Zettai daijōbu da yo…_

_Everything will be all right…_

_All will be well…_

"Wh-what–?" Vita exclaimed, confused, even as Archer made another ring.

"_In brightest day, through Blackest Night…_" Archer chanted, "_No evil shall escape our sight… _"

"Ignore it!" Signum cried, as she let loose a whirl of fire, momentarily clearing the area around them. "Don't stop!"

Archer gathered the will she had released as more blood trickled form his nose. "_Let those who worship evil's might, beware our power… __**GREEN LANTERN'S LIGHT!**_"

Nanoha's ring formed before him, Ring-chan waking. "**Emiya Shiro of Earth… you have the ability to overcome great fear. Welcome to the Green Lantern Corps.**"

The Wolkenritter closed in.

"Ring-chan, initiate overkill construct buffering mode," Archer said as he darted back, "Load Book of Oa forbidden construct 3. Aim to miss."

"Loading."

Light gathered above.

"Million…"

Vita blinked, staring. "That light… that energy…"

"Green Lanterns…"

Vita's eyes opened wide, pure fear filling her, filling the area around them with golden material. "I know this power!"

"Starlight…"

"Vita?" Signum said, looking at her in concern as they pressed on, the things Archer had been sending at them petering out.

"Breaker…"

"This is _HER!_"

"RAIN!"

Everything became a nightmare of green…

...

"ARGH!" Gilgamesh cried along with everyone else, except for Rin and Sakura, who were still crying as power flowed through them. "DAMNED GREEN! I'VE GONE BLIND!"

...

"AH!" Kuro cried, taking her eyes away from her scope. "I've gone blind!"

...

"BLOOD CROWS AND FURIES!" Tavi cried as he covered his own eyes. "I've gone blind!"

"Hells bells!" Harry agreed. "Stars and stones!"

...

Two astronauts floated above the Earth, looking down upon it.

"It never gets old, doesn't it?" one said.

"Nope," the other agreed.

"It kinda makes you wanna…"

"Burst into song?"

"Yep."

One spread his hands. "_I love the mountains…_"

"_I love the clear blue skies…_"

"_I love…_"

From Japan, green light exploded.

"_**Oh, shit, I've gone blind!**_"

"_**The visor, it does nothing!**_"

...

Takamachi Nanoha slept soundly under her blankets, untroubled by the feeling someone had just stolen he schnicht, as her phone's alarm beeped to tell her to wake up…

...

The three Wolkenritter groaned, barely conscious. Around them, the world had been reduced to a deep crater out of an environmentalist's deepest nightmares, or possibly a set-piece from Lord of the Rings during the Mordor sequences.

Above them, Archer smiled grimly, one hand outstretched, golden light gathering as he chanted to form the last right. "_In blackest day, in endless night…_" he intoned. "_We turn our fears into our light! _"

Vita groaned as she struggled to open her eyes, struggled to stand, struggled to do _anything_.

"_Let all who wish to do what's right…_" Archer finished. "_Join HER order, make tomorrow bright!_"

She managed to turn over, staring up at the golden light that had joined the red, pinkish-violent, indigo, blue and green– the Hayate-damned _GREEN!– _above them.

A ring formed above Archer's hand as he wiped the blood trickling slowly down from his face and ears. "**Emiya Shiro of Earth… you have the ability to control great fear. Welcome to the Order of Fate.**"

It joined the red and green rings in his left hand, shining brilliant gold. Glowing with power, Archer descended on the helpless Wolkenritter as Vita struggled to stand. A sword formed in his hands…

"_Zanmaken Ni-no-Tachi! In Celebration Of Elegant Meido Swordswoman AngelGARd's First Kiss With her Magus Albus Oujo-Sama Strike!"_

_All will be well…_

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: For some reason, I keep imagining a sort of Bad End Elseworld where Cassandra goes insane and becomes the Joker and kills Batman and all those who replace him, Illya is the latest Batman, Supergirl and Negi had a daughter, and everyone else is dead. Maybe I'll make it into an actual Elseworld in a later story…

Archer, the one-man spoiler!

Forming a ring is basically forming congealed, molten emotion into a shape and activating it (GL canon). Trace magic was merely used to assist. If Archer had tried to do it without UBW, his brain would have exploded. Since the raw materials aren't easy to get, he actively needs to provoke emotional responses to gather the 'emotional exhaust' needed. And he considers it 'violet' or 'pinkish-violet' because he draws the line at pink.

_PLEASE_ leave lots of reviews, I worked really hard on this…

I've just read MSLN FORCE. I like 'Clothing Shop Girl/Escape Route Guide' Isis-chan! She's really nice! Veyron looks like an evil Squall Leonhart. There is, in fact, a lot of FF8-ness in FORCE. Lily, obviously, is some kind of experimental Unison Device. That's what Fuu, er, Cypha is implying.

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	12. Death, And Lots Of Her

A/N: Good to hear such enthusiastic reviews from last chapter. It's the most-reviewed chapter of the fic! Thank you all! Very good for my ego. Now, let's see if I can pull it off again…

...

FATE/Holy Grail War of 2814

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 12: Death, And Lots Of Her

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story. If I did… well, this would all be canon. WARNING: MAY CAUSE HEAD EXPLOSION! Really wish someone would rec this. TvTropes, dattebayo!

...

"LET GO!" Rin managed to scream through the burning agony of mana coursing through her body in amounts in wasn't supposed to, through paths and ways it wasn't meant to travel, and not one drop of it in her control. "STOP IT!"

"I CAN'T!" Sakura cried, slightly more use to sudden rushes of power not directly being guided by her passing through her body. "_YOU'RE _HOLDING ON TO _ME_!"

"Would someone _care_ to explain what's happening?" Gilgamesh growled, annoyed and still rubbing his eyes, the flicking green afterimages not helping his temper. "What have those two been yelling about?"

"Sakura's been pumping energy into Rin," Luvia growled, just as ill-tempered. "Apparently involuntarily. I think it's safe to assume that the spirit Sakura mentioned has just assumed control. See, _this_ is why you don't mess around with spirits offering you power!"

"Should I try breaking the connection, Luvia-sama?" Miyu asked, holding up Magical Sapphire.

"The feedback might kill them both!" Luvia said. She paused, eyeing Rin speculatively. "Anyway it can hit just Tohsaka?"

"Luvia-sama…" Miyu chided.

"You're right, too complicated," Luvia said. "Lancer, do you think you can–?"

"_Luvia-sama!_"

"What?" Luvia said, vaguely orange gleam deep within her eyes. "Isn't this the point of the Holy Grail War? Who are we kidding with all this cooperation non-sense? I can't win the war if we're all just going to sit here playing nice, and–"

Miyu stepped forward, and the moment became complicated…

_SLAP!_

Luvia's head snapped back as Gilgamesh negligently countered Lancer's attempt to block Miyu, the two Servants locked as the blonde Master reeled, one hand to her face. Miyu's hand was still raised from her slap, her face as blankly expressionless as it usually was when Illya wasn't around.

"Get a hold of yourself, Luvia-sama," Miyu said softly. "Now isn't the time."

Luvia stared at Miyu in wide-eyed surprise. The hand on her face trembled. Around them, Rin and Sakura continued crying out, while Lancer and Gilgamesh continued countering each other, the golden armored hero randomly throwing weapons in a bored fashion while the blue knight kept trying to get past him at Miyu. Slowly, she lowered her hand.

"Lancer, stand down," Luvia said, sounding bitter. "No killing Tohsaka, I suppose."

"Gilgamesh, you can stop now," Miyu said.

"Hmm?" Gilgamesh said as he stood with his foot in Lancer's throat, the knight's spear in one hand and a big sword in the other. "Did you say something?"

Miyu grabbed his nose and pulled him off the fallen hero. "Bad Servant. No cookies for lunch."

"_UNHAND ME, WHELP!_"

Luvia sighed, glared hatefully at Rin, then turned to look through the barrier. Even through the spots in her eyes, she could see a distinct lack of trees. She glanced at Rin again, trying to gauge the power flowing through the two girls and cursed. "What are you doing Archer?" she muttered.

...

Vita knew pain.

It began at her skin. The feeling seemed hot and cold, like one of those weird spicy menthol candies. Her skin burned and froze, the two sensations intermingling together. It felt like it would crack like an egg, breaking up into pieces. The sensation seeped deeper, and she felt her limbs, her muscles start to writhe and twitch and spasm wildly as pain ripped through them. She was aware of air passing through her throat, felt her vocal cords vibrating, but couldn't hear her own voice screaming through the agony. The rocks and dirt and random chunks of wood that used to be trees digging into her became irrelevant. There was only pain.

It went deeper, and her bones felt like they'd turn molten, felt as if the cold of the empty void filled their being. A distant corner of her mind felt they should turn liquid, or crack like glass as she thrashed about. She felt her nails clawing at her own skin, trying to rip the offending calcium formations out and away from her to end their cruelty. Even her _hair_ felt like it was in agony.

Deeper it sank still, into her torso, her skull. Burning star-matter and liquid nitrogen filled her lungs, and her stomach wanted to spew out snow and lava. Her head had the world's worst case of brain freeze, and she wanted to smash it open to relieve the building pressure. And her heart…

Agony did not begin to describe it.

She cried, and she dimly realized she was crying Hayate's name, and didn't care. She was dying, and she wanted her last thoughts to be of Hayate. She wanted to remember her smile, her kindness, the way she treated them like family. Dimly, ever so dimly, she vaguely recalled the idea of masters that had treated them that way. The thought lay in the fossilized depths of her memory, just as there lay the idea of memories of masters who had seen them as mere tools, and masters that used them for their pleasure, and the slightly stronger memory of battle and victories, and loss, and stupid old Belkan jokes whose punch lines she always seemed to get wrong, and an ever-distant childhood that had been taken from her. Yet all this was eclipsed by memories of Hayate.

Hayate, and the cute way she had fainted when they'd first appeared. Her ingenious lying skills to excuse their sudden appearance. Her (slightly worrying) enthusiasm at measuring them up for new clothes. The wonderful food she cooked. The way she breathed when she slept. How she sometimes ended up pressing against Vita sometime in the night. The way she smiled at, well, just about anything!

"Hayate-chan," she said, the agony suddenly fading away, as a deeper, more personal pain washed over her, tears coming to her eyes. The realization they'd failed. "I'm sorry…"

_All will be well…_

The agony, so insignificant now compared to their failure, reached her heart.

The air seemed still, silent. And then, there seemed to be a 'snap'. A cool feeling filled her chest, washing outward. The pain faded from her, filling her body with a sense of tranquility, like she'd just woken up from a good sleep in a bed that felt nice and cozy, and wanted to do nothing else but laze away for the next hour or so, suspended between true sleep and true waking. Groggily, fighting against the desire to just lie back and vegetate, she opened her eyes.

Hayate's image in blue smiled down on her, not naked as before, but wearing the sleepwear Vita found so cute. The knight realized her head was on it's lap, and one hand was gently stroking her hair. The image said nothing, did nothing but stroke her hair, obviously trying to comfort her. Vita lay back, a bit confused. The rage did not rise. She tried to lever herself up, and the blue image gently but firmly held her down. Still, Vita was able to take in the rest of the area.

Close to her Signum also lay collapsed, ghostly blue images of Hayate and Shamal tending her, her head in the latter image's lap. She seemed to be still dazed, moving weakly. Zafira was in the same position, his own image of Hayate stroking his ears as well as his hair and giggling.

And above them swirled a dark, ominous mass, like smoke with the properties of an oil slick. Tendrils of it seemed to be reaching for the tree knights, yet was drawing away even as she watched. It sickened Vita to look at it. it was wrong, evil, unholy, Hayate-damned, unnatural, an affront to existence. It _shouldn't_ be, shouldn't exist it had to go away…!

Their opponent faced it, ignoring them now, glaring up at the thing, the rings on his fingers glowing brightly with their rainbow lights, gleaming off the long sword he held, and random symbols floated around him. A cage of light had been woven around the dark mass in all colors, and it struggled to escape, trying to ooze around it, but to no avail. Every time it tried, color flared, making it real back as if burned.

Blood trickling faintly from both nostrils, ears and the corners of his eyes, their opponent held out a hand and spoke a single, ominous word. "_**MINE!**_"

Orange light tricked from the black thing, forming a seventh ring. It joined the set in his left hand, and he twitched, teeth barring. He stared up at the cloud, reaching up a hand as if to touch it, but drew back, and clearly steeled himself. He glared, and the red ring on his finger seemed to glow brighter. "You've caused a lot of trouble, haven't you?" he said, and Vita couldn't tell whether he was speaking to the cloud or to himself. "Krona really screwed up the universe, waking you up. First Parallax, then the Manhunters… why couldn't you be Taxes instead? You're giving Telute-sama a bad name. And it's still going to get worse… Damn you, Nekron."

With a snarl, he took a step back, slipping the Nodachi through a sudden sheath as a golden sword appeared in his hands. "TRACE, ON!" he cried. The sword began to glow, quickly eclipsing the light of the rings in his hands. It took on a blue hue seeming to shine brighter, as if the color magnified its power. "Nothing is overkill when it comes to destroying you, is it? After all, one must never underestimate the power of the Grail. How did she put it…? Ah. '_Become the light which pierces everything. Tear through everything in a blaze of light!_' EX-"

Vita had a moment to realize what he intended when the sword flared with blue light, the air around it seeming to scream as it was suddenly superheated. She averted her eyes.

"-_CALIBER! In Celebration of Sakurazaki Setsuna's First Kiss With Her Knoka Ojou-sama Strike!_"

The Shinmeiryu technique, augmented exponentially with the power of Hope, and channeled through the most famous, most powerful holy sword known to man as it was used as a Noble Phantasm, tore through the black mist, destroying it utterly like a cobweb in the heart of the sun. The blue image of Hayate interposed itself between Vita and the light, but even this wasn't enough to block the sight of it completely. Even through her eyelids, Vita saw spots.

...

"ARGH!" Luvia cried along with everyone else, except for Rin and Sakura, who were still crying as power flowed through them, as the air suddenly flared like a blue nuclear blast. "WHAT THE HELL? THAT'S TWO IN ONE DAY, AND IT'S NOT EVEN NINE YET! WHAT THE HELL IS ARCHER DOING OVER THERE? OH, GOD, I'VE GONE BLIND!"

...

"AH!" Kuro cried, taking her other eye away from her scope. "I've gone blind! Again!"

...

"GREAT FURIES DAMN IT!" Tavi cried as he covered his own eyes. "NOT AGAIN!"

"I'VE GONE BLIND!" Harry screamed, rubbing at his eyes.

...

Two astronauts floated above the Earth, looking down upon it.

"Damn, what was that?" one said.

"Nuclear blast?" the other suggested.

"In Japan?"

"Maybe there was an earthquake, completely destroying Tokyo, yet allowing it to use secret new technology to not only recover, but become _the_ cultural, economic and technological center of the world in just ten years?"

"Like San Francisco?"

"Ooh, burn."

"But I still feel like signing…"

"Totally. Let's go."

One spread his hands. "_I love the mountains…_"

"_I love the sun so bright…_"

"_I love…_"

From Japan, blue light exploded.

"_**Oh, shit, I've gone blind!**_"

"_**Damn it, not again!**_"

...

Takamachi Nanoha slept soundly under her blankets, still untroubled by the feeling someone had just stolen her schnicht, as her phone's alarm beeped to tell her to wake up. Unknown to her, her ring momentarily topped off at 200 percent, then slinked back down to a mere hundred.

...

The air screamed like someone being forced to watch Twilight, the Percy Jackson or Airbender Movies as the blast roared from the sword. Energy washed outward, and across Fuyuki, people who'd noticed the pair of colorful blasts suddenly felt very good about the upcoming day, as if absolutely nothing could go wrong. And those blasts were probably nothing to worry about. After all, everything would be all right…

In the Matou basement, what little was left of Zouken was utterly destroyed by this wave of hope, rendering him deader than dead.

In Archer's hands, the Excalibur shattered. His limbs trembled slightly, and he could feel the mana inside him greatly depleted, even as the rush of power from Rin refilled him, if slowly. In his hands, the rings glowed. He looked over his shoulder at Vita, who was struggling to her feet, assisted by the blue Hayate. "How are you feeling?" he asked.

She opened her mouth, frowned, and patted her head. "Where the hell is my hat?-!"

Archer chuckled, and a beam of pinkish-violet light darted out, returning a while later with Vita's hat, a hole in it from being speared through. The beam held it towards her, and she snatched it away angrily, fussing over it and muttering, before repairing it and putting it back on her head, glaring at Archer. "What the heck just happened?-!"

"You had been infected," Archer said. "Ten years ago, the Book of Darkness had been used to contain an enormous amount of corruptive energy at the end of the Fourth Holy Grail War. Recently, that energy was released when Twilight Red– no, wait, she still calls herself Leader Red, right?– stabbed the book with Ensis Exorcizans. She was protected because she was a walking Anti-magic Phenomenon, and all the rest were attended to by purifying magic, except for the three of you. It began altering your mind. Damn it girl, didn't you _notice_ how your Knight Armor had changed? It had turned black and funky red lines on it!"

"Um, well…" Vita muttered, squirming in embarrassment and drawing a line on the ground with her foot. The blue Hayate patted her head consolingly.

"I mean, Signum had started sleeping with Shamal every night, and Zafira had started killing things, and you'd been masturbating more–"

"_**HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THESE THINGS!-?**_" Vita screamed in mortification, her fists clenched under her chin. The Hayate image gave her a reassuring hug.

"I am Archer," Archer said loftily. "I _know_ things."

Vita gave him a flat look. "Bull." The Hayate image nodded in agreement, massaging Vita's shoulders.

"I am actually a Martian from the planet Mars!" Archer said. "Martians are very knowledgeable because we have telepathy!"

Vita's eyebrow twitched. "I've read about Mars. That whole 'life on Mars' thing was a misunderstanding because some idiot confused 'channels' with 'canals', and complicated by something H.G. Wells wrote." The Hayate image clapped in praise.

Somewhere, J'onn J'onnz of Ma'aleca'andra sneezed.

Archer gave her a blank look. "I'm from the future, come to change the past to prevent a major catastrophe."

Vita rolled her eyes. "Oh, please. I've watched Terminator enough times to know that never works. Either the future is mutable, in which case you changing time means you cease to exist, meaning you never go back in time to change anything, or it's not, meaning you being here is futile." Hayate image nodded, giving Vita a thumbs up while she stroked the knight's hair. "Plus, you know, time travel is _impossible_?"

In Uminari University Hospital, Tsukino Usagi the second sneezed.

Chao Lingshen sneezed.

Booster Gold sneezed.

Rip Hunter sneezed.

The Flash sneezed.

Meio Setsuna sneezed.

The Phantom Stranger sneezed.

Archer, strangely, smiled at her. "Man, are _you_ going to have an interesting life."

Vita blinked. "What?"

"How are you feeling?" Archer asked. "Can you still fight?"

Vita frowned, considering that question. Despite the fact she wasn't in pain– for some reason– it was easy to tell her body was covered in bruises, all her joints ached, and she was pretty sure she'd used up all of Graf Eisen's cartridges at some point. She was in no condition to fight. "Yeah, I can still– excuse me, but can you make her stop doing that?" Vita said, blushing and pointing at the Hayate image, who was kneeling in front of her and rubbing its head on her legs.

Archer waved a hand, and the image disappeared. So did the others. The other two knights gave a disappointed groan, slowly rousing themselves. "You're a lousy liar, Vita-san."

Vita's pride pricked. "I _can_ still beat you!" she declared loudly.

Archer's hand blurred, and something struck Vtia in the forehead, sending her reeling back. She stumbled and nearly fell, but her eyes latched on to what had been thrown at her.

A nerf ball.

"You're at your limit," Archer reiterated. "Any single one of my companions can defeat you now."

"We are knights," Signum said, sounding weary as she stepped up next to Vita, tiredly handing her Graf Eisen. "We will fight on regardless. Our honor demands nothing less."

"And Hayate?" Archer asked.

"As I said, our honor demands nothing less."

Archer sighed, shaking his head. He held up a hand, a white shape beginning to form above it as she incanted, the rings on his fingers dissolving away. The knights attacked, not wanting to let him complete whatever it was Archer was trying to do, but worn out as they were, no longer augmented by the Grail's taint, it was simple for rains and walls of unnamed swords to hold them back. "_The Brightest Day is on the rise…_" Archer said. "_The light shall soar as darkness flies. We guard all life from evil's blights. Destiny awaits! Shine, White Knights! _"

The other rings dissolved from his fingers as their substance faded away, amalgamating and coming together into one substance, pure white, with a metallic sheen. The Ring formed, the Ring of the Earth King.

"**Emiya Shiro of Earth…**" it said. "**Destiny awaits…**"

It slipped into his finger, and he banished the swords, a shape of seemingly whiter-than-white light intercepting Laevatein, trapping it in several pentagram-like circles, stopping Signum cold. "Tapping Akashic Field," the ring said. "Tapping Extended Akashic Network. Uploading, Mid-Childan Magical Discipline, Yuuno Scrya, Bind Spells."

A white circle appeared at Archer's feet. "Bind," he said simply, white chains slamming into place around the knight, locking her in place. Calmly, he reached forward and took the Book of Darkness away from Signum. As calmly, he raised the book up and to the side, and Vita barely managed to stop Graf Eisen from slamming into the book.

Archer stared Signum in the eye. "I surrender."

Vita, about to riposte with a counter attack, stumbled and botched the execution. "_**What!-?**_"

"I am willing to give you my Linker Core," Archer said simply. "In exchange, you are to withdraw immediately to recover yourselves, visit Hayate at the hospital, and not engage my companions again for at least the next six hours."

They all stared at him like he'd just grown a second head.

"Why in Hayate's name would you do that?" Vita demanded.

"Because it is the most tactically advantageous thing to do," Archer said. "Giving you my Linker Core allows you to complete your objective, bringing you much closer to completing the Book to save Hayate. It keeps you from attacking my companions, since I would rather not have them consider you truly enemies. It accomplishes certain long-term goals. And most importantly, it spares me a rather complicated discussion with Rin."

Vita, however, still seemed locked on to his original declaration. "So you're just going to _give_ us your Linker Core? Just like that? Out of generosity?"

Archer smiled. "This might come as a surprise to you, Vita-san, but I am hardly atypical. Had you explained to Green Lantern, that first night you encountered her, had you given in to her demands and spoken to her, and told her you were doing this to spare the life of an innocent little girl… well, I'm reasonably sure she'd have _given_ you her Linker Core. Sailor Moon would have as well. So would Magus Erebus. And any number of their followers, followers with powerful Linker Cores, and healing magics. We are a soft, kind-hearted lot, we crazy earth people, Magical Girls and their ilk more so. We could have avoided all this. So yes, I _am_ doing this out of generosity. Like you, I am a knight. I understand the lengths you will go. And though I fought you, I did so because you wanted to attack those precious to me, and under my protection. Now that you can no longer do so, as a knight, I will do what I can do to help you protect those precious to _you_, and are under your protection."

He held out the book. "Do we have a deal?"

...

Batman woke up, realized what had happened and growled. "I hate magic…"

...

The thing that used to be Kotomine Kirei entered the church grounds. It was shaped like a man– shaped, in fact, like Kirei had been– but the subtle feeling of _wrongness_ in the air told the lie. Sweat-like substance beaded on its brow, having barely managed to ride out the strange, disturbing wave of energy that had accompanied the second blast. Yet old imperatives drove it, and it stumbled towards the focus point, the place where the Holy Grail might manifest itself. It knelt, and growled in frustration. Not here. The Grail wouldn't appear here.

Frowning, it turned to find the other points. It _would_ see its Grail completed. The old imperatives drove it still, anchored to the new form by the bonds of the Grail's darkness. And with its new… _connections…_ it could do it more creatively.

First, it needed to kill at least one Servant…

...

Rin wasn't aware of when the agony ended. All she knew was that she suddenly found herself lying on the ground, staring up at the morning sky, Miyu bent over her with the Caster Card Installed, hand glowing with healing magic. ext to her, Luvia was tending Sakura.

"Rin-san," Miyu said, sounding relieved. "You're all right."

"Ugh," Rin said, feeling like she'd just had the worst morning ever. On a Monday. "What happened?"

"We're not sure," Miyu said, helping Rin push herself up. "Sakura-san merely stopped transferring power to you. How do you feel?"

"Lousy," Rin said. "And–" Suddenly, she stopped cold.

Her connection with Archer felt… odd. Instinctively, she looked towards the command seals on her arm, and gasped.

Their glow was slowly fading away.

"Something's happening to Archer," she said, pushing herself up to her feet, trying to concentrate on her link. It seemed to be 'spasming', for lack of a better term, like a bad TV connection, jumping around all over the place. It drank in power from her, but it did so fitfully, as if someone had stuffed a sock in a pipe, which only let a little pass through. She whirled at the barrier, striking at air with her bare hands and giving a frustrated cry when it was stopped. "We need to get through, NOW!"

"Blast it," Sakura said weakly, and Rin whirled toward her. "Blast it with the most powerful thing the Servants have. We can get through it the hard way. Even magic breaks when met with stronger mag–"

Even as she spoke, the world seemed to crack, and the air in front of them reverted back to normal. Tentatively, Rin held out her hand. There was nothing there.

She was moving in a dead run a heartbeat later.

...

"Download."

Signum had been impressed. Archer's expression hadn't changed at all as his Linker core was extracted, and began to be downloaded into the Book. He'd remained impassive, standing tall and proud, unflinching. If his hands curled tightly into fists, well… he could be excused that.

Page after page filled, and Signum quickly lost count after thirty pages. When they'd finished, Archer hadn't moved, merely stared a bit blankly before slowly shaking his head. "Go," he said, voice suddenly hoarse. "They're coming."

Silently, the Wolkenritter took the Book, raising their weapons to Archer in salute, one knight to another. "Good luck to you, Emiya Shiro. And thank you," Signum said.

He smiled dazedly, waving it away. "That's not my name. I'm just a nameless Archer. Now get going. Your queen needs you."

He watched silently as they took flight, disappearing into the morning. He could feel Rin coming closer, and knew the others were right behind her. The white ring pulsed on his finger, keeping him in place. With a sigh, he let go, giving it one last order, just a he heard a sound. He turned.

Rin broke through the trees just as his knees collapsed, and he fell to the ground, dissolving away…

...

Rin stared at the empty spot in the ground where Archer had faded away as the others reached her, clutching at the dead, useless Command Seals on her arm. "Archer," she breathed, still disbelieving. Around them, flames of crimson plasma flickered, melting stone and shriveling leaves, yet not threatening to cause a forest fire. They were slowly burning themselves out.

"H-how?" Luvia said, just as shocked. "How? Those lights… that was Archer, wasn't it? How did they defeat him? How–"

Rin's knees collapsed, hearing no more as she stared at where her Servant had fallen.

"That liar," she heard herself saying. "He said he would explain. He still needed to _explain…!_"

In the morning light, a white ring gleamed for a moment, then vanished. No one noticed.

...

_Emiya Shiro stood where he'd died, feeling the ghost of the White Ring on his finger. He smiled grimly, but the smile faded away as he saw Rin on her knees, a lost look on her face. Soon, that would change, buried or sublimated into other emotions, other drives. Yet right then, right there, he felt his heart ache as he watched his beloved in pain, and all because of him. He held out a hand towards her, murmuring, "Rin…"_

_The ring on his finger pulsed, and he barely managed to stop it just in time._

"_You're early," a voice behind him said, and even expecting it, he jumped in surprise. Old instincts died hard, among other things._

_He turned, and gave a bow that he hoped didn't look mocking or stupid. "My Lady," he said. _

_Death of the Endless raised an eyebrow, her near-perpetual smile becoming amused, but not mocking. Never her. Well, seldom, anyway. "Lady, huh? Have we met before? I mean, yes, we've met before, but most people don't remember that…"_

"_We've met before, Teleute-sama," Shiro said, the old name the Shinigami had coined coming easily to his lips. "Time travel and reincarnation are involved, though, so–"_

_Death clapped her hands. "Oh! Heavens Feel, right? All that Holy Grail War business? You're one of the Heroes!"_

"_Yes, Teleute-sama," Shiro said._

_She took off her top hat, scratching her head. "But I've never taken you before– oh! you said time travel was involved. You're from the future? How did _that_ happen?"_

"_It's… complicated," Shiro said. "I'd rather not think about it."_

"_Ah," Death said knowingly. "Well, far be it for me to make you uncomfortable. Though I must say, you're taking this rather well. No bargaining or hitting on me or anything."_

"_Thank you for saying so," he said. the world was becoming misty around them, and he looked around frowning. "Damn, I'm not going to like the next part."_

"_Oh?" she said, tilting her head. "You know what comes next?"_

_Shiro nodded. "Since I'm… well, because of Heaven's Feel, I'm going to be stuck in place for a little while, wherever the Grail is gathering. But before that…" he made a look of distaste. "Nekron."_

_Death waggled a finger at him. "Now, don't be like that! Nekron performs an important function, and he's a hard worker to boot! He's even officially sanctioned by Yours Truly! Franchised and everything. Just because he's not as good looking is no reason to be all huffy."_

_Shiro wondered if saying anything would make a difference. If he told Death about Blackest Night now, could it all be avoided? Would it stop Nekron? After all, the Endless worked in strange ways. Could she already know…?_

"_**Emiya Shiro… Vengeance has come for thee…**__"_

_Shiro spun again, staring at the looming form of a figure wrapped in a dark green cloak, ominous eyes with skulls for pupils staring out at him from beneath the shadowed hood, with a voice best portrayed in some kind of weird, gothic font-face. It was vaguely feminine, wearing a tattered green dress of the same color._

_Death raised an eyebrow. "Going after this postmortem, Spectre? What did he do?"_

_A girlish giggle suddenly erupted from the cloak's hood, and the Spectre seemed to shrink, now barely reaching Shiro's stomach, the cloak long and tangled on the floor, much too big for the being that now wore it. "Oh, he didn't do anything. I'm just practicing my entrance. 26 years and I sometimes _still_ mess up! Spectre-kun doesn't like it."_

_The cloak she wore made a sound, like someone grumbling from a long way away, at the other end of an echoing tube. "Oh, hush you," she chided. "I'm your moral compass, and right now I'm compassing. Hello, Shiro-san! Did everything go according to plan?"_

_Shiro nodded. "As well as can be hoped. Though I'm worried about Rin."_

_The Spectre tilted it's head, wich was now completely hidden under the oversized hood. Then there was a grumbling, and pale hands pulled the hood off awkwardly, folding it hurriedly over an arm in an untidy heap as the Spectre seemed to listen again, her golden hair moving with the motion. "Her heart is filled with rage," she said, sounding sad. "And she wants vengeance. The Spirit wants me to grant it to her."_

"_I'm sorry," Shiro said automatically. _

_The Spectre patted his hand consolingly, smiling up at him with clear wine-colored eyes. "It passes. Deaths always make people feel an urge for vengeance. It is a part of the anger of loss. My own mother, unfortunately, didn't cope well with it. But your Rin-san has others around her, and she still has you, in a way. She will be all right."_

_Death coughed discreetly. "Shiro-kun, we've dallied enough. Take my hand, Shiro-kun."_

_The Spectre squeezed his hand comfortingly. "It'll be all right, Shiro-san. Follow the plan." Shiro smiled, and ruffled her golden hair. "HEY! No touchy! I'm the great and powerful Spirit of Vengeance, remember? I'm what Uchiha Sasuke prays to! Show some respect!"_

"_Hard to do when you're as cute as that, Alicia-chan," Death said, laughing as she leaned over to ruffle the Spectre's hair herself._

_The Spectre pouted. "Why does everyone keep picking on me?-!" she wailed_

_Shiro sighed in remembrance. "Ah, that battle-cry brings back memories."_

_Death held out her hand. Shiro took it. On his finger, the white ring gleamed. And suddenly, there were only two beings there._

_There was a moment. _

"_So, where are you going next?" the Spectre asked Death. _

_Death's form changed, her clothes morphing into that of a black knight with, for some reason, skis. "Oh, you know, where and there, everywhere," she said, putting on her helmet. With it on, no one could tell she was a girl. "And you?" the Black Racer asked._

_The Spectre looked down at her green cloak. "I'm going to see to my family. And then…" She flung out the cloak to spread it, draping it over her shoulders, and suddenly she was taller, more adult-like, the very image of vengeance itself. Only a small glint of gold shown from under her hood. "There will be no rest for the wicked…"_

...

Bound to the Grail, Caster of the 4th Holy Grail War looked up, metaphorically speaking, as she felt a soul enter it. "So. End game is coming." The vessel behind her hummed as the accumulated power of the Heroic Spirit within, unaffected by being downloaded by the Book of Darkness, awoke it. "Just as planned…"

...

In a Mid-Childan prison, Precia Testarossa looked up as she felt a chill. She looked around, but her cell was empty as it always was. Shuddering, she drew up her knees, and counted the hours…

...

On her way to school, listening to the buzzing of her classmates as they talked about the news of the green and blue bursts of light, Fate Testarossa felt a chill, and frowned, unsure why. The bus passed a little girl eating ice-cream, her green dress and golden hair shining…

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: I was trying to go for 'Badass Surrender'. How did I do?

I've come up with the insane idea that Vita is actually the most well-read of the Wolkenritter. Let's see if I can make it stick…

_PLEASE_ leave lots of reviews, I worked really hard on this…

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	13. Archer's Will

A/N: I'm going to try interweaving this and GL!Nanoha from this point on, since I don't want it to go stale. Tell me how it works out?

This is also AU from Prisma Illya as of Chapter 9, though I'll be taking elements of post-chapter 10 as I feel like it. Suppressed memories I can fit in, but since 10 basically means no Holy Grail War happens and the Einzberns are all dead…

Problematic.

Well, looks like this isn't ending all that soon after all…

...

FATE/Holy Grail War of 2814

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 13: Archer's Will

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story. If I did… well, this would all be canon. WARNING: MAY CAUSE HEAD EXPLOSION! Really wish someone would rec this. TvTropes, dattebayo!

...

Luvia would have liked to say she'd expected that they'd to have to carry Rin all the way back to the castle, but it was the dark-haired girl who set the pace, her every step angry, as if the ground had personally offended her somehow and she wanted to smash its face in. Well, at least her worthless rival wasn't _too_ weak and soft. That would reflect badly on Luvia herself.

Sakura was the one who needed support. The girl's legs flopped like jelly, and she needed the support of both Lancer and Miyu to stay upright. Her eyes were wide and shocked, and her mouth kept making soundless words, as if in denial.

As they reached the front doors of the castle, a black and purple blur fell from the roof, slowing only enough to lightly touch the ground and change course as it streaked for Sakura. Rider was there in an instant, seemingly ignoring Lancer and Miyu as she grabbed her Master and hurriedly rushed her into the castle as fast as Servantly possible.

"You're welcome," Lancer said at her retreating back. "Really, it was no trouble bringing her all the way here. happy to do it."

Miyu jabbed her elbow at him, which made him grunt, but he shut up.

Rin slammed open the door of the castle, despite the fact it was already partly open from Rider's entry, and nearly hit Shiro in the face, only quick jerk of Saber's hand sparing him from that fate. Rin ignored them, turning her attention to Illya, who along with the others had come down to meet the returning group. The little girl's concerned face faltered at the look, and she reflexively raised Ruby in a guard position.

"Get me the Association," Rin growled. "Get me Green Lantern. _NOW! _Those mages she's been after just killed Archer."

...

"What," were Yuuno's first words, "the HELL happened here?"

The clearing looked like… well, to be perfectly blunt, the clearing looked like Nanoha had fought her violent clone there. The air was saturated by residual expended willpower… and other things. Many had been unidentifiable, and had caused his ring to almost go haywire nad the hairs on the back of his neck to prickle from unfamiliar magic. Some of the residual energy had actually caused his ring's power to go up a few percentage points, and another had warped his constructs until he'd flushed it from the ring, which had been pretty awkward for a while there. Two, however, had been easily identified.

The lesser terror had been identified as energy known to have been used by the Zamarons and their 'Star Sapphires'. From what Yuuno had been able to make out from Oa's records, the Zamarons were an offshoot of the Oans, and the Star Sapphires a sort of 'Green Lantern Corps wannabe'. Constructed from a sort of parasitic crystal, it seemed to have energy manipulation properties similar to Green Lantern rings, but much less refined, wildly uncontrollable and highly mind-altering. The Zamarons had been trying, with little and varied success, to establish their own force for the last few centuries (practically yesterday, so to speak), though their stated philosophy– "To spread love across the universe"– and the fact they had a disturbing tendency to end up forming relationships with, fighting and/or _killing_ Green Lanterns hadn't exactly let then catch on as quickly as they would wish.

Yuuno stopped thinking of the implications of considering the timescales involved to keep his head from exploding.

Still, this was cause for concern. If a Star Sapphire was operating on Earth, then he and Nanoha might be in danger. Well, more than usual. Much more.

Because the second energy identified had been tagged as the energy Sinestro used for his Yellow Ring. That in itself had raised many alerts, and had made Yuuno send an update to Oa regarding the possibility the former Lantern might be on Earth. Great. Just what they needed.

"And you say that Archer guy did all this?" Yuuno asked, logging all readings and continuing to scan for anything else while making a complete crime scene record _and_ taking witness testimony. He loved his ring. "All this was just him and the Wolkenritter? No one else? No, say, red-skinned men who glowed yellow, or women who glowed pink?"

Luvia shrugged. "Not that we noticed, though Kuro _did_ mention she saw a giant pink camcorder. And we were blinded twice, so maybe we missed someone. But as far as we know, yes, it was just them."

Yuuno shook his head, not in disbelief, but confusion. "This should be impossible," he muttered.

"He was a heroic spirit," Luvia said. "'Impossible' is what they do. Which makes how these Wolkenritter managed to kill Archer even more ominous."

Yuuno felt a sick twisting in his stomach at those words. The Wolkenritter case had truly become a murder investigation. Finding probable genetic partial remains of Matou Zouken– the DNA they found couldn't possibly be from someone closely related enough to Shinji to be his grandfather, and had been too decayed and intermixed with something else to be conclusively declared as his mortal remains, but Archer falling down and disappearing just as the Wolkenritter left, in front of witnesses no less, was pretty conclusive. Spirit-being or not, Archer had been killed and was now 'dead'. That made it a murder.

"Nanoha's not going to like this…" Yuuno muttered.

...

As Yuuno flew away after recording the crime scene and taking statements, a van with the logo of a popular courier company trundled up the much abused path to Einzbern castle, being driven by a smiling young woman in a courier's uniform. Her name-tag read 'Chao'.

...

Sakura felt like she was on trial. To be fair, she probably was.

"Explain," Rin demanded, a vision of barely restrained rage. She was apparently channeling the loss of Archer towards the nearest displaceable activity. "_Now_."

Sakura bowed her head, staring at the kitchen table in front of her while Rider stood silently at her back. Ominously silent. "What do you want to know?"

"How can you do what you do?" Rin demanded. "You said something about a spirit. You called it 'Reinforce'."

Sakura nodded. "Reinforce-san… was given to me ten years ago. By the Caster of the Fourth Holy Grail War."

Iris, Kiritsugu and Saber all stiffened as Gilgamesh began to growl. The others looked at each other in confusion.

"Tall woman, about this high?" Kiritsugu said, gesturing. "Brown hair, black wings, big golden cross-shaped staff?"

"Absolutely cute outfit?" Irisviel said.

"A strangely capable warrior, versed in melee combat?" Saber said.

"THAT BITCH SHOT ME!" Gilgamesh cried.

"Well, someone had to give in to the temptation eventually," Lancer muttered.

Sakura frowned. "I'm not sure about the clothes, but that seems right."

Shiro blinked and slowly raised a hand. "Um, not to sound like an idiot, but what does an old Servant from the last War have to do with anything? I mean, she was defeated, wasn't she?"

Iris and Kiritsugu exchanged glances. "That's the problem," Kiritsugu said. "We're not sure."

"I _had_ a means of confirming which Servants were defeated," Iris said, "But during the war, I encountered Caster, and she managed to negate it. That's why I didn't know Archer-kun here survived." She gestured at Gilgamesh. Rin growled at the mention of her Servant's class. "It's possible that the Fourth War's Caster is still around…"

"No," Sakura interjected, shaking her head. "It's hard to remember that night, but… when she left, Caster-san said she was going 'back to the Holy Grail'…"

Hesitantly, she told them about a memory that came to her dreams many nights. About how her Uncle Kariya had died. About the strange burglar, the angel from out of the night– who'd entered her room and slain all of the worms infesting her room– Rin's fingers clenched at the description– and purified her body of Zouken's machinations. She'd called her by her birth name, Tohsaka Sakura– at this, there were surprised looks at her and Rin– and given her a gift, a friend.

"She said her name was Reinforce," Sakura finished, her voice soft. "The Blessed Wind that Protects. And then Caster-san left, saying she was going back to the Holy Grail. Then Reinforce-neesan entered me… and I fell asleep again."

Kuro raised a hand. "So, you mean–"

"It's not a sexual reference, Kuro-san," Sakura said. "Reinforce– Kaze-neechan– sort of… possessed my body. Except 'possessed' isn't the word. The technical term she used was… Unisoned."

"And that's why you can do… all that"? Rin said skeptically. "Because it's this 'Reinforce' that's doing it?"

Sakura nodded. "It's _her_ magic circuits, her knowledge, her power I'm using. I think it's her way of paying me for staying inside me. It's also partly why my hair and eyes are this color."

"Knowledge which involves being able to use the Noble Phantasms of not just _Archer_, but _Berserker_ as well," Rin said pointedly. "Knowledge of not just mage-craft, but also Magisterial Wizardry. And strange sword techniques. And _being able to identify_ _**and use**_the magic these Wolkenritter use, a kind of magic that seems unique to them. It makes one wonder… how much can we _trust_ this supposedly friendly spirit of yours? After all, she abandoned you when we needed her, and Archer died for it. Then she nearly kills us with that thing she did."

"She didn't intend to hurt us," Sakura said immediately. "She was merely lending Archer her power."

Rin raised an eyebrow. Her knuckles creaked. "And you know this… how?"

Sakura seemed to deflate slightly. "She… just told me. Just now."

Rin growled.

Hesitantly, Miyu said, "It is a reasonable explanation, Tohsaka-san. The energy appeared to be flowing from Sakura _into_ you, and–"

"I DIDN'T ASK YOUR OPINION!" Rin practically screamed. Miyu almost, but not quite, cringed back.

Luvia's eyes narrowed. "I understand you are distressed, Tohsaka," she said curtly and almost formally. "But you will _not_ take that tone with my maid."

"FUCK YOU!" Rin snapped. She jabbed a finger at Sakura like a weapon, and the girl jerked back, almost toppling off her chair. Rider stirred. "My Servant is gone, and it's all _her_ fault! All her fault, and that arrogant, lying, stupid…" she broke off, seeming to choke on her own rage.

In the tense-filled silence that followed, the doorbell rang.

Everyone but Rin seemed to blink, then frown as they all counted up everyone in the room.

"We're all here…" Shiro said in confusion.

Sella stood up hesitantly. "I'll get the door," she said, thought it was more question then statement. She left. Kiritsugu turned on a laptop lying next to him and accessed the front door's security cameras. The silence lingered as they watched Sella warily open the door, the shotgun she held hidden by the door's bulk. A smiling courier held out a package to the confused maid, who dazedly signed for it, and was then given an envelope in turn. Sella jerked upon reading the words on it, and she closed the door in the courier's face with rude haste, locking the door and running back to the kitchen.

"Rin-san!" she cried, sounding almost panicked. She held out the envelope she'd just received.

In neat, almost anally precise handwriting, were the words, 'To Rin. From Archer'. It was dated several days ago.

The next heartbeat of silence was broken by Rin's scream of, "THAT _**ASSHOLE!**_"

Then chaos ensued.

...

_3…_

_2…_

_1…_

_Archer films presents_

…

**IN MEMORY OF ARCHER!**

"That asshole…" Rin kept on growling. "That _asshole!_"

_Starring_…

_**The dashingly handsome ARCHER!**_

"I'll kill him," Rin said. "So help me, come the next War, I'm finding a way to summon him back just so I can kill him again!"

_**Specially dedicated to… the goddess of the Zettai Ryouiki, Tohsaka Rin, who I hope doesn't intend to do something stupid, like waiting the next few decades to join the next Holy Grail War to summon me just so she can kill me herself!**_

Rin began to sound like she was choking.

"Shh, it's starting!" Kuro hushed. "Pass the popcorn!"

The opening credits of the CD that had arrived by courier finished rolling, and everyone was treated to the view of a giant eye. The film quality was very grainy and sort of spastic, with odd starts and stops, but was mostly viewable. In the lower corner was an actively running timestamp, dated several days go, in the early hours of the morning.

"Testing, one, two, three," Archer's unmistakable voice said, only slightly marred by a few strange echoes and breathy noises, like wind blowing over something. The eye drew back, revealing Archer wearing a pair of wireless plastic headphones, its microphone in front of his mouth. As he came into view, so did the rest of the room.

Shiro blinked. "What the… is that _my room?_"

Archer settled down on a chair in front of the camera– which, judging from its quality, was clearly a webcam– fingers steepled together Ikari Gendo-style. The room behind him was dark, the only illumination coming from a lamp next to him. Still, the background was easily distinguishable as Shiro's room. Shiro, in fact, could be seen sleeping in the background, drool trailing from his mouth and a snot bubble growing on one nostril.

"Yes," Archer said once he seemed to have gotten comfortable. "This _is_ your room, Shiro. Lancer, I am assigning you the task of Shiro-monitor. Please keep him from saying anything stupid for the duration of this video. I don't have a lot of time, and really, he kind of gets on my nerves." Archer looked over his shoulder at the sleeping Shiro as he said this, then resumed facing the screen. "Right, I might as well get this out of the way right now to prevent charges from being pressed. I, the Servant Archer, a participant of the Fifth Holy Grail War, summoned by the Master Tohsaka Rin, also a participant of the Holy Grail War, hereby absolve the group of Belkan Knights known as the Wolkenritter, specifically the knights Zafira, Signum and Vita, of any responsibility in my demise. I seemed perfectly alive and healthy when they left, and really, I'd just kicked their asses. They had no way of knowing I'd die soon after. My death is the direct result of my actions and decisions, and they bear no responsibility for it whatsoever. Please contact Green Lantern-chan and the TSAB as soon as possible so they can drop any attached murder charges." Archer paused to think a moment. "Yes, I do believe that's it. So, everyone, if you are watching this disc, that means I've died in the forest, and everything has gone exactly as planned."

Everyone watching blinked. The sound of teeth grinding began to rise.

"Yes, strange as it is to believe, most of what has happened so far is due to a very complex and many-faceted plan, which I have yet to come up with," Archer said cheerfully amidst the teeth grinding. "Hey, Rin only summoned me a few hours ago and I only just finished cleaning up the mess that resulted in my," he grinned, "completely and one hundred percent successful summoning which did not result in any form of amnesia whatsoever. Give me a few hours and I'd have worked something out by then."

"_YOU BASTARD!_"" Rin cried. "You evil, lying bastard!"

"I will hasten to point out that the Servant summoned without a proper catalyst inevitably leads to a Master being paired with a Servant who is very similar to the Master," Archer said. "So watch what you say about me, Rin-chan."

Rin twitched. "Did he just call me 'RIN-CHAN'?"

"How the hell does he know how she's going to react to this?" Lancer asked.

"I'm just that awesome, Lancer," Archer in the screen said.

Lancer twitched. "Okay, that's just creepy."

"Yes, I know."

"What kind of monstrous Servant did you _have_, Rin?" Kuro asked, munching on popcorn.

"Kuro, don't talk with your mouth full, you'll choke," Archer said, then glanced down to look at something apparently lying off screen. "Okay, back on to business. As I am dead, there will be several things I need you to do for me."

"Go to hell!" Rin cried, hand snapping to grab something to throw. Shiro barely stopped her in time.

"Matter one," Archer said serenely. "The thing formerly known as Kotomine Kirei."

Kiritsugu and Gilgamesh perked up, leaning forward.

"My psychic powers tell me that Kirei currently has two ideas lodged in his head," Archer said. "Firstly, he wants revenge on Kiritsugu, which involves utterly destroying everything and everyone Kiritsugu holds dear before actually killing you himself. And secondly, he wants to properly create the Holy Grail. I'm can't quite explain what his reasons for the latter are, but it mostly revolves around the fact he was an evil bastard when he was human, and being turned into an anthropomorphic personification of human evil hasn't made things any better. A man who gives a little girl the very knife he used to kill her father and tells her it was a gift to him and from him to her is sick enough in the head to do anything."

Rin grew still. Sakura's head jerked up in surprise.

On screen, Archer was smiling, face sad, though there was a touch of smugness to it. "Got your attention Rin?"

Rin's fingers tightened into fists, and she didn't notice how her nails were digging into her palms.

"If you don't believe me, ask goldenrod," Archer said, nodding in the general direction Gilgamesh was seated. "After all, he was originally your father's Servant. How do you think he came to work with Kotomine?"

Gilgamesh tilted his head as Rin rounded on him. "Your Servant was surprisingly knowledgeable, Tohsaka Rin. I am even more curious as to who he was in life."

"Isn't it obvious?" Archer said. "Kuro knows. Or at least, she'll realize."

Kuro blinked as everyone turned to her. "What? Don't look it at me. _I _sure as hell don't know who he is."

"Not yet," Archer said serenely. "Any of, the two objectives–"

Someone knocked on the door. Archer jumped in surprise, whirling on the closed door of Shiro's room.

"Shiro?" Leysritt's voice could be heard saying, though it was weak. "Are you watching porn again?"

"Hey, I remember this!" Leysritt of the present said. Everyone shushed her.

Archer moved quickly and silently, throwing some shirts lying on the ground over Shiro's head. "Leysritt-san!" he called out, and everyone watching blinked. Archer's voice had pitched itself higher, losing several years worth of maturity and sounding just a _tinge_ whiny. He sounded, in fact, _exactly_ like Shiro. "Don't say such things!"

"Meh, whatever, Shiro-kun," Leysritt's voice said lazily. "Just don't get any of it on the sheets, okay? People invented tissues for a reason."

"Leysritt-san!" Archer whined again, but Leysritt of the past was already walking away. Archer sighed in relief, then eyed Shiro sleeping on the bed. "Man, you sleep like the dead. Honestly, what kind of hero of justice are you?"

Shaking his head, Archer turned back to the camera. "And while we're on the subject, Kiritsugu-san, could you _PLEASE_ get around to taking Avalon out of him? Honestly, it's not time-travel magic." Archer's hand glowed slightly, and he moved lightly to Shiro's chest. The Shiro of the present shuddered, raising a hand himself. A light erupted around Archer's hand a a wide, glowing, golden scabbard with blue designs appeared in his hand. "See? Easy. It's here–" it disappeared "– it's not here" it appeared again "–It's here" it disappeared "– and it's gone again. See? Not time-travel magic at all."

Iris and Saber leveled a glare at Kiritsugu. He sighed. "Fine. I'll get to it later!"

Archer nodded in satisfaction, as if he'd heard. "Now, back on topic, of the two objectives Kotomine has, he will be prioritizing the second. My death will begin the process of the formation of the Grail, a process he will be aware of as the referee of the war. To that end, he intends to kill more Servants. Unfortunately for him," Archer smiled, "most of the Servant's of the war will be involved in a rather large-scale non-aggression pact, with Masters actively cooperating NOT to get killed. His attack the night before will have allowed him to assess the relative power levels of the people involved, and he will realize he will need to take a different approach. As such… he will be targeting Caster-san."

A murmur rose through the room.

"While I understand most of you will be reluctant to help Caster-san, I would like to point out several important things," Archer said. "One, letting Kotomine get even _close_ to completing the Grail is a horribly bad idea. He wants to basically unleash evil on Earth. That would be a Bad Thing." They could hear the capitals. "Two, letting him defeat Caster lets him control the mountain, and by extension, the Great Grail underneath it. That would also be Bad. " More capitals. "And finally… helping Caster-san is the right thing to do."

He said it with such a straight face people became mildly embarrassed.

"This also ties in neatly with the agreement to let Saber have the Grail," Archer said. "I'll leave it up to you whether this will come from all of you killing each other or what. Regardless of either, the important thing is that Kotomine does _not_ get the Grail's power. If Kotomine is successful in killing Assassin, Caster and Caster Minoris, that will mean four souls in the Grail. More than enough to cause at least a small doomsday. I will trust you to keep him from doing this."

"On the matter of Sakura…" Archer trailed off as he pondered, looking down at something off screen. Then he sighed. "Or rather, Sakura and Reinforce… don't be too hard on them, Rin. Their actions were according to plan. Reinforce… I forgive you. Take care of everyone in my stead, please. For as long as you are able."

"I will," Sakura said, in a voice that wasn't hers. She blinked, looking down at her mouth.

"We all know what we have to do," Archer said, and he wasn't really talking to them anymore, just being wistful. "It's all so clear from here… Saber, I ask you to take care of Rin for me in addition to your duties to Shiro." A small, wry smile played on Archer's lips. "After all, given how you took away Rin's virginity, it's the least you can do. You have to take responsibility, after all."

"_WHAT?-!_" Gilgamesh, Luvia and Sakura all cried as Saber and Rin both went red. Everyone else was only a heart-beat behind.

"Technically, I suppose you could say she lost her virginity to Shiro, if you were being classical," Archer mused. "But Saber was definitely there first…"

"S-sempai!" Sakura cried, eyes flickering between the three. "You all did…? With _each other? SCANDALOUS!_"

"A threesome!" Kuro cried. "How is my nubile loli body supposed to compete with a threesome? Unless… ILLYA! MIYU! TO ME!"

"My son is so manly!" Irisviel cried.

"IT WAS AN EMERGENCY SITUATION!" Rin cried. "AN EMERGENCY MANA TRANSFER! THAT WAS ALL!"

"HOW DARE YOU!" Gilgamesh cried, and it was uncertain whether he meant Rin, Shiro or Saber.

Miyu grabbed his nose. "Bad Gilgamesh," she chastised.

Kiritsugu and Saber both sweatdropped at the sight.

"Kotomine's plan of attack is simple," Archer said. "He intends to use the tallest building in Uminari, the Wayne Enterprises Tower, as a giant transmitter at midday to activate as many Invader's as possible. This will cause chaos in the city, and will likely draw meta-human attention. While several of the Invader's kill as many as they can to increase the spiritual energy of the area and distract the superheroes, a small portion will divine off to gain control of the possible places the Grail will appear: The Kotomine church, the Tohsaka Mansion, and dead field. The rest will charge Mount Ryudou in an attempt to kill Caster and gain control of the Grail materialization point there. Should he cause a large number of civilian deaths, he will have ample energy to forcibly convert into something the Grail can use. Given the circumstances, I believe it would not be unreasonable to ask for help."

Archer sighed and leaned back, rubbing his forehead. It suddenly occurred to Rin how tired he must be. After all, he'd _just_ been summoned, she at the time was tired and wasn't exactly providing a lot of power, and he'd had to clean up the mess he'd made and then make all… _this_. It made her wince inside in slight sympathy. "And finally," Archer said. "Shiro. Shiro, Shiro, Shiro. What to do with you…?" He glanced over his shoulder, and shook his head. "Sometimes I can't believe how– no, that's not relevant. What matters is this: the sword you made, and even the copies of Bakuya and Kanshou, are incomplete."

Shiro blinked. Archer had turned to regard the screen, and it was almost like he was meeting the man's eyes. "The Trace was incomplete. Though you were able to replicate it's form and even to an extent it's power, Caliburn was still flawed. I believe you understand how?" He raised an eyebrow.

Shiro nodded as everyone who was not there to see his fight looked at him, frowning. "Yes," he felt compelled to answer.

Archer nodded. "You need to fix that, and soon. It will be important." He paused a moment. "There are three people you will need to seek out when all this is over. The first is the demonologist called 'Jason'. He will have in his collection various… items… the study of which you will find enlightening. You will also have to find the boy called 'Lee Syaoran'. Him, you will meet soon. You will need to assist him in mastering the Scarab. In return, ask him to show you the 'Blades of the Paired Wings'. And finally, there is a woman who will set up shop in this city as a detective. Ask her about the Shield of Aias."

Shiro blinked. "Wait…" he said. "Am I being given a _fetch quest?_"

"Technically, three," Archer said, a sword suddenly appearing in his hand. He held it out over Shiro's sleeping form. "Got a problem, buddy?"

Shiro shuddered.

"Oh, relax, obviously I didn't do anything," Archer said. The sword disappeared. "Trust me, you'll find this all funny some day, in a morbid sort of way. Well, I think that's all…"

He reached over to end the recording, then paused thoughtfully. Then he said, "Somewhere in the Tohsaka Mansion is a blueprint entrusted to one of their ancestors by the Mage Zelretch, the very same person who made Ruby and Sapphire. It is the design for a weapon known as the Jeweled Sword of Zelretch. Build it, Shiro. With Rin, your mother, and Kuro's help, you can."

He paused again. "Rin… I'm sorry. I abandoned you. I caused you pain. I shouldn't have, but I did. I never wanted to do that, Rin. I'm sorry. All that I can promise you is that my death will help bring your father's murderer to justice. It is all I can give you, now. Let Shiro take my place."

A beat.

"I love you, Rin," he said, and the video ended.

Rin stared in shock.

Then it came on again, obviously on another track, and an embarrassed looking Archer said, "By the way, all that stuff I said Kotomine will do? He's doing it today, and it's almost eleven."

The disk ended, and was ejected out.

"T-that asshole…" Rin said, her voice low, head bowed.

The clock struck eleven.

...

In Uminari City, a bomb in the middle of the Elementary School's Athletic Field exploded at about eleven o'clock As classes were cancelled, and students ran about in fear and confusion, as cars with parents and concernedor curious people from nearby places started flocking to the area, as Green Lantern arrived on the scene, Tsukino Usagi the Second casually walked away, just another face in the crowd…

...

At the Mahora Academy Middle School building, several potted plants suddenly exploding, spewing out variously colored mists. As the building was being evacuated, Chao Lingshen smiled to herself, disposing of the detonator, which would melt in a few minutes anyway, and activated her disguise, becoming just another face in the crowd. It was eleven o'clock.

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: The Star Sapphires are relatively recent additions to the Universal stage. They couldn't form any later than the Egyptian period established by Chay-Ara and Khufu, since it's their bones that powers the Zamaron battery. As I am unsure when this is, 'last few centuries' is the most specific I can make it. I'm drawing more on comics canon than cartoon canon for the GL stuff. To that end, I'm taking some liberties with Sinestro…

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	14. The Battle For The Temple

A/N: This interweaves a LOT with Chapter 20 of Nanoha of 2814. Some things that are only touched on here are expounded more fully there. Yes, I acknowledge it's a shameless plugging device. Sue me.

You know, this fic really needs a character sheet…

...

FATE/Holy Grail War of 2814

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 14: The Battle For the Temple

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story. If I did… well, this would all be canon. WARNING: MAY CAUSE HEAD EXPLOSION! Really wish someone would rec this. TvTropes, dattebayo!

...

The forest was still now, though heat still rose from some places. Ground overturned, trees torn, none of these mattered. Nature was patient. Soon, this place would be hers again.

On a nondescript patch of ground, the air seemed to shimmer as a white ring appeared on the grass where it had fallen…

...

"Hurry up!" Rin cried. "Can't that thing work any faster?"

Illya sighed as she activated the program Sailor Mercury had sent, which the Association was currently using to communicate. It had been recommended she keep it in thumb drive so she could use it on any computer, not just her regular one, and she was glad she'd done as told. Two updates announced themselves to her, but they really didn't have time for that, so she told them to wait for now as she typed, reasoning that would be faster than either voice or visual communications. "You really don't do computers much, do you?"

Rin fumed as she looked impatiently over Illya's shoulder, whose patience was slowly being ground down by the older girl's presence. Next to them on the big table, the others were clustered on a big map of Fuyuki, wondering how they were going to distribute themselves and keeping a nervous eye on the clock. Shiro sat awkwardly next to Saber, who was resolutely looking at the map. Gilgamesh was dividing a murderous glare between him and Rin. At least, he would have, if Miyu wasn't constantly poking his cheeks and tugging on his mouth.

"All right, I have to ask," Kiritsugu said, eyeing the golden-armored Servant warily. "Miyu, what exactly did you do?"

Miyu drew out her Caster card, showing the picture of the cloaked figure with a book and staff to everyone. "I used Caster's skills to establish a contract with Gil-kun. I figured if she could manipulate the Grail enough to summon a second Caster, then I should be able to bind Gilgamesh enough to myself. On the down-side, it only works once. I basically only have a single Command Seal."

"That doesn't not explain his behavior," Saber said, eyeing Gilgamesh warily. She seemed to be ignoring the fact Miyu was pulling at the king's ears. Or perhaps not.

"I am very persuasive," Miyu said.

"She is a demon," Gilgamesh said flatly. He glared at Saber as Miyu played with his hair. "You belong to _me_ woman! You are my property!"

Saber narrowed her eyes, but before she could respond, Miyu stuck a stick of Pocky in his mouth. "Be nice, Gil-kun," she admonished.

"I am no one's property," Saber retorted.

"Eh, Saber-chan, aren't you always telling Shiro you're his sword and his shield and all that?" Iris pointed out.

Saber glared at Iris at this inconvenient reminder as Shiro blushed and tried to hunch down on his chair.

"Oh, grow up, will you!" Lancer said, pulling Shiro up straight. "You're a man now! Act like it!"

Surprisingly, Gilgamesh jerked his head in agreement, chewing and swallowing his stick of Pocky. "Sit proud, whelp! When I kill you, I intend to kill a man, not a child!"

"I don't _want_ you to kill me!" Shiro said.

"Aw, poor Shiro-onii-chan!" Kuro said, slinking over to Shiro and reaching for his pants. "Here, let little sister make you feel better…"

Shiro jerked back, shoving Kuro's head away with a deft flick of his wrist as he nearly fell off his chair. "Kuro!" he cried.

"Eh?-!" the girl whined. "Why not? You let Saber and Rin-babka touch your dick! Why not your little sister!"

"IT'S PRECISELY _BECAUSE_ YOU'RE MY LITTLE SISTER!"

"But I'm adopted! It doesn't count!"

"KURO!" Illya raged.

"DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE THAT COMPUTER!" Rin declared.

Rider sighed. "I miss Archer," she said, surprisingly wistful. "By now he'd know _just_ the thing to say to piss everyone off and have us all annoyed at him so everyone would shut up…"

There was a round of sighs in agreement. The rapid-fire tapping of Rin's foot was the only other sound.

"Got it!" Illya declared. "Com's online! The United Magical Girl's Association is a go!"

Rin gave her a look. "Why did you say that?" she said flatly.

Illya huffed. "It's the sort of thing you say!"

Rin rolled her eyes and leaned forward. "HEY!" she cried at the laptop. "ANYBODY THERE?-!"

Illya cleaned out her ears and, glaring at Rin, turned on the microphone. "There's no need to yell," she muttered.

The speakers came online as a stylized solar system icon, a white wing, and a green circle with two parallel lines lying horizontally along the top and bottom appeared, all with little signal bars and squiggly lines next to them denoting activity.

"_Green Lantern, Ferret Lantern, Black Reaper, Tempus and, um, Familiar Girl here!_" Green Lantern's voice said. "_What's the problem, Kaleido Ruby-chan?_"

"_Familiar Girl?_" an older-sounding female voice said. "_That's the best you can come up with? Come on, throw me a bone here! At least call something cool like, I don't know, Sexy Crimson Fang!_"

"_Hey!_" a male voice interrupted. "_Don't you lump me in there with you crazy Earth people! I'm not a member of your little club!_"

"_Eh, Tempus-kun?_" Green Lantern's voice said a little sadly. "_Don't you like hanging out with us?_"

"_Hey, no fair!_" Ferret Lantern's voice said. "_How come she gets a cool name and I'm still stuck with 'Ferret Lantern'?_"

"_Tempus!_" an unfamiliar, older female voice could be heard in the background. "_Be nice!_"

"_Amy!_"

From the Senshi's line came an amused chuckle. "_Ah, such a familiar tune,_" a voice said, somehow managing to not only be masculine _and_ feminine at the same time, but blonde as well.

There was a sigh. A voice that Illya was more familiar with, Sailor Mercury, said, "_I'll have to develop a voice identification program of some sort, to distinguish people on mass-conference calls._"

There was a sniff. "_It's because of all these amateurs thinking this is all some kind of Star Trek thing,_" Calculator's voice said. "_Honestly, they make everything so much more difficult._"

"_Eh,_" an unfamiliar voice said over Ala Alba's line. "_Don't be like that Chi–_"

"_THAT'S __**CALCULATOR!**_" Calculator declared. "_Not… the other thing, CALCULATOR!_"

"_You're calling yourself a pocket electronic device?_" another voice from the same line said dryly.

"_Quiet, Red,_" Calculator's voice said, aggravated. "_Well, we're here. What's the problem?_"

Rin opened her mouth, but Illya slapped a hand over it. "We have an emergency!" Illya cried. "At about noon today, the forces of evil are going to attack our town!"

There was the crackling static of relative silence.

"_Really?_" Fate said, and you could practically hear her blinking in surprise. "_Wow. It sure is convenient our school got hit by a bogus bomb threat that cancelled class._"

"_You too?_" someone from the Ala Alba line said. "_Someone at _our_ school set off a lot of smoke bombs! Classes are cancelled until they can get things cleaned up._"

"_Huh, that's so weird,_" Sailor Venus's voice said. "_Our school got attacked by these weird looking robot youma that looked like a Bayformer and called itself 'Meat-bun Supreme'._"

There was silence.

"'_Meat-Bun Supreme'?_" a twitchy sounding Calculator said. "_Are you sure about that?_"

"_Pretty sure,_" Sailor Jupiter's voice said. "_It kept yelling about how it was going to destroy us all, then would segway into commercials about how nice Ibayamia was this time of year and advertise some restaurant called Chao Bao Zhi._"

"_**THAT TIME-TRAVELING BITCH!**_" a yell erupted from the Ala Alba line.

"_Hey!_" a voice snapped from the Senshi line. "_I take offense at that!_"

"_I don't think she was talking about you, Pluto,_" a gentle, feminine voice from the same line said.

"_**Stupid Chao Lingshen!**_" the voice continued to rage. "_**This is all her fault again somehow, I just know it! first there were al those robots during the Wolkenritter attack on Mahora, and now THIS? What the hell is that girl up to?-! ARGH!-!-!**_"

"Excuse me!" Illya interrupted loudly. "Imminent attack of the forces of evil here!"

There was an embarrassed silence.

"_Sorry, go on,_" the voice that had raged said.

"This morning, we got a DVD from a teammate of ours who died recently," Illya said, and there was a rise of murmuring. "Just this morning, in fact, only a few hours before we got the DVD."

"_Archer-san?_" Green Lantern said, surprised.

"Yes," Illya said, aware that the others were crowding behind her. "We don't know how but he somehow _knew_ that everything would turn out like this! He, uh, mentions that the Wolkenritter didn't kill him, Green Lantern-chan. He mentions it specifically on his message. It's dated several days ago, but all the stuff he mentioned in it happened. And he says that around noon today, someone is going to try to activate every Invader in Fuyuki."

There was several intakes of breath.

"_WHAT?-!_" was the mass consensus.

"Um," Shiro said, raising his hand. "I know I should probably know this, but what's an Invader?"

Lancer also raised a hand. "Not a stupid question. I don't know what that is either. Archer called them pure evil, but that's not very helpful…"

"_Evil is essentially what they are,_" someone on the Ala Alba line said grimly. "_They are basically anthropomorphic personifications of human evil. Our greed, malice, pettiness and cruelty given form. Some reproduce by dividing, while others… others can __**turn**__ people into beings like themselves, by physically reaching into a person and pulling out the evil inside them, making it fester and grow like a cancer, until it consumes the person and becomes it's own being…_"

There was silence. Then…

"_Kyaaaa, AngelGARd-chan!_" a girl squeeled. "_That was so poetic!_"

"_O-ojou-sama…!_"

A sigh. "_Way to ruin the mood, girl…_"

Illya blinked. "AngelGARd? As in, '_In Celebration of–'_"

"_AHH! PLEASE DON'T FINISH THAT SENTENCE!_"

Laughing, giggling and indistinct teasing came over the Ala Alba line as everyone listening in Castle Einzbern sweatdropped.

"Hmm…" Gilgamesh mused. "Perhaps the human race _was_ fallen too low to be worth anything if this is the best heroes it can come up with in this day and age…"

"Evil?" Illya reminded those online.

"You know, in manga and stuff, when someone is rallying the cavalry, they never get sidetracked like this," Kuro commented, idly poking the lampshade on the table next to her. "I mean, if this was some kind of shounen fighting manga, we'd have the entire situation already explained, with no interruptions, and a counterattack planned out, all to great illustrations that fit the mood."

Everyone glared at her.

She shrugged. "Hey, you were all complaining we needed a replacement Archer. Do you want it to be gloom, doom and ka-boom over here?" she said, jabbing a thumb at Gilgamesh.

"No one was complaining about needing a replacement," Rin growled.

Illya sighed. "Tick tock?"

The lines went still again.

"This is the situation…" Illya began once more. "The Invaders plan to use Wayne Enterprises Tower as a transmitter to activate all the Invaders in the city during rush hour. They're then going to try and kill as many people as possible to increase the spiritual energy of the area while at the same time trying to gain control of certain key points. One is an address in the residential area, another is an empty field, and a third is a church. They will also try to take over the Temple in Mount Ryuudo. Our counterattack is simple. We protect Wayne Tower to lessen the number of invaders they can activate, keep them from gaining control of those four other locations, and prevent them from killing people!"

There were gasps of shock.

"_Th-that's… that's monstrous!_" Sailor Mars said.

"_Are you serious?-!_" Calculator cried.

"_Ah. A code 77348,_" Green Lantern said levelly, though her voice was no less appalled. "'_Activation of sleeper agents leading to seizure of control of key tactical locations in order to facilitate wide-spread mass-slaughter'. It's practically a textbook case._"

There was a brief silence.

"_It actually says that in the codebook?_" Ferret Lantern asked.

"_Eh? Of course it does! Haven't you been reading the code book?_"

"_I had to stop somewhere around code 16887,_" Ferret Lantern said, and they could hear his shudder.

"'_Illegal disposal of a disposable pre-packaged beverage vessel by attempted forced ingestion into an endangered species of carnivorous luminescent crystal fungus'? That means you've barely started!_"

Another brief silence. "_You scare me, Green Lantern,_" Tempus said.

As this was going on, the background of the laptop shifted, and a map window suddenly appeared, along with a small window of icons. "_Show us where,_" Calculator said.

"EH?" Illya cried. "How did you do that? I thought messaging was the only thing that was on here?-!"

"_I wrote an update while you were all talking,_" Calculator said dismissively.

"_Impressive_," Sailor Mercury said, sounding somewhat cool.

"_I'm the greatest hacker on the planet. It was easy. The locations, Kaleido Ruby?_"

Illya fumbled for the mouse, trying to orient herself. The map looked like it was from Google and it took a few moments of confused comparisons before she was able to mark the locations on the map.

"_Looks like we'll have to split up,_" Green Lantern said. "_My friends and I will take charge of roaming the city preventing civilian casualties. We have flight capability, not to mention more precise scanning magic. We don't have much time. If what you say is right, they'll start soon._"

"_We can teleport ourselves there to the city proper, though we'll need help getting into position,_" Sailor Mercury said.

"_We can?_" Sailor Moon said.

"_Sure, we have the Teleport, remember? You know, the one where we all hold hands? We once used it to get to an asteroid full of evil life-sucking flowers about to fall on the earth and end all life as we know it?_" Sailor Mars prompted. "_You know, from that time Tuxedo Kamen's ex-boyfriend showed up?_"

"_FIORE WAS JUST A FRIEND! JUST A FRIEND, DARN IT!_" came an aggrieved male voice.

"_Damn, when was the last time we used that?_" Sailor Jupiter wondered.

"_Well, there was that time we broke into Saturn's house…_" Sailor Venus said, trailing off. "_Wow, we stopped using that a long time ago, didn't we?_"

"_Was that the time I beat the youma in a Dark Game of Old Maid?"_ Sailor Saturn asked.

"_Our lives are so screwed up,_" Tuxedo Kamen said.

"The best heroes this day and age have to offer…" Gilgamesh said, actually sounding depressed this time.

"_We'll pick Ala Alba up and get everyone into position,_" Green Lantern said. "_Green Lantern out._"

The connection cut off.

"_We'll be there too, I suppose,_" Calculator said, sighing. "_Ala Alba ou–OOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW HOLY SHIT!_"

"What?-!" Kaleido Ruby asked, on top of the chatter from the Senshi as the sound of a loud crash came from Ala Alba's line.

A few moments later, a panting and annoyed Calculator said, "_We've found Meat-Bun Supreme._"

...

Servant Caster Minoris looked down warily, then up at his opponent. He considered his move carefully, then said, "Go fish."

Servant Assassin grunted, looking down at his cards and adding to the mental list of the cards Tavi didn't have as he waited for his opponent to make his own choice. "Hells bells, this is boring," he said.

They both looked up warily, waiting for the ominous rumble of thunder that meant bad things will happen to them for their impertinence. When nothing happened, they both breathed a sigh of relief, and Tavi felt justified in glaring at Harry.

"Sorry," the Winter Knight said sheepishly.

"Do you have any sevens?" Tavi asked, and Harry grudgingly handed over a card.

Questions and cards passed or didn't pass for the next few turns.

"Not getting hungry is a bit weird," Tavi said. "I mean, I know I _should _be getting hungry, since it's noon and all and I haven't eaten since… well, never, technically, but so far, nothing. Not even so much as a twinge in my stomach. "

"Technically speaking, we really shouldn't have any internal pipes to be hungry _with_," Harry said. "Since we're spirit beings and all, and that kind of hungry only applies to actual flesh and blood beings. That said, it's kinda creepy eating the soul energy straight out of the air. Only reason we _can_ is because this place is practically drowning in it."

"Disturbing…" Tavi observed.

"Very," Harry agreed.

They went back to looking at their cards.

"Should we be concerned about all the people climbing up the stairs?" Tavi said. "I'm counting more than a hundred footsteps, and growing."

"They don't feel human," Harry said. "Only felt something like this once. It wanted to kill my dog and nearly drove my brother insane."

"So, probably nothing to regret?" Tavi said, looking down the stairs, his cards drooping.

Harry snapped his cards shut, getting to his feet. "Nothing at all."

"Oh, good," Tavi said. "I've been meaning to use this rolling ball of doom…"

...

Lancer landed on the roof of Kotomine church. A few moments later, Leysritt arrived, the tires of Shiro's bike melty and a hair away from popping as she skidded to a halt. "Eh, no fair, beating me here, Lancer-kun!" Leysritt cried, slipping her enormous axe from her back, its head covered by a garbage bag.

"Oh, don't be so unreasonable," he said. "You're carrying that ridiculous weapon. It's a wonder that metal horse thing didn't collapse."

"Be nice to Pringle-tan!" Leysritt cried, stroking the axe she'd retrieved from the Einzbern-Emiya residence. "He's very sensitive!"

Lancer gazed heavenward. "Somehow, I missed how messed up all these people were when Archer was around…" he mused. "How disturbing…"

Then he blinked. A big green ball had appeared in the sky, apparently flying closer and closer towards them.

"Hmm?" Leysritt said, shading her eyes to look upward. "What's that?"

"Don't know. Enemies, maybe?" Lancer said, Gae Bolg appearing in his hands.

The ball dropped closer, resolving into a sphere about the size of an elephant. It landed lightly, and then popped. Four people fell out, managing to land on their feet, if barely.

"Wow, that's thing's a _lot_ gentler than Pactio Teleporting," a girl with orangish-red red hair in two tails said, her long skirts fluttering slightly. "I could get used to this."

A man wearing a ridiculous black outfit with an even more ridiculous hat spotted them, and raised a hand. "Excuse me. Is this the Kotomine Church?"

Lancer allowed the weapon in his hands to droop slightly, but only because he was staring in disbelief. "You've gotta be kidding me… you all look even sillier than that glowing green girl!"

"Hey!" Sailor Mars exclaimed. "There's no call for that!"

"This is the traditional garb of a Magical Girl Warrior of Love and Justice!" Sailor Jupiter agreed. "Besides, you're one to talk!"

Lancer gave them a half-lidded look. "At least what I'm wearing is _armor_," he said, "And it covers _all_ of me. What's your excuse?"

"You…! How dare you tell a woman what to wear!" Sailor Jupiter exclaimed, pointing.

Tuxedo Kamen sighed, walking away to one side. "Forces of evil, people, remember? Let's remember what's important here."

"Hey, don't you try to act all responsible in that ridiculous get up," Lancer said, pointing at Tuxedo Kamen.

Tuxedo Kamen frowned opened his mouth to retort… and deflated, sighing as he raised his hands in surrender and began walking away from the girls. "Leave me out of this…"

...

Gilgamesh walked into the dead field, bold as brass, if not quite as shiny just then. He rather liked his dark clothes, and was considering leaving his hair down when he called his armor into being. He could still remember his last fight here. The flames covering the land, Saber matching swords with him, and then…

"_Starlight Breaker…"_

He didn't _quite_ shiver, but he _did_ twitch.

The filed was empty, not surprisingly, despite the recent to do over commemorating the 'disaster' ten years ago. These people confused him. They remembered such trivial things for years, yet let slip important things, like wars and enemies–

No. The field wasn't _quite_ empty. Five people stood huddled there at the edge, talking to one another. Gilgamesh stared in exasperation. They were barely more than children! Even the tallest among them would barely be a woman in his kingdom, and indeed, even from here, watching her move, like an overgrown child this country seemed fond of growing, he was loath to grant her that much.

This existence chafed him. All these weak, useless people, with their inordinate sense of pride of being possessors and masters of nothing, these weak beings who go to war and slaughter with apathy, without honor, joy, skill, might or true power, these ridiculous things… perhaps that mad alchemist from so long ago was right. It was time for the human race to die so that the world could be at peace…

So why, really, was he bothering with this at all? These evil darkness, these Invaders, wanted to do just that, didn't they? If they wanted what he thought was right, why was he expending this energy to stop them? It certainly wasn't because that annoying child had made herself his Master. What she had was almost not a Command Seal at all, barely sufficient to anchor him to this place– not that he needed it– and feed him power.

Perhaps, he mused, it was reverse psychology, or some such stupid babble from this day's soothsayers. He would not let them destroy it all because he had no wish for them to, regardless of what he wished to do. Besides, they were loathsome things, even more worthy of obliteration than the human race, and for that these foolish, useless, unworthy people would get a temporary reprieve.

He glared at the children disdainfully. All but one were masked in some way, as seemed to be the custom of this Age's self-proclaimed 'heroes', save that Superman creature, who was just plain strange. One wore full black armor, and Gilgamesh had to grudgingly allow her a modicum of intelligence for actually donning something protective. All another was wearing was an apron and hat on top of what seemed to be… black dominatrix wear. Really, the things they allowed girls who weren't prostitutes to wear these days. Another wore white frilly clothes and a bunny backpack, of all things. A fourth wore a yellow dress and mask, with a long wooden staff with metal caps over one shoulder. Gilgamesh had the nagging feeling he'd seen that staff before. Perhaps it had been, or more likely, been based one, one of his treasures? And the last, the unmasked one, who was finally turning to notice his approach…

Horrible flashes from his childhood made him flinch, but a lifetime and ten extra years of dealing with it allowed him to push it down without thought. Nothing was to be gained from dwelling on the past. The irony completely escaped him. Still, as he looked at the girl in the ridiculously frilly and colorful variation of a school uniform, with absurd wings no less, despite himself he couldn't help but recall stories from his childhood, of the beautiful princess the prince was to marry…

He quashed it down firmly. Foolish. Weak. The Golden Federation of Earth was no more, swallowed by the madness of a jilted lunatic and her dark patron, with him as its only survivor because his brother, her servant and pawn, had taken pity on him and shoved him into a food stasis pod, even if only technically now. Even the ancient artifacts and weapons he'd so painstakingly gathered had been scattered to the winds by looters, thieves, and time. Well, unless that mad alchemist _had_ been telling the truth, and he _had _managed to create a pit that granted immortality. For a moment, he wondered what had happened to the fellow. Was he still around, perchance?

Whatever. Likely, _he_ was the only being who still walked this world who remembered Prince Endymion and Princess Sere… ni…

…ty…

…

Gilgamesh stared.

"Ah, hello. Are you Gilgamesh-san?" an image barely remembered from far, far distant memories of childhood a death and a lifetime away, revived from it's cold stone tomb.

The girl with the backpack seemed to blink under her mask. "Gilgamesh? As in the hero from the ancient epics?"

Gilgamesh's childhood, once spent in oblivious happiness, followed by brief yet unimaginable oblivion and a harsh life in a world unlike he'd ever known frantically kicked the arrogant, merciless, relentless king trying to bring back the half-fogged memories of an old utopia squarely in the groin, and Gilgamesh plunged to his knees and lowered his head to the ground lower than even he had demanded of his subjects. "Your Highness," he breathed, and the king and demanding asshole in himself cringed as the words caught in his throat, barely understandable. "Princess Serenity…"

The golden-haired beauty's eyes widened in shock and surprise. "Wh-what? H-how do you know that name?"

The child in Gilgamesh cried happy tears as an exasperated king screamed at him to show some kind of decorum (read: arrogance) befitting his station. "I would know the love of Endymion anywhere, your Highness. Any of his subjects would…"

...

"Hey…" Kotaro said, frowning as he looked around the top of Wayne Tower. "Weren't we supposed to meet someone up here?"

Sailor Venus frowned. "They said there'd be someone called Berserker?"

"Can your Artifact pick up anything, Asa–, er, Intrepid Reporter-san?" Sayo asked, riding her Mobile Suit Human Sayo-chan.

Kazumi tilted her head. "You know, I really have to pick a name like the rest of you guys…"

Several dozen floors down, the building exploded outward, bringing the sound of some kind of alarm to their ears as glass began to fall to the streets below.

"I believe that will have to wait, Intrepid Reporter-san," Chachamaru said. "It seems the battle has been joined…"

Kazumi angled one of her flying cameras over the edge to see and blinked. "Is that a giant gorilla?"

...

Rider had Pegasus land lightly in the backyard of the Tohsaka Mansion. Rin had made it _perfectly_ clear that if anything happened to her house, there would be explosive consequences. She'd start at dynamite and work her way up.

Behind Rider, Sella loosened her hold around the Servant's waist, and nearly– no, make that _definitely_– fell off Pegasus and into the thankfully think and soft grass, though the duffel bag she was carrying falling on her must definitely have hurt. "Uhh…" Sella groaned. "I'm definitely not made for flying…"

Rider's lips twitched as she alighted, dismissing the Phantasmal Beast for the time being. "Do you need help?" she asked, holding out a hand.

Sella took it gratefully, and without hesitation. Rider was still getting used to these people not being afraid of her. There was wariness, but that was apparently because of the scent that surrounded her. She pulled the maid up, bag and all, and there was the clatter of metal. Sella reached into her pocket and drew out a cellphone, pressing the speed dial as Rider leapt up to the roof. "We've arrived, Iris-sama," she said. "The neighbor hood seems quiet so far. Have Il– er, Ruby-chan's friends said how long they'd be?"

As if on cue, the sky darkened, prompting Sella to look up, only for her eyes to widen comically and cause her to scramble wildly out of the way. A split second later, what looked like a small train car fell from the sky, dropping on the ground with a slight thud.

"Ah!" someone inside the car cried out, and a figure slowly and apparently painfully climbed up to her feet. Of the several figures inside the car, she was the only one to do so. "Darn it, can't Green Lantern land this thing softer?"

"Perhaps you should have sat down on the floor as Green Lantern-san advised, Calculator-san," a masked girl in a shinobi outfit wearing a rather worn-looking cloth around her neck like a cross between a cape and a scarf said, opening the train car's door and stepping out, assisting a girl with vivid brown, nearly orange hair wearing a black seifuku-like outfit step off the train.

The girl, Calculator, grumbled but said nothing. She was holding a rather garish pink and yellow wand in one hand, topped with a heart and some ribbons trailing from it. Behind them stepped out a blue-haired girl in a blue and white sailor suit, who was then followed by three pairs of twins, two of them apparently little girls. They were all armed, two with swords, two with croquet mallets, and two with what appeared to be fully automatic rifles.

"Excuse me!" the blue-clad girl said, bowing at Sella. "I'm Sailor Mercury, and this is Calculator and Shinobi Blue. I believe we're expected?"

Sella blinked, stammering. "Um, yes. Welcome to the Tohsaka Mansion. I'm sorry I can't ask you inside for tea. Please forgive me," she said, bowing.

"Oh, that's perfectly all right," Sailor Mercury said, smiling as she waved a hand. "Have the Invaders appeared yet?"

"No," Sella said as she opened her bag, and began putting together her SAW Machine Gun, clipping on an ammo box marked 'explosive magical bullets'. "It's still pretty quiet. I don't think they're–"

"They're already here," Chisame said as Kaede finished putting together her BFS.

Sailor Mercury and Sella looked at her.

She jerked a thumb at the train car. "_That_ falls out of the sky and no one reacts? This neighborhood is already theirs…"

...

"We," Saber said matter-of-factly, "are all going to die."

Everyone screamed in agreement to punctuate her point.

"Eh? Will everyone stop being so loud?-!" Iris said as she drove in her usual manner. "It's very distracting."

More screaming.

"I'M GOING TO DIE!" Shiro and Rin chorused.

"I'M GOING TO DIE A VIRGIN!" Illya cried.

"I'M GOING TO DIE UNFULFILLED!" Luvia wailed.

"I'M GOING TO DIE WITHOUT TAKING ILLYA-CHAN'S VIRGINITY!" Kuro screamed.

Miyu just sat back, made sure her seatbelt was secure, and tried not to take too many elbows.

As the van Sakura had somehow Noble Phantasmed into existence careened through the streets under Iris's doubtful control, the Einzbern matriarch threw an elbow over her seat as she looked back at her passengers, driving one-handed. "By the way, Rin-san, Saber, Shiro-kun, I've been meaning to talk to you three," she said cheerfully.

"CAR!" everyone in the back seat screamed, pointing forward as Kiritsugu, long-experienced with his wife's non-driving, twitched the steering wheel back in line.

"Don't try to change the subject," she admonished, wagging a finger. She fixed them a bright smile, which was as close to a serious look as she was likely to get. "Now, you three, about what happened last night…"

"It was an emergency mana transfer!" Rin cried.

"It was all Rin's idea!" Shiro cried.

Saber stayed silent, merely trying not to get thrown around, although a blush rose to her cheeks.

"Regardless," Iris said, resting her chin on her shoulder as she wagged a finger at them. "What you did was very irresponsible. I know you don't carry protection, Shiro, and I doubt Rin does either. What if one of you girls becomes pregnant?"

"STEERING WHEEL!" everyone behind her cried, pointing to remind her she needed at least one hand and preferably both on the wheel as Kiritsugu tried to keep them going straight. They all sighed as she put a hand back on, then screamed again as she turned the wheel wildly left and right for no apparent reason.

"WE'RE GOING TO CRASH!" Shiro, Rin, Luvia, Illya and Kuro chorused.

"Surely this is divine punishment for my failure to correctly govern my kingdom," Saber said philosophically.

"Eh? Don't tell me you're still on that, Saber-chan?" Iris said. "You're still going to wish you'd never become king?"

"Eh?" Shiro said. "Saber, is this true?"

"It is irrelevant," Saber said. "My duty to my kingdom and my people have priority."

"WHAT THE HELL IS EVERYONE TALKING ABOUT?-!" Kuro demanded.

At about that moment, the van hit something.

Iris frowned. "Who left a giant bowling ball in the middle of the road?"

The 'bowling ball' seemed to turn to _stare_ at them.

"Oh, shi–" began Rin.

"OUT!" Kiritsugu cried as Iris snapped the van into reverse.

Illya and Miyu both reached for their Kaleidosticks, trying to change as fast as they could. "_COMPACT FULL OPEN!_"

In a burst of light, Saber was fully armored, tearing through her seat belt as if it was wet paper. The entire van shuddered, jumping a few inches off the ground as Saber just broke through the roof, weapon in hand. The giant bowling ball, which had begun to roll towards them, began shooting black spheres are her at artillery speeds, but Saber cut them all out of the air with negligent ease, each swipe of her blade cleaving through them easily, the spheres and remnants dissolving into nothing but glowing crystals.

"There are more of them!" Saber warned.

With a practiced movement, Luvia unclasped her seatbelt, pulling open the van's doors as everyone rushed out. They landed in a heap, Miyu and Illya still partly naked and transforming. Kuro recovered first, dragging those two to their feet, whirling to look around. Several other 'bowling ball's littered the road, all beginning to roll towards them now as well. They were close to the stairs to the temple. She recognized some of the landmarks. She looked farther, to the base of the stairs itself.

It was crowded with dark-suited creatures.

In a flash, she was clad in her Archer gear, cape fluttering, her meager skirt and breastplate barely concealing anything, a blade in either hand as the black sphere they'd run into crushed the van, just barely missing Shiro's foot. Saber dashed in, grabbing him and moving him farther away, her other hand not ceasing its movement, it's point driving into smaller black balls that streaked at them.

"Saber, onii-chan, move!" Illya cried, now in full Kaleido Ruby regalia, wand in hand. "Ruby, cone-shaped blast, maximum power!"

"Go!" Ruby said, and Illya swung. The cone-shaped blast of magic lashed out as Saber drew Shiro down, annihilating the shots coming at them and slamming into the black sphere. It rolled, large chunks of it gone from all the shots it had launched. Miyu dashed forward, sending a single, precise blast at the exposed core, destroying the thing completely.

Saber charged forward at the other black spheres rolling towards, sword swinging as she continued deflecting shots hurled at her. Behind her, Kuro stood, brow furrowed as she concentrated. The twin blades in her hands shimmered, then began to curl, spiraling inward into longer and more aerodynamic shapes.

"Kanshou and Bakuya II," Kuro muttered, smiling, then Broke both Noble Phantasms. She held one of the blades in her mouth as she extended her left arm, an enormous metal bow appearing. With mindless familiarity, she snapped her new arrow into place, drawing back the string. The bow bent, and she could feel the enormous pressure building up inside the weapon. She released, them immediately knocked the arrow in her mouth, drew and fired again.

Both arrows streaked forward as if one, the leading on slamming into a black sphere and exploding, cracking the hard protective shell of the Invader. The next arrow struck a heartbeat later in exactly the same spot, drawn there by its twin. The double impact shattered the weakened point, breaching the armor. Saber struck, exploiting the breach and expanding the opening, then darting back as Illya and Miyu finished the job, their magical blasts tearing through and penetrating to the core.

They continued like this, pushing the spheres of Invaders ahead of them with precise blasts when they could, tearing them apart more often. The four girls formed the forward line as the others followed behind them, watching the rear and keeping an eye out for ambush.

"This is bad!" Rin cried as they dodged behind the barrier Miyu set up. "At this rate, we'll be exhausted before we even _see_ Kotomine!"

It was true. Saber was using up energy, energy Shiro didn't have a lot of, and needed to conserve. Miyu and illya might have unlimited power at their command, but they themselves were getting physically tired. And Kuro…

"_KURO, STOP MOLESTING MIYU! AND GET YOUR HAND OFF HER ASS!_"

Well, she was coping. Feels, from the looks of it.

"We need help!" Luvia said, ducking from some debris. "Where's that backup Green Lantern-chan's friends promised us?"

At about that moment, a winged blur streaked from the sky, holding an enormous, crackling sword. It flashed by, and several of the Invaders in front of them shivered, slipping sideways as they were cut through cleanly. The figure looped around to them, landing between them and the Invaders.

"_Takemikazuchi,_" the winged, meido-clad figure before them intoned. "_Hyakka Ryōran Bakusabakuenjin!_"

Power whirled, energy crackling through the air as the enormous sword moved, trailing behind cherry blossoms and ionized air as all the Invaders before them exploded apart, overcome by the attack.

They stared, Saber eyeing the newcomer appraisingly. Illya's mouth had dropped open, drool dripping out as her eyes went slightly glazed and unfocused.

"_Mei-do…_" she moaned. One of Miyu's eyebrows twitched, but that was all.

The girl looked over her shoulder. "Sorry it took so long. The Invaders have forces in the air, which made it difficult to get here safely." She looked up, the others following her gaze. A green sphere was flying towards them. it landed in their midst, popping open to reveal a girl in a with outfit with distinctive red triangular trim. She stared in amazement at the sight before them.

"Wah! AngelGARd-chan is amazing!" she gushed, making the winged girl look slight uncomfortable.

Everyone blinked. "AngelGARd as in–" Kuro began.

"_Can we not get into that!_" AngelGARd cried, definitely blushing now.

"Magus Albus…" Luvia mused as she recalled something, eyeing the newer girl's clothes. "White Mage?"

She smiled.

"Can we all concentrate, please?" Saber said, rather annoyed.

"YES!" AngelGARd cried in relief. "Most definitely! We need to get through to those stairs, right? No problem! Let's go and stop talking about things!"

She turned and dashed off, leaving several people sweatdropping behind her.

"Easily flustered, isn't she?" Rin said.

The other new girl nodded. "Oh, I suppose I should introduce myself officially," she said, bowing to them. "Ala Alba Magical Girl Magus Albus, at your service. My specialty is healing, so I don't know about a lot of attack magic. Sorry."

The way thus cleared, they managed to charge at the entrance of the stairs. Between AngelGARd, the magical girls, Saber and a few well placed 'Sagitta Magica' spells from Magus Albus, they finally managed to break through. The landing of the stairs was an ungodly mess. There were several _enormous_ stone spheres scattered about, easily the size of the things they'd fought, though obviously much heavier. Judging from the damage all around, they had come down from the stairs.

"HAH!" Kuro exclaimed. "I _knew_ they had rolling balls of doom!"

There were fewer Invaders at the base of the stairs, and were easily dispatched without too much trouble. The stairs themselves were another matter. They were filled with Invaders climbing in orderly rows, five to a row and climbing relentlessly upward. Every single one with their back turned.

Miyu and Illya looked at each other and grinned. Well, Illya grinned. Miyu sort of just smiled.

Howling, the two magical girls flew forward, wands blasting indiscriminately as cleared the path before them, the others right behind them. Luvia and Rin had Reinforced themselves, climbing up the long flight of stairs, while Saber had grabbed Shiro and hauled him up. AngelGARd stayed behind to prevent any other Invaders taking _them_ from behind, and Magus Albus stayed with her.

As they got closer to the top, Miyu noticed the stairs getting more damaged. Some trees had a scorched look, and indeed some were still burning, though the freshness of the leaves kept the whole tree from bursting into flame. Someone had been throwing around fireballs. Those climbing were more aware of the damage. Steps shifted under their feet, and Saber felt several slip out from under her entirely, though these did nothing to stop her, and she barely noticed them. There were occasional wet patches, and in some places there were thin layers of melting ice that nearly killed Kiritsugu as he slipped on one, before Iris managed to catch him.

As they got within fifty feet of the top, they began to feel a battle raging, the ground shaking slightly under their feet from impacts, the whine in the air of molecules being supercharged of quickly displaced as blasts were exchanged. The skins of the Magi prickled as they felt the power being thrown around.

Caster was fighting.

They reached the top of the stairs, cutting some stragglers. The landing directly in front of the gate was wildly distended, the ground filled with strange ripple marks, as if the stone had turned liquid, then refrozen before it could settle completely. A huge pile of glowing crystals littered the ground around them, all the remains of a LOT of destroyed Invaders.

And in the courtyard beyond, Caster, Assassin, and Caster Minoris fought.

They faced an assemblage of several dark, insectile creatures. Four long, narrow, needle-sharp legs with serrated edges emanated from a diamond-shaped body, from with grew a long, flexible stalk, at the end of which was a similar body, topped by a triangular, pointed head on its own long neck stalk. There were several of them in the courtyard, facing the three Servants, attacking with their cutting arms or with kinetic blasts from their heads. Blasts for fire streaked from the two 'fictional' Servants, while Caster floated behind them, her cape wide open and glowing like some kind of butterfly from hell. Sigils filled the air around her, blasting magic at the Invaders.

The reason why there were still any to fight them became obvious, however. These Spider-Invaders moved _fast_¸ managing to skitter around and between the attacks, evading even Caster's own massed blasts. They jumped about, tucked themselves into balls to roll out of the way, and launched their own attack to break the three's rhythm. Already the two 'lesser' Servants were looking tired. The nature of their summoning meant that Caster wasn't feeding any magic to them, and that each spell they launched was fueled from their own stores.

All this came in retrospect, however. As they arrived, Illya and Miyu charged, using their own blasts to take the Invaders from behind, taking advantage of the element of surprise. They'd managed to take out six before the others noticed their arrival, and soon they had as much difficulty landing as hit a Caster did as the creatures began dodging their own attacks. Saber dashed in to attack at close range, her invisible sword, parrying at least five limbs per spider at a time as Kiritsugu did what he could, using his shotgun, with its magic bullets, to attack. Iris used her wires to try and bind the spiders to hold them in place, having moderate success. Each spider that was slowed for even a moment was instantly blasted by fire and magic.

Rin and Luvia guarded Iris, using their own magic to keep the Spiders away from them, trying to keep them back. Gandr spells smashed against kinetic blasts, slowing it down enough for Shiro, standing by his mother, to throw Traced objects at it and get it to expend its energy enough to his mother could guard against it. Soon a wide array of destroyed short swords, arrows, kitchen knives, and other such cheap objects littered the ground as well as Shiro made pragmatic use of what limited abilities he had. Kuro brought up the rear, opting to snipe these things rather than try to face then directly, as she usually would. Her bow fired sporadically, but unlike the others, each sword found it's mark, though it didn't always score an instantly decisive hit, since she was exchanging power for flight speed. Faced by attacks on two fronts, the Invaders slowly lost the upper hand as Caster finally switched to trying to hinder the Spiders rather than attacking them. Their numbers quickly began to dwindle.

This was, of course, when things started going wrong…

...

Kuro was just fitting another arrow into her bow, drawing back the string as she aimed when the hairs on the back of her neck stood on end. A burning, liquid sensation tore though her arm a split second before it seemed to catch fire, and her fingers loosened their hold on the bow string without her consent as her tendons were severed just as something roughly tugged on her bow-arm. The arrow-sword shot forward, the clumsy release causing the 300 pound draw bow-string to slam against her left forearm, ripping back the fabric and the skin, a wide swath of dark red instantly appearing as if by magic, beginning to bleed as the bow clattered to the ground.

The arrow-sword, released, streaked through the air, leaving a sonic boom in its wake as it crossed the length of the courtyard near-instantly as it streaked towards Caster Minoris. He barely had an instant to notice his Metal-crafting senses tell him something was close before the arrow slammed into his side, penetrating his armor like it was cheesecloth, the wide guard at the hilt tearing him open as the sword kept on penetrating, the force imparted into his body knocking him off his feet, throwing him back and away from Assassin. A few instants later, the sword exploded.

"Tavi!" Assassin cried, staring at where the other Servant was even now dissolving, his entire torso blown apart. Angrily, he whirled at the source of the attack, even as the others turned as they could, not slacking their attack or defense. What they saw stopped them cold, and nearly killed them if it weren't for Caster sudden and timely magical bombardment to distract the Spiders.

A tall, broad shouldered figure stood behind Kuro, the fingers of its right hand dripping with blood as it grasped Kuro bleeding arms with the other. Its face, Kotomine Kirei's face, wore a darkly satisfied smile. "Beautiful," it said, touching its blood-wet fingers to Kuro's cheek. "Such a compact Grail Vessel. Portable, travel ready, fits easily in a briefcase…"

Iris actually growled, waving an arm as her wires readied themselves to attack, but the Kirei-thing easily lifted Kuro by the arms, moving her in front of him. Iris paused, teeth clenched.

"Did you dress her, Kiritsugu?" Kirei-thing continued. "Is that why she's wearing this?"

Through her own clenched teeth, Kuro made a sound. Curious, Kirei-thing leaned a bit closer.

"…creepy… pervert… priest…!" Kuro managed to gasp out.

A frown crossed Kirei-thing's face. "I am really," he said, reaching around to lay his blood fingers on Kuro's sternum, "getting tired of you children calling me that."

Kuro's eyes snapped open wide as he shoved, her chest convulsing spasmodically as his hand began to tear into her. Blood began to gush from her chest as she continued to spasm. In a haze of blood, Kirei ripped out her heart as she screamed.

With a cry of primal fury, Iris attacked, glowing wires reforming into all manner of things meant to cause pain, not all of them weaponry, but before they could connect, three of the remaining Spider Invaders leapt over the wall and moved in front of Kirei, curling in on themselves and providing a barrier for him.

Shiro charged at Kirei howling, red across his vision. He felt power coursing through him, his mind focused on images of swords. He could see it in his mind's eye, that golden sword from his dreams. He could see the concept behind it, the structure of the thing. he could imagine the materials that went into making the shining blade, the skill needed to create it…

The blade snapped into shape his mind, becoming a clear, pure, _perfect_ thing, and he roared again, in pain as well as fury as in a burst of golden light swords appeared in either hand, eager for blood, eager to bite into this _thing_ that had _dared_ harm his sister so. His hands move with a smoothness that wasn't his own, his feet darting to the side as he dodged a blast sent at him, and another, and another. He dodged yet another blast, but it was too close, and his left hand moved in a blur, and he could feel his tendons burn at the unnatural speed as Caliburn swatted at the burst of kinetic energy. The blade shattered against the blast, protecting Shiro, but he didn't care, continuing in his charge, both hands on the single remaining Caliburn, he lunged, the blade shining in a pure light.

The next blast of kinetic energy launched from point blank range, shattering the remaining sword and slamming Shiro against the nearest wall, stunning him for the moment.

Illya was right behind him, screaming incoherently, a short but wickedly sharp and pointed blade now growing on the end of Ruby. She lunged at him, but he batted her aside negligently, and she slammed against the ground, landing scan feet from Kuro's body, which was still twitching as she struggled to breath despite the hole torn open on her chest.

Illya crawled to her sister. Dimly, she realized Luvia and Rin were attacking as well, but she ignored it, staring at Kuro. Her sister's golden eyes met hers, desperate and pleading. The wounds on her arms dripped sluggishly now without a heart to pump her blood. Ruby clattered from her fingers, and Illya ignored the wands frantic cries as she tried to cover up Kuro's chest, tried to get the wound to close.

"Kuro!" she cried, ignoring what was happening behind them, ignoring everything. "Kuro! Hang in there Kuro! Everything's going to be all right! It's going to be all right!"

Kuro's right arm twitched, moving closer to Illya's and Illya frantically clasped her sister's hand in her bloody fingers, willing for her to live, trying to call that mysterious power that had brought life to Kuro in the first place, tried to imagine some kind of lock inside her opening. But there was nothing. There was none of the rush of heat, the lightheaded. Just the sight of blood as her sister's life trickled out of her.

Kuro tried to smile, even as blood dripped from the side of her mouth. Her lips pouted, and one eye trembled weakly as it oh, so slowly winked.

Frantically, Illya flashed on the last time she thought she would lose Kuro, this oh-so-annoying, perverted girl who had dwelled sealed inside her until a fateful moment, and in desperation, lunged forward and planted her lips on her's. They tasted of blood.

Kuro's eyes widened, and then slowly shut as a feeling of peace washed over her, her body relaxing.

...

"_Kuro?" a vague shape said, and Kuro blinked as she looked up from where she was watching Illya kiss her blood-spattered soon-to-be corpse. "Kuro von Einzbern-Emiya?"_

_Kuro looked around, and could vaguely spot a feminine silhouette, in distinct as if through a mist. She could make out an umbrella, and some kind of hat, and even as she watched, the figure of the woman herself began to firm, solidify. "Yes?" she said. _

_Kuro caught the outline of a smile. "I don't usually do this," the figure said. "In fact, it looks like I might be taking you anyway soon. But I know what it's like to be worried about your younger sister, so I guess I'll pass it on."_

"_Excuse me?" Kuro said, confused. That smile had such nice, nice, shiny lips…_

"_Archer wants me to tell you," the figure said. "Don't give up. Live. You still haven't taken your sister's virginity…_"

...

Deep in the forest, something shone. Then a line of light launched itself into the air, leaving a shining white contrail in the sky…

...

The Magi fell back, even as Iris never ceased her attack on the _thing_ that had killed her daughter, trying to penetrate the wall of Invaders around him. The Spiders were gone, having reformed themselves into a protective wall like several enormous beetles around the creature, which was still holding Kuro's heart. The heart twitched, still beating its last.

Miyu, Saber, Shiro and Assassin charged forward, the latter leading with a superheated stream of fire that had people's eyebrows curling. It slammed into the protective armor of one of the creature, causing it to start to turn orange and for the thing to scream in pain, but it didn't penetrate. Neither did Caster's many, many blasts. Saber reached the weakened portion and began raining blows upon the softened substance, her sword cleaving through it like it was butter, trying to break through. The Beetle attacked her, and she had to draw back, even as Shiro tried to shoot an arrow into a gap, trying to hit Kirei. It barely managed to slip through, but Kirei raised a protective arm, deflecting the mundane projectile. His body looked insectile now, made of hard plates.

Caster suddenly gave a cry as she tumbled from the air. A Spider stood on the roof of the temple behind her, its mouth still open from the blast that had penetrated Caster's protections and struck her down. The marks on the roof proclaimed it had snuck around the outer wall to the back of the temple complex. Assassin dove to catch her, and barely made it in time, managing to keep the semi-conscious woman from cracking her head on the stony ground. He himself was panting, looking drawn and pale, trembling slightly as he moved. He barely rolled them away from a second blast, and Miyu darted in to shield them as Rin and Luvia rushed over to help drag Caster to the side.

_You foiled me once Emiya, you and that interfering Caster woman…_

Within his protection, the Kirei-thing raised the trembling heart up to his face, inhaling deeply, savoring its scent.

_Not this time. I will no allow you to take them Grail again._

He moved it closer, licking the blood from its surface.

_I shall possess the Grail now… and none will take it away from me as I watch the birth of perfect evil born from purity upon this world…_

His jaw distended, and he swallowed the heart whole.

A wave pulsed outward, nothing physical or real, but deeply penetrating, and the Magi froze, Caster jolted from her stunned stupor as the feeling of _wrongness_ washed over them.

The Invaders stopped, shivered… and them seemed to dissolve, oozing around Kirei and beginning to wrap around him. It grew, shaping itself, bulging outward, becoming a large, bubbling mass that dominated the center of the courtyard as the others watched on in horror.

On the side facing Kiritsugu, the mass shifted, and the arms, torso and head of a man appeared, an expression of unholy bliss on the face of the thing.

_I… AM… THE… GRAIL! I am the Victor of the Holy Grail War! And now, I shall have my wish…_

Beneath him, the mass convulsed, an opening appearing from it, pouring out a dark, iridescent liquid, like crude oil, only much, much thicker. Kiritsugu stepped back reflexively as he recognized the substance. It roiled as if boiling, and its bubbles formed disturbingly human and inhuman shapes.

_Call your Servants, useless Masters! Call them so I might take their souls! Call them, or I shall take your Seals and do so myself. And where's the fun in that?_

...

Caster trembled as she felt the world change. She grinned.

"Are you ready?" she asked the spirit holding her hand.

A grim smiled. "Oh, _yes…_"

...

_Kuro stared at the thing in the courtyard, feeling oddly disconnected from it all. She couldn't describe it well, because what words were there to solidify the ethereal and lock them into base forms? Like a pure marble cathedral melting, or a perfect work of beauty turning into an equally perfect work of ugliness. _

_And yet__, in the midst of all that, she caught sight of two forms, standing in the heart of it, looking more real to her than everything around. They waved at her, and she felt herself grin. _

_The figure looked over Kuro__'s shoulder, smiling. "Looks like your ride back is here."_

_Kuro looked, and saw a blazing light. "Is that heaven?"_

"_It leads to where everything you've ever wanted can come to you," the figure said. _

_Kuro paused. It drew her, that light. And she took some comfort in realizing the way to it neither sloped downward, nor echoed with the sound of an incoming train. She took a step towards it, then paused. She turned back to the figure and bowed. "Thank you for your time, onee-chan."_

_The figure smiled. "Any time. Guess I'll be seeing you some other time."_

_Still Kuro hesitated. Ah, what the heck. "Um, I was wondering…"_

_A perfect eyebrow rose, prompting her to continue._

"_It's a dry day, and I need a little lip balm…"_

_There was a giggle, and a cold feeling of lips on hers, even as Kuro felt herself moving towards the light. It was calling her name__._

"_**Kuro von Einzbern-Emiya of Earth…"**_

...

"… _**LIVE.**_"

Kuro felt something slipping itself onto one of her fingers. Warmth filled her, the warmth of prana, of sunlight against her skin, of healthy, living flesh. There was a jolt in her chest as she felt something start to beat again, felt liquid heat momentarily running down her arms as blood started to flow once more. She felt her wounds closing, the even lines on her right arm knitting themselves closed, the torn flesh on her left being covered up, smoothening. The cold, airy feeling on her chest ceased, the pain there dwindling into nothing.

Eyes still closed, she raised her left hand, wrapping it around Illya's waist as she squeezed Illya's fingers with the other. A low, pleased moan rose from her throat. She opened her eyes, in time to see Illya's snap open in surprise. Illya's mouth snapped open, and Kuro took the opportunity to stick in her tongue.

"_MMMPHM!_" Illya cried, pulling her head back and wiping her mouth frantically, smearing it with more blood. "_**Kuro?-!**_"

Kuro grinned. "What's the matter, sis? You seemed just fine corpse-fucking me a second ago."

Illya blushed, but even her indignation couldn't eclipse her surprise. Kuro reached over and touched her bloody face, and instantly the blood flaked away, dissolving into dust, leaving Illya completely clean. Kuro stood, her white capelet fluttering behind her, looking down at herself, holding her arms out before her.

Her clothes had been bleached from red to brilliant, glowing white. She could see the shadows behind Illya shifting as Kuro moved, could see the slight glow surrounding her. She held out a hand, and an enormous white bow appeared in her hands. She grinned.

"_CREEPY PERVERT PRIEST!_" she cried, knowledge filling her mind. "_ROUND TWO!_"

A sword of light appeared in her hand, and she fired…

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: It just occurred to me, but Archer has the same hairstyle as Gilgamesh, that upward, straight look. Could this be a case of a 'look' enforced by the Grail and the Servant System? Or… could it be that at some point, Counter Guardian Emiya _knowingly_ adopted the look of one of the sickest, slimiest, most murderous beings he'd ever met? Thoughts?

I'm taking some liberties with Gil-kun's origin. Some of his 'canon' bio is basically over-inflation or mistaken, like that fact that Arturia is actually a girl. I won't mention it here because I'd rather he mention it in story, but trust me, there's a reason he recognized Sailor Moon as Serenity.

'Sagitta Magica' is a basic spell, ad Konoka can probably do it, so she can.

Unfortunately, someone had to die. I just wished I'd made better use of the character before then.

To add to my list of skills, I actually _am_ an archer, and I'd like to say that getting hit by the bow-string _HURTS LIKE HELL! _That's a lot of compressed energy, after all. As I've assigned Archer– and by extension Kuro– a 300 pound draw bow (hey, the thing can launch _Noble Phantasms!_), bad things will happen. On another note, Kuro can only exert 300 pounds of force when drawing her bow. It's a magic thing.

Please lots of reviews, this was a long time coming.

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	15. Let This Be Our Final Battle!

A/N: Unlimited Blade Works isn't awesome any more, I'm told. After all, lots of people can use it now. Well, that all depends…

_**Nanoha of 2814**_ updates in tandem with the next chap, since I haven't had much inspiration for it yet. Maybe if people reviewed a lot, I'll think of something…

TvTropes, dattebayo!

_**The Psychic Mind**_, It's been a long time coming, but it's finally here! Presenting the Badass Einzbern-Emiya Family!

...

FATE/Holy Grail War of 2814

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 15: Let This Be Our Final Battle!

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story. If I did… well, this would all be canon. WARNING: MAY CAUSE HEAD EXPLOSION! Really wish someone would rec this. TvTropes, dattebayo!

...

Once upon a time, there had been a nameless soul. There was no way to tell his past. It could not be said who he was in life, what his name had been, what he had looked like. This soul had died… and had, inexplicably been reborn, granted a new name of inexplicable length and Gratuitous Latin-ity. He could not remember his past life, for his mind had been filled with the memories of a fictitious existence. There was no way to tell why he'd been chosen, whoever he'd once been. Perhaps he'd once, in life, had powers similar to the fictional entity whose name and face he now had. Perhaps he'd had a similar mind. Perhaps he was a madman who actually thought he _was _ that person. There is no longer any way to tell.

He was the Servant Caster Minoris. Tavi. Gaius Octavian. All false names of a false existence of a nonexistent being.

He never understood what had prompted his summoner, the true Caster, to call him up. All he knew was that he'd been called forth, bound to a temple's gate, to act as its guard along with another like him, another being summoned as a Servant, but a being who was not real. Servant Assassin. Their friendship was an odd one, born of similarities of birth. They'd combed through their memories for some clue to who they'd been (for they understood instinctively they could not _possibly_ be the beings whose forms they possessed, despite having their alleged memories) but came up with only recollections of heroes who had never truly walked the Earth.

So they guarded the gate they'd been made to guard, playing games to pass the time. Except for a little excitement one night, it was fairly uneventful and boring.

And then it ended…

...

The Magi fell back, even as Iris never ceased her attack on the _thing_ that had killed her daughter, trying to penetrate the wall of Invaders around him. The Spiders were gone, having reformed themselves into a protective wall like several enormous beetles around the creature, which was still holding Kuro's heart. The heart twitched, still beating its last.

Miyu, Saber, Shiro and Assassin charged forward, the latter leading with a superheated stream of fire that had people's eyebrows curling. It slammed into the protective armor of one of the creature, causing it to start to turn orange and for the thing to scream in pain, but it didn't penetrate. Neither did Caster's many, many blasts. Saber reached the weakened portion and began raining blows upon the softened substance, her sword cleaving through it like it was butter, trying to break through. The Beetle attacked her, and she had to draw back, even as Shiro tried to shoot an arrow into a gap, trying to hit Kirei. It barely managed to slip through, but Kirei raised a protective arm, deflecting the mundane projectile. His body looked insectile now, made of hard plates.

Caster suddenly gave a cry as she tumbled from the air. A Spider stood on the roof of the temple behind her, its mouth still open from the blast that had penetrated Caster's protections and struck her down. The marks on the roof proclaimed it had snuck around the outer wall to the back of the temple complex. Assassin dove to catch her, and barely made it in time, managing to keep the semi-conscious woman from cracking her head on the stony ground. He himself was panting, looking drawn and pale, trembling slightly as he moved. He barely rolled them away from a second blast, and Miyu darted in to shield them as Rin and Luvia rushed over to help drag Caster to the side.

_You foiled me once Emiya, you and that interfering Caster woman…_

Within his protection, the Kirei-thing raised the trembling heart up to his face, inhaling deeply, savoring its scent.

_Not this time. I will not allow you to take the Grail again._

He moved it closer, licking the blood from its surface.

_I shall possess the Grail now… and none will take it away from me as I watch the birth of perfect evil born from purity upon this world…_

His jaw distended, and he swallowed the heart whole.

A wave pulsed outward, nothing physical or real, but deeply penetrating, and the Magi froze, Caster jolted from her stunned stupor as the feeling of _wrongness_ washed over them.

The Invaders stopped, shivered… and them seemed to dissolve, oozing around Kirei and beginning to wrap around him. It grew, shaping itself, bulging outward, becoming a large, bubbling mass that dominated the center of the courtyard as the others watched on in horror.

On the side facing Kiritsugu, the mass shifted, and the arms, torso and head of a man appeared, an expression of unholy bliss on the face of the thing.

_I… AM… THE… GRAIL! I am the victor of the Holy Grail War! And now, I shall have my wish…_

Beneath him, the mass convulsed, an opening appearing from it, pouring out a dark, iridescent liquid, like crude oil, only much, much thicker. Kiritsugu stepped back reflexively as he recognized the substance. It roiled as if boiling, and its bubbles formed disturbingly human and inhuman shapes.

_Call your Servants, useless Masters! Call them so I might take their souls! Call them, or I shall take your Seals and do so myself. And where's the fun in that?_

...

_Kuro stared at the thing in the courtyard, feeling oddly disconnected from it all. She couldn't describe it well, because what words were there to solidify the ethereal and lock them into base forms? Like a pure marble cathedral melting, or a perfect work of beauty turning into an equally perfect work of ugliness. _

_And yet, in the midst of all that, she caught sight of two forms, standing in the heart of it, looking more real to her than everything around. They waved at her, and she felt herself grin. _

_The figure looked over Kuro's shoulder, smiling. "Looks like your ride back is here."_

_Kuro looked, and saw a blazing light. "Is that heaven?"_

"_It leads to where everything you've ever wanted can come to you," the figure said. _

_Kuro paused. It drew her, that light. And she took some comfort in realizing the way to it neither sloped downward, nor echoed with the sound of an incoming train. She took a step towards it, then paused. She turned back to the figure and bowed. "Thank you for your time, onee-chan."_

_The figure smiled. "Any time. Guess I'll be seeing you some other time."_

_Still Kuro hesitated. Ah, what the heck. "Um, I was wondering…"_

_A perfect eyebrow rose, prompting her to continue._

"_It's a dry day, and I need a little lip balm…"_

_There was a giggle, and a cold feeling of lips on hers, even as Kuro felt herself moving towards the light. It was calling her name._

"_**Kuro von Einzbern-Emiya of Earth…"**_

...

"… _**LIVE.**_"

Kuro felt something slipping itself onto one of her fingers. Warmth filled her, the warmth of prana, of sunlight against her skin, of healthy, living flesh. There was a jolt in her chest as she felt something start to beat again, felt liquid heat momentarily running down her arms as blood started to flow once more. She felt her wounds closing, the even lines on her right arm knitting themselves closed, the torn flesh on her left being covered up, smoothening. The cold, airy feeling on her chest ceased, the pain there dwindling into nothing.

Eyes still closed, she raised her left hand, wrapping it around Illya's waist as she squeezed Illya's fingers with the other. A low, pleased moan rose from her throat. She opened her eyes, in time to see Illya's snap open in surprise. Illya's mouth snapped open, and Kuro took the opportunity to stick in her tongue.

"_MMMPHM!_" Illya cried, pulling her head back and wiping her mouth frantically, smearing it with more blood. "_**Kuro?-!**_"

Kuro grinned. "What's the matter, sis? You seemed just fine corpse-fucking me a second ago."

Illya blushed, but even her indignation couldn't eclipse her surprise. Kuro reached over and touched her bloody face, and instantly the blood flaked away, dissolving into dust, leaving Illya completely clean. Kuro stood, her white capelet fluttering behind her, looking down at herself, holding her arms out before her.

Her clothes had been bleached from red to brilliant, glowing white. She could see the shadows behind Illya shifting as Kuro moved, could see the slight glow surrounding her. Light filled her mind, and time seemed to grow still.

She knew.

She _KNEW_.

Forget the war. She had found the Grail. She had found Akasha.

…

It was surprisingly anticlimactic.

Knowledge filled her, random things, pulled out of a vast sea with no regard to order, significance or use. The Light was life after all, connecting all life. Connecting to the Root itself. Words, images, visions filled, and she knew they were, in some time, in some place, true. She touched the infinite and, for a heartbeat that lasted forever, the world around her was peeled back.

"_In the last, lorn fight against the fall of long night, the mountains stand guard and the dead shall be ward, for the grave is no bar to my call! Spirit of Olivie Segbrecht, I summon you! ETERNITY!"_

_Kuro saw a young woman, wearing an apron over a dark dress, who looked vaguely familiar. A glowing point of orange light flew to her finger, and her clothes changed. She threw back her head and laughed, and Kuro felt terror course through her…_

"_I am not just some woman, fool! I am Achilles, the invincible! Fall before my spear!"_

_Two women held each other in a passionate embrace. One seemed washed out, her skin and hair pale as if bleached, with golden eyes. Both of them were Saber…_

"_**Subaru Nakajima of Mid-Childa, there is great hope in your heart…**__"_

_Green Lantern-chan stood in an empty void, surrounded by dozens of strange beings who wore clothes like hers. All looked at her in terror as she opened her eyes, which glowed with a sickly golden light. She smiled, and her mouth was lined with long, pointed teeth…_

"_I'm not going to be 'kid' anything anymore! I'm stepping out of your shadow, Wally. From now on, call me Impulse."_

_A creature seemingly made of crystal that glowed in shades of pink and violet, looking like some kind of creature from a Sigourney Weaver movie loomed over a small human form, clad in black a radiant blue, a halo above her, blue wings outstretched. She held a pink wand topped with a yellow star in one hand. They stood before an enormous structure that glowed with power, surrounded by innumerable beings, all female. Slowly, they knelt before the one clad in blue…_

"_The gem was forged in evil's fire, the gem shall be his portal. He comes to bring, he comes to sire, the end of all things mortal…"_

_An older Rin stood, wearing appropriately Rin-like clothes: high stockings, short skirts, all else window dressing. She wore a crimson mask, and in her hands she held a crystal sword that glittered with the colors of the rainbow…_

"_Krypton Crystal Power, Make UP!"_

_Illya stood in a dark cave, calmly donning a dark armor. She was older, her face impassive, almost unreal. The thick, metal plated suit she wore made her form androgynous. As she covered her head with a dark helm, the shadows fell away to reveal a stylized bat on her chest…_

"_**Hiroshima, Nagasaki: RISE!**__"_

_A man in full evening dress stood before the dark figure of a woman with a top hat, his ragged cape fluttering. She held an enormous scythe in her hands, a lantern of some sort built where staff and blade met. She held out her hand, and he knelt before her…_

"_Halt, evil doers! In the name of Olympus, I, Magical Amazon Princess Diana, shall defeat you!"_

_AngelGARd and a busty, long-haired girl in a kimono with cat-ears on her head faced each other, blades in hand, while a teenaged boy and Magus Erebus both tried futilely to argue with them. In the background, people were setting up chairs and snacks, and money was changing hands. Kuro was looking particularly smug as she accepted a lot of money from some rather annoyed-looking people…_

"_Khaji-da!"_

_A dark-skinned warrior stood upon bloodstained stones, staring down at her hands, her white garments fluttering around her. She held out a hand, and an enormous white bow appeared in her outstretched palm. She grinned, and yelled out a challenge, a sword of light appearing in her other hand. She fired, then charged forward…_

"_Good afternoon everyone. I am Colonel Matou Shinji. Welcome to Riot Force 6…"_

_A plain office door, with plain letters on the frosted glass reading, "Dresden and Prince Investigations"…_

"_In other news, Joe Quesada has finally been convicted of Crimes Against Humanity for the storyline 'One More Day', and has been sentenced to life in basic Creative Writing courses in a college in Nigeria. All things that happened to Spiderman during his editorial run have been rendered null and void and will be ret-conned out in next month's 'Joe Quesada Never Existed' company-wide crossover-event…"_

_A man clad in black ran, silver lightning bolts glistening from the sides of his head as a black ring pulsed on his finger…_

"_Now, feel the power of the Noble Phantasm of the Tohsaka Clan, Multiple-Dimension Refraction Phenomenon weaponized for the new age! __**Jeweled… Sword… CALLANDOR!**__"_

_Six women of varying ages stood together. The tallest, a busty woman with her blue hair in pigtails stood in the middle, obviously the leader, holding an axe-like staff with a blue gem in her hands. The others were of varying ages, with twins with blonde hair who looked ten, a short-haired one who looked about fourteen, one with a pony-tail who looked twelve, and a dead-eyed child who looked barely eight. Each wore tight bodysuits, with a roman numeral at the collar ranging from XIII to XVIII…_

"_Welcome to the Justice League. I'm the Flash, and this is Beast Boy. For your final practical exam, you each need to subdue a Tyrannosaurs Rex by yourself. Begin."_

_On a battlefield, a lone warrior stood. An obscene number of ornate weapons– swords, spears, arrows, knives, even an axe or two– protruded from his bleeding body. His skin was dark, his hair pale, though he still looked fairly young. His black breastplate was cracked and broken, and the rest of his clothes was even redder that usual with his blood. In his hand was a bloody card, the image on it crisp and clear. _

Kuro's mind gasped as she read the card, even as the light seemed to dim, and she found herself back in her body, knowledge, the _potential_ for knowledge, singing in her mind. She held out a hand, and an enormous white bow appeared in her hands. She grinned.

"_CREEPY PERVERT PRIEST!_" she cried. "_ROUND TWO!_"

A sword of light appeared in her hand, and she fired. The arrow streaked through the air, but even as it flew Kuro was charging forward, powering gathering in her hands, envisioning–

_Light. Swords filled her mind, hundreds, thousands, millions of them. She could see them, indistinct, unreal, yet she knew what they were, what their names were, or _could_, if she wanted to. _Her mind drifted to the sword she saw in her vision, _and it was there in her mind, a sword of pure crystal, glittering with the colors of the rainbow, made by…_Rin?

She ignored the details, focusing on the image in her mind. She judged the concept, the structure, the composition. She imitated the skill, piled on the years upon it, surpassed the process in which it was made, the steps instinctive to her. The knowledge for these things came to her mind as she thought them, and the sword appeared in her hand, perfect in every way, a crystal broadsword. The sword began to shine as she activated it, infinite prana filling in from infinite worlds. She held it in both hands, the tip pointed behind her as she readied it. She set her feet, skidding as she unleashed its power.

"_**Noble Phantasm! JEWELED… SWORD… CALLANDOR!**_"

Light came forth.

She swung the sword, and light shot out from it, a destructive gush not unlike what she had seen the night before. Or that morning, for that matter. It rushed from the blade, more an attack from, say, a demonic cannon girl than from a sword, a rainbow-colored beam of destructive magic. It washed forward, causing everyone to shield their eyes as the dark abomination in the center of the courtyard was caught in the blast. Dimly she heard Illya stopping dead behind her, Ruby clattering to the ground again as she lost her grip in astonishment.

"_Attack non-lethal,"_ the ring on her finger said coolly, a triangle shooting forth seven rays barely visible on it's opalescent surface. _"Prepare against retaliation."_

That was all the warning Kuro needed as an almost physical _mass _of kinetic blasts erupted from dust kicked up by the blast. She dodged, grabbing Illya, and raising her right hand, the ring on her finger covering her with a bright white aura, the hole in her chest plug up by white light as her insides knit and repaired themselves. A barrier of light wove from the ring, a vaguely circular shape with waves of energy pulsing upward from a central point. The blast hit it, and was neutralized, though Kuro grunted at the sudden effort.

_You are getting to be as annoying as your parents, brat!_

"It's in the blood," Kuro said, teeth bared.

"KURO?-!" people cried as they realized she wasn't lying on a pool of blood with her heart torn out.

Kuro pointed at the Kirei-thing dramatically. "Kotomine Kirei, A.E.G.I.S. code name designation Fallen, for crimes against humanity, including arson, murder, jaywalking, and the continued proliferation of vampire teen novels, by the authority of the United Magical Girl Association, Fuyuki Fate Knights Division, and the Justice League, I am hereby authorized to exterminate you!"

A large blast erupted behind her, scaring the hell out of Illya as her sister posed dramatically, framed by white sparks and streamers.

Crickets chirped.

_What?_

It sounded really confused.

Kuro blinked, frowning, then suddenly knocked on her head. "Oh, silly me. That all hasn't happened yet. Man, this White Knight thing is confusing."

"_Subject is insufficiently suited to optimally wield the White Light,_" the ring on her finger said.

"Shut up, you," Kuro said, easily twirling the sword in her hand. She leveled it at Kirei-thing again. "You stole my heart. You should know better than to mess with a maiden's heart."

KIrei-thing gave her a blank look. The mass he was attached to convulsed, and the moment was shattered as dozens of pustules grew from the mass, shooting kinetic blasts. Iris shielded herself and her husband with her alchemy, while Miyu did what she could for the others as Kuro manifested a white circular shield to protect her and Illya.

Kuro breathed hard, shielding Illya protectively. She could feel a burning hollowness in her chest. And knew she was still on borrowed time. Her heart wasn't back yet, just replaced, her chest plugged up by white light, her blood pumped by the same.

"Kuro," Illya growled. "Get your hand off my ass."

She grinned down at her sister. "What, no punching me into orbit?"

"I'm being nice because you got your heart ripped out," Illya snapped. "Hand, off!"

Kuro laughed, and pecked her on the cheek. Even that minor contact drew a sliver of prana from the other girl. "I love you, you know that?" she said. Illya somehow managed to blush more.

Kuro suddenly grunted as another concentrated blast struck her shield. She thought of Miyu and her mother, and suddenly _knew_ they were weakening, that she needed to act to help relieve their strain. "Illya," Kuro said. "What Class Cards do you have?"

Illya checked. "I've got Lancer, Assassin and… Berserker."

Kuro smiled grimly. "Here's the plan…"

The ground beneath them rumbled.

Kuro looked over her shoulder. "Quick-notes version, then," Kuro said, and before Illya could react, she was kissing her, their lips coming together. Illya made a protesting, indistinct sound, but Kuro ignored her, using the opportunity to draw some prana. Then the kiss was over, and Kuro was pushing her back, Illya's mind whirling with bright little lights, and a plan fully formed in her mind, and plan that wasn't hers.

Kuro let out a cry as she charged. She made her capelet inflate behind her, tried to make herself a bigger target, tried to get the thing's attention. Her aura grew brighter as she charged, dodging the kinetic blasts that were being aimed at her now. She had to dodge: every iota of power she took from the ring was power that wasn't being used to regenerate her heart. Her options with the ring were limited. That said, she was still _her._

"_I call the bone in your sword…" _she chanted her aria, feeling the world change slightly. She gestured, and swords shot forth like rain. They were shot out of the air with blasts, shattering the plain nameless weapons, but Kuro kept sending more, drawing closer with every step.

The mass convulsed, and long, tentacle-like limbs shot forth, forcing Kuro to dodge. She severed one with a blade, then another, back-flipped over a third, and suddenly Kuro was only ten feet away. More tentacles grew out, wrapping around the Kirei-thing even as it started trying to sink back in. The tentacles were thick, too thick for a sword not shot from her bow, thick enough not to be cut easily. Tentacles tried to wrap around her, tried to surround her fom all suggestions, and she traced, Swords worming edged walls around her, buying her time. She wasn't really limited to just swords, it was just what came easiest.

"_Trace, on!_" she cried, feeling the burning of magic in her circuits as she took a stance. "_Gae Bolg!_"

The blood-red spear leapt into her hands, considerably more prana being used up in its making. The accumulated combat experiences the weapon had been through washed over her, the foreign knowledge a strange echo of the ring on her finger. Power coursed through the activated Noble Phantasm as she lunged with it, its reversal of causality already in effect. If a path to the target's heart existed, it would be found.

The Lance of Death attacked… and found no path to the heart, found no heart to seek. It slammed into the protective tentacles around the Kirei-thing, biting deep, infecting with its curse. Its power allowed it to keep on penetrating, punching through tentacle after tentacle, the tip finally erupting and stopping short of it's target.

_And what was _that_ supposed to accomplish?_

Kuro back-flipped away from an errant tentacle, rebounding off one of the swords she'd made, her foot coming to rest on the end of the spear. The contact was enough. She pushed power into it.

"_Gae Bolg: Lance of Striking Death Flight!_" she cried, giving the spear a hard shove with her foot a she leapt once more, and simultaneously Broke it. She had to. Without the kinetic energy of being hurled, it needed every kick it could get.

A shield of white light wove around her as the spear exploded, it's cursed power, though diminished by it's improper utilization, more than destructive enough to send her flying, and likely would have killed her without the shield. She felt something in her chest stop, saw the patch of light on her chest flicker for a moment as power was diverted, before both resumed again as she slammed into the ground, rolling with the force.

"That was an insane plan!" Illya cried as she rushed up and helped Kuro to her feet.

"It's not done yet," Kuro chirped. "Be ready."

They regrouped quickly as the smoke cleared. The explosion was hardly minor, tearing apart a significant chunk of the dark mass the Kirei-thing had become. Saber stepped up beside Kuro, her sword ready, staring in mixed determination and horror at the sight. Kuro wondered what she saw with her spiritual eyes. Her vision started to blur in response to this idle thought, but Kuro quashed it. she could afford that now.

Shiro was right behind his Servant, and Illya and Miyu moved to stand at her other side. Iris, Rin and Luvia were doing their best to minister to Assassin and Caster, and the latter Servant was already starting to rouse, but Kuro wasn't depending on her support. The former, however…

"Can you fight?" she asked, watching the dark mass.

"I'd rather not," he said tiredly. "I'm almost out, and the lady over here can't give me any to replace it."

Kuro nodded. "Things are about to get messy."

"Messier than this?" Rin growled sarcastically.

_Was that the best you had, child? A pity. I expected something more from the Einzbern's secret weapon…_

The mist began to clear as Illya and Miyu raised their wands. A sword appeared in Shiro's hands, a copy of Caliburn. Kuro could see it was still highly flawed. The shape was right, but…

_But then, this war has been one disappointment after another. You are all just children, and your Servant's show this. Weak. Ineffectual. Pathetic. Ultimately pointless…_

"_Ring power at 35 percent," _Kuro's ring said. "_Cellular regeneration and organ replacement at 47 percent._"

_It's not like it was in our day, visit, Emiya? It was a true war then. You destroyed an entire hotel building just to get at Tohsaka-sempai, I recall…_

"Be ready…" Kuro warned as the dark mass shifted, a dark, viscous liquid like hellish oil beginning to pour from the thing.

_Listen to me… I sound like my father. But those were the days, Emiya. War was war. _

The oily substance began to bulge upward.

_Shall we show them how it was once done?_

A wave of the _wrongness_ erupted again, and to Kuro's ears, Gaia and Aliya screamed in unison as the unnatural was brought into the world. The darkness, the evil pouring from the tainted Grail rose, solidifying itself into humanoid figures. A man in dark armor, blurring and indistinct, with crimson lines all over his body. An enormous bear of a man, with a full beard and madness-filled eyes in dark Grecian armor, the once-gold trim shining with a crimson light. A dark-clad figure with a skull-like mask, eyes burning like hell itself. A beautiful-looking man, skin and hair pale as if washed out and bleached, holding a spear in either hand.

_I hold the power of the Grail still. Who needs souls when empty vessels are so easy to make? _

Another dark-figure rose, its dark skirts wide, its black armor covered with eldritch scarlet lines, eyes shining gold. The woman in Kuro's vision. Saber, as seen through a mirror darkly. Next to Kuro, Saber stiffened, eyes wide.

Two more appeared. One was obviously Gilgamesh, armor dark as knight, traced in red the same as all the others, the face strangely blank and lifeless. The other was a woman. She was small, shorter than Caster. Her golden eyes were wide and soulless, her black beret making her head look like a mushroom. Three pairs of black wings seemed to grow from her back, and she held a black-stained, crimson-trimmed staff in one hand, and a book in the other. Her legs were clearly visible beneath her short skirt, and the jacket she wore didn't look very protective.

"Berserker," Kuro identified each as they appeared. "Rider. Assassin. Lancer. Saber. Archer. Caster. All from the 4th Holy Grail War."

"How do you know?" Illya said.

"I know…" Kuro murmured. "Mom, I need you to give Rin your phone. Rin, call Sakura. We'll need her."

Luvia's hands tightened. One moved towards her Command Seals.

"Not yet," Kuro said. "Not–"

They attacked without warning.

Dark Assassin charged forward, blurring and multiplying into an army in an instant.

"ILLYA, NOW!" Kuro cried, she and Saber charging in as well, with Shiro coming up behind. He and Dark Rider clashed, the sword in Dark Rider's hands meeting the twin blades in Shiro's own. Sparks flew. Kiritsugu did what he could to provide covering fire.

Illya drew out a Class Card, holding it out. "_Let thy body rest under my dominion!_" she intoned. "_If thou submittest to the call of the Holy Grail and if thou wilt obey this mind, this reason, then thou shalt respond. I make my oath here. I am that person who is to become the virtue of all Heavens. I am that person who is covered with the evil of all Hades. Thou seven heavens, clad in a trinity of words, come past thy restraining rings, and be thou the hands that protect the balance! INSTALL!-!-!-! ASSASSIN CLASS!-!-!_"

An intricate array of light carved itself beneath Illya as her clothing changed, Ruby changing form in her hands into a wooden staff. Dark slacks that hugged her legs tightly, revealing thier shape. A dark shirt held closed by a single button, revealing her stomach and most of her collarbone. Dark boots. A long, black leather duster engraved with runes.

"The hell?" Assassin managed.

Illya opened her eyes, facing the hordes off Dark Assassins before her. None were any match for a Servant. And now, she had the power of one, even if that Servant was also Assassin. And with the infinite power pouring out from Ruby…

She raised a hand. "_FRIGIDO!_" she cried, ripping the body heat out of everyone one of the approaching mass of Dark Assassins she could get her metaphysical hands on. They all froze solid instantly, frost building on them in an eye- blink as the very air around them froze. She wove the heat, and flame lanced out at them, burning them to a crisp. "Yeah! Woo hoo! What have you got for a fiery beam of death! You got _nothing_ for the fiery beam of death!"

Dark Caster thrust her palm upwards as the others charged. "_Diabolic Emission,_" she intoned.

"_Trace, on!_" Kuro cried, countering, dodging between dying Dark Assassins. "_Ensis Exorcizans!_"

Dark Caster lashed out with her cross-tipped staff's blade, but Saber was there first, catching the weapon on her own invisible sword. Kuro was right next to her, slashing upwards, barely missing Dark Caster's arm as the Artifact Noble Phantasm disrupted her spell. Kuro's return slash attempted to cleave her in two, but suddenly Dark Saber was there, and it was all Kuro could do to disengage without losing her arm. Saber shifted targets, attacking her doppelganger.

Dark Caster lunged forward, moving with more skill than her class usually did, her staff a deadly spear. Kuro parried with her own blade, but Dark Caster was quick, their weapon's clashing and striking sparks even as Dark Caster obviously readied another spell.

"_Actus Noctis Erebea,_" Dark Caster intoned, her body actually becoming darker, her movements more forceful and faster. Kuro tried to finish her off, but was painfully reminded there were more players on the field as an enormous armored hand slammed down on her weapon. Lines instantly began to grow at the point of contact as Dark Berserker wrenched the weapon away from her.

She went with the movement, dodging the now-compromised Noble Phantasm, barely dodging Dark Lancer's own attack. Illya yelled as she finished off the last of the Dark Assassins and attacked Dark Berserker, lances of flame erupting from her hands.

"The sword destroys magic!" Kuro managed to yell out. Illya cried out something ruder than usual as she dodged. Then Kuro had her own problems as Dark Lancer moved in, both cursed spears stabbing at her. Roaring, she Traced weapons to her hands and met his attack.

...

Illya dodged Dark Berserker's attacks in a panic. Each slash was always too close for comfort, each attack closer than the last. Dark Berserker was much faster than he had a right to be, for someone of his size. But Illy'a Install had significantly boosted her speed, and she was able to stay ahead, if barely at times. She blasted fire at the thing, but it swiped them out of the air without even slowing down.

MIyu dashed in suddenly, Iris right behind her, attacking Dark Berserker from behind, her magic blast a concentrated flow that tore into his hand, destroying it while Iris wove her wires around the thing, trying to slow it down. He dropped the sword, but quickly rounded on Miyu, and Illya took the opportunity to shoot him in the back while Iris pulled the weapon away. They trapped him like this, trying to whittle him down with their combined attacks. In the background, they could hear Saber clashing with her duplicate. Gunshots resounded as Kiritsugu helped Shiro, the noise helping rouse the fallen Caster, who lay fallen on the ground behind the flimsy wall of Assassin, Rin and Luvia.

"Rin, where the hell is Sakura?" Kuro cried, trying to ditch Dark Lancer and doing badly at it.

"_Ring power at 32 percent," _Kuro's ring said. "_Cellular regeneration and organ replacement at 63 percent._"

"_Gather, light of the stars…_" Dark Caster intoned, magic gathering before her again. The other copies had managed to maneuver the fighting away from her, despite the efforts of the girls. Already an enormous ball of power had appeared above her, crackling with energy. "_Become an all-consuming weapon to annihilate everything. Starlight Breaker._"

Then she closed her fist. The ball seemed to swirl, collapsing into a single point above her hand. Dark Caster placed her hand to her chest. "_Stagnet. Complexio, Supplementum Pro Armationem. _"

The ball of light merged with her form in a storm of power, her form changing, gaining white tiger-like stripes as trailing smoky wisps of power began to emanate from her arms and legs small points of light began to surround her, appearing for a brief moment before being sucked in like stars falling into a black hole.

"What the hell was that?" Rin cried.

Dark Caster turned to regard her.

"Oh, crap," she said, her voice small.

Dark Caster blurred, and in the blink of an eye was in front of Rin, staff already streaking for her face. She reacted on instinct, managing to parry the blow, feeling as it drew dangerously close to her cheek. She gave a start as she felt magic being drawn from her at the contact with the fake, but there was no time to dwell on it as she slammed an elbow hard into Dark Caster's face, followed by a stomp to the knee. There was a crack.

Dark Caster stumbled as one of her legs broke, and Rin moved back, gems coming to hand as Assassin raised his staff in a killing blow. He swung down, but Dark Caster spun, suddenly floating in the air as she used her own staff to block. Her leg seemed to be resetting.

Rin and Luvia threw their jewels at point-blank range.

"_Round Shield,_" Dark Caster intoned.

The jewels exploded against the sudden. Assassin, unprotected, was hurled away as Dark Caster calmly turned to regard them. Almost immediately, points of intense light appeared at the point of impact, glowing bright before being sucked into Dark Caster's body.

Luvia swore. "Did that thing just absorb our magic?"

Rin also took a step back, hand fumbling for her Azoth Dagger, Reinforcing it as a matter of course.

On the ground, Iris's cell phone beeped as the call finally cut off. The ground began to glow as a design appeared.

"_Sagitta Magica,_" Dark Caster intoned. "_Series Lucis._"

Magic Archer shots launched themselves at the two at practically point-blank range.

"_GET AWAY FROM MY SISTER!_"

Shadows wove themselves in front of Rin and Luvia, blocking the shots as firmly as a mountain. At that same moment a black-clad form flew past Rin, tackling Dark Caster and shrugging off the Sagitta Magica like rain. Sakura, clad in shadow armor, her hair pale as moonlight, with eyes red as wine was snarling as she attacked, her fists slamming in a complicated combination that took Dark Caster off guard. She rallied however, unincanted balls of light appearing and slamming into Sakura. She grunted as they stuck, some absorbed by her shadows, some obviously not. "_Jovis Tempestas Fulguriens!_" she cried as she lashed out with her fist, managing to catch Dark Caster in the jaw. A beam of light, wind and lightning struck mouth, launching the fake backwards several dozen yards. On the ground, shadows writhed.

"Sakura?" Rin said in disbelief. "H-how?"

Sakura glanced at her, a brief, quick look, enough to let Rin see a relieved smile. "Teleportation is very convenient," was all she said. She raised her arm. "_RIDER!_"

One Command Seal blinked out as the long-haired Servant suddenly appeared, looking mildly surprised, but only for a moment. Her attention was instantly on Sakura. "Master?" she said.

"Protect my sister and the others, and see what you can do about reviving Caster-san," Sakura ordered. Her gaze was hard on Dark Caster, who'd gotten back to her feet. "This bitch is mine!" She held out a hand to either side. "_Magic in one hand, Chi in the other… KANKAHO!_"

A wave of power erupted from Sakura, a wavering field of power not unlike that popularized by a certain show about aliens with really large man-boobs appearing around her, the shadows on the ground writhing beneath her feet. When she next spoke, her voice had a stereo quality to it. "_**You dare desecrate the image of my most beloved queen!**_" she cried, anger evident. "_**PERISH NOW!**_"

Rin blinked. "Queen?"

"_Super Iaiken!_"

A blast of pure force erupted from Sakura, streaking towards Dark Caster. Dark Caster dodged, unbelievably fast, faster than her class had a right to, shooting into the air. She gestured, several whirling disks suddenly appearing as the white lines leached from her, power gathering in her other hand. "_Duabus Emissae, Dextra Emissae Stagnans, Starlight Breaker. Sinistra Emissae Stagnans, Night Sky Tiara Action, Genocide Shift,_" she intoned. "_Unisonent: Starlight Annihilating Orbit: Apocalypse Shift. _"

The two spells combined, Starlight Breaker and a cloud of whirling Frisbees of doom combining together as the mages not occupied with keeping themselves alive stared in horror. Caster tried to sit up and hastily construct a shield, but she was still too dazed. In mute horror, she wondered who this woman had been in life. Even in the Age of the Gods, such power had been beyond mortal imagining. Dozens of rings the size cars spun towards them.

"I'm going to die a virgin," Luvia said, voice small.

Sakura grinned, snapping out her own hand "_Agite Extractio! Negica Magia Erebea! CIRCULI ABSONTIONES! __**FIELD OF THE WARRIOR PRINCE!**_"

The ground of the entire courtyard erupted into one enormous complicated series of magical circles etched into the ground by shadows as Sakura launched herself to meet the attack. She and the disks met.

"_**COMPLEXIO!**_"

Caster's jaw dropped as Sakura absorbed the spells, merging with them, her body beginning to shine with its own tiger stripes and wispy energy trails, rotating rings appearing around her fists. "That… That's impossible…"

Dark Caster seemed of the opinion, pausing for a dangerous moment as if surprised.

"_Flash Move,_" Sakura said, and suddenly she was behind Dark Caster, her hand pointed directly at the other's head. "_Dextra Emittam_"

Dark Caster was utterly annihilated as her own power was blasted at her at point blank range.

"Fear the power of the Divine Wind of Protection," Sakura said in grim amusement. She set her sights on Dark Berserker. She blurred as she dived, leaving Rider to stand beside Rin and Luvia, the latter of whom was helping up Assassin, who was moaning about how he should have stayed in bed that morning. The rest were just staring.

Rin gave the Servant a look. "Are you staring at my sister's ass?" she said, still gripping the dagger.

"N-no!" Rider said, moving forward to place herself between them and any threats.

Rin gave her a look, before looking at Assassin speculatively.

Caster started trying to sit up…

...

There are several concepts that were completely foreign to Emiya Shiro. A sense of self was one of them. So was a sense of self-preservation, a sense of style, a fully functional libido, and knowing when he was in over his head.

Currently, all but the libido might have come in handy.

Everything around his was a blur as he attacked. He lost sword, but that didn't mater. He just needed to make more. He met Dark's Rider's attacks stroke for stroke, the golden sword from his dreams coming forth again and again. It didn't break like glass as it once had, but still shattered after a few hits.

Why? Why couldn't it be like Kuro's swords? Or like Archer's? Those were perfect. What was he missing? Why did his swords break? Why weren't they–?

_Perfect._

The word was suddenly in his head, surprising him and nearly causing him to get disemboweled. He'd have been confused if that wouldn't have ended up getting him killed. The word had been delivered by a woman's voice. What…?

"MOVE!"

Several voices cried this at once, Kiritsugu among them, and Shiro just had enough presence of mind to throw himself to the ground, trusting the people yelling knew what they were talking about.

"_Hekatontakis Kai Kiliakis Astrapsato! Killipl Astrape!"_

Thunder split the air as Dark Rider was literally torn apart by over a thousand bolts of lightning.

"I," Caster growled, her hood thrown back, eyes blazing in anger, one arm outstretched, "was going to get married here! Do you have _any_ idea how hard it's going to be to clean this place up?-!"

"What?" Shiro yelled, sticking his fingers in his ears. "I can't hear you!"

He felt his father coming to his side, trying to help him up. His mouth moved, but Shiro heard nothing. Well, not really. One word kept echoing in his mind.

_Perfect…_

_Perfect…_

_Perfect…_

Shiro blinked. _Perfect…_

Finally, it made sense.

"_Ring power at 27 percent. Cellular regeneration and organ replacement at 87 percent. Incidentally, getting hit by the shorter spear is a really bad idea._"

"Hey! I'm the comedian here! Butt out!" Kuro cried as she dodged, twin swords meeting Dark Lancer's twin spears. The air rang with their impacts.

Only Dark Gilgamesh hadn't joined in the battles. He stood, impassive, guarding the enormous black mass, which was convulsing and repairing itself. Dark fluid began to leak out once more.

Saber fought her duplicate still, evenly matched. Each of her moves was countered, and though she didn't grow frustrated, she could see this would become a battle of attrition. And given how little power Shiro could give her, that meant she would eventually lose.

Illya, Miyu and Iris danced around Dark Berserker. Several wires trailed form him now, though, some broken, some managing to slow him down. His speed was monstrous. This wasn't stopping the girls, however. Miyu, like SHiro, had no concept of backing down, especially when Illya was on the line, Illya was currently too powered up to care, and Iris had a score to settle with this particular Berserker. The three of them were clearly outmatched, however, only managing to survive this long because they managed to cover each other and distract it.

Thus, it was quite a pleasant surprise when a cry of "_DIVINE BUSTER!_" resulted in Dark Berserker being flung by a devastating beam of purple energy.

"I've got this!" Sakura cried as she streaked by, Saggita Magica already wrapping around her arm. "Help Saber and Kuro! It's almost time!" She charged Dark Berserker with a cry of "_Saidai Ouka Houken!_", magic exploding from her fist at her blow as Sagitta Magica released their magical payload.

"Time?" Illya said. "Time for _what? ARGH!_"

Illya ran for her sister, Miyu right behind her, while Iris rushed to Saber's aid. She wove, and a wall suddenly appeared behind the fake, cutting off its mobility. It bumped into the wall, its face never changing or registering surprise, but it did falter. Saber took advantage of the opportunity, lunging forward and scoring a critical hit. Dark Saber stumbled, bleeding dark fluid… and exploded in Saber's face. The fake just burst, turning from solid to a dark, viscous liquid that completely covered a surprised Saber, making her look like she'd fallen into a vat of very thick molasses.

The surprised lasted for only a moment as Saber spat out the disgusting substance. Then her eyes went wide, and she fell to her knees as she began to scream.

"Saber!" Iris cried, rushing to the girl's side. "What's wrong?"

Saber tried to push her away, but Iris stayed firm. She tried to grasp the girl by the shoulders, but Saber was flailing too much, her invisible sword moving through the air too wildly to be safe. Iris had to restrain her with her wires. "Saber, talk to me!" the homunculus said.

Saber turned towards her, the movement seemingly utter agony. A golden eye stared out from a too-pale, seemingly washed-out face. "G-get… aw-way…"

"Saber?" Iris said hesitantly, unconsciously extending an arm.

Saber screamed, her sword swinging wildly at Iris, who just barely managed to jerk back. Several of her hairs fluttered to the ground, and she felt a burning sensation on the tip of her nose.

"Mom!"

Iris felt herself being pulled the rest of away by strong hands, and her view of Saber was suddenly blocked as Shiro and Kiritsugu stepped in front of her, the former still sticking a finger in his ear as if to clear it. "SABER!" they both cried. "Stop it!"

Iris poked her husband. "Dear, Shiro-kun's the Master now," she reminded him.

"Oh, right," he said.

Shiro held out both hands beseechingly. "Saber, snap out of it! What's wrong?"

Saber gave no reply, clutching at her head as her clothes and armor darkened, and a network of dark lines began to grow on them, her cries muted now. Suddenly, she grew still. She opened her eyes, staring coldly at Shiro… and lunged. The field of air around her sword broke, exposing a jet-black blade, glowing red lines upon it.

Kiritsugu shoved his son and wife out of the way, his life already flashing before his eyes. _Next to him, Death buffed her nails, idly licking her lips._

Iris wove, dragging him down and trying to bring up a barrier, knowing it was useless against Saber's blade_ as Death idly pulled out a Sudoku book. _

Shiro recovered from the shove, lunging at Saber with his own empty hands, putting himself in front of his mother's shield.

_Death sighed. "Would you three please make up your minds?"_

Saber swung, and Iris and Kiritsugu could only stare in horror as their son neared Death.

_Death nodded in satisfaction, leaving her pencil in place as a bookmark and standing up._

"_**TRACE, ON!**_"

Light blazed in Shiro's hand. He could see it, as he had that morning– had it only been that morning?– when Archer's almost flippant words had given him the clue. He judged the object he was creating, the shining sword from his dreams. He saw the 'blueprint' for it, perfect in his mind. He poured power into the image, willing the material that made it into place. He saw the skill that had went into making the blade, saw the complexity of it. He took these aspects and furthered them, exceeded them, went beyond the masterful into the legendary…

The sword snapped into being in his hand. Automatically, he moved to block with it over the frantic screams of his parents…

_No,_ he thought. _It's not done yet. It's not _perfect…

It was a weapon true, but he saw now that it was raw. It was as it was fresh from the forge, with none of what would make it legendary, with none of the power that made it strong. It needed… what? What did it need to be a perfect copy? He'd imitated everything about it, every dimension…

Saber's blade met his own.

No, that was wrong… not _every_ dimension. After all, weren't there four?

The lightbulb went off in his head. Time. He needed to reproduce its time… its age… its experiences…

He overlaid this new aspect onto his creation, trying to imagine what the blade had gone through, the feel of it, tried to push it in with his magic. Blood. Battle. Death. Blood. Battle. Death. Blood. Battle. Death. A tree. A hand. Blood. Battle. Death. A stone. A girl. A king…

Something inside him clicked. Open. The blade in his hand snapped into focus, and it was no longer a pale, pretty thing. It had solidity. It had strength. It radiated age and power, as timeless as the mountains, as constant as the winds.

For the first time since it was broken, Caliburn _truly _returned into the world. And paradox was averted as the True Master of Noble Phantasm Unlimited Blade Works was born.

With a cry, Shiro deflected her strike, feeling the skills of all who had ever wielded the blade rushing to him. Arturia. Llenlleawg. Uther. Kay. Fergus mac Roich. Cadwr. Sigurd. Sigmund. Odin. Gilgamesh. Argentite. Dozens of others, their names slipping away from him. He heard its many names. Calabrun. Calabrum. Calibourne. Callibourc. Calliborc. Calibourch. Caledfwlch. Caliburnus. Caladbolg. Calesvol. Gram. Balmung. was no longer those things though. Now, it was Caliburn. He saw how it had been broken, so the moment it shattered in Arturia's hands, the time in the distant past it had been reforged by a man calling himself Wayland Smith, a strangely small and thin man for a blacksmith, who kinda looked like Shiro…

_Blink _

With a cry, Shiro attacked, the weapon a blur in his hands. He would never have to fear it would fail him again. He met Saber stroke for stroke, swing for swing, and he could see surprise in her golden eyes, emerging from whatever depths her true self was trapped. He anticipated her attacks, feeling her own remembered skills warning him, her own imprinted instincts predicting for him what she would do. He heard his father gasp, heard his mother say something that sounded suspiciously like, "But Shiro's a Butt Monkey Joke Character!", but he ignored it, focused on fighting Saber, of pressing the attack, of kil–

The world shuddered.

_Death sighed, and opened her book again to resume her wait, deciding to work on the 4__th__ column. _

No, NOT KILL! This was Saber! He couldn't kill her! She was his… she was his… well, he wasn't quite sure at this point, but she was certainly his _something!_ He had to–

Excalibur streaked for his neck, and Caliburn twisted in his hands, barely keeping it from decapitating him.

– he had to concentrate! But now that the thoughts had come out, they wouldn't stop. He was fighting SABER! He couldn't kill Saber! He was fairly certain there was something about it not being proper behavior for a Hero of Justice to kill someone he'd had sex with the night before.

He supposed he could try talking to her… but honestly, when had yelling at someone to come to their senses ever worked for anyone?

Somewhere, Amakawa Yuuto and the Mizuchi Shizuku sneezed.

Saber managed to cut his hand with the tip of Excalibur, drawing blood and causing Shiro to drop the weapon. He Traced without thought, replacing it in time to meet Saber's attack, tryingto keep up his momentum. His muscles burned, and he Reinforced them, blotting out the pain, giving himself more endurance.

"…_shi-shiro…_"

He nearly stumbled, but recovered, although not in time to keep Saber from managing to give him a gash in the thigh. He kept her from taking the whole leg, but his retaliation was suddenly half-hearted. Saber's golden eyes looked at him pleadingly.

"…_u-use the c-command seal… kill m-me…_"

Shiro's blood ran cold. And in the next instant, Saber struck again, making it flow…

...

"Hey, pretty boy!" Illya cried as she charged Dark Lancer. "_Forzare!_" Pure force blasted Dark Lancer off his feet, allowing Kuro breathing room as she danced to her sister's side.

"Target locked," Miyu said calmly, sighting on her aiming crosshair. "Maximum energy concentration guided shot. _GO!_"

"_Yes, ma'm!_" Magical Sapphire cried, releasing the burst of energy. It flew. Dark Lancer tried to dodge, but with a flick of her wrist, Miyu sent it after him once more. It struck from above, bearing him to the ground.

"_FRIGIDO RESTRICTUM!_" Illya cried, ripping out the heat and using the cold to literally freeze him in place.

"_Soft is my body, calling the fire in your blood…_" Kuro intoned, summoning swords to drop and pierce him, locking him in.

"Now, Caster-san!" Miyu cried, getting out of the way.

Near the entrance, Caster gestured, activating the prepared spell. Her head still ached, making it hard to use High-Speed Divine Words, but normal non-divine words worked just as well, if a bit more slowly. "_FRY!_" she growled. Lightning ripped Dark Lancer apart.

"Heh," Kuro chirped, smirking. "All according to plan."

Illya twitched, remembering the details Kuro had kissed into her. Surprisingly however, she was right. "How…?"

"I have no idea," Kuro said cheerfully, making Illya long to strangle her even more than usual. "Ring, status?"

"_Ring power at 21 percent,"_ the ring said_. "Cellular regeneration at 93 percent."_

That was when they were attacked from behind.

Dark Lancer's vengeance was swift, as a barrage of kinetic energy struck. Shiro and Sakura broke off, Shiro barely managing to get within the range of his mother's protective barrier, while Sakura, Caster, Miyu and Illya made their own shields. Iris hugged Shiro, then smacked him on the head for being an idiot. Saber and Dark Berserker retreated to stand behind Dark Gilgamesh, their bodies interposed between the magi and the Kirei-thing, with Saber his most direct shield. Her hands shook slightly, and her trapped eyes looked like she was trying to force herself to turn and put and end to Kirei.

_I'm impressed… you have managed to defeat these old memories of mine. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. It is a new age of self-proclaimed 'heroes', after all. _

Kuro replied with a long string of profanity that made _everyone_, even Caster, Assassin and Rider, blush. It sounded like it was from a lot of languages.

_Be that as it may, you have been all very instructive. The next batch shall be better made…_

"_**NEXT BATCH?-!**_"

There was no dark fluid this time. Instead, the surface of the mass convulsed, and six large pods fell out like eggs. They shuddered, peeling apart as if the inside. Forms arose.

"Twice in one day?" Kuro said from where she was under Illya, who had tackled her so that Miyu could cover them with her shield. "Really? Doesn't that violate some kind of villain code?" A beat. "You feel nice on top like that." Illya smacked her. "Ooh, punishment game!" Miyu smacked her. "Yay! Threesome!"

Rider and Caster tensed as they saw doubles of themselves rise. They were again identical copies in black with red lines on their bodies. Rin felt ice grip her heart as the duplicate of Archer rose, eyes narrowed and merciless, with none of the sarcasm and mockery she'd grown to know. The new Dark Lancer stood as well. Luvia gripped the arm with her Command Seals.

"This just _really_ isn't my day!" Assassin groaned as Dark Assassin stepped into view. "I _really _hate the evil-twin thing!"

The last pod opened. Illya had expected a copy of her Berserker, with its helm, cloak and armor. Instead…

She blinked. "Isn't that the thing we fought when we collected the last Class Card?"

Caster paled. "Great Hecate…" she swore. "Herakles…"

It roared, and they felt the vibration in their bones.

"Huh–?" Kuro began before the ring helpfully informed her. "Oh, (Bleep)."

The nine stood arrayed in front of them, Saber in the middle. Shiro stared at her in wide-eyed concern, fists tightening and loosening.

_Now, let's try this again… __**KILL THEM! **__Do it slowly. Make it painful. Make them scream…_

Slowly, the fakes and Saber strode forward.

"Right, here's the plan…" Kuro began, but Luvia acted first.

"_Lancer!_" she cried, activating on of her Command Seals.

"_Gilgamesh_!" Miyu cried, using up her only Command.

Illya opened her mouth to call out to Berserker, but Kuro slapped a hand over her mouth. "No!" the dark-skinned girl cried. "Not yet!"

As light glowed from the ground and the two Servants were summoned from wherever they'd been, Illya ripped off her hand, turning to glare at Kuro. Kuro looked at her pleadingly. "Please Illya, I know I probably don't deserve it, but please, just this once, TRUST ME! Don't call Berserker yet…"

Illya hesitated.

"Huh…" Lancer said, wiping some dark dust off his shoulder as he finally materialized, raising an eyebrow at the assembled nine. "What _have_ you been up to Master? I'm gone for a little while and you–"

"_**NO!**_" cried Gilgamesh, enraged. He rounded on Miyu, and the girl stumbled back at the look of barely suppressed murder in his eyes. "What have you _**DONE**_ girl? Send me back! Her Majesty needs me! _**Send me back!**_"

"Sailor Moon can take care of herself!" Kuro and Sakura snapped in synch. Gilgamesh rounded on them.

"Princess Serenity would not thank you for abandoning people in need merely to rush to her side," Sakura said coolly.

"What _would_ your brother think?" Kuro said, twisting the knife. "Jadeite would be _so_ disappointed in you…"

Everyone was treated to an expression those who knew him had never thought to see on Gilgamesh's face: conflicted pain.

_Well… I never thought I'd ever see __**that**__ on that arrogant asshole's face._

Pain quickly turned to righteous, seething anger. "_**KIREI!**_" Gilgamesh roared. "_**DIE! GATE OF BABYLON!-!-!-!-!**_"

The air behind him rippled, weapons beginning to protrude.

"_Gefangnis der Magie!_" Sakura cried in ancient Belkan, a pulse emanated through her, and the world seemed to lurch as the world took on a sort of purplish filer look.

"Rin, be ready to take action!" Kuro cried. "_Trace, on! RULEBREAKER!_"

Kuro spun, charging at Assassin. The taller man stepped back in surprise, but it was too late. The strange-looking, color-shifting blade buried itself in his chest.

"Kuro!" Rin cried as Assassin stared down at his chest in surprise, as if unable to comprehend the fact he'd been stabbed. His knees folded up, and he collapsed.

"_Ring Power at 19 percent,_" the ring said. "_Cellular regeneration and organ replacement at 100 percent. Heart regeneration complete. Disengaging Akashic connection. Please proceed with the next phase of the plan. Destiny Awaits."_

There was a ripple, and Kuro's clothes changed, turning back to red and black as the ring on her finger seemed to dim. She blinked, shaking her head in confusion, trying to grasp all that she had known in the short time she wore the ring. Nothing. There were images committed to memory, but they were memories of memories, as if she was remembering herself remember. Still, a few things stuck. In her mind, the image of Callandor sparkled.

Then she blinked again, staring down at Assassin. "What did I just _do?_" she said in muted horror.

"Oh, _now _she asks," Assassin complained in a pained voice.

"Girl–!" Caster growled.

Sakura moved to intervene.

Gilgamesh attacked, his weapons streaking towards the enemy, who scattered.

"No!" Shiro cried, tackling the gold-armored Servant. "You'll hit Saber! That's the _REAL_ Saber over there!"

Gilgamesh backhanded him, whirling around to face the enemy again.

Dark Berserker stepped forward, catching one of the fired weapons. Gilgamesh paled, remembering what had happened the last time.

"_SHUNDO!_" Sakura cried, flickering from view, only to reappear before Dark Berserker. Dark energy crackled around her fist. "_Schwarze Wirkung!_"

The fist struck, throwing Dark Berserker back.

Lancer charged, meeting Dark Archer. He grinned at the fake. "So much stress to work off," he said, attacking viciously. "YOU WEREN'T AS FUNNY AS YOU THOUGHT!"

The air rang with impact as Saber and Shiro met again, their swords clashing against one another. Rider charged Dark Lancer, evading his spear as her own weapons lashed out, making use of her speed. Gilgamesh found himself in a frustrating battle of attrition with his duplicate, their weapons streaming out fast and hot. Weapons soon began to be strewn across the courtyard, and it was all Sakura could do to keep her opponent away from them.

Illya and Miyu charged Dark Herakles, thinking they knew what to expect. It came at them as quickly as they remembered in their memories and nightmares, but they were ready, dodging out of the way, trying to lure it away from the others. Caster found herself alone, facing her duplicate and Assassin's, both of whom were powering up their spells. The three struck, and soon the air was charged with warring energies, and it was all Caster could do to keep her allies from being fried, never mind actively attacking. Kuro charged Dark Rider head on, tearing apart the ground, sending dust everywhere and doing everything she could to keep Dark Rider from using her mystic eyes.

Rin, Luvia, Kiritsugu, Iris, and Assassin watched on.

"I feel so irrelevant," Kiritsugu said.

"Why do I even bother coming along?" Luvia said.

Iris sniffed. "Our boy's going to grow up to be _such_ a badass if he survives this." She wiped away a tear.

"This is crap," Assassin complained. "This is almost as bad as being shot in the chest!"

Rin growled as she tried to patch up the Servant, but it was no good. "What the hell did Kuro think she was doing?" she growled. Without a connection to the world, which Kuro had broken, he was being erased as an abnormality in creation. He needed… he needed…

Another lightbulb went off.

Slowly, Rin raised her hand as the Servant, bleeding and in pain, began to fade away. Her command spells began to glow. "_Let thy body rest under my dominion, let my fate rest in thy blade…_"

Assassin looked up, surprised.

Rin continued the aria. "_If thou submittest to the call of the Holy Grail and if thou wilt obey this mind, this reason, then thou shalt respond…_"

Assassin grinned.

...

Kuro was just getting tired when it happened.

"_Contract complete!_ Go, Assassin!"

"_Noble Phantasm! __**SUE!**_"

The very air warped and twisted as, in a haze of prana mutilated to unrecognizability, a Zombie Tyrannosaurus Rex materialized out of the air. Assassin moved, faster than Kuro had ever seen him, climbing quickly on the creature's back, and pointing with his staff. "_MUNCH!_"

Sue leapt, evading the others as it landed in front of Dark Rider, who stumbled at the sudden shockwave of the landing, falling on her ass. The fake frantically tried to rip off its blindfold. Sue's head descended, mouth open wide.

The teeth and mouth turned to stone. All that did was crush Dark Rider and tear her to bits as the gigantic maw closed, the stone parts sloughing off to be replaced by fresh ectoplasm.

"Oh, _yeah!_" Assassin cried, exultant. "Now, let's see what I can _REALLY_ do!"

With a roar, the zombie dinosaur charged at Dark Herakles, head swinging to send the over nine-feet tall brute flying across the courtyard. Roaring, Assassin and Sue raced after him. The sounds of breaking trees and battle quickly rose.

Kuro spun, realizing there was no one guarding the corrupted Kirei-thing Grail. "_Trace, on!_" she cried, back bow appearing. Hrunting materialized, and it took her a second to nock the sword properly. She aimed.

The Grail-thing _heaved_, and pustules erupted on the side facing her, releasing a barrage of kinetic blasts. She ignored them and fired. The air _cracked_ like someone had just torn apart a mountain as the arrow accelerated to mach ten. It pierced through the wall of kinetic energy without slowing down one bit, slamming hard into the dark mass about a foot to Kirei-thing's side.

The wall of force slammed brutally into Kuro, and she went flying. She tumbled along the ground, which began to be smeared with blood as her skin was torn by the impact. She landed gasping, clutching at her chest. Benath what intact skin there was, little triangular shapes began to wiggle. She could feel her breastbone had cracked, and maybe her ribs too.

"Darn it," she managed to gasp, obviously in extreme agony. "I'd just gotten that area patched up!"

Kirei-thing stared hole so close next to him.

_After all that, you missed?_

The contempt was obvious.

Kuroforced herself to grin. "Actually," she panted as her parents ran to her. "I didn't."

Her fingers were bare.

...

"_Now," said Caster to her companion. "It's time."_

...

Shiro was feeling weaker. Strength seemed to be sapping itself from his body, more than fighting Saber and Tracing could account for. It was many precious minutes, caught up in the whirl of battle, before he realized, with dawning horror, the reason why.

Saber was still connected to him using up his prana. When she'd had herown mind, she'd been disciplined about it, but now…

His revelation must have showed in his face, because Saber's golden eyes became sadder in confirmation.

His mind thought frantically, but it was already all he could do to keep from getting killed, much less try and subdue Saber. He realized she was biding her time, waiting for them _both _to weaken. Or rather, whatever infection afflicting her was. All it would take was her Noble Phantasm. If they were both weak enough, one use of it would kill her, him and anyone it was aimed at.

_NO! _he cried in his mind, trying to pull back his prana, but he was inexperienced, and it had already been all he could do to give it to her already. But still… _NO! I refuse to end it like this! A Hero of Justice saves everyone! He does! He __**must! **__Or else… Could there be… no such thing?_

_Oh, for pity's sake Shiro, don't get all mopey on me!_

Shiro stumbled in shock, but he remembered from the last time this had happened and turned it into a roll, trying to sweep Saber's feet out from under her with her leg. She evaded, trying to remove his extremity, but by this time he had maneuvered Caliburn to guard, pushing hard with one leg to get himself upright again, pushing the attack. That _hadn't_ been his imagination! There _had_ been a voice in his head! And it had sounded like…

_Move so you can threaten her left side and get her to move three steps to the right! Hurry!_

No, it was impossible! But…

_But_…

_**But**__…_

The voice came again, softer now. _Even Heroes of Justice are saved by other heroes. _

Shiro lunged, swept, danced frantically, attacking, attacking, attacking recklessly, ignoring his defense and suffering for it as his bicep, his side, his thigh was cut. One step…

Two…

_Three…_

...

The mass was thick. It vibrated with the pulsations of its inner workings, of the vibrations caused by Sue and Dark Herakles in battle, of the Casters throwing around mountain-crushing forces. It was in constant movement, and Kirei thing ignored it, even though it was a part of him now.

Still, even he paused when he thought he heard words. Frowning he concentrated, leaning closer. It sounded like it was coming from… _inside_ the mass?

"–_iro of Earth,_" the voice was saying. "_**LIVE!**__ Destiny Awaits._"

Kirei-thing blinked in confusion.

"_Trace, on,_" a muffled voice from inside the mass said. "_Rulebreaker II._"

_Something_ burst from the mass, streaking through the air. It slammed hard into Saber's back, slamming her forward into Shiro.

Kirei-thing felt his connection her break.

And then something else erupted from inside the mass…

...

"Saber!" Shiro cried, instinctively dropping Caliburn as he caught her, the two of them falling to thier knees. "Saber!" He stared in horror at the blade sticking out of her back, and reached own to grab it.

He touched it, and realized he could _feel_ the thing, was aware of as if he had analyzed it minutely. What…?

"Shiro," Saber's voice said, and he remembered himself, realizing Saber was still under enemy control. He pushed her back, despite every instinct yelling at him not to, that he needed to protect her, and prepared to Trace Caliburn again.

Their eyes met. Her eyes, her wide, beautiful eyes, were still shining, burnished gold. But the soul behind them was _her_, free and true. She smiled, a confused smile, and he knew it was her. But…

The drain on his prana was gone. Their connection had been severed.

"S-Saber?" he said. He reached for her face, touched it gently.

"It's really me," she said, sounding dazed. "Shiro, our link…"

"It's all right," Shiro said. "As long as you free…"

Their faces inched closer together…

"You know, I'm in favor of hot and heavy making out as much as the next man, especially if Rin joins in and makes this a threesome, but isn't a middle of a battlefield in a temple kind of inappropriate and Kuro-esque?"

Their heads snapped to the side, staring at the source of the voice. They gasped.

A figure clad in black and white stood there, arm crossed, a shining white bow held idly in one hand. He was smiling down on them, expression amused at the indiscretions of youth, eyes twinkling in a manner positively stolen from Albus Dumbledore. He seemed kind of pale and washed out, and Shiro was surprise to note that he could see slightly _through_ the man, as if he was a bit transparent. When he moved, there was a little blurring, like afterimages on a cheap camera.

"A…" Shiro said, unable to articulate. "A…"

"_**ARCHER?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!**_" Rin's outraged cry echoed through the whole courtyard.

Archer waved lazily. "Yo, boss. Replaced me already, I see. How fickle you are! My corpse isn't even in the ground yet!"

Rin threw a rock at him, which bounced off his head. He didn't even flinch.

"H…" Shiro was still trying to wrap his head around this. "H=how…?"

Archer smiled, raising a finger to his lips. "Ah, that would be telling. Allow this Hero of Justice his few secrets. Are you two going to make out down there all day?"

They blushed, pushing away from each other and embarrassedly getting to their feet. Saber picked up her sword. Her body had not yet reverted. Except for the expression in her golden eyes, everything else was still the same.

"Get your Master somewhere he won't trip over himself," Archer ordered, turning turing to dash towards the fallen Kuro. Lancer was trying to keep Dark Archer away from her, if just barely. Gilgamesh and Caster had joined forces, and were managing to keep their duplicates and Dark Assassin back, faces set in grim determination as they stood back to back, launching their respective attacks.

Kiritsugu and Iris looked up as Archer knelt next to Kuro. "Hello, little sister," he said softly.

Kuro smiled. "You," she croaked. "I know you, now. I saw it. A hill of swords. The Pactio Card. I remember. The ring took the rest with it went it left, but I didn't forget that, onii-chan…"

Archer smiled. The two were in their own little world. "You'll have to get us there, one day."

She tried to nod, and winced.

"_Trace, on,_" Archer intoned. "_Avalon._" A shining, golden sheath appeared in his hands. he touched it to Kuro, and it dissolved in a blaze of light, entering her. Her breathing became easier. "Better?"

She nodded. "A little. Tell me one thing," she said, no longer croaking. "Does it ever happen? With us? Do I ever… with her?" Archer smiled, and his head moved imperceptibly, the movement undetectable to one without their eyes. Kuro smiled back. Then she grinned. "Time to kick ass!" she cried as she struggled to her feet.

"Let's get dangerous," Archer agreed, helping her up. They faced the battle.

"Mom, dad," Kuro said, "You better step back."

Archer drew a card from the folds of his clothes as Kiritsugu and Iris retreated. "_Adeat!_" The card shifted, changing into an artifact that snapped into the slot on the protector on his left forearm. "Ladies first."

Kuro threw back her head proudly, crying her aria to the skies. "_I call for the bone in your sword!_"

_"I am the bone of my sword…"__ Archer chanted._

Kuro sang. _"Soft is my body, calling the fire in your blood!"_

_"Steel is my body, and fire is my blood," __Archer swore. _

"_I have created over a thousand lolicons!"_

_"I have created over a thousand blades."_

"_Unknown to thermodynamics, regardless of physics–"_

"_Unaware of loss. Nor aware of gain."_

"_**I screw reality with my Freudian blades!**_

"_Withstood pain to create many weapons."_

"_For my flesh burns with unfulfilled desire!_

"_I have no regrets, this is the only path of a hero. "_

Kuro thrust her arms into the sky as fire appeared around them_. "And thus I sublimate…"_

Archer held a fist to his heart, smiling softly. _"My whole life was…"_

**"_UNLIMITED BLADE WORKS!"_**

The world exploded in fire and swords…

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: Didn't see _that_ coming, did you?

Shiro has finally taken enough levels in Badass to qualify for the Hero Of Justice Prestige Class. Finally, he can get serious.

This doesn't mean the mockery stops though. Where's the fun in that?

Check out the Sinestro-Corps Fate and Star Sapphire Tomoyo pictures on my Deviant Art page. Link is the homepage button on my profile.

Multiple exclamation marks. Surely the sign of a _highly_ disturbed mind…

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	16. Queen of the Night Sky and Epilogue

A/N: I've noticed I've developed that habit of putting the most obvious physical hurting on Kuro. I really must stop this…

Now that I've done Badass Einzbern-Emiyas, a part of me REALLY wants to do Badass Pendragons. You know, Saber, Arturia, Morgaine Le Fay and cute little Mordred-chan all kicking ass together…

Thanks to _**Ergast **_for defending my honor! You know who you are, and where.

On the UBW issue. I know that, as a Reality Marble, it should be a manifestation of a person's inner soul, but since this is magic involved, there are cheats. Kuro manifests it, despite her aria and her general attitude, because her body was materialized by the Archer Class Card that Illya collected in the _**Fate/Kaleid Liner Prisma Illya 2Wei **_manga, and therefore has all the powers of Archer, despite not being Archer. Sakura manifests it because she treats it as a spell. Granted, it's a really powerful, really broken reality-altering spell, but still just a spell to her. It will soon be nerfed from her.

Shiro was canonically able to Trace Avalon because having it inside him for ten years has given him an intimate affinity with it. The same goes for the people who have his powers…

If you don't like the number of crossovers… well, sorry, but you could have stopped reading at any time. Fortunately, this is the last chapter. LOTS OF REVIEWS AND ADDING TROPES TO THE PAGE, PLEASE!

...

FATE/Holy Grail War of 2814

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 16: Queen of the Night Sky

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story. If I did… well, this would all be canon. WARNING: MAY CAUSE HEAD EXPLOSION! Really wish someone would rec this. TvTropes, dattebayo!

...

Lancer fought the dark, twisted copy of Archer, bringing memories of that night, that first night of glorious battle that had soon led to the essential demilitarization of the forces of this War. He remembered the rush of fighting Archer that first time. The clash of weapon against weapons, how the damned red knight had been able to instantly subvert his Gae Bolg by leaving deliberate openings for the Noble Phantasm to pass through so he could block it and keep it's effect from taking hold, the hundreds of swords he had made in that one fight alone. His blood had boiled, eager for this conflict, perhaps reflecting his Master's own bloodlust. Lancer had enjoyed it. And, if he had interpreted Archer's smile correctly, so had he. That night had been the first and last time they had truly fought, and compared to the rest of the war, it had been the most glorious battle ever. The masses of dark 'Invaders', though great in number and frustrating, hadn't given him such joy. It had been like cutting grass, or chopping down trees. Dangerous, in their own way, but a tame activity nonetheless.

This fight with the _thing_ was nothing like that at all.

Its golden eyes were dead and flat. There was none of the aggravating mockery he knew and hated. There was no air of knowing a joke he didn't intend to share. This was just another machine, another tree, another blade of grass. It might kill him, might do it quite easily, and that would be that. It moved perfectly, swords coming to its hand as fast and thick as it had for the _real_ Archer, and even used the same strategy to evade his Gae Bolg, but it did so mechanically, with smooth, icy perfection. It made Lancer's blood boil, made him want to throw down his spear and tear this thing apart with his bare hands for its effrontery. Except he couldn't do that.

All around them, the battle raged. He tried to keep the _thing_ away from his fallen comrades. He couldn't actually _see_ them, because the fight required his full concentration, but he could sense the flow of the battle around him, could remember where there had been vivid action followed by deathly stillness.

And then the battlefield caught fire. The sky changed to clouds at twilight– or was it dawn?– and the ground underfoot became an earthen field littered with swords. There were gigantic interlocked gears beyond the clouds, ponderously turning like the clockwork of the world, and flower petals floated in the air. Beyond the gears were thousands of rifts as if among the stars themselves, flickering in the colors of the rainbow. Along the horizon, gigantic statues grew, reaching into the clouds, their shadows apparently miles long, reaching from edge to edge. Some looked vaguely familiar…

Being a Heroic Spirit, Lancer wasn't particularly disturbed by this, although it was quite surprising. And felt faintly familiar, somehow. Where had…?He had a sudden image of the last time he'd been at this temple, and of the so-called 'battle' at the school that had led to Rider joining their ranks. Fire, and then the world changing…

"_Hey, copycat!"_

A sword flew within hairsbreadths of Lancer's cheek, and he actually felt the cross-piece lightly brush through his hair. Dark Archer barely managed to deflect it, and Lancer took advantage of the momentary distraction to move in for the kill. He took advantage of the opening the deflection caused, managing to score a solid strike into the thing's left bicep, then jumping back to avoid whatever had been done to Saber earlier.

This was just in time to avoid the approximately 499 other swords that flew after Dark Archer. They blazed with light, some slamming into the ground, each exploding with the force of a bomb powerful enough to wipe out, say, a cement truck. Dark Archer dodged frantically, clothes getting torn and singed as he tried tosurvive long enough to counter this move. "_Trace, on: Rho Aias!_" The swords slammed into the flower-like Conceptual Shield, neutralized by its Absolute Protection Against Projectiles.

Kuro flipped over Lancer's head, back in red now. She gestured, and the fake was nearly perforated as swords suddenly started shooting down at it from all directions, and it frantically danced to keep its shield between it and the greatest threat.

"Triangle, triangle, triangle!" Kuro cried gleefully, grinning. "Come on, reaction commands! Reaction commands! Face Zebra Xenmas's final attack!"

Lancer looked at her. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm on a natural high!" Kuro cried. "I'm high on LIFE!"

A sword was thrown at her face. Lancer barely managed to snap at it, slowing it enough that Kuro managed to protect herself all the way. Her smile didn't even flinch. In fact, she threw back her head and laughed. The rate of fire never slowed.

"BRING IT ON, CREEPY PERVERT PRIEST!" she cried. "I have my friends by my side! My friends are my power!"

"Coming back to life messed with your head, didn't it?" Lancer said.

Ignoring him, she charged, still laughing, at Dark Archer…

...

Gilgamesh was not in a good mood. The afternoon had started with several of his deeply buried childhood issues being suddenly dragged up before a major battle, continued with him being ripped from the side of one of the few people he'd give his life to protect, had followed with his very same childhood issues being used against him by two children to make him do something, and had been topped off by a man he loathed with a vengeance who now had an existence he hated beyond words create a vile abomination in his image. Parodies of his precious weapons leapt at him, and he barely countered them with his own. Behind him, the Caster woman was dealing with her own copy, as well as the copy of the fake Assassin she'd called up.

And then the world caught fire.

Caster gasped. "What–? A Reality Marble? In this Age? How?"

There was the crack like a swarm of bees breaking the sound barrier, and Dark Assassin leapt back as dozens of swords slammed into its previous location and exploded. The strain on the two of them lessened slightly. Dark Assassin turned to look at its attacker as Gilgamesh and Caster both tried to do the same out of the corner of their eye.

A dark-skinned man stood there, holding what looked like a weird imitation of a rose made up of dozens of miniscule swords. It went strangely well with the top hat made of miniature swords and the cape made of swords, all bound together with white light. He pointed dramatically, standing tall and proud, the white ring on his finger glowing. "Halt, evil doer! A temple is a sacred place, filled with thoughts of well-bring and protection, the place were the mundane and the divine meet! I cannot allow your continued desecrations of this, the future site of the happiest day of a woman's life! In the name of Truth, Love, and Justice, as a Hero of the Grail, I shall punish you!"

Silence, except for the sounds of Sakura and Dark Berserker beating the crap out of each other and prototype weapons and spells exploding.

The Kirei-thing broke it.

_You have __**got**__ to be kidding me…_

Rin slapped her forehead. "Moron…"

"Oh my gosh…" Shiro breathed, staring. "I know what I want to be when I grow up…"

"My forgotten beliefs from my youth…" Kiritsugu agreed. "I knew they were possible! "

Saber and Iris exchanged a look deeply laden with meaning that all amounted to: "These two are idiots, but they're too cute to really kill…"

Dark Assassin responded with a blast of intense heat and force. Archer twirled his cape, taking the blast of magic on the swords on it. He smiled. "Ensis Exorcizans. Kills magic _dead. _My turn." He threw the rose.

It slammed point-first at Dark Assassin's feet as the fake tried to throw himself out of the way. Dozens of miniature swords exploded.

"And everyone keeps telling Endymion that's not badass…" he said, laughing. His hands blurred, and the cape and hat were thrown as well, breaking into their individual swords and glowing slightly as they flew. Dark Assassin dodged, but the swords turned, and it was forced to try and shoot them down, freezing the air around them to detonate them. Archer charged towards it, swords appearing around him almost instantly and as quickly being launched at great speeds. "_FOR GREAT JUSTICE!_"

Gilgamesh's brow furrowed. "Isn't that the Servant who died this morning?"

"_LET JUSTICE PREVAIL!_"

He and Caster exchanged looks over their shoulders as they concentrated on their own problems. "How did _you_ end up with this group of lunatics?" Caster asked.

Gilgamesh jerked a thumb over his shoulder at where Miyu was circling Dark Lancer to help Rider take it down. "The little girl there made me into her Servant after my Master was turned into a personification of human evil. You?"

"I thought it would be a good idea to make a non-aggression pact with them," Caster said. "I suppose it was some help, but now I think I'll have to kill them all now for ruining my upcoming wedding…"

"Go for the idiot with the orange hair first. He's the most annoying."

...

The Servant Assassin who called itself Harry Dresden didn't have any memories of his past life. He did, however, have 12 (and change) books and short stories worth of false memories, and from those memories, he came to one conclusion: him charging into battle on a zombie T-rex was the most in-his-favor fight ever.

A little thought would have pointed out there should have been no _way_ things were that easy.

He and Sue crashed through the trees, turning them into so much kindling as they charged to where Dark Herakles had crashed through. The zombie accelerated on the slope, its head down and open to tear apart the charging figure.

There was the jolt of impact, and Assassin went flying over Sue's head as the giant zombie was stopped cold.

"AGH! Assassin cried as he flew over the head, slamming into a tree. It quite clearly didn't kill him, or even break any bones, though it hurt like hell. So did slamming into the ground. He scrambled back to his feet in time to see Dark Herakles rip the dinosaur's head apart. The jaw and skull were pulled free of the neck, pseudo-flesh sloughing off as it was removed from the main body of the construct.

Sue responded by spinning around and slamming its tail into the fake.

As it was sent flying into more helpless trees, Assassin took a dizzy moment to steady himself. Sue's headless body was flailing around random, what with no longer having eyes to see, and he cut the stream of magic to it, causing it to start to dissolve. He levered himself up with his staff, turning to look towards where his enemy had gone flying, already gathering magic into his hands. the sensation felt strange, as it always did now. Tavi had theorized this was because he was used to doing magic one way, but magic's rules were different, so it compromised by adapting his methods to the current rules.

Rage began to fill him at the thought of his friend. He'd only known the man for a few days, but they'd been the only company each other had had. Essentially being chained to a gate wasn't any fun. Dark Herakles recovered quickly, roaring as it turned to scan for him. Assassin leveled his hand. "_PYRO FUEGO!_" he cried, a long, telephone pole thick stream of seemingly hardened fire that left a glowing afterimage in his eyes blazed through the air. The beam slammed into the large figure, and there was immediately the smell of scorching meat, a nauseous stink like burning Styrofoam, and a crackling as the heat-bloom of the blast started to spontaneously evaporate the moisture from nearby plants. The roaring rose, turning into animalistic screams.

Snarling, Assassin formed his hand into a claw, making a ripping gesture. The heat was ripped out of the figure, gathering into an enormous blaming ball and leaving it super-cooled to absolute zero, moisture from the very air gathering on it as the cold made it condense. Reshaping the flame, Assassin shot a narrower, concentrated stream, blasting the thing's head off in an explosion of dark sludge.

Breathing hard, Assassin moved to survey his handiwork, careful not to be caught by the sludge. Suddenly a wave of _strangeness_ erupted from behind him, a familiar wave, and he turned. A wall of fire rushed at him, passing him without so much as scorching his clothes, the world rippling in its wake.

"She used _this _again?" he said, blinking and looking around at the sword-covered landscape, which was now minutely different. He didn't remember those giant statues on the horizon, for one. But he'd been cowering behind Sue trying not to get perforated, last time, so he might have missed something. "I mean, it's not like it was much good last–"

A tree being torn behind him was his only warning.

He didn't stupidly turn around, he just dove out of his original position, his shield bracelet flickering to life in a protective bubble around him. _Something_ slammed into his shield, and the bracelet on his wrist suddenly became insanely hot as the shield instantly shattered like glass, the transmitted force sending him flying like a ball. He slammed into a small group of swords just sticking out from the ground, his duster barely protecting him. The ground was vibrating like a small elephant was running towards him, and he hastily rolled and scrambled up, only to nearly fall again when _an entire tree_ was slammed into where he'd been a few moments ago, the branches actually scratching against his duster.

Frantically, he threw another burst of fire. This didn't help, as the tree just burst into flames, and it seemed to just splash on the hulk holding it. "Oh, come on!" he cried, scrambling back and barely dodging the giant burning tree. "It worked a second ago!"

He leapt back, and was surprised at how far the move sent him. He kept darting back, trying to weave back and worth to leave a broken trail, trying to make it harder for it to chase him. This didn't do any good, as it kept charging at him with a speed he'd never seen on anything that big.

"_Noble Phantasm! SUE!_"

A zombie Tyrannosaurus Rex slammed into Dark Herakles from the side, sending him flying for the second time that day from the same reason. On its back, Illya threw back her head and laughed. "THIS! IS! AWESOME! Get on!"

Assassin leapt onto its back. "I'm sure I killed it, but it got back up again!" he said. "And now it's immune to fire."

"Yeah, it does that," Illya said. "You did kill it. If it's anything like what I've fought, it has twelve lives and becomes immune to whatever killed it."

"That would have been good to know earlier," Assassin said.

There was a roar. It sounded like it came from something with a lung capacity measured in cubic feet.

"_Forzare!_" Illya cried, her hand lashing it out. Dark Herakles barely rocked.

"…"

"…"

"Run?"

"Run."

They turned and ran.

"Crap, it's picking up one of the swords!" Assassin said, looking behind them. "Hells bells, that thing is huge! Where do all these swords come from, anyway?"

"I'm afraid to ask," Illya said, as they slammed through Sakura's fight with Dark Berserker, separating the two, nearly stepping on Dark Lancer, and heading to where Iris, Kiritsugu, Shiro and Saber lay huddled. Saber was struggling to get back on her feet and continue fighting. It was rather indicative Shiro was physically managing to hold her back.

Dark Archer came dangerously close to the group, even as Lancer and Kuro tried to hold him back. The latter seemed in a good mood, smirking at as a thousand and one swords kept blasting at her enemy from all directions, even as they were deflected by a pair of flower-like Conceptual Shields. They all leapt back when Illya threw fire at him.

"Hey!" Kuro cried. "No kill stealing!"

"Stop being so carefree!" Illya cried, sounding like a bad translation. "Take this seriously!"

"I am!" Kuro said, spinning and darting forward to strike at Dark Archer. "Everything is going according to plan!"

"_OKAY, SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS THIS PLAN, AND HOW COME NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT IT?-!-?-!-?-!-?_"

There was another roar as Dark Herakles charged through, slamming into Dark Gilgamesh and treading on him, leaving him in a humorous crater while Archer suddenly disengaged from Dark Assassin and plucked Caster out of the way, carrying her bridal style. Gilgamesh, taken by surprise, was sent flying by the charging hulk.

"Okay, plan says that _now_ you call Berserker!" Kuro said as she darted back while Lancer charged Dark Archer from behind.

"_Gae Bolg!_"

Unable to drop the pair of Rho Aias in time, Dark Archer's chest exploded. A moment later, Gae Bolg's red spear-point erupted through the hole. Lancer quickly ripped put the weapon, deftly avoiding the rush of dark fluids that burst towards him.

"Yeah!" Kuro cheered.

Dark Archer raised its head haltingly as its knees began to buckle. "_Broken Phantasm,_" it choked. "_Unlimited Blade Works…_"

Everyone in the air felt their hairs start to rise as power built. Saber tackled Shiro, Kiritsugu and Iris to the ground, trying to keep her body between them and Dark Archer. Miyu and Sakura disengaged, moving to shield Luvia and Rin, even as Archer tried to hastily shield a groggy Gilgamesh, Caster and a hurrying Rider. Sue dropped her bulk on top of Dark Archer as Illya tried what she could protect everyone, crying for her Servant, even as Assassin grabbed her to try and shield her with her own body.

The power of a Reality Marble, unviable as it was, exploded. Two versions of Unlimited Blade Works exploded violently as a dark mirror of a third was Broken. And the top of Mount Enzou was violently removed…

...

The first thing Emiya Shiro became aware of was the ringing in his ears.

The second thing was the fact his head was squashed against his mother's breasts.

He struggled to extricate himself, and realized Saber was lying on his back, making the operation difficult. Frantically, he struggled, to get out, pulling himself out from between the two women. A roar split the air.

A hand grabbed his, pulling him out with easy strength, and he suddenly found himself face to face wit the formerly-dead Archer. "See, it's times like this that having Kiritsugu forget to take Avalon out of you is a good thing," Archer said cheerfully.

"Y-you're… you're alive!" Shiro said obviously.

Archer sighed. "Ooh, so close. There you were being all badass and awesome, and you had to ruin all that by backsliding and repeating the obvious like a moron. Do you still have magic left? Can you still fight?"

Blinking, Shiro looked around. They were back in the real world, and the temple was… absolutely bombed and leveled. Walls had been blasted, buildings destroyed, and nearly every tree in sight was either broken, crushed, or leaning away. Only the dark mass that had stood in the center of the courtyard remained. The fakes stood before it, looking battered and obviously in bad shape. Among them, a giant hulk was regenerating, dark viscous fluids reforming into a humanoid form.

"That's three lives down…" Archer mused, looking like he hadn't been touched at all. "That makes things easier."

Shiro ignored him looking around. A large mass that was substantially smaller than the T-Rex it had started out as lay decaying on the ground, which had obviously shielded Illya and Assassin, although both were unconscious. Illya had reverted back to her street clothes, and Ruby was frantically trying to wake her, and slowly succeeding if the way Illya was twitching was any indicator. Miyu was similarly down, and though Sakura was still conscious and on her feet, her eyes looked unfocused, and she swayed on her feet. Rin helped her stay up, while Luvia tried to keep an eye out. For that matter, so did Caster, standing over an unconscious Rider and Gilgamesh. Lancer was nowhere to be seen. Around Shiro were the unconscious forms of his parents, Saber and Kuro. The latter looked like she was struggling to stay conscious.

"..take 'em…" she muttered groggily, trying to push herself up, only to collapse against Kiritsugu. She looked in the worse shape of all. "..can shtill fight…"

Archer gently pushed her down. "It's all right…" he said gently. "The three of us can handle this."

Shiro blinked. "Three?" Did he mean Caster or Sakura? Both looked like they were ready to fall over right then…

The large patch of darkness behind the mass that used to be Sue, which Shiro had assumed was its shadow, moved.

"He drives us bats, bats, bats…" Archer sung cheerfully under his breath. "Stay here and protect your parents. Rin-chan! Your boy-toy here needs backup! We'll handle this."

"GO TO HELL!" Rin cried, giving him the finger. Sakura sighed, and started trying to tug her sister towards them.

Dark Herakles roared, charging towards them. Archer yelled right back, running to meet him.

"He's going to get killed…" Shiro breathed. "Again."

"…no…" Kuro managed, eyes fluttering. "…watch…"

"_**Noble Phantasm…**_" a voice that sent internal organs wriggling said, in barely a whisper that managed travel. "_**Belt of Endless Weapons…**_"

There was a blur, and the air suddenly flickered, hundreds of black glints suddenly whirring through the air, slamming into Dark Heracles. Dozens of small, curved and serrated black blades suddenly imbedded themselves into Dark Herakle's skin, a little red dot blinking on all.

Several dozen Contained Tactical Atomic detonations suddenly engulfed the fake.

"Four down!" Archer said cheerfully, darting sideways to avoid Dark Berserker as he charged the other fakes, power congealing in his hands and resolving into enormous swords. He seemed to flicker, darting between Dark Gilgamesh and Caster's attacks, moving in close. Dark Caster fired at him at point-blank range, but the spells just seemed to cease to exist as he blocked them with the enormous sword in his hands. He kicked her feet out from under her, sword moving to slam down, but Dark Lancer slammed it out of the way, reversing to stab him. He parried it with the blade in his other hand, and the air filled with the sound of metal ringing again. Swords materialized out of the air at a phenomenal rate as it countered both Dark Gilgamesh and Dark Caster.

"Oh, _please_," Archer said condescendingly. "The _real_ goldenrod couldn't beat my output when I was alive. What makes you think _you_ can?"

He dodged, maneuvering to keep himself between the output of weapons and Dark Caster. He dodged, letting weapons pass around him, causing Dark Caster to stumble back as it was attacked by its own allies. Dark Lancer moved in for the kill, its dark spear lashing forward, and he parried, the weapon in his other hand diverting the spear. He needed to buy time. Destroying all three was very much possible for him, but doing so would use up all his ring power and prana, and it wasn't like he could pop it into a lantern to recharge it. And without a source of energy, he had to conserve what prana he had. That was why he had to piggyback on Kuro's Reality Marble. It had been easier to insinuate his own alterations when she'd already done most of the work. Time… he needed to buy time…

One of Dark Caster's spells wasn't completely neutralized, a small splash burning against his cheek. The pain burned, but he didn't ignore it. The pain was good. As long as he could feel, he was still alive, for a given value of alive. With a grin, Archer attacked.

Dark Berserker charged as Dark Herakles collapsed into a charred mess of exposed bone, the visual effect around it making the eye cringe. An enormous sword suddenly appeared in its hands, and suddenly the illusion lessened, leaving only an enormous knight in dark armor holding a legendary blade. It wasn't an improvement. Dark Herakle's corpse began to regenerate.

The 'shadow' of the mass next to Illya flickered, and suddenly a huge figure in a dark helm, cape spreading out behind it like someone had cut up a piece of the night, appeared from it, having somehow managed to hide in the sliver of shadow it had cast. One arm cast out, one of the chains wrapped around it lashing outward to tangle around Dark Berserker's legs. It slashed its blade downward before it could be tripped, breaking the chain. It charged at the other dark figure, but Berserker didn't seem to be there, the whole area around him becoming a huge, disconcerting blot as his cape spread.

The corpse finished regenerating, getting back to its feet with another roar. It charged at Berserker, who leapt over it, spinning out of the way as it tried to grab him as he sailed overhead. He landed lightly, dodging Dark Berserker's blade. One hand reached into his belt, pulling out a length of metal that unfolded into a long, curved weapon, the handle set in the center. It immediately grew long dark-blue line and growing spikes, more curves, and scalloped edges on top of the scalloped edges it already had. Blade met blade for a furious exchange that lasted ten rapid heartbeats, before Berserker suddenly pitched backward, rolling under Dark Herakle's furious punch to where he'd been standing. The hulk screamed as it was cut by Dark Berserker's attack, then cried again, as Berserker slashed upward with ruthless medical precision, slamming the point of the weapon into the one available opening.

"_**Break…**_" he ordered the Noble Phantasmed weapon.

It exploded right at the back entrance, tearing Dark Herakles in half and sending the upper body flying at Dark Berserker with the force of the explosion. Berserker danced out of the way of any shrapnel, coming to his feet, now with a blade in either hand, each growing eye-wrenching geometry in his hands. Five lives…

Shiro, however, wasn't able to watch longer. He had his own problems. He stood in front of Kuro and his parents, Caliburn raised, face determined. Dark Assassin didn't seem impressed. "Stay back!" Shiro threatened.

It tilted its head. "_Noble Phantasm: Sue._"

Shiro took an involuntary step back, mind suddenly filled with vivid memories of the first time he'd watched Jurassic Park. It roared, lunging for Shiro.

Several glowing jewels flew forward like bullets, exploding in a cacophony of elemental forces.

"Hands off Shiro-kun!" Luvia cried, half-carrying Miyu, before another barrage of explosive jewels lashed forward, exploding with excessive magical force. Sue screamed, stumbling. With a cry, Shiro charged it. His muscles screamed as he avoided its mouth-wide lunge, swinging the shining blade in his hands wide. It cut through the pseudo-flesh, but it didn't react. It lunged at him again, only for another barrage of gems to slam into its other side, making it turn to meet the other threat.

Dark Assassin turned towards Luvia, hand raised to blast, only for a pink ball of light to slam into the side of his head, causing him to stumble back, distracted. That was all Rin needed to come dashing in on its blind side, flicking a jewel at point-blank range at its head. It exploded in a shower of dark sludge, showering Rin, and barely missing Saber and the others. Rin's eyes went wide, and she fell to her knees, hands to her head as she started to scream as the third zombie dinosaur that day dissolved.

"_NO!_" Sakura growled, stumbling from where she'd shot the little ball of light at Dark Assassin. She knelt, grabbing Rin's head in her hands. "_**NO ONE**__ IS TOUCHING __**MY**__ SISTER! __**REINFORCE-SAN! FULL UNISON!**_"

Light erupted beneath Sakura's feet in a triangular sigil, Sakura's hair changing from purple to pale silver, eyes turning deep crimson. Awareness flooded into them, and another sigil appeared in front of Sakura's hands. "_Starlight Night Sky Therapy Kiss!_"

Light flooded from Sakura's hands, burning away the dark sludge covering Rin. Rin swayed, the sludge gone, falling into Sakura's arms. Sakura held her for a moment, before rising to her feet, now the one supporting her sister, and brought her to Shiro's parents. Shiro, with nothing to fight now, joined them, warily watching the other battles. Dark Herakles had regenerated, and Berserker was fighting him as well.

Sakura lay Rin next to Kuro. Her eyes seemed to change as she looked at the smaller pale-haired girl. "You know who I am now," she said, voice slightly different.

Kuro smiled. "All hail Hayate…"

Sakura nodded. "It's time to call my Queen. Can you stand?"

Kuro grimaced, trying to sit up, but fell. "I'll need a pick me up." Sakura smiled and laid a hand, light flowing. Kuro managed to sit up, even as Rin, Iris, Kiritsugu and Saber started to stir. "Right! What do we do?"

"Luvia!" Sakura called, as the blonde came over, carrying Miyu. "We need you!"

"What do you want me to do?" the blonde asked, looking determined. One had to wonder where'd she'd packed all those jewels.

"Archer needs to disengage from the enemy," Sakura said. "The more he fights, the more power he draws from his ring, and the less time he has, and we'll need his ring. Someone needs to replace him in the front line."

"We'll need to revive the Servants, then," Luvia said, setting Miyu down.

"There's no time!" Sakura said. "We need to send Shiro-sempai in. The problem is, he's running low on energy."

"I can still fight," Shiro said, face set.

"Not for long enough," Sakura said. "You'll need more mana. And there's only one way I can think of to transfer enough…"

"I'LL DO IT!" Kuro cried, raising her hand. "I'LL HAVE SEX WITH ONII-CHAN!"

Shiro blanched, while Kiritsugu twitched. So did Rin and Saber. Sakura tugged on Kuro's ear. "Down, girl. That's not what I meant. Someone needs to form a Pactio with Shiro-sempai. Right now, it's the best way we have to establish a constant flow of magic to Shiro."

Luvia frowned. "A pactio… isn't that Latin for 'contract'?"

"A Pactio?" Kritsugu repeated, giving the word a slightly different inflection. "You can make a Pactio circle?"

Shadows writhed underfoot, a circular design with a hexagram in the center and zodiac symbols all around being scored into the ground.

"Of course you can," Kiritsugu said. "I don't know why I'm surprised."

"I'LL DO IT!" Kuro cried again, ignoring the grip Sakura had on her ear. "I'LL MAKE OUT WITH ONII-CHAN!"

"No!" Saber managed, sounding weak but determined. She tried to lever herself up with her sword, and failed. "I will not be a party to such indecency!"

"Says the girl who took my sister's virginity," Sakura said. "Luvia, we need you to do it."

Luvia, Shiro, Rin, and Saber all turned red, though likely for vastly different reasons. "M-me?" Luvia sputtered, eyes darting sideways at Shiro.

"_**HER?**_" Rin demanded loudly, pointing an accusing finger.

"She's the most logical choice," Sakura said. "Assassin is going to need massive amounts of prana to recover, and you're already stretched after what happened this morning, onee-chan. Luvia has power to spare."

"And what about you?" Saber asked, staring at her intently.

"I… won't be available to provide it, after I do this," Sakura said, sounding wistful, yet determined. "We have no time to argue! Both of you need to get inside the circle _now!_"

Luvia looked uncertain, but suddenly turned a smug look at Rin and stepped into the circle. Shiro hesitated.

"Do it, onii-chan," Kuro said weakly. "Trust me…"

Slowly, Shiro stepped into the circle. It began to glow slightly. "What do we need to do?"

"You need to kiss," Sakura said, stepping out of the sigil. One side of her lips quirked up in a half-smile. "Preferably with tongue, so we know you're doing it right."

Shiro blushed, opening his mouth to let out some kind of exclamation… and Luvia pounced, her mouth meeting his, tongue already at full extension. Anything he tried to say came out extremely muffled. Rin's eyebrow twitched wildly. Saber's fingers spasmed on her sword. Kiritsugu wasn't sure how he was supposed to react to this.

Iris sniffed. "_WAH! MY SON IS SO MANLY!_"

"Onii-chan!" Kuro cried. "Put some backbone into it! Show that bitch who's boss!"

The sigil burst into life in a rush of magic as Sakura snapped her fingers. "PAC-TI-O!" she cried as a card materialized in midair. It showed Shiro, clad in red and black, a determined look on his face, clutching a small orb to his chest, Caliburn in his other hand. On it were inscribed the words:

_Emija Siro._

_Iustitiae Heros._

Sakura plucked it out of the air, and the card split into two identical copies. She waited.

And waited.

And waited some more.

"Ahem," she coughed. "Luvia-san, you're done. The contract has been established. You can stop kissing him now."

Shiro stumbled back, blushing vividly, while Luvia reluctantly relinquished her hold. "Now what?" Shiro asked, not looking at Luvia, who looked pretty smug.

"Luvia-sempai, the command to transfer power to Shiro is '_Sim Mea Pars,_'" Sakura said. "You have to focus on Shiro to keep the link constant. Shiro-sempai, you can draw power from Luvia by saying '_Sim Tua Pars_' by yourself if she loses her concentration. The command to activate you Artifact is '_Adeat'_." Shiro opened his mouth, but Sakura quickly cut in. "The Artifact is what your Pactio Card transforms into. It's a magical item that corresponds with your own abilities. Usually, only those with Official Contracts get it, but Luvia-sempai is powerful enough to provide you with one at this stage. Any other questions?"

"How do you know all this?-!" Shiro asked.

Sakura gave him a level look, one eyebrow raised. "The being Unisoned to me told me so."

"What kind of an explanation is that?" Luvia asked.

"One that will make sense in hindsight," Sakura said dryly. "Shiro-sempai, you need to go, now."

Both Luvia and Shiro looked at the Cards in their hands.

"_Adeat!_" Shiro cried, feeling slightly silly. The Card in his hands glowed, changing shape. In his hands was a clear glass sphere about the size of a large marble filled with rainbow mist, within three golden rings wrapped around its three axis's. There was neat writing on the outermost band. On one side of the sphere was Shiro's name. On the other side were the words _Vitreus Cor_. It felt warm in his hands, and he felt a strange sensation of suction from it. he moved it to his other hand, but his fingers weren't unencumbered. "What is it?"

"'Heart of Glass'?" Rin translated. "What does that mean? Is that its name?"

Shiro considered it, then held it up. "_Noble Phantasm! Heart of Glass!_"

Nothing happened.

Shiro squirmed at the stares. "What? It was a likely way of finding out how it worked."

"Do you feel some kind of suction?" Sakura asked. "Because that's a sign it has to be fed magical energy. Just… concentrate on your magic and imagine putting some of yourself into it–"

"A LITTLE BACKUP HERE?" Archer cried. "SERIOUSLY, TALKING IS _NOT_ A FREE ACTION!"

"Um, find out later!" Sakura said. "Put it in your pocket for now! Luvia-sempai, power!"

"_Sim Mea Pars!_" Luvia called out. Shiro felt energy rush through him, warm and slightly pleasurable. He raised a hand and concentrated, trying to direct the warm energy down the ways he knew. "_Trace, on!_" His pocket glowed briefly as Caliburn snapped into existence in his hand. Shiro blinked, looking down at the sword, then at his pocket. "What…?"

"I saw that…" Iris said, peering at Shiro's pocket.

"SERIOUSLY, _NOT_ A FREE ACTION!"

"Go!" Sakura urged, swaying on her feet, raising one hand to her forehead. She seemed to flicker, her hair and eyes turning back to purple again. "We're almost out of time…"

Shiro turned and ran, sword held raised in both hands.

Kuro sighed. "Ah, Onii-chan… such a suicidal moron. Can someone help me up?"

"Hell no…" Rin said, glaring at the girl. "I know you. You'll grab whoever helps you up and drain their prana."

Kuro sighed. "Damn my charisma."

Saber frowned, then grabbed Rin, dragging her to the circle.

"Hey, wha–?-!" was all Rin managed to get out before Saber's lips met hers, and she became aware of a foreign tongue in her mouth. Luvia, Sakura, Kuro, Iris and Kiritsugu all raised their eyebrows.

Saber broke off the kiss from the shocked Rin, looking around, golden eyes narrowed and frowning. "Why isn't power flowing into me?"

Sakura coughed delicately. "The circle only works once, Saber-san."

"Shouldn't you be helping?" Iris asked.

Sakura held out a hand. The air above it flickered, and a non-descript hardbound book appeared above it. "I am helping. Onee-chan, have Assassin wake up…"

...

Archer was feeling slightly annoyed when Shiro finally attack Dark Lancer from behind. "You're late," he said, continuing to counter Gilgamesh and Medea's clones. Shiro just gave an inarticulate cry as he swung downward, slashing at Dark Lancer, who parried with its spear. Metal continued to ring, and Archer sighed. "While I quite understand that yelling like that is all a part of sword fighting, making the diaphragm compact to add more compress to your torso so that you slash down harder, you really need to work on your breath control. No one respects a Hero of Justice who can't banter unless his name is Batman." He subtly knocked several of fake goldenrods weapons away from Shiro.

"Don't…" Shiro panted, sweeping the spear away with wide circular sweeps. "You… ever… shut up?"

"No. I find talking a lot annoys my enemies and makes them sloppy. Besides, you can't properly give long dramatic lectures on the nature of justice in the middle of a fight if you don't talk," Archer said, sweeping an arm as the crystal on his gauntlet glowed several time, summoning several Ensis Exorcizans to block Dark Caster's attacks. "Switch with me, he's about to stab you in the heart." Shiro frantically darted back as Dark Lancer cried, "_Gae Bolg!_" the spear-point breaking several laws of physics as Archer stepped into the path of the weapon, deliberately leaving an opening only to block it at the last second. There was a sort of delayed ring as the spear bounced off his swords after the fact. "I see you have tracing down. Make this, will you?" Archer said, tossing an Ensis Exorcizans at him. "Caster at seven o'clock."

Shiro caught the sword, and felt a rush as his hands made contact with the handle. He could feel the structure of the thing, felt the mild sense of unreality about it. It was like holding on to a whirlpool, and he could feel its strange, negating power, the skill of the one who'd possessed it. He could _feel_ the structure, the design, could see the blueprint clearly in his mind…

He whirled, the magic from Luvia moving through him into the sword, warping the around it, feeling it spread like a cloud. The sword blocked the blasts from Dark Caster, reducing them to nothing as the magic was negated. He slashed at the air, trying to catch them all. Caliburn shattered in his hands. Without thought, he thought of his new blueprint, pouring power into it…

The Artifact in his pocket flared again, and a second sword was in his hands. There was no doubt this time: it _had _been easier create that one. There'd been no feeling of being emptied this time. The second blade cut and whirred through the air, negating more spells. The ground by his left foot erupted as he missed a couple, and he stumbled back. A skill from the sword urged him to keep up the pace, and he followed it instinctively. "_Kankaho!_"

The warmth inside him seemed to mix, and he felt strength rushing to his limbs. His arms began to blur, blocking the spells, seeing the spells coming at him slower, easier to predict and counter. The swords clove into the ground as he overcompensated, tearing into it as easily as through jello.

"Hey, watch it," Archer chided. "I just got my legs back, I don't want to lose them again!"

"W-what's happening to me…?" Shiro managed to get out.

"You can read the skills of those who possessed these weapons before you copied them," Archer explained easily as he suddenly grabbed Dark Lancer's spear by the haft, trapping the weapon under his arm as he spun, kicking the fake in the face before using the spear as leverage to throw the fake into the path of several flying weapons from Dark Gilgamesh. It exploded into dark sludge as Archer moved to counter, tossing the spear aside before it also dissolved. "It's very useful, especially when they know more than how to swing a sword. How's the Pactio?"

"It's… nice," Shiro admitted, blushing slightly.

"Yes, almost as good as porn, isn't it?" Archer said cheerfully, making Shiro blush harder.

Berserker dodged Dark Berserker, parrying Arondight with one of his blades. The other snapped shut like a trap, severing Dark Berserker's hands in a rush of dark fluid. The blade flipped into the air as Berserker dodged the viscous substance, and he caught the sword easily, dark blue glowing lines erupting along the sword as the blade developed scalloped edges and sweeping curves while Dark Berserker's hands began to regenerate. Berserker spun, Breaking the weapon as he slammed it into a rising Dark Herakle's chest. He went with the spin, sweeping Dark Berserker off his feet and grabbing him in midair, slamming him on top of the Broken sword. Calmly, he took several steps back.

The sword exploded, taking Dark Berserker with it as Dark Herakles died yet again.

"_**Seven,**_" Berserker counted clinically. He reached into his belt, drawing out another long, curved blade. With his other hand, he drew out several disks, and dropped them all around Dark Herakle's corpse. Almost all of them burst, releasing an eclectic and highly esoteric mix of fluids that dropped the temperature to absolute zero, covering the body in ice. He gave the resulting icicle a sharp rap, shattering it into pieces. "_**Eight…**_"

Archer sighed. "Always the pragmatist."

...

"Ow…" Assassin groaned as he dragged the slowly rousing Illya towards the huddled group. "My head…"

"Look alive, everyone!" Kuro groaned. "The plan is almost complete!"

"I think I have to repeat your sister's question here, Kuro-chan?" Iris asked sweetly. "_What_ plan?"

"The plan that's been in progress since the 4th Holy Grail War, when the 4th Caster went rogue," Sakura said determinedly, staring straight at the dark mass that everyone had been ignoring in favor of wailing on each other. It had risen noticeably, now looking like some kind of elongated bulb. Or an egg. "Lancer-san, can you materialize?"

The air next to Luvia shimmered, and Lancer appeared, looking the worse for wear. One eye had swelled shut, and he was favoring his right arm. "Ow…" he said succinctly.

Luvia glared at him. "Where have you been?" she demanded.

"Making sure I didn't kick the bucket," he growled at her. "In case you didn't notice, I was right next to that thing when it went off, and I didn't have some honkin' big dragon to cover me! Even in spirit form that thing hurt!"

"Lancer-san," Sakura asked. "Can you still use Gae Bolg?"

"Barely," Lancer said, gesturing to his arm. "What for? Not much point in me joining in at this point."

Sakura pointed at the mass. "Kuro's heart is still inside that thing. I need you to use Gae Bolg to target it so we know where the center of the Grail is. We need to destroy that completely to break this Grail."

Saber frowned. "The grail is mine. It was promised to _me_."

"We don't have time for this," Sakura sighed. She looked significantly at Kuro.

"I won't let you–" Saber began.

Kuro jerked herself to her feet, leapt at Saber from behind and wrapped her arms around her shoulders, the Servant tried to throw her off, but Kuro snaked her arm around, pulled, and suddenly had her mouth against the Servant's. Saber collapsed to her knees as Kuro bounded on her feet, smiling as she licked lips. "Thanks for the treat!" she chirped.

Saber panted, face flushed. She tried to rise, and trembled.

"Kuro!" Illya exclaimed as she woozily got to her feet.

"Don't worry sis, I still love you more," Kuro said, smiling brightly. "You have a nicer ass…"

Saber twitched, knowing she'd been insulted.

Lancer stared down at Saber, than looked at Luvia, then at Sakura. He sighed. "Fine," he said, sounding resigned. "What do you want me to do?"

"Hey!" Luvia protested. "You're MY Servant!"

"I apologize, Luvia-sempai," Sakura said. "Can I borrow Lancer-san for a suicide run that might be our only chance to destroy that mass of concentrated evil?"

"Of course!" Luvia said graciously. "You need only to ask"

Lancer rolled his eyes. "You're all insane."

Sakura nodded. "Kuro-chan, please clear a path, if you feel up to it. Lancer-san, stay behind us. We need you to conserve yourself until you're close enough to target Kuro's heart."

"Hey, I just got this thing replaced!" Kuro protested.

"The other one, Kuro-chan," Sakura said patiently. "Are we clear? Then let's go."

Sakura took off at a dead run, towards the dark mass. Kuro soon overtook her, swords appearing in her hands. Lancer pursued, moving very quickly for someone who'd been at pointblank range of a bomb.

Everyone stared at them.

"_WHAT KIND OF PLAN IS THAT?-!-?-!-?-!_" Rin exclaimed. She raised her hands to tear at her hair, but restrained herself. "ASSASSIN! FOLLOW THEM!"

Assassin gave her a look, but raced after them, looking between the two groups of combatants, keeping a particular eye on Dark Herakles.

"Again, I feel so incidental," Kiritsugu sighed.

...

Sakura ran, heart pounding, clutching the Tome of he Night Sky to her chest. Kuro ran ahead of her, blades raised defensively. Shiro and Archer were keeping Dark Gilgamesh and Dark Caster occupied, the average high school student somehow blocking Dark Caster's spells with the pair of oversized swords he wielded, the latter matching his opponent weapon for weapon. The ground shook as Berserker fought Dark Herakles. The slightly smaller Servant dodged the large creature, even though both moved at eye-blurring speed, every step causing the ground to vibrate. He seemed to have run out of ways to kill it quickly, or something had broken his rhythm.

She ran past the, believing that Berserker was a powerful as Reinforce has told her. The could barely feel the Unison Device within here, barely the tiniest connection. After ten years of her constant presence within, manipulating the different magical energies that coursed through her, the loss left Sakura feeling almost literally hollow. She quashed the thought. This was it, the moment that night so long ago had been building up to. She grit her teeth and forced herself to move, wishing she could ask Kaze-neechan to boost with something; Kanka, chi, reinforcement, a Bellax spell of some kind…

Something tickled at the back of her brain…

Her steps quickened as the slight heat of chi flowed through her, remembering to stay behind Kuro. They neared the dark mass. The Kirei-thing seemed to have sunk back in, or perhaps moved itself to another part of it. Either way, he wasn't at the area they were approaching.

"Careful!" Sakura warned.

Tendrils shot out of the dark mass, thorned tentacles that swiped at Kuro. She didn't bother dodging, just cutting through them like some kind of economy-sized loli food processor from hell, tearing at them with speed and efficiency, outlining a clear space made by her wall of swords. Watching the little girl, one had to wonder how people could forget so easily: that here was a being with the power of an Epic Spirit made manifest on Earth, a being with potential equal to gods in their own way.

And then Sakura looked, actually _looked_, at the mass, and froze. "No…" Sakura breathed.

It moved slightly. The surface of the mass stretched, and there was the impression of a long, thin shape.

"It's almost formed!" Sakura cried. "Lancer-san–!"

Lancer raised his spear, face twisting in pain, and Sakura wondered if his arm was broken. "_Gae–_"

The tendrils arced high overhead, jabbing over Kuro to strike at Lancer.

"_Fuego!_" Assassin cried, a blinding, needle-like stream of fire slashing sideways, severing the tendrils and causing them to rain all over.

"–_BOLG!_"

The surface of the mass burst, a hole tearing itself open through the surprisingly flimsy surface for a brief instant, Gae Bolg turning into a red geometric impossibility as it stabbed at a distant heart. There was a brief instance glimpse of a small shape before cause and effect came back in force, and it was realized that Gae Bolg was too short to stab that far.

"Assassin-san, burn!" Sakura ordered.

Fire and force blasted at the hole, ripping it through the universe reasserted itself, tearing the hole open properly.

The book in Sakura's arm tore itself out of her grip, flying through the hole as if pulled by a rubber band.

"There it is!" Sakura cried, feeling completely drained. She tried to push back the hollow feeling within her, which had always been filled before… "Run! It's out of our hands now!"

Kuro held her ground briefly as Lancer, Sakura and Assassin fell back, the magus supporting the former, before she herself danced back. "It's moving, Sakura-san! It's moving!"

"Can someone tell me exactly what that was supposed to accomplish!-?" Assassin demanded. "Because considering how much fuss you people keep making about this 'plan' of yours, I was expecting something that, I don't know, _WAS WORTH GETTING KILLED FOR?-!-?-!-?-!-?_"

"Kirei is using the Grail to bring the ultimate manifestation of human evil into the world," Sakura panted, helping Lancer move and wincing for him at every jolt. "He can pull it off because the Grail was tainted during the Third War by an untested Servant prototype. To destroy the manifestation, we need to destroy the Grail. Only a spirit being like a Servant can touch the Grail. But of the Servants here, Saber-san has been infected by the taint on the Grail, so she's vulnerable to corruption. Gilgamesh-san is technically no longer a spirit being because of his own exposure to the corruption ten years ago, Archer-san was dead, Berserker could not be allowed to approach it, there are some doubts as to Caster-san's reliability, and you, Rider and Lancer-san are ill-equipped to destroy the Grail."

"So you're saying that _none_ of us could destroy the Grail?" Lancer said. "Then what did we just _do_?"

"No Servant summoned in this War has the ability or the qualification to destroy the Grail," Sakura said. "So…"

...

_She entered the corrupted, infested body, barriers at full power, barely keeping back the taint of Avenger's corrupted wish. The form she occupied trembled, as if even through all these centuries, after passing through death and this rebirth, it still remembered the touch of the Grail's darkness. _

_If she'd had a face right then, she'd have smiled darkly. There was only one touch she yearned for…_

…_And now, after a decade of waiting, she was about to feel it again._

_She congealed energy, formed spells, kept that pathway open in front of her even as it knit back behind. The monstrosity wasn't finished yet, though it would be soon. She could feel the wrongness it exuded, feel it grow stronger with each moment. It had been a gamble, deciding to buy time instead of letting it loose and trying to take it down while it was incomplete. She had to wonder how much of what was happening was out of planning and free will, and how much was a stable time loop. Technically, there should be any time loops like that. Not after Zero Hour. But still, she had to wonder…_

_She broke through and there, __**there**__, so tantalizingly close, was the core of the Grail. Kuro's heart. It wasn't a mere organ now. Perhaps the easiest way to describe it was a Conceptual Construct. Incomplete for so long, only to be fulfilled during this travesty, it was a hole into Akasha, pouring power and Light, Life, into the universe. It was a door long closed, finally reopened._

_And chained to that door… for all this time… for ten years… waiting this chance…_

Your Majesty…_ she sent. _I'm here. It's time.

_She heard the smile in the word. Always, that beautiful, beautiful smile. _Hello…

...

"…the plan needed to resort to using one who _wasn't_ from this war," Sakura said. "One that would be powerful enough destroy the Grail even through its bonding to Kirei, and untouched by the taint–"

Without warning, a shockwave rippled along the ground, sending everyone tumbling. Sakura managed to throw herself away from Lancer to keep from injuring the Servant, her body moving instinctively into a roll that kept her from getting hurt. Nearly everyone was throw off their feet, even Dark Herakles, though a dark splot in midair indicated that Berserker hadn't been touched at all.

The top of the mass heaved, and an enormous, skeletal arm clawed at the sky…

"..before that happened," Sakura finished weakly.

...

Reinforce, bestow upon me my staff and armor…

Just like old times, huh?

Yes… prepare to initiate emergency teleport… please.

I thought you'd never ask… _my queen…_

Eh…! How many times do I have to tell you! Call me…

...

"_NOBLE PHANTASM! __**TOME OF THE NIGHT SKY!**_"

The words echoed on the mountaintop. A brilliant, blazing triangular sigil of light burst into being in the sky above, washing the devastated battlefield in brilliance. Above it, a sphere of pure white energy formed.

Getting to his feet, Archer sniffed. "Women. Can't be early to anything…" He grabbed the still dazed Shiro, throwing the surprised boy over his shoulder and jumping to where Gilgamesh and Caster had fallen and were finally starting to rouse. He looked up. "Any second now…"

Groggily, Gilgamesh looked up, and his eyes went wide as panic seized him. He gestured, but a deceptively soft, immensely strong gripped clamped on his hand. "Now, now," Archer said. "You mustn't interrupt a lady when she's preening…"

Saber stared, wide-eyed. "Impossible…" she breathed. "She should be gone! The Caster Class have no Independent Action! She should have disappeared in a day." Rider groaned as Sakura began to rouse her.

"Yes…" Sakura said, as they finally joined them. "Unless they had a tether to the world to keep them anchored and prevent reality from erasing them… like a girl who contained a part of her." Everyone stared at her as she smiled. "How else could I do such blatantly broken things, if not for the support of a Servant's power?"

The sphere burst.

A woman stood there, garbed in a short dark dress with golden trim. In one hand she held a golden staff, weighed at one end, a sharp, cross-like tip on the other. The book Sakura had held floated above her other hand. She thrust the staff upward. "Light of the Night Sky, come to my hand, come to my soul! Blessed Wind, Reinforce…_**SET UP!**_" Light blazed, and power poured off her in waves as clothing appeared on her, all in brilliant white. Her hair paled, and six wings of black erupted from her back. Dark Caster and Dark Gilgamesh reacted, weapons and spells blasting at her relentlessly.

She raised a hand, and an enormous triangular sigil interposed itself between the, blocking the attacks. They saw a glint of white as she smiled. "Oh, how thoughtful… volunteers to help me warm up. _DIVINE DANMAKU!_"

Everyone was thrown from their feet again as the sky suddenly turned bright pink and dropped like a solid mass on a single, unfortunate spot. Dark Gilgamesh was torn apart as the literal thousands of balls of energy slammed into it in less than a heartbeat, and it exploded into black sludge. The figure whirled as Dark Caster suddenly appeared behind it, teleporting into position. She already had a finger raised and pointed at the fake's chest. "Too slow," she said with a smile, blue eyes pitiless. The next word came as a slightly animalistic, almost orgasmic snarl. "_Hraesvelgr!_"

Dark Caster simply exploded. The figure dropped the shielded that had shielded her from the resulting dark sludge with the satisfied air of someone who seen a job well done.

"Hells bells…" Assassin breathed.

A tearing sound ripped through the air, drawing their attention to the dark mass. It was…

It was hatching.

"She's cutting it close," Archer commented, one finger pointed up as a watch face made of light balanced atop it.

"_KOTOMINE KIREI!_" the figure bellowed. "For acts against your fellow man, for murder, for causing suffering, for intentionally setting out to bring evil to this world, I condemn you! For the murder of Tohsaka Tokiomi, it judge you! I am the Servant Caster of the Fourth Holy Grail War! I am the Regina Daemonia, Destroy of Worlds, Hero of Justice, Queen of the Night Sky, Yagami Hayate! I have fought _gods_ and made them cry! I have withstood the attentions of Dark Evangel and the Green Devil of Earth! You are as nothing to me!"

The egg-like shell of the mass finally split and cracked, the afterbirth dissolving into dark sludge as an _enormous_ wave of kinetic force lashed out at 4th Caster, warping the very air as it passed.

One hand snapped up with casual ease. "_Silent Wall!_" Hayate cried, the blast breaking around the invisible barrier. Her other hand gestured.

"I suggest we get under something," Archer said. "Hayate-chan hasn't killed any allies doing this yet, but the laws of multiversal averages says it'll happen–"

"_Schwalbe Fliegen! Overkill Shift!"_

Metal seemed to congeal out of the air as Hayate swung her staff, and a near literal rain of streaking metal blasted downwards. It struck the form of the enormous monstrosity that had hatched from the Grail, sending another blast wave through the ground and knocking everyone off their feet again as magic did business with physics.

"Damn it, woman, watch where you're shooting!" Archer cried as he got back to his feet. "I thought Eva and Negi had knocked all the lack of fire control out of you!"

Rin and Luvia both gave Archer a look. "Who?" they chorused, eyes intent. Archer ignored them.

"Eh? Who's there?" Hayate called, looking down.

A giant white construct appeared in Archer's hands, that of a big sign with an arrow pointing at him. "It's me, you crazy nymphomaniac! Servant Archer, 5th War… that ring any bells?"

"Hey! It's been a lifetime since you got your Linker Core uploaded, you can't fault me for forgetting!"

"The nerve! You'd think you'd at least remember with guilt the man you killed because you weren't paying attention to what your knights were doing!"

"It's kind of hard to be guilty when I realized who you really were S–"

"_HEY! IX-NAY ON THE EAL-RAY AMES-NAY!_"

"What's the matter, afraid of getting in trouble with the Missuses?"

"THAT'S RICH COMING FROM YOU, MISS OMNISEXUAL!"

"HEY! DON'T GET MAD AT ME BECAUSE YOU'VE ONLY EVER BEEN WITH FIVE WOMEN!"

"HEY! THERE WERE SEVEN!"

"_DOUBLES OF THE SAME PERSON DON'T COUNT!"_

"_IT DOES SO COUNT! AND ANYWAY, THEY ENDED UP BECOMING DIFFERENT PEOPLE!"_

"Oh, damn it, there's two of them…" Lancer swore.

"S-seven?" Kuro said, eyes wide, drool dripping from her mouth, nose bleeding from both nostrils. "I heard the right, right? He said seven?"

"_**Enough…**_"

The word wasn't raised, was actually kind of quiet, but it instantly cut through the chatter. Berserker stood there, and one could almost feel your skin trying to crawl off your flesh. There was no glare. There wasn't anything _to_ glare. Regardless, some kind of glare was there.

"_**Ring power is being consumed…**_" came the growl. He casually backhanded Dark Herakles as it charged at him from behind swinging a large chunk of rock, breaking said rock and sending the brute crashing back. "_**You are running out of time…**_"

The feeling of primal glare intensified, and there was the feeling your bones wanted out of this sinking ship.

"_**Get to work…**_"

Hayate and Archer both stiffened, feet locking together and back straight as they saluted. "_Sir, yes sir!_" they said in unison.

Dark Herakles charged again, and with almost negligent ease, Berserker back flipped over it. A strange, black disc was slapped onto its head in passing. It immediately began to scream, clutching at its skull. There was a high-pitched whine, and dark fluid began to gush from its ears, eyes and nostrils. It collapsed to the ground, shuddered, and finally dissolved into dark sludge.

"_**Twelve,**_" Berserker said nonchalantly, turning to the where Hayate's last spell had struck.

Hayate and Archer stared, wide-eyed, at where the thing had fallen. "I hate it when he does that…" Hayate muttered. "It makes me feel so inadequate…"

"How do you think I feel?" Archer said.

"I feel out of the loop here…" Rin said.

"Now you know how I feel," Kiritsugu said.

The ground rumbled again. In the crater of the spell, something stirred.

_No… this is impossible…_

"Ding!" Archer said. "Evil Overlord List Drinking Game! We all take a shot!"

_I have the power of the Grail! I am all powerful!_

"Newsflash, creepy pervert priest," Archer said, a white bow materializing in his hands. "If it were, they wouldn't have needed 5 Grail Wars to reclaim the 3rd Magic."

A form rose out of the crater. Despite Kirei-thing's bitching, it looked relatively unharmed. Long, nearly skeletal arms protruded from a bulb-like fat torso. A twisted, misshapen head with four asymmetric crimson-eyes glared from it, and it's equally long and skeletal legs had knees that bent over the crouching thing's head. In the center of its chest was the impression of Kirei, like a clay figure squashed and nearly flattened into it. It roared from no discernable mouth, dark sludge dripping from its limbs. They sizzled as they struck the ground, and fumes seemed to waft from it.

Giglamesh forced himself to his feet, face set in rage. "WHAT ARE YOU ALL WAITING FOR?-!" he cried. Weapons began to materialize behind him. "DESTROY IT!"

That seemed to snap everyone out of whatever shocked reverie they'd been in. Flames, force and ice blasted from Assassin, concentrated blasts of pure mana erupted from the re-transformed Illya and Miyu, and an unrelenting barrage of magic flew from Caster. They all slammed into the monstrosity, the skin seeming to burst from the impact, before reforming itself anew. The eyes turned to regard them, changing size and shape wildly.

Another blast of force ripped forward, but Hayate streaked downwards like a harbinger of doom, another cry of "_Silence Wall_" stopping it cold.

"_Trace, on!_" Kuro cried, drawing string to cheek, a spiraling sword knocked. "_Caladbolg II!_"

It flew, exploding to seemingly no effect on the beast's skin.

"It's no good!" Sakura cried as she helped Rider back on her feet. "Even incomplete, it's already growing too fast to be affected! You need to destroy the Grail's core inside it!"

"I thought you said only the new girl there could destroy it," Lancer said.

"To destroy the Grail!" Sakura snapped. "I didn't say anything about burning that thing's skin off!"

"_Atem des Eises!_" Haayte cried out, four cubes of energy quickly forming around her and as quickly shooting forward. They all slammed into the Grail creature, and the air temperature dropped dramatically, ice beginning to cover the beast in a rapidly thickening sheet, becoming meters thick in moments.

"Gil-san!" Hayate cried. "Now's your chance!"

Gilgamesh's arm shot out, a strangely shaped, cylindrical weapon snapping into his hand. Wind rose as it quickly began to rotate, crimson designs beginning to glow. "_Enuma–!_"

The ice began to crack and shatter. The whole mass groaned.

"_ELISH!_"

The already horribly abused mountain shuddered again, as everything in front of Gilgamesh was annihilated by the time-space distortion blasted out by the weapon. This time, even Berserker was knocked down, unable to keep his footing as reality itself was arbitrarily, random rearranged and reset. There was a voiceless scream as the universe cried out, the abomination's limbs ripping apart, skin flaying and peeling back under the pressures.

The world shuddered, and everything seemed to _snap _as the Barrier Sakura had raised collapsed. There was a crash as the remains Grail abomination fell on one of the buildings ringing the courtyard. The buildings, walls and trees, most now restored again, shuddered.

"Ring!" Archer ordered. "Access Akasha! Data Download! Initiate Reality Alteration! Create Pathway to a Mirror World!"

An enormous circle came into being, connected to Archer's ring by the minutest of lines. Pure white light, it glowed, and the world lurched again, and everyone had the sensation of suddenly being flipped upside down…

And then they were back. The place was identical to the temple, but clearly a construct of some sort. They could clearly see the borders of the place, a box of gridlines defining the limits of the reality.

"A Mirror World?" Miyu said, surprised. "But how…?"

"I've stopped bothering to ask," Illya grumbled.

"_Warning,_" the ring said. "_Ring power at 11 percent. Depletion imminent._"

"Any time now, Hayate!" Archer cried, clutching his ring hand.

Hayate raised her hand overhead. "_I summon the Green Devil's light of destruction! Gather, light of the stars…!_"

Both Saber and Gilgamesh froze, overcome by flashbacks. Kiritsugu felt his knees began to shake, and even Shiro felt vaguely upset as energy began to gather above Hayate. Light seemed to congeal out of the very air, leaving little streaks of light they flew to join the rapidly expanding mass of energy being gathered.

Caster fell to her knees, aghast. "Impossible.. it's impossible… not even the gods…"

"HEY!" Kuro cried.

Everyone blinked to stare at her, now behind the wall next to the gate.

"I think you'll need to be here!" she said as she traced a bright yellow safety helmet on her head.

"_Become the weapon that pierces everything," _Hayate intoned, the energy above shining like a hellish moon about to fall from the sky.

There was a roar as the abomination slowly began to push itself back to its feet. Berserker bent down, grabbed Illya and Miyu, and quickly blurred as he joined Kuro. That seemed to open the floodgates, and soon they were all rushing, even Giglamesh, who'd let his fear response and herd instinct take over for a split second…

It saved his life.

"_Tear through all evil in a shining blaze of righteousness!_" Hayate finished.

"_**STARLIGHT BREAKER!**_"

There was light.

There was darkness.

There was confusion.

There was chaos.

There was…

The Grail shattered.

...

Hayate stood along in the middle of the courtyard of Ryudou Temple. Surprisingly, the whole place was still in pretty good shape. Sure, there was a little damage from the Invaders crawling through, but nothing a little work with shovels and some new rocks couldn't fix. Dark sludge and pale, milky white glowing liquid ran rivulets through the ground.

She heard a sound behind her, and turned.

Archer and Berserker stood there, the latter as inscrutable as ever, the former standing with his hands in his pockets. He was probably the only superhero who didn't shop off the shelf that had actual pockets to put his hands in. both, like her, were untouched by either fluid.

"You okay?" Archer asked.

She sighed. "It's weird… ten years of waiting, and now, it's over…" She looked down at her feet. They were already fading away. Without Sakura to tether her, reality was swiftly editing out her existence. "Was the plan successful?"

"Your part of it," Berserker said, voice soft. Anyone who'd heard him before would have been surprised. "I just have to wait for mine…"

Hayate bowed her head. "I'm sorry."

Berserker said nothing. His helm gave nothing away.

Archer turned away. "Well, I need to go. I still have a few hours of life left before this ring craps out and I go back to the Throne. Everything still has to go according to plan."

There was no answer. Hayate was gone.

Berserker nodded to Archer, and disappeared, back into spirit form. Waiting.

Archer carefully picked his way amidst the fluids, taking care not to touch either. They were already wiping each other out. The Grail hadn't only held darkness, after all.

"Sleep well, Avenger," he whispered to the wind.

Behind the wall, next to the gate, everyone was sprawled, all covered by the milky substance. He had to hand it to Hayate. A lifetime, death and ten years of sitting around doing nothing hadn't dampened the skills of the legendary One Woman Genocide one bit.

Kuro was groggily getting to her feet, nudging Illya to consciousness, until Archer stopped her, shaking his head. "Let them sleep. We need to talk."

Kuro faced him, looking into his eyes. "Shiro-niichan," she said softly.

He bent down and kissed her forehead, his ring glowing slightly as it absorbed all the liquid on her, buying itself a few more minutes. "Yes," he said.

She slapped him. Before he could react, slim arms had encircled his waist, holding him tight.

"I guess we really are brother and sister_,_" she said into his stomach.

He patted her head, smiling gently. "I suppose we are," he said. "Strange. Even when I finally realized _I_ was Archer, I never thought of it like that."

She looked up at him. "What happens now?"

He smiled. "Life moves on. We live. We learn. I stop being such a moron at some point, thought god help me if I can remember when exactly. Saber… Arturia… Things happen."

"That's not what I meant," Kuro said, pouting slightly, and making Archer long to do _things_ to her. "What happens to you?"

His smiled became sad. "All things die in their time. The dead stay dead. It hasn't happened yet, but I died a long time ago."

"I wish you could stay," Kuro said. Her eyes glistened. Years of experience as a big brother told him they weren't fake.

"I do to," Archer said. "There's a lot that needs to be done. But I can't do them."

"I'll do it," Kuro said without hesitation.

"I won't ask it of you," Archer said. "It's too much to put on your shoulders."

Kuro sniffed, this time in derision, though there was a hint of sniffle in there. "Oh, cut that out. This is one of those things where you know what I'll do, isn't it? I'll do it. Let little sister do this much for you."

Archer chuckled wryly. "You're a good little sister, Kuro-chan. Never let Illya tell you different."

"I never listen anyway," Kuro said proudly.

Archer straightened. "Up for a walk? There's this beautiful sunset I want to watch with a someone I love… and there's someone I want to introduce you to."

Kuro smiled, taking Archer's hand. "Lead on, onii-chan."

They left Ryudou. On the ground, the Archer Class Card lay, unregarded. Next to it, Saber lay unmoving, armor dark, her mana spent…

...

**- The Dream Continues…**

...

**Epilogues**

...

**The Continuation Of the Dream**

In the shadows of the woods, Morgaine Le Fey watched as Bedivere wept for his king. The small, childlike form of the only other family she had left lay, still, yet oddly peaceful. She watched as the knight wrapped the body in his cloak, armor and all, and laid it on a makeshift bier. As night fell, he kept vigil over the still form.

The knight's head lolled as the witch worked her craft, lulling him to sleep. Only them did she step from her hiding place.

She knelt next to the body of her sister, tenderly unwrapping folds of the cloak. Odd. Was it a trick of the light, or was her sister actually… smiling?

Her eyes burned. In the darkness, a woman who would be renown through time in song and story as betrayal incarnate wept for one of the few people who had ever truly loved her.

Legend will say how King Arthur's body was taken to Avalon. Legend will say how his accursed half-sister, the evil Morgaine Le Fey, would lay siege to Camlann, calling upon dark creatures of the abyss to do her bidding, and corrupting a once-steadfast to evil, trapping another in ice, having the gall to demand the right to rule as a woman, and destroying the greatest kingdom ever known in her arrogance. Legend will speak of dark days, and the fall of civilization. And Legends will, ultimately, whisper that when he is most needed by his people, The High King will return from where he had just been sleeping, to once more take up his fabled sword Excalibur, to bring about a new age.

The next day, Bedivere would find the body gone. The next day, Moragine would take Arturia to Viviene, to be brought to Avalon as one honored. For that night, however, Morgaine clutched her beloved sister and wept.

...

**Kings**

Gilgamesh stood upon the empty field where he had fought so long ago and so recently. No one noticed him. He was just another face in the crowd, had there been a crowd. But no, the place was as empty as ever.

He felt a presence behind him and turned. The man who stood there frowned at him, face wary. Next to him, a young girl clutched at his arm, not possessively or nervously, but with an easy casualness. Her hair was quite distinctive.

Gilgamesh fell to his knees smoothly as the cold December wind blew. "Prince Endymion," he said, sounding half strangled and choking on his tongue. "Princess Serenity. I live to serve."

...

**Agent**

Kuro and Archer avoided people as they made their way to the bridge that separated the two halves of Fuyuki. It was easy when one went by rooftops. They said nothing, just holding hands.

They crossed the pedestrian walk way, still hand in hand. To their right, the sun burned orange, painting the sky in shade of pink and purple. The bridge seemed empty, everyone still hiding from the recent attack. Kuro had heard snippets from radios and emergency workers they'd passed

As the got closer to the center of the bridge, Kuro saw it wasn't empty after all. A teenaged girl with her hair in two buns was leaning against the railing, her back to the sun, working on some kind of flat, touch-screen device. She looked up as they approached, and visibly brightened. "Shiro-san! I was afraid you wouldn't make it!"

"Chao," Archer said, nodding in greeting. He turned to Kuro. "Kuro-chan, this is Chao Lingshen. She's a friend. I want you to help her…"

...

**A Small Problem**

Kuzuki Souichirou looked impassively at the 'slightly' trashed temple complex. Monks, some government agents of debatable authority and a few mages from Western Association were going over the place, trying to figure out what the hell had happened.

"Things will be slightly delayed," he said to Medea. "It is regrettable."

She sighed. "Well, more time to plan, I guess. And not everything got destroyed. I suppose this means I won't have to kill them…"

He didn't look at her, but she blushed anyway. "Don't be like that," she pouted. "I was just joking…"

...

**Jobs**

Assassin sighed as he knelt among the flower beds of Luvia's mansion, pulling out weeds. On the whole, it could have been a lot worse. Luvia at least was _very_ generous with her wages for everyone not named 'Rin'. If he got the exchange rate right, he was making more money as a handyman than he ever did as a detective, consultant _and_ Warden combined.

That didn't seem fair, somehow.

In his pocket, the office listings and the requirements for a private investigator's license in Japan crinkled.

...

**Payment**

Sakura could feel Medusa's gaze on her as an almost tangible thing as she sat cross-legged in her new room– technically her old room– at her ancestral home. She tried to ignore it, but the tingle wouldn't go away. Still, she managed. She mediated, stilling herself, allowing the beating of her heart, the rhythm of her breathing, the feel of Medusa's restrained gaze, and the feel of magic within her to be all.

She slowly raised a finger, keeping herself centered. "_Practebiginar Ardescat…_"

A little flame danced above her finger.

Not shifting, she stuck out her tongue. "_Divine Shooter…_"

A small, glowing ball of purple energy coalesced.

Encoureged, she tried once more. "_Actus Noctis Erebea…_"

Blackness claimed her…

...

**Cake**

Illya tried to look nonchalant as she stepped into the train to Uminari, the little scrap of address from the cake box in her pocket next to the miraculously recovered Archer Card. Wouldn't they all be surprised when they saw the Christmas cake…!

Beside her, Berserker, invisible and undetectable, kept watch.

...

**Metamorphosis**

Shiro whistled idly as he finished making the hamburger. "Here you go," he said.

It was snatched from his hand, the pale fingers quick as vipers, the wide mouth swift as a shark. She thrust the empty plate back at him.

"More," she said, her golden-flecked pale blue eyes staring at him, looking luminous against her pale, washed-out seeming skin…

...

**Good Bye**

They watched the sunset. Chao had left saying something about destroying evidence, though Kuro knew she'd be back. They only exchanged words once.

As the last sliver of light began to be consumed by the horizon, Archer said, "Kuro-chan?"

"Yes, nii-san?"

"I have a favor to ask you."

"Anything."

He turned to her, the sky darkening to deep purple. "When… when the time is right, I want you to give Shiro something."

She frowned. "What?"

He kissed her.

When she opened her eyes again, lips still tingling, the taste of the White Light of Life on her tongue and mind, he was gone, the last, lingering traces of the White Ring dissolving into nothingness like smoke.

She stared into the water, letting the burning in her eyes pass away, until she felt a presence behind her. She turned.

Chao Lingshen smiled at her, eyes sympathetic but businesslike. "Now," she said. "Let's talk…"


End file.
